I got the job! I found out yesterday. They aren't offering me enough money a year for me to be financially worry-free, but they are offering me just enough to live on and pay my bills. Considering that I really liked everyone there and the job is right up my alley, I really can't turn it down. So, I officially join the ranks of the employed. They want me to start around October 20, which gives me a little bit of time to work out the logistics of moving to Montana. I'm excited and nervous. I hope I can do the job well. I think I can, but I really won't know until I actually get in there and start working. I will try to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with finding a job rather than worrying about all of the practical stuff--at least for the weekend. I have started calling around about housing (can't put that off too much), but I will try to leave everything else until Monday. Especially the unhappy task of emailing my former supervisor (from the job I had in college), who is still trying to pull strings to get me hired. I feel bad, but I have to do what is best for me.
Of course, I also have the usual anxiety that comes with moving to a completely new place. I've never lived that far west. It was beautiful out there when I went out for the interview, and I am told that there are a lot of people my age around there, and that there is a lot to do (outdoorsy things, bar/live music type things, and sports). The thing that really makes me nervous is that this will be my first time moving to a new place outside of an academic setting. When I've moved places for school, I've been with people my own age in classes, and housing, and other things like that. This time, I will be interacting mostly with people who are a little bit older than me. I am just not sure where or how I will meet the younger crowd. But, again, things to worry about a little bit later.
As for things with HIM--we have been talking at least every other day, for an hour or more at a time. I know that it is probably not the best thing to do, but it makes me feel good. He is not having the best time in South Dakota--he is still having trouble getting to know his co-workers, and his boss is kind of a hard-ass. In general he sounds a little down. I know that I should put two and two together and realize that he only really wants to talk to me because he is sad, and lonely, and needs someone (anyone), but I can't help myself. First of all, I can't stand to think of him unhappy--I have an uncontrollable urge to help him and listen to him. Second, it really does make me feel great. It just kind of feels like a long-distance relationship. I know that it isn't (I am not that delusional), but it really allows me to keep the pain to a minimum by still feeling so connected to him. He has even suggested we spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or both together (I won't have vacation time yet by the holidays, and South Dakota is much closer to Montana than home). I know that it might not happen, and I know that he will eventually meet people out there and will no longer need to talk to me so often, but for now it is enough to keep me going. Pathetic, I know. It is hard to think logically when you are in love. I don't know how long it will take me to learn to let him go. I know that I don't feel single. I don't have any interest in dating or even thinking about the possibility of dating in the future, and a large crazy part of me still holds out hope for me and him. I really look forward to a time when I will be able to picture my future without him. Right now I just can't.
I will probably be hanging out with D this weekend, and I might go to visit my brother in New York City next weekend. We also have some close family friends coming to the house this weekend, and I am going into my Mom's office all day tomorrow to help out with answering phones and doing paperwork. Basically, I am keeping busy enough to keep myself relatively sane. Getting the job helps my mood, but I am still wrestling with a good amount of anxiety (especially over figuring out how to live on the budget I will be living on in Montana). Not much I can do besides take a deep breath and jump into it.
It is time for the next phase in my life. Scary, exciting, new--I guess it is all part of being this age.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I talked to him last night as expected. He is going to call me tomorrow night too to let me know how his first day of work went. We are still attached to each other in a rather unhealthy way. I just know that I have to be prepared for him to fall off the face of the earth once he starts to feel better about being in South Dakota. I have been through situations like this before. I know that I am only needed for temporary comfort and companionship. Of course, instead of complaining about it, I could refuse to be the temporary emotional crutch--but we all know I can't manage to do that. I still love him too much. The only thing that is keeping me from missing him horribly is the fact that we have been talking on the phone a lot. I know that I am just delaying the emotional crash, but right now that feels like my best option. Who voluntarily feels pain? I am obviously going to put it off for as long as possible.
I am getting truly irritated with the fact that I have not been able to get a hold of R, my best friend from college. Obviously calling her isn't working, so I am going to give that up--but I am not sure if I want to try to send her an email or a Facebook message in some sort of last ditch effort to reconnect. We were too close for me to just let this go, but friendship should not be a one way street. I don't know what is going on with her. Part of me worries that something horrible happened, and she has not been up to calling, but realistically I know that she has probably just chosen not to return my calls. It can't have been anything I've done. There is really no reason for her to be mad at me or to avoid me. I feel hurt, and abandoned, and insignificant. I miss talking to her, but when do I just call it quits?
D did ask me to hang out with him last night, but I didn't feel like going out so late so I told him I would have to take a rain check. The ball is in my court now with him. I will probably hang out with him again, but in my current state of half annoyance and half self-pity caused by the fact that people seem to continuously ditch me in one way or another, it might not be the best idea. I could easily take it out on him--after all, for several years he was the one continuously ditching me in one way or another. With R not returning my calls, and the fact that I am still facing the inevitable emotional mess that will come with the realization that HE really will never want to be with me, I am just in a bit of a mood right now.
I know that this self-pity act is getting a bit tired and out of control, but I really don't understand why any of this is happening. Is there something wrong with me that people just feel the need to get as far away from me as possible? Forget guys, my female friends don't even want to keep me in their lives. At least that's the way it feels. It just makes me feel toxic and defective. It also makes my mind dwell on the ultimate "poor me" question: Why doesn't anyone want me?
I am sure that my mood will improve once I get a little more productive. Tomorrow I am going into my Mom's office to help out with filing and answering phones (which I have been doing there off and on since I was about 15). Maybe that will perk me up. At least it will get me out of the house.
I am getting truly irritated with the fact that I have not been able to get a hold of R, my best friend from college. Obviously calling her isn't working, so I am going to give that up--but I am not sure if I want to try to send her an email or a Facebook message in some sort of last ditch effort to reconnect. We were too close for me to just let this go, but friendship should not be a one way street. I don't know what is going on with her. Part of me worries that something horrible happened, and she has not been up to calling, but realistically I know that she has probably just chosen not to return my calls. It can't have been anything I've done. There is really no reason for her to be mad at me or to avoid me. I feel hurt, and abandoned, and insignificant. I miss talking to her, but when do I just call it quits?
D did ask me to hang out with him last night, but I didn't feel like going out so late so I told him I would have to take a rain check. The ball is in my court now with him. I will probably hang out with him again, but in my current state of half annoyance and half self-pity caused by the fact that people seem to continuously ditch me in one way or another, it might not be the best idea. I could easily take it out on him--after all, for several years he was the one continuously ditching me in one way or another. With R not returning my calls, and the fact that I am still facing the inevitable emotional mess that will come with the realization that HE really will never want to be with me, I am just in a bit of a mood right now.
I know that this self-pity act is getting a bit tired and out of control, but I really don't understand why any of this is happening. Is there something wrong with me that people just feel the need to get as far away from me as possible? Forget guys, my female friends don't even want to keep me in their lives. At least that's the way it feels. It just makes me feel toxic and defective. It also makes my mind dwell on the ultimate "poor me" question: Why doesn't anyone want me?
I am sure that my mood will improve once I get a little more productive. Tomorrow I am going into my Mom's office to help out with filing and answering phones (which I have been doing there off and on since I was about 15). Maybe that will perk me up. At least it will get me out of the house.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Back From The West
I got back from Montana last night. I think the interview went well. I actually think I may get the job. I will find out this coming week. I really liked all of the people in the office, and the type of work the company does is a really good fit for me. More on that if I get the job.
My other Montana news is what the trip has done to me and HIM. It is nothing earth-shattering, but he definitely wants to talk more. He left me a message while I was on the plane flying out, just to say hi and to wish me luck. I called him that night when I got to my hotel and found out that he was in a hotel for the night halfway through his drive to South Dakota. We talked for at least an hour. It felt so good and natural to be talking about my day with him and just to hear his voice. We also talked the next night. We also talked the night after that (last night). He has also sent me two text messages between all of those conversations that read: "I miss u," and "I still miss u." He is going to call me again tonight.
I know that part of his desire to talk comes from the fact that he is currently in South Dakota, where he doesn't know anyone yet, sitting in a hotel room by himself. I know that in some ways I am just a crutch. But it is just so intoxicating to talk to him and to feel a connection to him--even if it is just over a phone line. I know that it is keeping me emotionally stuck, but at the moment it is also keeping me calm. Talking to him takes the edge off. I don't feel like I am so separated from him when I can still talk to him every day. I know that it will end soon when he starts working and meets people, but I just can't help myself. He is my drug.
D is still sending me a lot of text messages. Three tonight. I think he is lonely too. I think he wants me to hang out with him tonight (which I don't really feel like doing). I guess I look like a good person to fall back on to everyone these days. Maybe I am viewing all of this too cynically--it is just that sometimes I feel like people only come around when they need me, and then leave me in the dust when I need them.
I had dinner with my friend M tonight. When she got home from dinner, her boyfriend proposed to her--which was funny since at dinner we had talked about the fact that her boyfriend would probably propose soon, and that she was mildly annoyed that he was so obsessed with surprising her and not giving her a clue as to when. She was definitely surprised. She called me to tell me almost right away because she thought it was so strange that we had had that conversation probably an hour before he popped the question. She seems really happy.
I am definitely happy for her, but a tiny part of me (the self-absorbed, bitter part) can't help but feel a little... not jealous, but... defeated maybe. Not that I want to be engaged right now, but it would be nice to find a guy who is even moderately willing to make some minor commitment to me. Instead I have a pair of guys who need me momentarily--one of whom I would give almost anything to be with, and one of whom I would have given almost anything to be with for ten years of my life.
Oh well. Bed time for me--up early tomorrow
My other Montana news is what the trip has done to me and HIM. It is nothing earth-shattering, but he definitely wants to talk more. He left me a message while I was on the plane flying out, just to say hi and to wish me luck. I called him that night when I got to my hotel and found out that he was in a hotel for the night halfway through his drive to South Dakota. We talked for at least an hour. It felt so good and natural to be talking about my day with him and just to hear his voice. We also talked the next night. We also talked the night after that (last night). He has also sent me two text messages between all of those conversations that read: "I miss u," and "I still miss u." He is going to call me again tonight.
I know that part of his desire to talk comes from the fact that he is currently in South Dakota, where he doesn't know anyone yet, sitting in a hotel room by himself. I know that in some ways I am just a crutch. But it is just so intoxicating to talk to him and to feel a connection to him--even if it is just over a phone line. I know that it is keeping me emotionally stuck, but at the moment it is also keeping me calm. Talking to him takes the edge off. I don't feel like I am so separated from him when I can still talk to him every day. I know that it will end soon when he starts working and meets people, but I just can't help myself. He is my drug.
D is still sending me a lot of text messages. Three tonight. I think he is lonely too. I think he wants me to hang out with him tonight (which I don't really feel like doing). I guess I look like a good person to fall back on to everyone these days. Maybe I am viewing all of this too cynically--it is just that sometimes I feel like people only come around when they need me, and then leave me in the dust when I need them.
I had dinner with my friend M tonight. When she got home from dinner, her boyfriend proposed to her--which was funny since at dinner we had talked about the fact that her boyfriend would probably propose soon, and that she was mildly annoyed that he was so obsessed with surprising her and not giving her a clue as to when. She was definitely surprised. She called me to tell me almost right away because she thought it was so strange that we had had that conversation probably an hour before he popped the question. She seems really happy.
I am definitely happy for her, but a tiny part of me (the self-absorbed, bitter part) can't help but feel a little... not jealous, but... defeated maybe. Not that I want to be engaged right now, but it would be nice to find a guy who is even moderately willing to make some minor commitment to me. Instead I have a pair of guys who need me momentarily--one of whom I would give almost anything to be with, and one of whom I would have given almost anything to be with for ten years of my life.
Oh well. Bed time for me--up early tomorrow
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Next Step
I ended up talking to him right after I wrote my last entry. I caved and called him, although he said he was just about to call me when I called. We talked for awhile. We both managed to keep our emotions in check, although I teared up at several points and I heard him get choked up at least once. Not that it matters. But it really was nice to talk to him. It is still such a huge adjustment not talking to him every day. I have been having some dreams about him, which I hate, but aside from that I have been keeping it together. He is heading to South Dakota sometime in the next couple days. And tomorrow through Friday, I will be in the same timezone as him. I don't know why I care. I shouldn't. For some reason, it comforts me though. I still have a long, long way to go to get over him.
Hopefully, I will soon make it with him to the place I've made it with D. I just hope it doesn't take as long to get over him as it did to get over D. With D it took about 10 years to reach a point where I am no longer emotionally hung up on him. Of course, I'm older now and I think also more emotionally self-sufficient--but I guess only time will tell. Over the past few days, I've realized that I am not feeling ripped apart about HIM right now because a big part of me still holds onto hope that we will get another shot at being together sometime in the next few years. I know that it is unhealthy to hold onto that, but I can't help it. I feel like the only thing that has been in our way has been his inability to make a commitment. Part of me wonders if he just needs to mature for a few more years and sew a few more wild oats. Am I crazy to let myself consider that that might be a possibility? I love him, and I know that he feels something significant for me too--I am just not sure if he feels the same way I do and held it back because he knew the timing was bad, or if he just didn't love me enough.
I know that I have to leave him in the past (at least for now). I cannot sit and dream up hypothetical situations where we might be together in the future. I think that it is okay to stay in touch with him (after all--in addition to whatever else we had, we were definitely best friends), but I know that eventually I will have to put myself back out there romantically. I am not in a hurry to be in a relationship or anything, but once I am settled somewhere I need to open myself up to the possibility of meeting people, making friends, and even going on dates. In general, I am definitely ready to get moving with this next phase of my life. I am starting to feel a little bored and trapped in this little transitional phase.
Tomorrow, I fly out to Montana early tomorrow morning for my interview. I am pretty nervous about the whole thing--from beginning to end. My nerves start with the flight. I am not the best flier. I never have been, although I've had to get used to it since I've been flying back and forth between home and school several times a year for the past five years. This flight is going to be longer though. I have about 4 hours for the first leg, a VERY short layover (I am afraid that I will miss my connection), and two hours on the second leg. When it comes to travel, my mind always goes to the worst-case scenario. Yes, I think of car crashes, plane crashes, lost luggage, missed connections, medical emergencies--anything you could imagine. I know it is more than a little spazzy to immediately start dreading the worst and most unlikely scenarios, but I can't seem to help it. I don't like being up in a plane with absolutely no control over it. I don't like being confined in a small, airborne vehicle for so long with no way to get off. Basically, all of my travel phobias come down to hating the feeling of not being in control. It doesn't help that every time I've turned on the TV in the past week there has been some sort of show about 9/11 on. It is not that I think anything like that will happen on one of my flights--it is just that I seem to have a very troublesome tendency to let myself dwell on ANY possible thing that could go wrong when I am flying, so having something that terrible constantly on TV, and therefore on my mind, for the past several days has not been good for my level of calm.
Once I make it through my flights, I have to worry about what happens at my destination. The office manager who made my travel arrangements told me she would email me about before my trip and never did (most importantly, if someone is going to pick me up at the airport). I emailed her this morning to ask about it and still haven't heard back from her. I have no idea how I am getting from the airport to my hotel, what time my interview starts on Thursday, how I am getting from the hotel to the office, or any other details about my trip. I guess this will be an exercise in relaxing and relinquishing control. I will just have to trust that it will all work out.
In all of this, I am really not as nervous about the interview as I am about the travel. I am just not thinking logically. I am getting all hung up on details that are out of my control, rather than focusing on the larger purpose of the trip, which I do have some control over. But right now, I just want to get the flight over with and find out exactly what is happening on the other end in terms of transportation and my itinerary.
I am actually looking forward to seeing the city and staying in a hotel. It sounds silly, but I've never stayed in a hotel by myself, and I am kind of excited about it for some reason. I hope I get a chance to just walk around Missoula and take in the sights. My main interview is Thursday, so I am hoping that the company doesn't have anything planned for me tomorrow when I get in. It would be nice to just have some time to myself there. Then again, I would rather them be overly attentive than forget to pick me up at the airport and never get back to me about interview details.
I guess overall, I am just a ball of anxiety right now. I feel so stuck and stifled already, even though I have only been back with my parents for a week and a half. And it isn't them--I enjoy being around them for the most part--I just want to jump back into my own life. I need to move on. Physically, emotionally--everything. I just need to start living my own life. Hopefully Montana works out. There is a lot riding on this interview. There are no other job prospects on the horizon, and I actually really want this job. I am afraid to admit that--it seems like whenever I really want something it gets away (yes, I am being overly dramatic). I just need to start doing something productive, and to build a new life for myself.
Here's hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow (and for the whole trip).
Hopefully, I will soon make it with him to the place I've made it with D. I just hope it doesn't take as long to get over him as it did to get over D. With D it took about 10 years to reach a point where I am no longer emotionally hung up on him. Of course, I'm older now and I think also more emotionally self-sufficient--but I guess only time will tell. Over the past few days, I've realized that I am not feeling ripped apart about HIM right now because a big part of me still holds onto hope that we will get another shot at being together sometime in the next few years. I know that it is unhealthy to hold onto that, but I can't help it. I feel like the only thing that has been in our way has been his inability to make a commitment. Part of me wonders if he just needs to mature for a few more years and sew a few more wild oats. Am I crazy to let myself consider that that might be a possibility? I love him, and I know that he feels something significant for me too--I am just not sure if he feels the same way I do and held it back because he knew the timing was bad, or if he just didn't love me enough.
I know that I have to leave him in the past (at least for now). I cannot sit and dream up hypothetical situations where we might be together in the future. I think that it is okay to stay in touch with him (after all--in addition to whatever else we had, we were definitely best friends), but I know that eventually I will have to put myself back out there romantically. I am not in a hurry to be in a relationship or anything, but once I am settled somewhere I need to open myself up to the possibility of meeting people, making friends, and even going on dates. In general, I am definitely ready to get moving with this next phase of my life. I am starting to feel a little bored and trapped in this little transitional phase.
Tomorrow, I fly out to Montana early tomorrow morning for my interview. I am pretty nervous about the whole thing--from beginning to end. My nerves start with the flight. I am not the best flier. I never have been, although I've had to get used to it since I've been flying back and forth between home and school several times a year for the past five years. This flight is going to be longer though. I have about 4 hours for the first leg, a VERY short layover (I am afraid that I will miss my connection), and two hours on the second leg. When it comes to travel, my mind always goes to the worst-case scenario. Yes, I think of car crashes, plane crashes, lost luggage, missed connections, medical emergencies--anything you could imagine. I know it is more than a little spazzy to immediately start dreading the worst and most unlikely scenarios, but I can't seem to help it. I don't like being up in a plane with absolutely no control over it. I don't like being confined in a small, airborne vehicle for so long with no way to get off. Basically, all of my travel phobias come down to hating the feeling of not being in control. It doesn't help that every time I've turned on the TV in the past week there has been some sort of show about 9/11 on. It is not that I think anything like that will happen on one of my flights--it is just that I seem to have a very troublesome tendency to let myself dwell on ANY possible thing that could go wrong when I am flying, so having something that terrible constantly on TV, and therefore on my mind, for the past several days has not been good for my level of calm.
Once I make it through my flights, I have to worry about what happens at my destination. The office manager who made my travel arrangements told me she would email me about before my trip and never did (most importantly, if someone is going to pick me up at the airport). I emailed her this morning to ask about it and still haven't heard back from her. I have no idea how I am getting from the airport to my hotel, what time my interview starts on Thursday, how I am getting from the hotel to the office, or any other details about my trip. I guess this will be an exercise in relaxing and relinquishing control. I will just have to trust that it will all work out.
In all of this, I am really not as nervous about the interview as I am about the travel. I am just not thinking logically. I am getting all hung up on details that are out of my control, rather than focusing on the larger purpose of the trip, which I do have some control over. But right now, I just want to get the flight over with and find out exactly what is happening on the other end in terms of transportation and my itinerary.
I am actually looking forward to seeing the city and staying in a hotel. It sounds silly, but I've never stayed in a hotel by myself, and I am kind of excited about it for some reason. I hope I get a chance to just walk around Missoula and take in the sights. My main interview is Thursday, so I am hoping that the company doesn't have anything planned for me tomorrow when I get in. It would be nice to just have some time to myself there. Then again, I would rather them be overly attentive than forget to pick me up at the airport and never get back to me about interview details.
I guess overall, I am just a ball of anxiety right now. I feel so stuck and stifled already, even though I have only been back with my parents for a week and a half. And it isn't them--I enjoy being around them for the most part--I just want to jump back into my own life. I need to move on. Physically, emotionally--everything. I just need to start living my own life. Hopefully Montana works out. There is a lot riding on this interview. There are no other job prospects on the horizon, and I actually really want this job. I am afraid to admit that--it seems like whenever I really want something it gets away (yes, I am being overly dramatic). I just need to start doing something productive, and to build a new life for myself.
Here's hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow (and for the whole trip).
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sinking
I had another nightmare last night, but luckily it was just the garden-variety "being chased by a psychotic killer" type nightmare, and not one in which someone close to me died. I am not sure what is going on with my poor head. I think that maybe I am just feeling unsettled at the moment.
I am starting to feel pain creeping through. I am doing my best to keep it back, and to resist the ever-growing urge to call him. He must have seen that he missed a call from me the other night and he never called back, so I should just take that as a sign that he doesn't want to talk to me. And regardless of the fact that he didn't call me back, he has also made no attempt to call me on his own either. I know it is for the best, but it is getting harder and harder to stay strong. I know that it will only set me back to hear his voice. I thought about just sending him an email, but really, what is the point? What do I hope to get out of it? I miss him a lot, but I don't really think any good can come of talking to him right now. It really is becoming a constant struggle not to pick up my phone. It is Saturday night and I know a lot of his friends still live in his home town, so it is safe to assume that he is out and partying. That should be reason enough not to call. I might give in tonight though.
Another person who does not seem to like returning my calls is R, my best friend from college. I have left so many messages for her, and have not received one call back. Not to mention the facebook message she sent me telling me that she was going to call me "this weekend," which was about a month ago now. I don't want to call her anymore, because it seems pointless, but I also really miss her--and in general, I miss having SOMEONE to talk to. The charms of being home and having nothing to do are really starting to wear off. Thank goodness I have my job interview on Wednesday.
I am starting to feel pain creeping through. I am doing my best to keep it back, and to resist the ever-growing urge to call him. He must have seen that he missed a call from me the other night and he never called back, so I should just take that as a sign that he doesn't want to talk to me. And regardless of the fact that he didn't call me back, he has also made no attempt to call me on his own either. I know it is for the best, but it is getting harder and harder to stay strong. I know that it will only set me back to hear his voice. I thought about just sending him an email, but really, what is the point? What do I hope to get out of it? I miss him a lot, but I don't really think any good can come of talking to him right now. It really is becoming a constant struggle not to pick up my phone. It is Saturday night and I know a lot of his friends still live in his home town, so it is safe to assume that he is out and partying. That should be reason enough not to call. I might give in tonight though.
Another person who does not seem to like returning my calls is R, my best friend from college. I have left so many messages for her, and have not received one call back. Not to mention the facebook message she sent me telling me that she was going to call me "this weekend," which was about a month ago now. I don't want to call her anymore, because it seems pointless, but I also really miss her--and in general, I miss having SOMEONE to talk to. The charms of being home and having nothing to do are really starting to wear off. Thank goodness I have my job interview on Wednesday.
Tired
I didn't sleep very soundly last night. I stayed up pretty late reading, because I was almost done with my book, but the late bedtime really wasn't to blame. Lately I have been having nightmares. In general, I have a lot of nightmares. I am not really sure why. To me, this was one of the worst. Last night I had a dream that my Dad died. I don't remember how. My entire dream consisted of me trying to get through a day in high school right after losing my Dad. I was unable to concentrate on anything and spent every class sobbing. It was a horrible, horrible dream. Needless to say, I was relieved to wake up--but I also still felt unsettled. I just keep thinking back to the dream I had the night the girl in my high school died. I know it is silly, but a small irrational part of me is afraid that dreaming it will make it happen.
Another reason that I didn't sleep well last night is this house. I've realized that for some reason I felt much safer in my city apartment than I feel here. It is completely illogical, since crime rates are much lower here, but once night come here I just start getting bouts of paranoia. In my little apartment in the city I could see my front door from my bed. Here it is downstairs. It is an absolutely absurd thing to worry about. My parents are in the house, the doors are locked, and I live in a very safe neighborhood.
I am afraid that I might be sliding back into something that plagued me in my childhood. I had pretty serious anxiety issues between the ages of 8 and 11. I avoided leaving the house whenever possible, crept into my parents' room almost every night to sleep on their floor, and was unable to make it through sleepovers at friends houses without calling my parents to come pick me up. I was afraid of any and all conceivable disasters--the house might burn down, the dog might get hit by a car, etc, etc. For some reason I felt like if I was in the house, sleeping on my parents' floor, none of that would happen. The fears I am displaying now are almost as absurd. Any little sound in the house makes me jump and keeps my adrenaline pumping to the point that I cannot fall asleep until I am completely exhausted. I feel at least a little afraid every night--and my parents are in the house! Imagine if I lived here alone!
Maybe I am just misplacing emotion a bit. I am nervous about my job interview and about the future in general. I am still dealing with heartache from the situation with him. I have plenty of things rolling around to unsettle me. That is probably the source of the dreams and of the irrational fears. I guess I will just have to deal with it for now.
I am still doing okay with the whole HIM situation. I haven't heard from him, and I haven't tried to call him again. I know that it really is better that way. Time and distance are really the only ways to heal.
I guess I should try to sleep now. My head will be clearer in the morning.
Another reason that I didn't sleep well last night is this house. I've realized that for some reason I felt much safer in my city apartment than I feel here. It is completely illogical, since crime rates are much lower here, but once night come here I just start getting bouts of paranoia. In my little apartment in the city I could see my front door from my bed. Here it is downstairs. It is an absolutely absurd thing to worry about. My parents are in the house, the doors are locked, and I live in a very safe neighborhood.
I am afraid that I might be sliding back into something that plagued me in my childhood. I had pretty serious anxiety issues between the ages of 8 and 11. I avoided leaving the house whenever possible, crept into my parents' room almost every night to sleep on their floor, and was unable to make it through sleepovers at friends houses without calling my parents to come pick me up. I was afraid of any and all conceivable disasters--the house might burn down, the dog might get hit by a car, etc, etc. For some reason I felt like if I was in the house, sleeping on my parents' floor, none of that would happen. The fears I am displaying now are almost as absurd. Any little sound in the house makes me jump and keeps my adrenaline pumping to the point that I cannot fall asleep until I am completely exhausted. I feel at least a little afraid every night--and my parents are in the house! Imagine if I lived here alone!
Maybe I am just misplacing emotion a bit. I am nervous about my job interview and about the future in general. I am still dealing with heartache from the situation with him. I have plenty of things rolling around to unsettle me. That is probably the source of the dreams and of the irrational fears. I guess I will just have to deal with it for now.
I am still doing okay with the whole HIM situation. I haven't heard from him, and I haven't tried to call him again. I know that it really is better that way. Time and distance are really the only ways to heal.
I guess I should try to sleep now. My head will be clearer in the morning.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Distance
Distance is definitely the key to not feeling pain right now. I find that any mention or reminder of the city I just moved from makes me crack a little. I saw a show tonight that was set there and little waves of pain just started to come--which led to me trying to call him. My thought process was something like, "Why shouldn't I call him? I miss him and want to talk to him." I got his voicemail and didn't leave a message. I think the fact that I tried to call him and didn't actually get him on the phone made me feel a thousand times worse. It just reminds me that I can no longer talk him or see him whenever I want to. I went from seeing and talking to him every day to just having him completely gone. I was doing so well before I saw that show. Up to this point the change of location has been very helpful. I guess I will just have to try to re-immerse myself in the here and now. I am almost hoping that he doesn't call me back (I doubt he would tonight anyways--but I mean at all). As much as I miss hearing his voice, it will only set me back.
I got a nice outfit for my job interview. I actually feel good in it. I am not really the suit-wearing type, so I managed to find something that is suit-like, but still young and stylish. I just need to find a pair of shoes that won't make my feet throb and I will be all set. I fly out next Wednesday--a little less than a week to prepare myself for this interview, which will mainly consist of keeping myself calm.
I am meeting up with my friend M on Saturday. I haven't seen her since last summer. She is one of the only people from high school who I am still in touch with--really the only one other than D. She is the kind of person who I could talk to anything about, although I am starting to feel like we are in different places in our lives for the first time. What I mean by that is that we both graduated high school and went to college, but now she has had a full-time job for a year and just bought a house with her boyfriend. I am still looking for my post-college job and am nursing a broken heart from yet another non-committal man. I just feel like she is much more settled and "together" than me. I think we will still have plenty to talk about though, since we haven't "caught up" in awhile.
I got a couple texts from D yesterday. It's funny--back when I was head-over-heels in love with D, I hardly got any calls or texts from him, but now that I am over it, he is all too eager to talk. His texts said:
You can be a pain in the ass at times but thanks for the other night. I really mean that.
And just in case I made you think otherwise I honestly didn't have any intentions of trying anything. At one point I made a conscious effort to stop playing with your earrings cuz I was afraid you would think so and didn't want you to be uncomfortable. But honestly I was legit fascinated by them (blame the exhaustion) cuz of the shape and I'm amazed that something so simple could cost so damned much lol
Hm. Methinks thou dost protest too much. I still think that his general vibe was that he wanted something to happen, but I at least think he got the message that I didn't want anything to happen. Touching my earrings was not the only issue. He was touching me for no apparent reason a variety of other times. Maybe I read too much into it, but I know him pretty well, and I definitely feel like if I had been receptive, he would have made a mood. Either way, he clearly gets that I don't want to take it there this time around. I probably will hang out with him again. It was nice to talk to him and since I can start to feel my emotional armor cracking a bit and could really use the company and support right now.
So, I guess in the end my last two days add up to the realization that when I am in love with guys, they inevitably have commitment issues, but once I get over them, they decide they want to give me attention that I no longer want. That isn't a fun pattern. I also find that while the guys who I care deeply about are never ready to commit, or think the timing is bad, or whatever else, guys who do love me and want to be with me (like M) just aren't quite right for me. I definitely don't think it's a case of me wanting what I can't have, because I don't realize that I can't have the ones I really want to be with until after I've already decided that they're perfect for me. It is just bad luck, or bad judgment I guess. I just need to remember (again) that any guy who is willing to let me go so easily is really not worth my tears. I still love HIM so much more than I can handle, but I should not spend time wishing I could be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me. It is just illogical. Remembering that really does help.
I will end with a poem that has been running through my head today. It just fits my situation so perfectly that I am really leaning on it at the moment. Emily Dickinson again:
I got a nice outfit for my job interview. I actually feel good in it. I am not really the suit-wearing type, so I managed to find something that is suit-like, but still young and stylish. I just need to find a pair of shoes that won't make my feet throb and I will be all set. I fly out next Wednesday--a little less than a week to prepare myself for this interview, which will mainly consist of keeping myself calm.
I am meeting up with my friend M on Saturday. I haven't seen her since last summer. She is one of the only people from high school who I am still in touch with--really the only one other than D. She is the kind of person who I could talk to anything about, although I am starting to feel like we are in different places in our lives for the first time. What I mean by that is that we both graduated high school and went to college, but now she has had a full-time job for a year and just bought a house with her boyfriend. I am still looking for my post-college job and am nursing a broken heart from yet another non-committal man. I just feel like she is much more settled and "together" than me. I think we will still have plenty to talk about though, since we haven't "caught up" in awhile.
I got a couple texts from D yesterday. It's funny--back when I was head-over-heels in love with D, I hardly got any calls or texts from him, but now that I am over it, he is all too eager to talk. His texts said:
You can be a pain in the ass at times but thanks for the other night. I really mean that.
And just in case I made you think otherwise I honestly didn't have any intentions of trying anything. At one point I made a conscious effort to stop playing with your earrings cuz I was afraid you would think so and didn't want you to be uncomfortable. But honestly I was legit fascinated by them (blame the exhaustion) cuz of the shape and I'm amazed that something so simple could cost so damned much lol
Hm. Methinks thou dost protest too much. I still think that his general vibe was that he wanted something to happen, but I at least think he got the message that I didn't want anything to happen. Touching my earrings was not the only issue. He was touching me for no apparent reason a variety of other times. Maybe I read too much into it, but I know him pretty well, and I definitely feel like if I had been receptive, he would have made a mood. Either way, he clearly gets that I don't want to take it there this time around. I probably will hang out with him again. It was nice to talk to him and since I can start to feel my emotional armor cracking a bit and could really use the company and support right now.
So, I guess in the end my last two days add up to the realization that when I am in love with guys, they inevitably have commitment issues, but once I get over them, they decide they want to give me attention that I no longer want. That isn't a fun pattern. I also find that while the guys who I care deeply about are never ready to commit, or think the timing is bad, or whatever else, guys who do love me and want to be with me (like M) just aren't quite right for me. I definitely don't think it's a case of me wanting what I can't have, because I don't realize that I can't have the ones I really want to be with until after I've already decided that they're perfect for me. It is just bad luck, or bad judgment I guess. I just need to remember (again) that any guy who is willing to let me go so easily is really not worth my tears. I still love HIM so much more than I can handle, but I should not spend time wishing I could be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me. It is just illogical. Remembering that really does help.
I will end with a poem that has been running through my head today. It just fits my situation so perfectly that I am really leaning on it at the moment. Emily Dickinson again:
Heart! We will forget him!
You and I—tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave—
I will forget the light!
When you have done, pray tell me
That I may straight begin!
Haste! lest while you're lagging
I remember him
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