Tired

I didn't sleep very soundly last night. I stayed up pretty late reading, because I was almost done with my book, but the late bedtime really wasn't to blame. Lately I have been having nightmares. In general, I have a lot of nightmares. I am not really sure why. To me, this was one of the worst. Last night I had a dream that my Dad died. I don't remember how. My entire dream consisted of me trying to get through a day in high school right after losing my Dad. I was unable to concentrate on anything and spent every class sobbing. It was a horrible, horrible dream. Needless to say, I was relieved to wake up--but I also still felt unsettled. I just keep thinking back to the dream I had the night the girl in my high school died. I know it is silly, but a small irrational part of me is afraid that dreaming it will make it happen.

Another reason that I didn't sleep well last night is this house. I've realized that for some reason I felt much safer in my city apartment than I feel here. It is completely illogical, since crime rates are much lower here, but once night come here I just start getting bouts of paranoia. In my little apartment in the city I could see my front door from my bed. Here it is downstairs. It is an absolutely absurd thing to worry about. My parents are in the house, the doors are locked, and I live in a very safe neighborhood.

I am afraid that I might be sliding back into something that plagued me in my childhood. I had pretty serious anxiety issues between the ages of 8 and 11. I avoided leaving the house whenever possible, crept into my parents' room almost every night to sleep on their floor, and was unable to make it through sleepovers at friends houses without calling my parents to come pick me up. I was afraid of any and all conceivable disasters--the house might burn down, the dog might get hit by a car, etc, etc. For some reason I felt like if I was in the house, sleeping on my parents' floor, none of that would happen. The fears I am displaying now are almost as absurd. Any little sound in the house makes me jump and keeps my adrenaline pumping to the point that I cannot fall asleep until I am completely exhausted. I feel at least a little afraid every night--and my parents are in the house! Imagine if I lived here alone!

Maybe I am just misplacing emotion a bit. I am nervous about my job interview and about the future in general. I am still dealing with heartache from the situation with him. I have plenty of things rolling around to unsettle me. That is probably the source of the dreams and of the irrational fears. I guess I will just have to deal with it for now.

I am still doing okay with the whole HIM situation. I haven't heard from him, and I haven't tried to call him again. I know that it really is better that way. Time and distance are really the only ways to heal.

I guess I should try to sleep now. My head will be clearer in the morning.