One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I talked to him last night as expected. He is going to call me tomorrow night too to let me know how his first day of work went. We are still attached to each other in a rather unhealthy way. I just know that I have to be prepared for him to fall off the face of the earth once he starts to feel better about being in South Dakota. I have been through situations like this before. I know that I am only needed for temporary comfort and companionship. Of course, instead of complaining about it, I could refuse to be the temporary emotional crutch--but we all know I can't manage to do that. I still love him too much. The only thing that is keeping me from missing him horribly is the fact that we have been talking on the phone a lot. I know that I am just delaying the emotional crash, but right now that feels like my best option. Who voluntarily feels pain? I am obviously going to put it off for as long as possible.

I am getting truly irritated with the fact that I have not been able to get a hold of R, my best friend from college. Obviously calling her isn't working, so I am going to give that up--but I am not sure if I want to try to send her an email or a Facebook message in some sort of last ditch effort to reconnect. We were too close for me to just let this go, but friendship should not be a one way street. I don't know what is going on with her. Part of me worries that something horrible happened, and she has not been up to calling, but realistically I know that she has probably just chosen not to return my calls. It can't have been anything I've done. There is really no reason for her to be mad at me or to avoid me. I feel hurt, and abandoned, and insignificant. I miss talking to her, but when do I just call it quits?

D did ask me to hang out with him last night, but I didn't feel like going out so late so I told him I would have to take a rain check. The ball is in my court now with him. I will probably hang out with him again, but in my current state of half annoyance and half self-pity caused by the fact that people seem to continuously ditch me in one way or another, it might not be the best idea. I could easily take it out on him--after all, for several years he was the one continuously ditching me in one way or another. With R not returning my calls, and the fact that I am still facing the inevitable emotional mess that will come with the realization that HE really will never want to be with me, I am just in a bit of a mood right now.

I know that this self-pity act is getting a bit tired and out of control, but I really don't understand why any of this is happening. Is there something wrong with me that people just feel the need to get as far away from me as possible? Forget guys, my female friends don't even want to keep me in their lives. At least that's the way it feels. It just makes me feel toxic and defective. It also makes my mind dwell on the ultimate "poor me" question: Why doesn't anyone want me?

I am sure that my mood will improve once I get a little more productive. Tomorrow I am going into my Mom's office to help out with filing and answering phones (which I have been doing there off and on since I was about 15). Maybe that will perk me up. At least it will get me out of the house.