The Next Step

I ended up talking to him right after I wrote my last entry. I caved and called him, although he said he was just about to call me when I called. We talked for awhile. We both managed to keep our emotions in check, although I teared up at several points and I heard him get choked up at least once. Not that it matters. But it really was nice to talk to him. It is still such a huge adjustment not talking to him every day. I have been having some dreams about him, which I hate, but aside from that I have been keeping it together. He is heading to South Dakota sometime in the next couple days. And tomorrow through Friday, I will be in the same timezone as him. I don't know why I care. I shouldn't. For some reason, it comforts me though. I still have a long, long way to go to get over him.

Hopefully, I will soon make it with him to the place I've made it with D. I just hope it doesn't take as long to get over him as it did to get over D. With D it took about 10 years to reach a point where I am no longer emotionally hung up on him. Of course, I'm older now and I think also more emotionally self-sufficient--but I guess only time will tell. Over the past few days, I've realized that I am not feeling ripped apart about HIM right now because a big part of me still holds onto hope that we will get another shot at being together sometime in the next few years. I know that it is unhealthy to hold onto that, but I can't help it. I feel like the only thing that has been in our way has been his inability to make a commitment. Part of me wonders if he just needs to mature for a few more years and sew a few more wild oats. Am I crazy to let myself consider that that might be a possibility? I love him, and I know that he feels something significant for me too--I am just not sure if he feels the same way I do and held it back because he knew the timing was bad, or if he just didn't love me enough.

I know that I have to leave him in the past (at least for now). I cannot sit and dream up hypothetical situations where we might be together in the future. I think that it is okay to stay in touch with him (after all--in addition to whatever else we had, we were definitely best friends), but I know that eventually I will have to put myself back out there romantically. I am not in a hurry to be in a relationship or anything, but once I am settled somewhere I need to open myself up to the possibility of meeting people, making friends, and even going on dates. In general, I am definitely ready to get moving with this next phase of my life. I am starting to feel a little bored and trapped in this little transitional phase.

Tomorrow, I fly out to Montana early tomorrow morning for my interview. I am pretty nervous about the whole thing--from beginning to end. My nerves start with the flight. I am not the best flier. I never have been, although I've had to get used to it since I've been flying back and forth between home and school several times a year for the past five years. This flight is going to be longer though. I have about 4 hours for the first leg, a VERY short layover (I am afraid that I will miss my connection), and two hours on the second leg. When it comes to travel, my mind always goes to the worst-case scenario. Yes, I think of car crashes, plane crashes, lost luggage, missed connections, medical emergencies--anything you could imagine. I know it is more than a little spazzy to immediately start dreading the worst and most unlikely scenarios, but I can't seem to help it. I don't like being up in a plane with absolutely no control over it. I don't like being confined in a small, airborne vehicle for so long with no way to get off. Basically, all of my travel phobias come down to hating the feeling of not being in control. It doesn't help that every time I've turned on the TV in the past week there has been some sort of show about 9/11 on. It is not that I think anything like that will happen on one of my flights--it is just that I seem to have a very troublesome tendency to let myself dwell on ANY possible thing that could go wrong when I am flying, so having something that terrible constantly on TV, and therefore on my mind, for the past several days has not been good for my level of calm.

Once I make it through my flights, I have to worry about what happens at my destination. The office manager who made my travel arrangements told me she would email me about before my trip and never did (most importantly, if someone is going to pick me up at the airport). I emailed her this morning to ask about it and still haven't heard back from her. I have no idea how I am getting from the airport to my hotel, what time my interview starts on Thursday, how I am getting from the hotel to the office, or any other details about my trip. I guess this will be an exercise in relaxing and relinquishing control. I will just have to trust that it will all work out.

In all of this, I am really not as nervous about the interview as I am about the travel. I am just not thinking logically. I am getting all hung up on details that are out of my control, rather than focusing on the larger purpose of the trip, which I do have some control over. But right now, I just want to get the flight over with and find out exactly what is happening on the other end in terms of transportation and my itinerary.

I am actually looking forward to seeing the city and staying in a hotel. It sounds silly, but I've never stayed in a hotel by myself, and I am kind of excited about it for some reason. I hope I get a chance to just walk around Missoula and take in the sights. My main interview is Thursday, so I am hoping that the company doesn't have anything planned for me tomorrow when I get in. It would be nice to just have some time to myself there. Then again, I would rather them be overly attentive than forget to pick me up at the airport and never get back to me about interview details.

I guess overall, I am just a ball of anxiety right now. I feel so stuck and stifled already, even though I have only been back with my parents for a week and a half. And it isn't them--I enjoy being around them for the most part--I just want to jump back into my own life. I need to move on. Physically, emotionally--everything. I just need to start living my own life. Hopefully Montana works out. There is a lot riding on this interview. There are no other job prospects on the horizon, and I actually really want this job. I am afraid to admit that--it seems like whenever I really want something it gets away (yes, I am being overly dramatic). I just need to start doing something productive, and to build a new life for myself.

Here's hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow (and for the whole trip).