Distance

Distance is definitely the key to not feeling pain right now. I find that any mention or reminder of the city I just moved from makes me crack a little. I saw a show tonight that was set there and little waves of pain just started to come--which led to me trying to call him. My thought process was something like, "Why shouldn't I call him? I miss him and want to talk to him." I got his voicemail and didn't leave a message. I think the fact that I tried to call him and didn't actually get him on the phone made me feel a thousand times worse. It just reminds me that I can no longer talk him or see him whenever I want to. I went from seeing and talking to him every day to just having him completely gone. I was doing so well before I saw that show. Up to this point the change of location has been very helpful. I guess I will just have to try to re-immerse myself in the here and now. I am almost hoping that he doesn't call me back (I doubt he would tonight anyways--but I mean at all). As much as I miss hearing his voice, it will only set me back.

I got a nice outfit for my job interview. I actually feel good in it. I am not really the suit-wearing type, so I managed to find something that is suit-like, but still young and stylish. I just need to find a pair of shoes that won't make my feet throb and I will be all set. I fly out next Wednesday--a little less than a week to prepare myself for this interview, which will mainly consist of keeping myself calm.

I am meeting up with my friend M on Saturday. I haven't seen her since last summer. She is one of the only people from high school who I am still in touch with--really the only one other than D. She is the kind of person who I could talk to anything about, although I am starting to feel like we are in different places in our lives for the first time. What I mean by that is that we both graduated high school and went to college, but now she has had a full-time job for a year and just bought a house with her boyfriend. I am still looking for my post-college job and am nursing a broken heart from yet another non-committal man. I just feel like she is much more settled and "together" than me. I think we will still have plenty to talk about though, since we haven't "caught up" in awhile.

I got a couple texts from D yesterday. It's funny--back when I was head-over-heels in love with D, I hardly got any calls or texts from him, but now that I am over it, he is all too eager to talk. His texts said:

You can be a pain in the ass at times but thanks for the other night. I really mean that.

And just in case I made you think otherwise I honestly didn't have any intentions of trying anything. At one point I made a conscious effort to stop playing with your earrings cuz I was afraid you would think so and didn't want you to be uncomfortable. But honestly I was legit fascinated by them (blame the exhaustion) cuz of the shape and I'm amazed that something so simple could cost so damned much lol

Hm. Methinks thou dost protest too much. I still think that his general vibe was that he wanted something to happen, but I at least think he got the message that I didn't want anything to happen. Touching my earrings was not the only issue. He was touching me for no apparent reason a variety of other times. Maybe I read too much into it, but I know him pretty well, and I definitely feel like if I had been receptive, he would have made a mood. Either way, he clearly gets that I don't want to take it there this time around. I probably will hang out with him again. It was nice to talk to him and since I can start to feel my emotional armor cracking a bit and could really use the company and support right now.

So, I guess in the end my last two days add up to the realization that when I am in love with guys, they inevitably have commitment issues, but once I get over them, they decide they want to give me attention that I no longer want. That isn't a fun pattern. I also find that while the guys who I care deeply about are never ready to commit, or think the timing is bad, or whatever else, guys who do love me and want to be with me (like M) just aren't quite right for me. I definitely don't think it's a case of me wanting what I can't have, because I don't realize that I can't have the ones I really want to be with until after I've already decided that they're perfect for me. It is just bad luck, or bad judgment I guess. I just need to remember (again) that any guy who is willing to let me go so easily is really not worth my tears. I still love HIM so much more than I can handle, but I should not spend time wishing I could be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me. It is just illogical. Remembering that really does help.

I will end with a poem that has been running through my head today. It just fits my situation so perfectly that I am really leaning on it at the moment. Emily Dickinson again:

Heart! We will forget him!
You and I—tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave—
I will forget the light!

When you have done, pray tell me
That I may straight begin!
Haste! lest while you're lagging
I remember him