Floating Along

Everything is still pretty positive with me. Last night my parents took me out to a nice dinner to celebrate my graduation. The food was good and we had a nice time--except for the roughly 20 minutes where they decided to grill me about HIM ("So he was really just your friend?"), but I think I weathered it pretty well. Not a single tear. My parents gave me a really nice pair of earrings, even though I told them that they should not buy me a graduation gift, and we just enjoyed each others' company.

After dinner, we went to get drinks at another place nearby. Me and my Mom were both a bit tipsy and spent a good 45 minutes debating about the existence of evil. My Dad pretty much just rolled his eyes the whole time and eventually got so bored with the conversation that he wandered away from the table.

By the time we got home it was about 11PM. D had wanted me to call him when I got home, so I did even though I figured it might be a little late for him. It turns out that he was completely up for hanging out. He came and picked me up and we hung out at his house until 3AM. We basically just talked the whole time. We made a half-hearted effort to pick out a movie to watch, but I think we both actually just wanted to have someone listen to everything we've been keeping inside. I talked about HIM, about my anxiety about my job interview, about how I've changed in the last years, about my fear, hopes--my conversations with D are always pretty deep.

He had a lot on his mind too. I could tell he had been out of sorts, but I figured it was related to his breakup and the fact that he is living at home when he would rather not be. It turns out there was some deeper stuff going on there too--some childhood trauma that he had repressed and had just come bubbling into his memory in the last year. I definitely didn't expect that. He seems pretty ripped apart about all of it, and he refuses to get any type of professional help. I think I am one of three people who know. Even though we have had rough patches, and have gone pretty long periods where we weren't in contact, he still says that I "know [him] better than anyone." I hope talking to me helped a little. I wish there was something else I could do. I wish he would at least go to a counselor or something.

I got the sense that D might have wanted something to happen between us last night, but I was definitely not encouraging him. He kept finding excuses to touch me. I just honestly had no desire to do anything with D. My heart is somewhere else, and D and I are past the point of ever being able to have a casual hookup.

All in all, it was nice to talk to D. We really do know each other SO well, and it is nice to be able to talk without censoring myself. I really needed that. I don't know if I'll see him again while I am home. I think it was an emotionally exhausting night for both of us. It is hard to spend much time around someone who can see right through all your bullshit and force you to talk about the things that hurt the most.

Surprisingly, I only slept until 11 today. Considering that I didn't get home until 3, that is not bad. I spent the whole day helping my parents paint the shutters--the last thing in their summer-long house painting project that needs to be done.

When I finished painting for the day, I called HIM. I figured it was best to call him in the daytime since I've figured out that nighttime is dangerous for me emotionally. I miss him. I wanted to hear his voice. I genuinely wanted to know how his move had gone, and when he moves to South Dakota, and how graduation was. We only talked for a few minutes. I got the sense that it is a little hard for him to talk to me too. The conversation was a little awkward. We danced carefully around any sore topics, and stuck to safe things. He only slipped once when he said, "I saw the most beautiful sunset last night and I thought of you. I really wished you were here to see it." Aside from that we just sounded like two friends talking. We didn't even sound like particularly close friends. I think we both have protective walls up. I got a little teary during the conversation, but I think I did a good job of not letting it slip into my voice. I think I really want to maintain some type of contact with him--even if it is occasional and cautious. In fact, that is probably the only kind of contact with him that is healthy for me right now. It needs to be brief, spread out, and casual. No talking every day, no lovey-dovey stuff, no staying on the phone for hours. That will just keep me emotionally stuck. Today was good. I can handle conversations like that. That is all I am ready for right now. I need to slowly condition myself to interact with him as a friend, rather than as a boyfriend (even though he technically wasn't, we still had a boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic). I know that he is spending the next week visiting with people before he heads out to South Dakota (on Sept. 10), so I don't think I will talk to him very much, if at all, until after he moves. Probably for the best.

Tomorrow my parents go back to work after the long holiday weekend. It will be my first time really alone since I've been home. It will be another test for me. When my Mom gets home from work, she and I are going shopping--I need some professional-looking clothes for my interview.

So, overall I still have plenty of distractions. I am staying away from my computer as much as possible so I am not tempted to look at his MySpace, or even check his email (that would be very bad--I definitely should not do that, and I am 98% sure that I won't). I have been watching some TV in the evenings, then reading in bed until I feel tired--which happens pretty quickly now that my sleep schedule is a little more normal. The only time I've felt the slightest bit shakey in the past few days when I was on the phone with him today. Even talking about him with my parents and D has not been bad. I think I am going to be okay.