My week off is basically over. Sad. Yesterday I had to go downtown to do research in a library, and I have to go back again today (and a bunch more times in the next couple of weeks). What sucks, however, is that I am getting a cold that makes me want to stay in bed all day instead. And I have horrible PMS. But really no choice, I have to go back. In fact, I should already be on my way.
So HE said that he hasn't been as physical with me lately because: 1. He doesn't want me to think he only comes over for sex, TV, and food. 2. He is afraid of "falling in love" with me and then being crushed at the end of the year. And 3. He has not been horny lately. Okay, so #3 I can accept. Fine, he is stressed out, whatever. #1 is bullshit. It is bullshit because he still comes and watches TV and eats my food. So what is he proving? And #2 pisses me off. If it is true, he needs to relax and learn to grab life by the balls. He is so afraid of getting hurt that he gives up on a good thing. I think that is crazy. I want to make the most of the time that I have, not let a point in the future destroy my happiness in the present. So I called "bullshit" on his reasons, and he agreed to chill out and act normal. He pulled the "you're my best friend" card again. Which I hate. It is like saying, "I don't want you as more than a friend." But I don't think he meant it like that.
Anyways, time to hit the shower and head downtown. At least the library closes at 5 today, so I will be home by 6! I hope he is here when I get back.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Cry Me A River
So, last night I just started crying when he was over here watching TV with me. Part of it was, undoubtedly, hormonal... almost that time of the month. But most of it was the same old shit building up. Here's what triggered it:
So after spending the whole first half of my day bouncing his paper ideas with him, I went to the grocery store because I wanted to cook dinner. I asked if he wanted to eat with me, and he enthusiastically accepted. So I bought the food, cooked the meal, and we ate it. I did the dishes. Of course. If I had asked him to help, he would have, but I knew that he had been working on his paper all day, so I did them alone. He came back later to watch more TV, and ate a lot of the dinner leftovers. So basically, ate more of my food (I know I invited him for dinner, but I still bought all the food and would like some of the leftovers), and dirtied more dishes. Didn't wash those either. I thought about all the food I've bought recently, and realize that I have been feeding both of us most of the time. I am buying/cooking for two, he is buying/cooking for none.
Next thing--he took complete control of the TV, and proceeded to tune out pretty much anything I said (everything I said was answered with "huh?"). THEN he asked me for a back rub. And I know he has been stressed, so I did it--but with the nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was being walked all over. As an unintended side effect, all the rubbing put me in the mood, so I tried to initiate something and got, "I'm too tired," which although I am fine with in that I wouldn't want him to do anything he didn't want to, I still felt rejected. And slightly annoyed. Because it is always WHAT he wants, WHEN he wants.
So after that, we were just laying there watching TV and I thought about ALLLL of the things that I do for him, and ALLLL of the things that he doesn't do in return, and the waterworks started. And to make it worse, he turned and told me how much he appreciates everything that I do for him, and that he thinks I am beautiful and really was just tired, and that I am his "best friend." Super. I said nothing before or after. Because I get these words from him all the time. ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words. I want him to cook me a meal, or if that is too much work, take me out to dinner. Or just do the dishes. Or SOMETHING. But please, no more flowers. I want something more meaningful than flowers. I want him to take time out of his "busy" schedule and do something nice for me.
And to make things worse, here are a few of the insensitive things that have come out of his mouth lately:
"That's why I love you"
"Did your other boyfriends...?"
"...because you love me."
"If we ever lived together..."
[after discussing hypothetical rockstar lifestyle]: "Would you date me and support me while I got it off the ground?"
Now see, there are no "I love you"'s between us (even though I DO love him), we are not "boyfriend and girlfriend," and strictly speaking, we are not even dating. So he needs to watch his trap. All of these comments sting. It reminds me constantly of what we AREN'T. And reminds me how I constantly feel that I don't mean enough to him to be more to him than what we are now. And THAT is what ALL of this comes down to. Feeling like I mean nothing to him. Where's the proof? I want him to show me that he cares. And I DON'T want to ask him to cook me dinner or take me to dinner or anything. Because then he is just doing it because I asked. I want him to do it on his own. I will probably be waiting for that for a very long time.
So after spending the whole first half of my day bouncing his paper ideas with him, I went to the grocery store because I wanted to cook dinner. I asked if he wanted to eat with me, and he enthusiastically accepted. So I bought the food, cooked the meal, and we ate it. I did the dishes. Of course. If I had asked him to help, he would have, but I knew that he had been working on his paper all day, so I did them alone. He came back later to watch more TV, and ate a lot of the dinner leftovers. So basically, ate more of my food (I know I invited him for dinner, but I still bought all the food and would like some of the leftovers), and dirtied more dishes. Didn't wash those either. I thought about all the food I've bought recently, and realize that I have been feeding both of us most of the time. I am buying/cooking for two, he is buying/cooking for none.
Next thing--he took complete control of the TV, and proceeded to tune out pretty much anything I said (everything I said was answered with "huh?"). THEN he asked me for a back rub. And I know he has been stressed, so I did it--but with the nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was being walked all over. As an unintended side effect, all the rubbing put me in the mood, so I tried to initiate something and got, "I'm too tired," which although I am fine with in that I wouldn't want him to do anything he didn't want to, I still felt rejected. And slightly annoyed. Because it is always WHAT he wants, WHEN he wants.
So after that, we were just laying there watching TV and I thought about ALLLL of the things that I do for him, and ALLLL of the things that he doesn't do in return, and the waterworks started. And to make it worse, he turned and told me how much he appreciates everything that I do for him, and that he thinks I am beautiful and really was just tired, and that I am his "best friend." Super. I said nothing before or after. Because I get these words from him all the time. ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words. I want him to cook me a meal, or if that is too much work, take me out to dinner. Or just do the dishes. Or SOMETHING. But please, no more flowers. I want something more meaningful than flowers. I want him to take time out of his "busy" schedule and do something nice for me.
And to make things worse, here are a few of the insensitive things that have come out of his mouth lately:
"That's why I love you"
"Did your other boyfriends...?"
"...because you love me."
"If we ever lived together..."
[after discussing hypothetical rockstar lifestyle]: "Would you date me and support me while I got it off the ground?"
Now see, there are no "I love you"'s between us (even though I DO love him), we are not "boyfriend and girlfriend," and strictly speaking, we are not even dating. So he needs to watch his trap. All of these comments sting. It reminds me constantly of what we AREN'T. And reminds me how I constantly feel that I don't mean enough to him to be more to him than what we are now. And THAT is what ALL of this comes down to. Feeling like I mean nothing to him. Where's the proof? I want him to show me that he cares. And I DON'T want to ask him to cook me dinner or take me to dinner or anything. Because then he is just doing it because I asked. I want him to do it on his own. I will probably be waiting for that for a very long time.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Lazy
I was lazy yesterday, and I am still being lazy today. I'll see if I can motivate myself to do something tomorrow. HE is majorly stressed about a research paper. I spent the whole first half of the day bouncing ideas with him and I am making him dinner tonight. As much as I feel like our whole relationship is one-sided, I can't help but want to make him feel better when he is stressed out or upset. I know I shouldn't. I am hopeless. At least I actually enjoy cooking.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Time Flies
Can't believe it is Sunday already. Time flies when you're doing... nothing. In ten minutes I am going to brunch with my new friend in the building. Which is nice. And I have basically forgiven HIM. He apologized about 1,454,987 times. I could only glare at him for so long.
Anyways, I am glad that my new friend asked me to brunch. Got my butt out of bed before noon. And it will get me out of the building. I laid in bed and read an entire trashy magazine yesterday. That is ALL I did. It was nice. But I am ready for a little time outside today. Although I might pick up another magazine on the way home...
Anyways, I am glad that my new friend asked me to brunch. Got my butt out of bed before noon. And it will get me out of the building. I laid in bed and read an entire trashy magazine yesterday. That is ALL I did. It was nice. But I am ready for a little time outside today. Although I might pick up another magazine on the way home...
Saturday, March 22, 2008
As Predicted...
He got home at 1:45AM. And he walked in apologizing. Saying, "I am an asshole," "I am a selfish prick," blablabla. So he sulked for awhile about how crappy he felt. He even managed to make that situation about him. Then he moved on to, "I know I haven't treated you well," and "I don't deserve you." And then he finally got around to, "I'm so sorry," "I missed you while I was there," and "I really did want to watch the games with you." And he says he will try to be better, but since he is "just an asshole" it is hard to fix his behavior. That is such bullshit. He is not a bad person. He is not inherently asshole-ish. He just behaves like one sometimes. He should be able to fix that. Just don't fucking tell me "I'll be back in a half hour" and then come home over seven hours later! It is as simple as not saying anything about when he will be back. I am sick of feeling so insignificant, forgettable, and disposable. I don't have "I love you," I don't even have the boyfriend-girlfriend titles. All I have to prove that he cares about me is how he acts and how he treats me. Last night--not so good.
The only thing I did wrong last night was calling him at about 12:15AM. I wish I hadn't. I hate showing how much I think about him. But I couldn't stand it any longer. That was 6 hours into his "half hour" out.
He just came over to apologize again. He has to work on a paper all day. Which is fine with me. I believe that he is sorry, but I am still feeling a little cranky and don't really want to spend the whole day with him.
On the up side, let the days of laziness begin. I'm going to take a shower, then go out and buy mindless magazines. Maybe tomorrow I will call my new friend in the building and see if she wants to do something. Today, I'm just going to vegetate.
The only thing I did wrong last night was calling him at about 12:15AM. I wish I hadn't. I hate showing how much I think about him. But I couldn't stand it any longer. That was 6 hours into his "half hour" out.
He just came over to apologize again. He has to work on a paper all day. Which is fine with me. I believe that he is sorry, but I am still feeling a little cranky and don't really want to spend the whole day with him.
On the up side, let the days of laziness begin. I'm going to take a shower, then go out and buy mindless magazines. Maybe tomorrow I will call my new friend in the building and see if she wants to do something. Today, I'm just going to vegetate.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Victory and a Test
My paper is done! Which means that my term is done. Finally. Now I am going to take a few days to relax before jumping into more work. I should be happier about being finished, but the impending grades are kind of hanging over my head. But I will enjoy these few days. TV, movies, magazines, cooking... NICE.
HE just went up to the "girl who has a boyfriend but still wants him"'s apartment. Her boyfriend is going to be there, and I believe him that he doesn't want anything from her. The only thing that bothers me is that every time he goes there, he usually says "I won't be gone long, see you soon" and then stays until sometime past midnight (one time it was 4AM when he got back). So when he says that he won't be gone long, yet again, I am a little skeptical. He left at about 6:15. I told him maybe last week that it bothers me when he says he won't be gone long and then is. That he should not say that unless it is true. Stay out as late as you want, just don't tell me one thing and do another! So this is a test. Let's see if that sunk in. I assume that since he now knows how much that bothers me, he would not have said it this time unless he really meant it. No, actually I assume that he will be gone until at least 11. Probably later. Because that is how it goes with him. But I hope he proves me wrong.
HE just went up to the "girl who has a boyfriend but still wants him"'s apartment. Her boyfriend is going to be there, and I believe him that he doesn't want anything from her. The only thing that bothers me is that every time he goes there, he usually says "I won't be gone long, see you soon" and then stays until sometime past midnight (one time it was 4AM when he got back). So when he says that he won't be gone long, yet again, I am a little skeptical. He left at about 6:15. I told him maybe last week that it bothers me when he says he won't be gone long and then is. That he should not say that unless it is true. Stay out as late as you want, just don't tell me one thing and do another! So this is a test. Let's see if that sunk in. I assume that since he now knows how much that bothers me, he would not have said it this time unless he really meant it. No, actually I assume that he will be gone until at least 11. Probably later. Because that is how it goes with him. But I hope he proves me wrong.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Home Stretch
I am just about done with my paper. It is due tomorrow at 5, and just needs several rounds of editing. So I have decided to cook a big meal tonight. HE is coming over to watch the NCAA tournament tonight, so we may as well eat. The only thing that I am mildly irritated about is that he knows I am buying all these ingredients to cook (which isn't cheap when you have to buy spices and meat), and he also wants me to buy beer. I know that he would give me money if I asked him, but I don't know. It is actually more about having to go get it (further away than the grocery store). He doesn't have anything to do today after he finishes an exam that he is taking right now and, as well as it is going, I have this paper due tomorrow. I guess it doesn't matter. I just don't feel like he appreciates everything that I do.
So that girl responded to the facebook message I sent her asking how we know each other. She said "I'm [insert ex's name]'s friend." As if it is completely normal for the "friend" of somebody that I haven't spoken to in five years and have never met or heard of to randomly contact me! I don't think I am going to respond to her response. Especially since it might be the crazy ex using her account. Creeeeepy.
Anyways, time for a quick lunch then off to the store for chimichanga and guacamole ingredients. And maybe beer.
So that girl responded to the facebook message I sent her asking how we know each other. She said "I'm [insert ex's name]'s friend." As if it is completely normal for the "friend" of somebody that I haven't spoken to in five years and have never met or heard of to randomly contact me! I don't think I am going to respond to her response. Especially since it might be the crazy ex using her account. Creeeeepy.
Anyways, time for a quick lunch then off to the store for chimichanga and guacamole ingredients. And maybe beer.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Blast from the Past
Weird stuff going on... So I got a friend request on facebook from a girl who just graduated from a high school a few towns away from my hometown. I could not for the life of me figure out how I might know her, considering the age difference, and the fact that she did not look familiar. So I basically forgot about the request, figuring she might have mistaken me for somebody else. Until yesterday. Yesterday, she sent me a message via facebook that read, "hey can we be friends?" I thought it was a bit odd. Not normal facebook behavior. She clearly really wanted to be my facebook friend. So I accepted her friend request, mainly out of curiosity, and looked through her profile. That's when I saw it. The connection between us. She is dating my high school boyfriend. This was not a pleasant discovery. Not because I still care about him, but because he was a psycho who I almost had to take out a restraining order on. This whole thing creeped me out for several reasons:
1. It may be him using her facebook account to see my profile.
2. If it is her, why does SHE want to see my profile, considering I haven't spoken to or seen him for at least 5 years?
3. He is older than me and she is 18. I know it is legal, but still.
4. The situation got creepier....
So I immediately removed her as a friend when I saw the connection with the creep-o ex. Trust me, not someone that I want knowing my whereabouts or even my email address. But when I woke up this morning, I saw that she had sent me a second friend request. This means that she saw that I accepted/removed the first one (or just thinks I rejected it outright) and is still trying. Why the persistence? So I replied to her message and said, "how do we know each other?" Let's see if she fesses up. Or leaves me alone.
Still working on the paper. Three more days, counting today, and I am done. Still spending evenings with HIM. So nothing new there.
1. It may be him using her facebook account to see my profile.
2. If it is her, why does SHE want to see my profile, considering I haven't spoken to or seen him for at least 5 years?
3. He is older than me and she is 18. I know it is legal, but still.
4. The situation got creepier....
So I immediately removed her as a friend when I saw the connection with the creep-o ex. Trust me, not someone that I want knowing my whereabouts or even my email address. But when I woke up this morning, I saw that she had sent me a second friend request. This means that she saw that I accepted/removed the first one (or just thinks I rejected it outright) and is still trying. Why the persistence? So I replied to her message and said, "how do we know each other?" Let's see if she fesses up. Or leaves me alone.
Still working on the paper. Three more days, counting today, and I am done. Still spending evenings with HIM. So nothing new there.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Progress
Well last night, the days of minimal physical contact ended. I made dinner, which came out well (it was a new recipe, so I was happy about that), and we watched a movie, and then one thing led to another... So I have to admit that I was relieved to find it was just the fact that we are both busy, and not a lack of... whatever... on his part.
I have been working hard on my paper since 10AM, and I think that I am on track to finish it on time. Always a good thing. I can feel my motivation flagging a little. I have been working for 6 1/2 hours with only short breaks to shower, eat, and check my email. I am not good at working long, long hours. I usually hit a wall around 6-8 hours where I can no longer think, let alone write a coherent sentence. I am trying to decide if I should squeeze out another hour or call it quits. I think I will try to go just a little longer...
I have a new friend in my building. One of the people I went downtown with this past Saturday. The possibility of having a female friend, and of having somebody else in the building to hang out with, is exciting. We may make plans for after Friday, when we both finish our last papers.
As for tonight, I am sure that it will turn into hanging out with HIM again. I'm not complaining about that either, because as crazy as this situation makes me, I can't help but to want to be around him. I think I just have to live with this situation until I leave this city. Which will either be in 3 months or 5 months. I can handle that...
I have been working hard on my paper since 10AM, and I think that I am on track to finish it on time. Always a good thing. I can feel my motivation flagging a little. I have been working for 6 1/2 hours with only short breaks to shower, eat, and check my email. I am not good at working long, long hours. I usually hit a wall around 6-8 hours where I can no longer think, let alone write a coherent sentence. I am trying to decide if I should squeeze out another hour or call it quits. I think I will try to go just a little longer...
I have a new friend in my building. One of the people I went downtown with this past Saturday. The possibility of having a female friend, and of having somebody else in the building to hang out with, is exciting. We may make plans for after Friday, when we both finish our last papers.
As for tonight, I am sure that it will turn into hanging out with HIM again. I'm not complaining about that either, because as crazy as this situation makes me, I can't help but to want to be around him. I think I just have to live with this situation until I leave this city. Which will either be in 3 months or 5 months. I can handle that...
Monday, March 17, 2008
Motivation?
Where do I get me some of that? I keep drifting in and out of this looonnngggg paper that I have to have finished by Friday at 5. I know I will get it done, but my attention span is zero at the moment. Mainly because my mind is occupied with HIM, as usual.
So, I watched a movie with him last night. Worked on my paper this morning. Needed a break and knocked on his door around noon. But he couldn't let me in because he was... masturbating. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just seem to knock on his door any time he is doing that. And this is going to sound really lame, but in a way it makes me feel rejected. We haven't had sex since Friday. I don't know if he is consciously avoiding it, or if we are both just so busy that it doesn't come up. But I feel like my yelling at him has made him feel guilty about having sex with me while we are not officially a couple. Also, he made a "joking" comment about how he should stop because he thinks my best friend from college (who he has never met) thinks he's a jerk. Which she does, a little. But he said he wasn't serious. Although, if he was, he is probably right that it is a good idea to stop. But I don't want to. I am trying hard not to initiate physical stuff, because I want to let him/see if he will. I am clinging to this pseudo-relationship in a way that is very very unhealthy.
On a brighter note, I am going to reward myself for working hard on my paper (assuming I eventually do that) by cooking chicken cordon bleu tonight. Cooking is so much fun, and what could be better than chicken with cheese and ham? Although I know that I will see if he wants to eat with me. And he will probably say yes, because who says no to a free, home-cooked meal? Oh well, for now I will just (try to) focus on my paper.
So, I watched a movie with him last night. Worked on my paper this morning. Needed a break and knocked on his door around noon. But he couldn't let me in because he was... masturbating. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just seem to knock on his door any time he is doing that. And this is going to sound really lame, but in a way it makes me feel rejected. We haven't had sex since Friday. I don't know if he is consciously avoiding it, or if we are both just so busy that it doesn't come up. But I feel like my yelling at him has made him feel guilty about having sex with me while we are not officially a couple. Also, he made a "joking" comment about how he should stop because he thinks my best friend from college (who he has never met) thinks he's a jerk. Which she does, a little. But he said he wasn't serious. Although, if he was, he is probably right that it is a good idea to stop. But I don't want to. I am trying hard not to initiate physical stuff, because I want to let him/see if he will. I am clinging to this pseudo-relationship in a way that is very very unhealthy.
On a brighter note, I am going to reward myself for working hard on my paper (assuming I eventually do that) by cooking chicken cordon bleu tonight. Cooking is so much fun, and what could be better than chicken with cheese and ham? Although I know that I will see if he wants to eat with me. And he will probably say yes, because who says no to a free, home-cooked meal? Oh well, for now I will just (try to) focus on my paper.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Yes, 3 Times in One Day
I am post-happy today. Mainly because I am cooped up doing work and am over thinking everything as a result.
So, he went to "help" that girl that has a boyfriend but still wants to get with him. She had to try out for a singing contest and was nervous??? I don't know. Anyways, that didn't bother me too much. I was busy working and I know that he likes the attention he gets from her. But, he knocked on my door when he got home and gave me flowers. It was sweet of him. But here's the thing... He has brought me flowers before, usually when he feels like he has done something to make me upset, and it always feels like a kind of hollow gesture. The last time he brought me flowers, I had been upset with him over the "I don't want a relationship" crap. This time it was his self-involved, "I'm there for you, but you have to tell me exactly how and when to be there for you, otherwise I will only worry about myself" crap. Either way, flowers from him tend to feel like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey, I'm not willing to fix what is really wrong, so I am going to distract you with stuff."
I don't need STUFF. I don't particularly want STUFF. I appreciate that he was thinking of me enough to do that, but I feel like he does JUST ENOUGH to keep me on the hook, but isn't willing to do what really matters. All I want from him are his time and his heart. And he doesn't get that. On Valentine's Day he asked me what I wanted (who asks that though, seriously?). He said, "Do you want flowers, chocolate, what? I want to get you something." The one, the ONLY, thing I wanted was HIM. But I didn't say that. That is the one thing he would not be willing to give me. I know, because we have had that conversation (the night before the first time he brought me flowers).
So I'm sitting here, looking at the flowers on my desk, and feeling like they actually show how little he cares about me. That he will never be willing to give me what I really need.
So, he went to "help" that girl that has a boyfriend but still wants to get with him. She had to try out for a singing contest and was nervous??? I don't know. Anyways, that didn't bother me too much. I was busy working and I know that he likes the attention he gets from her. But, he knocked on my door when he got home and gave me flowers. It was sweet of him. But here's the thing... He has brought me flowers before, usually when he feels like he has done something to make me upset, and it always feels like a kind of hollow gesture. The last time he brought me flowers, I had been upset with him over the "I don't want a relationship" crap. This time it was his self-involved, "I'm there for you, but you have to tell me exactly how and when to be there for you, otherwise I will only worry about myself" crap. Either way, flowers from him tend to feel like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey, I'm not willing to fix what is really wrong, so I am going to distract you with stuff."
I don't need STUFF. I don't particularly want STUFF. I appreciate that he was thinking of me enough to do that, but I feel like he does JUST ENOUGH to keep me on the hook, but isn't willing to do what really matters. All I want from him are his time and his heart. And he doesn't get that. On Valentine's Day he asked me what I wanted (who asks that though, seriously?). He said, "Do you want flowers, chocolate, what? I want to get you something." The one, the ONLY, thing I wanted was HIM. But I didn't say that. That is the one thing he would not be willing to give me. I know, because we have had that conversation (the night before the first time he brought me flowers).
So I'm sitting here, looking at the flowers on my desk, and feeling like they actually show how little he cares about me. That he will never be willing to give me what I really need.
Just One of Those Days
Well, I was unsuccessful in the whole "not knocking on his door" thing. Shocking. And he was supportive and listened to me stress about a paper I am writing. But somehow I still feel like crap. I feel like he only supports me when I go to him and tell him something is wrong. The rest of the time he only cares about his own shit.
I have realized that no amount of "being there for me" is going to make me feel better while we are not officially a couple. It all feels fake and forced. I guess I feel like if he really cared about me, he would be with me.
Since he doesn't want to, I feel like he is only with me because of the benefits he gets out of the situation. So why do I hang around with him if I really believe that? Well, for one thing, I don't really believe that he is just around for those things. It helps, but I think he does like being around me (when I'm not yelling at him). Also... and this is a BIG confession... I have some information on him that leads me to believe that he is just generally flakey, and it is not just me. I read an email that his ex-girlfriend sent him (the same one that is coming to visit :P) when they were together, and she complained about all of the same things. But it actually made me feel slightly better that he treated someone that he claims to have really loved the same way that he treats me.
I know, HUGE invasion of privacy. Bad. Yes, I read his emails on occasion. And sometimes his text messages too. And if he knew he would be PISSED. I do feel guilty. I just don't know if I feel guilty enough to stop.
So obviously, the situation with HIM is on my mind constantly. I am writing this instead of a really big paper, that is half of my final grade for a class. If you've ever been in this situation, I'm sure you understand. If not, consider yourself very lucky.
In happier news, a guy that I was in love with from the ages of 12-22 called me a couple nights ago, and I think that I have forgiven him (long story) and can be friends with him again. I finally don't feel anything more for him than friendship. At least I won one battle.
I have realized that no amount of "being there for me" is going to make me feel better while we are not officially a couple. It all feels fake and forced. I guess I feel like if he really cared about me, he would be with me.
Since he doesn't want to, I feel like he is only with me because of the benefits he gets out of the situation. So why do I hang around with him if I really believe that? Well, for one thing, I don't really believe that he is just around for those things. It helps, but I think he does like being around me (when I'm not yelling at him). Also... and this is a BIG confession... I have some information on him that leads me to believe that he is just generally flakey, and it is not just me. I read an email that his ex-girlfriend sent him (the same one that is coming to visit :P) when they were together, and she complained about all of the same things. But it actually made me feel slightly better that he treated someone that he claims to have really loved the same way that he treats me.
I know, HUGE invasion of privacy. Bad. Yes, I read his emails on occasion. And sometimes his text messages too. And if he knew he would be PISSED. I do feel guilty. I just don't know if I feel guilty enough to stop.
So obviously, the situation with HIM is on my mind constantly. I am writing this instead of a really big paper, that is half of my final grade for a class. If you've ever been in this situation, I'm sure you understand. If not, consider yourself very lucky.
In happier news, a guy that I was in love with from the ages of 12-22 called me a couple nights ago, and I think that I have forgiven him (long story) and can be friends with him again. I finally don't feel anything more for him than friendship. At least I won one battle.
Round and Round We Go
So I went downtown for St. Patrick's day celebration as planned yesterday. It was good to get out of the building. But of course I met up with him and another friend for a drink when I got home. Then watched a movie with him. I feel like he is very stand-off-ish with me at the moment, because of my little meltdown on Friday. He seems ever-so-slightly irritated by everything that I do. But I have a lot of work to get done today, so I am trying to focus on that. I spend way too much time caring what he thinks about me.
I know that I SHOULD just do my work, not knock on his door, and leave him be. It is healthier for me, because I know I should keep my distance. And since he seems like he does not particularly want to be around me at the moment, it is best to give him space too. The thing is--when he ignores me or acts distant, I have the strongest desire to approach him. When he is attentive, I have an easier time staying away. And it isn't that I just want what I can't have. I think it is that when something feels off, I dwell on it obsessively until I can fix it. And right now something feels off. I think my meltdowns are finally getting to him. Which I guess was the point. I just don't know if I like the consequences.
I keep thinking up excuses to go over there, but I really need to NOT knock on his door. Maybe today will be the day that I actually listen to my logical side.
I know that I SHOULD just do my work, not knock on his door, and leave him be. It is healthier for me, because I know I should keep my distance. And since he seems like he does not particularly want to be around me at the moment, it is best to give him space too. The thing is--when he ignores me or acts distant, I have the strongest desire to approach him. When he is attentive, I have an easier time staying away. And it isn't that I just want what I can't have. I think it is that when something feels off, I dwell on it obsessively until I can fix it. And right now something feels off. I think my meltdowns are finally getting to him. Which I guess was the point. I just don't know if I like the consequences.
I keep thinking up excuses to go over there, but I really need to NOT knock on his door. Maybe today will be the day that I actually listen to my logical side.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Enough
I have reached a breaking point. I can't keep everything in any longer, and I certainly can't keep having meltdowns at the guy who has pushed me to my breaking point. Maybe if I write it all here, I will stop caring. Or at least stop yelling at the guy. So here is what is irking me:
He and I have been doing the "friends with benefits" thing since Sept. Terrible idea, right? Well, of course I got attached. Told him I wanted more. But we are both in a one year graduate program, and he claimed that the fact that we will only be here for one year would make it too hard to date. He claimed he couldn't stand the thought of having me ripped away from him after the year ended. So, we stopped the friends with benefits thing for a little while because he felt guilty continuing knowing that I wanted more. The break did not last long. We were back to the same old situation within a week. The worst part is, he lives in the apartment right next door to mine. He is my closest friend here. Can't really avoid him. Lately though, I have been pushing his buttons, and I know it. I keep picking fights with him.
Aside from feeling generally hurt by the fact that he doesn't want to date me (I guess I am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to have a relationship with), some things he's been doing are pissing me off. He doesn't have a TV and I do, which means he is over here a lot to watch TV. Claims he wants to spend time with me, but I feel like he just wants to watch basketball. We eat a lot of meals together, I often cook and almost always do the dishes. I proofread his papers and he doesn't return the favor unless I place a printed copy in his hand. I listen to him when he is stressed, I rub his back to calm him down... I do a lot for him without him having to ask me, but if I want anything in return, I have to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it. Even then sometimes he looks less than happy about the request. I guess I am extraordinarily good at being a doormat.
So I yelled at him yesterday for being unreliable (he told me he would be home from the bar in 10 mins, and that I shouldn't bother meeting him for a drink. He came home about 2 hours later). Today, I yelled at him for only coming to my apartment to lay around and watch TV. I know that he is sick of my outbursts. Really they are my half-assed attempt to not put up with his shit. Even though I know the only way to stop putting up with his games is to stop hanging around with him. So long story short, I know it is my fault, I know it is my choice to let it continue... but I care about him and he is my only really close friend here. How can I give that up?
Well, right now he is out at a concert with a girl who wants to get with him and her boyfriend (long story). I helped him pick an outfit, since he wanted to "look good." So yeah, I basically dressed him so he could try to impress other girls.
If all that was not enough to make me crazy: His ex-girlfriend is coming to our school in April for a conference, and guess who offered to let her stay with him in his tiny studio apartment with a bed and no couch? Yeah, that should be fun for me.
On the up side, tomorrow I am going downtown with people who are not him for St. Patrick's day festivities. Good. Let him wonder what I am doing for once.
He and I have been doing the "friends with benefits" thing since Sept. Terrible idea, right? Well, of course I got attached. Told him I wanted more. But we are both in a one year graduate program, and he claimed that the fact that we will only be here for one year would make it too hard to date. He claimed he couldn't stand the thought of having me ripped away from him after the year ended. So, we stopped the friends with benefits thing for a little while because he felt guilty continuing knowing that I wanted more. The break did not last long. We were back to the same old situation within a week. The worst part is, he lives in the apartment right next door to mine. He is my closest friend here. Can't really avoid him. Lately though, I have been pushing his buttons, and I know it. I keep picking fights with him.
Aside from feeling generally hurt by the fact that he doesn't want to date me (I guess I am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to have a relationship with), some things he's been doing are pissing me off. He doesn't have a TV and I do, which means he is over here a lot to watch TV. Claims he wants to spend time with me, but I feel like he just wants to watch basketball. We eat a lot of meals together, I often cook and almost always do the dishes. I proofread his papers and he doesn't return the favor unless I place a printed copy in his hand. I listen to him when he is stressed, I rub his back to calm him down... I do a lot for him without him having to ask me, but if I want anything in return, I have to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it. Even then sometimes he looks less than happy about the request. I guess I am extraordinarily good at being a doormat.
So I yelled at him yesterday for being unreliable (he told me he would be home from the bar in 10 mins, and that I shouldn't bother meeting him for a drink. He came home about 2 hours later). Today, I yelled at him for only coming to my apartment to lay around and watch TV. I know that he is sick of my outbursts. Really they are my half-assed attempt to not put up with his shit. Even though I know the only way to stop putting up with his games is to stop hanging around with him. So long story short, I know it is my fault, I know it is my choice to let it continue... but I care about him and he is my only really close friend here. How can I give that up?
Well, right now he is out at a concert with a girl who wants to get with him and her boyfriend (long story). I helped him pick an outfit, since he wanted to "look good." So yeah, I basically dressed him so he could try to impress other girls.
If all that was not enough to make me crazy: His ex-girlfriend is coming to our school in April for a conference, and guess who offered to let her stay with him in his tiny studio apartment with a bed and no couch? Yeah, that should be fun for me.
On the up side, tomorrow I am going downtown with people who are not him for St. Patrick's day festivities. Good. Let him wonder what I am doing for once.
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