Cry Me A River

So, last night I just started crying when he was over here watching TV with me. Part of it was, undoubtedly, hormonal... almost that time of the month. But most of it was the same old shit building up. Here's what triggered it:

So after spending the whole first half of my day bouncing his paper ideas with him, I went to the grocery store because I wanted to cook dinner. I asked if he wanted to eat with me, and he enthusiastically accepted. So I bought the food, cooked the meal, and we ate it. I did the dishes. Of course. If I had asked him to help, he would have, but I knew that he had been working on his paper all day, so I did them alone. He came back later to watch more TV, and ate a lot of the dinner leftovers. So basically, ate more of my food (I know I invited him for dinner, but I still bought all the food and would like some of the leftovers), and dirtied more dishes. Didn't wash those either. I thought about all the food I've bought recently, and realize that I have been feeding both of us most of the time. I am buying/cooking for two, he is buying/cooking for none.

Next thing--he took complete control of the TV, and proceeded to tune out pretty much anything I said (everything I said was answered with "huh?"). THEN he asked me for a back rub. And I know he has been stressed, so I did it--but with the nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was being walked all over. As an unintended side effect, all the rubbing put me in the mood, so I tried to initiate something and got, "I'm too tired," which although I am fine with in that I wouldn't want him to do anything he didn't want to, I still felt rejected. And slightly annoyed. Because it is always WHAT he wants, WHEN he wants.

So after that, we were just laying there watching TV and I thought about ALLLL of the things that I do for him, and ALLLL of the things that he doesn't do in return, and the waterworks started. And to make it worse, he turned and told me how much he appreciates everything that I do for him, and that he thinks I am beautiful and really was just tired, and that I am his "best friend." Super. I said nothing before or after. Because I get these words from him all the time. ACTIONS. Actions speak louder than words. I want him to cook me a meal, or if that is too much work, take me out to dinner. Or just do the dishes. Or SOMETHING. But please, no more flowers. I want something more meaningful than flowers. I want him to take time out of his "busy" schedule and do something nice for me.

And to make things worse, here are a few of the insensitive things that have come out of his mouth lately:

"That's why I love you"
"Did your other boyfriends...?"
"...because you love me."
"If we ever lived together..."
[after discussing hypothetical rockstar lifestyle]: "Would you date me and support me while I got it off the ground?"

Now see, there are no "I love you"'s between us (even though I DO love him), we are not "boyfriend and girlfriend," and strictly speaking, we are not even dating. So he needs to watch his trap. All of these comments sting. It reminds me constantly of what we AREN'T. And reminds me how I constantly feel that I don't mean enough to him to be more to him than what we are now. And THAT is what ALL of this comes down to. Feeling like I mean nothing to him. Where's the proof? I want him to show me that he cares. And I DON'T want to ask him to cook me dinner or take me to dinner or anything. Because then he is just doing it because I asked. I want him to do it on his own. I will probably be waiting for that for a very long time.