Just One of Those Days

Well, I was unsuccessful in the whole "not knocking on his door" thing. Shocking. And he was supportive and listened to me stress about a paper I am writing. But somehow I still feel like crap. I feel like he only supports me when I go to him and tell him something is wrong. The rest of the time he only cares about his own shit.

I have realized that no amount of "being there for me" is going to make me feel better while we are not officially a couple. It all feels fake and forced. I guess I feel like if he really cared about me, he would be with me.

Since he doesn't want to, I feel like he is only with me because of the benefits he gets out of the situation. So why do I hang around with him if I really believe that? Well, for one thing, I don't really believe that he is just around for those things. It helps, but I think he does like being around me (when I'm not yelling at him). Also... and this is a BIG confession... I have some information on him that leads me to believe that he is just generally flakey, and it is not just me. I read an email that his ex-girlfriend sent him (the same one that is coming to visit :P) when they were together, and she complained about all of the same things. But it actually made me feel slightly better that he treated someone that he claims to have really loved the same way that he treats me.

I know, HUGE invasion of privacy. Bad. Yes, I read his emails on occasion. And sometimes his text messages too. And if he knew he would be PISSED. I do feel guilty. I just don't know if I feel guilty enough to stop.

So obviously, the situation with HIM is on my mind constantly. I am writing this instead of a really big paper, that is half of my final grade for a class. If you've ever been in this situation, I'm sure you understand. If not, consider yourself very lucky.

In happier news, a guy that I was in love with from the ages of 12-22 called me a couple nights ago, and I think that I have forgiven him (long story) and can be friends with him again. I finally don't feel anything more for him than friendship. At least I won one battle.