Yes, 3 Times in One Day

I am post-happy today. Mainly because I am cooped up doing work and am over thinking everything as a result.

So, he went to "help" that girl that has a boyfriend but still wants to get with him. She had to try out for a singing contest and was nervous??? I don't know. Anyways, that didn't bother me too much. I was busy working and I know that he likes the attention he gets from her. But, he knocked on my door when he got home and gave me flowers. It was sweet of him. But here's the thing... He has brought me flowers before, usually when he feels like he has done something to make me upset, and it always feels like a kind of hollow gesture. The last time he brought me flowers, I had been upset with him over the "I don't want a relationship" crap. This time it was his self-involved, "I'm there for you, but you have to tell me exactly how and when to be there for you, otherwise I will only worry about myself" crap. Either way, flowers from him tend to feel like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey, I'm not willing to fix what is really wrong, so I am going to distract you with stuff."

I don't need STUFF. I don't particularly want STUFF. I appreciate that he was thinking of me enough to do that, but I feel like he does JUST ENOUGH to keep me on the hook, but isn't willing to do what really matters. All I want from him are his time and his heart. And he doesn't get that. On Valentine's Day he asked me what I wanted (who asks that though, seriously?). He said, "Do you want flowers, chocolate, what? I want to get you something." The one, the ONLY, thing I wanted was HIM. But I didn't say that. That is the one thing he would not be willing to give me. I know, because we have had that conversation (the night before the first time he brought me flowers).

So I'm sitting here, looking at the flowers on my desk, and feeling like they actually show how little he cares about me. That he will never be willing to give me what I really need.