Enough

I have reached a breaking point. I can't keep everything in any longer, and I certainly can't keep having meltdowns at the guy who has pushed me to my breaking point. Maybe if I write it all here, I will stop caring. Or at least stop yelling at the guy. So here is what is irking me:

He and I have been doing the "friends with benefits" thing since Sept. Terrible idea, right? Well, of course I got attached. Told him I wanted more. But we are both in a one year graduate program, and he claimed that the fact that we will only be here for one year would make it too hard to date. He claimed he couldn't stand the thought of having me ripped away from him after the year ended. So, we stopped the friends with benefits thing for a little while because he felt guilty continuing knowing that I wanted more. The break did not last long. We were back to the same old situation within a week. The worst part is, he lives in the apartment right next door to mine. He is my closest friend here. Can't really avoid him. Lately though, I have been pushing his buttons, and I know it. I keep picking fights with him.

Aside from feeling generally hurt by the fact that he doesn't want to date me (I guess I am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to have a relationship with), some things he's been doing are pissing me off. He doesn't have a TV and I do, which means he is over here a lot to watch TV. Claims he wants to spend time with me, but I feel like he just wants to watch basketball. We eat a lot of meals together, I often cook and almost always do the dishes. I proofread his papers and he doesn't return the favor unless I place a printed copy in his hand. I listen to him when he is stressed, I rub his back to calm him down... I do a lot for him without him having to ask me, but if I want anything in return, I have to tell him exactly what to do and when to do it. Even then sometimes he looks less than happy about the request. I guess I am extraordinarily good at being a doormat.

So I yelled at him yesterday for being unreliable (he told me he would be home from the bar in 10 mins, and that I shouldn't bother meeting him for a drink. He came home about 2 hours later). Today, I yelled at him for only coming to my apartment to lay around and watch TV. I know that he is sick of my outbursts. Really they are my half-assed attempt to not put up with his shit. Even though I know the only way to stop putting up with his games is to stop hanging around with him. So long story short, I know it is my fault, I know it is my choice to let it continue... but I care about him and he is my only really close friend here. How can I give that up?

Well, right now he is out at a concert with a girl who wants to get with him and her boyfriend (long story). I helped him pick an outfit, since he wanted to "look good." So yeah, I basically dressed him so he could try to impress other girls.

If all that was not enough to make me crazy: His ex-girlfriend is coming to our school in April for a conference, and guess who offered to let her stay with him in his tiny studio apartment with a bed and no couch? Yeah, that should be fun for me.

On the up side, tomorrow I am going downtown with people who are not him for St. Patrick's day festivities. Good. Let him wonder what I am doing for once.