Forgiveness

I got to thinking today about forgiveness. I guess it was related to HIM. I have been feeling okay over the past couple days, and it occurred to me today that I may have actually forgiven him for not choosing me. I am not over him. Of course not. But I don't feel any of the animosity toward him that I did during our last week together. It is like I couldn't forgive him until it was really over. Now that I am home, the anger has melted away.

The moment that really made me realize that the anger was gone was during lunch today. My grandmother came down to visit and while we were sitting and eating this conversation happened:

Grandmother: So, how is your beau?
Me: He isn't my beau.
G: Well, okay, how is your friend? Are you going to keep in touch with him?
Me: Yes, of course I'm going to keep in touch with him.
G: Because you didn't keep in touch with M. I liked M.
Me: I know, but that was different.
G: I am just being nosey. That is a grandmother's job.
Dad: Good, keep being nosey, because she doesn't tell us anything.
Me: What? What do you want to know? (directed toward G:) And ____ is doing fine. He walked at graduation and is finishing moving out.
Dad: Yes, he was actually a very nice young man. And his family was nice too. (To me:) And we would have approved you know.
G: Oh, well, that must mean he is "the one." Your Dad approves.
Me: (sarcastic) Oh, okay, well in that case I will call him up and tell him to call off his plans in South Dakota to come be with me.

Normally, that conversation would have driven me insane. Just another reminder that I wanted to be with him and he didn't want to be with me. I got my Dad's approval, and it couldn't have meant less. I had his parents' approval, and it didn't matter. Everything could have worked out, and he still didn't want to be with me. But strangely, I didn't find myself feeling angry, or on the verge of tears, or anything. I felt calm. I felt at peace. I felt like I was finally done being mad at him. My anger was really only hurting me. I don't know why it went away. I think after days--hell, even weeks and months--of being angry with him about all of this, I have finally forgiven him.

Tonight, I watched Into the Wild for the second time. One line in it really resonated with me this time around: "To forgive is to love." I know it is just a movie, but it is true, isn't it? I can't stay mad at someone I love. It seemed like the perfect line to explain the day I'd been having.

Case in point: D called me tonight. Although I no longer have romantic feelings for him, I will always love him, and even after that whole mess last summer I couldn't stay mad at him. When he finally got back in contact with me, I spent about two minutes being mad, and then forgave him. The forgiveness was absolute. I still don't harbor any resentment about that whole situation. There is no point in carrying around anger, and I couldn't even if I tried.

It actually felt really good to talk to him. I think he called at the perfect time. I needed to open myself up to someone, and I have never really had that type of relationship with my parents. He was unhappy to hear about my job interview in Montana ("Damn--I hoped you would stay near here"). It was nice to feel wanted. Not that I think he meant it like that. It is just nice that someone wants to be around me. I also realized tonight for the first time that D and I have always gotten along so well because we are essentially the same person. He is pretty damn close to a male version of me. We think the same way and we are able to speak very openly with each other about anything. I don't think there is anything I would be afraid to tell him. We also butt heads a lot, but he is a good intellectual sparring partner. Maybe we think so much alike because we have known each other for over ten years now. We talked to each other almost constantly through our formative teenage years. Our minds grew together. Or maybe it is just a coincidence. In any case, it is nice to feel understood and heard. So, I will probably get together with D sometime soon.

Tomorrow night, my parents are taking me out to a nice dinner to celebrate my graduation. Part of me wants to call HIM--just to hear his voice--but I know better than to fall into that trap. It will just make me backslide emotionally. He called me yesterday afternoon and we talked for a few minutes. It didn't shake me up too badly. I think the physical distance is helping a lot. I would rather not know what he is doing, or anything. So far my dreams have also stayed in check. I am terrified of dreaming about him, or of waking up in the middle of the night expecting to find him next to me only to realize that he is not in bed with me and never will be again. I have been lucky. I have been sleeping soundly. The real test will come on Tuesday, when my parents will be back at work and I will have to spend the whole day alone with nothing but my thoughts. I will just have to keep busy.

Overall, I am doing okay. Better than I thought I would. That doesn't mean I might not fall into an emotional downswing at some point, but for now I am doing well. I haven't cried since I left to come home. I haven't even felt the need to. Maybe I just needed to forgive him to find some emotional stability. It hurts like hell to be angry at someone you love. I guess in some ways the anger was a security blanket. I think I felt like if I didn't feel angry I would just feel devastated and deeply sad. Instead, I just feel relieved to not be carrying all of that nastiness around. I can finally rest and relax rather than constantly struggling, fighting, and meeting with frustration. The love I have for him hasn't changed or diminished--I can just finally see it clearly and enjoy the good feelings that come with being in love, rather than dwelling on the bad.