Anticipation

It is amazing how much better I feel during the day than at night. At night I feel so emotional, and then when the morning comes I feel a lot better. Why does that happen? I feel like that has always been the case for me. The old, "You'll feel better in the morning" almost always seems to hold true for me. Nothing particularly bad happened last night--just the normal feelings of sadness and dread--but I was still surprised to wake up this morning feeling perky and relatively happy. I can't really pinpoint the time in the day that my mood starts to slip. Maybe when it gets dark out. It is strange, but I have always been that way.

I did a lot of packing and cleaning yesterday, and I plan to do another round of it today. At 3:00, I agreed to meet with a friend of an acquaintance from college who is thinking about coming to the program I just finished. She seems really nice, and just wants some advice and information on the program. I think he is going to come with me, because his perspective will be helpful to her too. Aside from that, I just need to do more packing and cleaning, and get ready for my phone interview. I am still pretty nervous, and I keep getting conflicting advice on how to handle the interview. For instance, the job requires travel. HE said that I should ask if the company covers travel expenses, but my Mom said that I shouldn't ask that yet. He thinks I should ask about typical work hours, and my Mom doesn't. Since my Mom has more life experience than him, I will take her advice in most cases, but I don't see the harm in asking about hours, so I will do that. In general, I am just much better in person than on the phone. My phone also tends to drop a lot of calls, so that makes me nervous too. I guess I should stop worrying. I will just do everything I can today to prepare for it.

I think that I am a bit numb to the whole situation with him right now. I feel like my self-protection mode has kicked in. I have plenty to distract me, between packing, and cleaning, and the job interview, and I think I am getting better at pushing the whole thing to the back of my mind. The only thing that worries me is the fact that his parents are coming here on Wednesday to help him with packing, and my Dad will get here Tuesday morning. I am worried about the overlap. My parents don't know anything about my situation with him (besides the fact that we are "neighbors and friends"), and his parents know pretty much everything. I am afraid that they will accidentally spill the beans. HE asked if my Dad and I would want to have dinner with him and his parents (I guess on Wednesday night). It just seems like a bad idea.

I really can't believe that the end is almost here. The year flew by. I guess if I had it to do again, I would. It isn't ending the way I wanted it to, but I think it was worth it anyways. I really do love him more than I have ever loved anybody. I am afraid that I might never find that again. What if this is it for me? How many times to people get to fall in love? This is two for me. How many more do I get?

I guess I shouldn't think about that. What I really need is to be single for a good amount of time. I haven't been truly single since the period between T and M, and that was awhile ago now. I just need to focus on me. I really hope that I get this job in Montana. It would be a fresh start. I could get a nice little apartment or house, maybe a cat, and just settle in--far away from anywhere I've been before. I just feel like every place I've lived before is haunted. Do you know what I mean? Back home, with my parents, there are memories of D, A, my best friend from high school, E, and many other things that happened between the ages of 4 and 18. In the town where I went to college, there are memories of T, and M, and friends that I may never see again. Here, in this city, I can't go anywhere without finding something that reminds me of HIM. That is honestly the main reason that I can't imagine staying here. He is everywhere. The only logical option for me is to go somewhere new. I know that I could stay here or go to the other "haunted" places and be okay, but why should I do that if I don't have to? Why not make life a little easier for myself?

I guess I just have to hang in there a little longer. I know that I will feel worse right after I say goodbye to him for the last time, but I also know that feeling worse is a necessary step in feeling better. The worst of it will hit me between this Tuesday morning when my Dad gets here and the week or two that follows. After that, I will start to heal. I will be okay. I just need to get through the worst of it. The anticipation is still killing me. But I know I will be okay.