Boxes and Planes

I really need to get going on this packing thing. My Dad wants me to go buy shipping boxes and have a lot of my apartment packed before he gets here. My apartment also needs some serious cleaning. It doesn't look so bad at first glance, but a lot of things have migrated under the bed, or into the back of the closet, etc. I am trying to pump up some motivation to get it done.

He and I were talking about going to see an air show downtown today, but considering that he is still sleeping and the show starts at 3:00, I don't think that is going to happen. I actually don't mind. I am starting to really feel the pressure to start packing, and I think I should work on that today rather than going downtown.

I guess I have been feeling a little better these past two days. This is going to sound bad, but I think I am feeling better because he seems to be feeling worse. He has actually spontaneously shed a few tears about this situation. He has told me that he is sad, and scared for the end to come. It is much easier knowing that I am not the only one who feels something. The other, more unhealthy reason that I have been feeling better is that I have somehow convinced myself that maybe there is still a little chance that this "relationship" doesn't have to end. I will explain myself:

I have not heard anything on the job front in the past week or so. He has gotten a job offer from one company based in South Dakota, he might get a job offer for Georgia, and who knows where else. Basically, he is getting a lot of bites. Since I am not hearing anything, and he might already know where he is going to be next year, the thought has crossed my mind of suggesting that I go with him wherever he goes and find a random job there. I know it is a little crazy. I jokingly (very jokingly) brought it up last night. I have been wanting to talk about it for the last couple days, but the time hasn't felt right.

A couple years ago, I would have looked at a suggestion like that as absolutely crazy. I would have said, "You should never structure your life around a guy." But I feel like I am allowed to take that chance right now. I know that it might not work out. I am not deluding myself to think that we necessarily be together forever. It is possible, but I know that it could very well not work out. I am just talking about TRYING. About giving this a chance. Am I crazy?

I know that he probably won't go for the idea. When I joked about it last night, he quipped back, "You would HATE South Dakota." I don't think he will like the idea of me going wherever he goes and giving up possible jobs in my field to just work anywhere to get by. I know he won't like that. But maybe he will listen to my reasoning. I am only 23. I have a lot of time to find a job that I love. Right now, I want to be near him. I am willing to spend a year working just to make money. As for what my parents would think.... well, they would definitely be confused, since I have insisted up and down that he and I are not dating. But, as my father told me, I am an adult and it is my life now. I can make whatever decisions I have to make to be happy. This would DEFINITELY mark the first time I had ever turned my life upside down for a guy. This is the first time I have really wanted to.

God, I wish R had called me when she said she would (about 2 weeks ago). I feel like an outsider's perspective would be valuable in this situation. She is the only one who knows enough about the situation to give me an opinion--although I haven't talked to her about it since... March or April? So she doesn't really know much about the situation at all anymore, but she still knows more than anyone else in my life.

I don't know what I should do. Should I bring it up to him, or am I just being insane? Am I being completely unreasonable because I am blinded by my feelings for him? Should I just let the end be the end and move on? Would it be crazy to move with him? No matter what, I will be going home with my parents for at least a week or two after I move out of here. Maybe I could tell him that we can take that time to think about it. But first I need to figure out how to have a serious conversation with him about this. I think that I am afraid to bring it up, because if he says "no," then that is the end of all hope. Time is running out. I have ten days before my Dad gets here. TEN. Wow. I have to broach this topic soon. That way, at least I won't leave feeling like I didn't try. Even if he says "no," I think I have to try.

What should I do? I don't know. Should I try? Am I crazy to try?