Sinking

I just went to turn in my last rent check, and I almost started crying on the way to the real estate office.

This job in my little rural college town looks like it is going to work out. It is a fantastic job, but I am so afraid to be back in that town. It would be okay this year and next year while R is still there, but after that, I won't have anyone. No one stays in that town after graduation (from college, law school, or the military academy next door). The longest anyone really stays there is four years. I don't know how long I will be there if I get this job.

But it is not the job that almost made me cry. It was him. My heart is so heavy. Now that my thesis is done, I can REALLY see how little time him and I have left. Every morning when I wake up, I can't help but think that another day is gone and we are that much closer to the end. It hurts.

It is not like the pain of a loved one dying. Of course not. That pain is all-consuming, suffocating, and inescapable. When I think about that kind of pain, I know that I could be worse off. I should be grateful that this is the worst thing going on in my life. I should be grateful that it is not THAT kind of pain. This is a pain that I can live with. This is a pain that I DO live with. It doesn't stop me from eating, sleeping, laughing, or meeting deadlines. But it is always there.

I have had to leave people behind before. When I left for college, when I graduated college and came here... I left people that were important to me behind every time. The difference for me, is that this is the first time that I feel like I really have the option of NOT leaving someone behind. When I went to college, I knew that I had to go. I knew that I was too young to make decisions based on a guy (D at that point). When I graduated college, I knew that I had to come here because it would help me in the future, and I knew that I had to leave M behind because I didn't really love him. This time, I feel like it is strictly voluntary. I have graduated college, and now I have finished all my work for a Master's degree. The next obvious step is to get a job in the field that I have been studying for the past five years. But I don't HAVE to. I am finally old enough and independent enough to decide that something else is more important than the logical next step. I could give up the job for HIM.

Of course, the big obstacle to that is the fact that he won't let me. I can understand why. For one thing, the type of work I am looking for is hard to come by. It is not like I could just move wherever he goes and expect to find a job in my field. I wouldn't be able to. I would have to get some random job that has nothing to do with my education. I think he is partly afraid that if he let me do that it would either lead to resentment down the road, or, if things didn't work out between us, he would feel like he had ruined my life (or let me ruin my own life).

It is just so hard to stare the end of this in the face and realize that it doesn't HAVE to be the end. That we are both old enough to decide to make this work if we wanted to. We are not teenagers. He is 25 and I am 23. We are adults, and we have complete control over our futures.

Every day I feel this rolling pain in my gut. I think about the last night we will sleep in the same bed, the last movie we will watch together, the last time we will eat a meal together, the last time I will hold his hand. I think about the date on the calendar and how, no matter what, we will both be out of these apartments before August 31. Almost definitely sooner. I can't stand to sit here and watch it all slip away. I wish I could fight it.

I am not afraid of being alone. I don't believe in soul mates--or at least not in the concept of only ONE perfect person for everyone. I have loved before, and I will love again. That is not the problem. The problem is that right now I love HIM, and I cannot stand the idea of voluntarily giving that up for a JOB. At the end of my life, I am not going to sit on my death bed and think about all of the days I spent at work, or in classes--I know that what will matter will be the people, the love, the moments between work. That is what will matter most to me, and that is what matters most to me now. The other night, he turned to me and said, "I think that maybe heaven is just reliving every great moment in your life over and over again." So far, none of my great moments have had to do with work or school. They have had to do with times with friends, family, and loved ones.

I am sick of doing what is rational. I am sick of being responsible. I am sick of sticking to a planned course. I don't want that. If it was just my choice, I would give up the jobs for him. But, since it is his choice too, I really have no choice. I wish I could be angry at him for it. But I can't.

I just don't know what to do. I am trying so hard to enjoy every moment, but it feels so tainted by the fear, the dread, and the inevitability of loss.

I just need to be strong. I am lucky to have met him. I am lucky to be alive and well. I am lucky for everything that I have had the opportunity to do in my life. I am lucky for the people I have known. I am lucky to have a loving and supportive family. I am lucky that I am not grieving something worse than this. I am lucky to have been in love--twice. Sometimes it is just so hard to remember all the reasons I am lucky. I guess sometimes I just need to let all the negative things out to get back to the positive.