Distractions

I am in a state on constant exhaustion lately, which I really have to get over considering that I have to wake up early starting on Monday. Monday morning I have the interview, then after that I will be waking up early to pack with my Dad. I have to admit that I am starting to really want this job. I like the company (from what I can see on their website), and the location is starting to sound more and more appealing.

It is in Montana. Now, I know the initial reaction might be--"Really? Montana? You are excited about Montana?"... but I have legitimate reasons. Okay, well I may as well just come out with it all. The company is in Missoula, Montana. Although I have never been there, my brother actually worked there off and on for a year (his job required travel 90% of the time) and he absolutely loved the city. My brother called me yesterday to gush about Missoula. I was pretty surprised, since my brother is a big city kind of guy through and through. He hates the suburbs. He hates the country. He only likes living in the biggest cities he can find. Although Missoula is the second biggest city in Montana, it is tiny compared to the places my brother usually chooses. But for some reason, he just simply adores it. He said it is the only non-big city he would ever consider moving to. He said, "It has a small-town feel, but has plenty to do and see." Also, from what I have looked at online it is an absolutely gorgeous area with a lot of outdoorsy activities. So, it really does sound like the best of both worlds--city meets country. I don't think that my Mom is too thrilled by the possibility of me ending up there, since I grew up in the northeast, and that move would put me approximately 2,500 miles from home (seriously), although it is only about 1,500 miles from where I am now. She will support me if that is what I choose though. I kind of like the idea of going somewhere completely new. I don't want to get my hopes up, so I am trying to constantly remind myself that it is just a phone interview, but I am starting to really want this job.

This job stuff is really distracting me from the situation with him, which is great. When I do think about our pending separation, my dominant thought is, I just want to get this over with. I really can't take the anticipation (or maybe "dread" is more accurate) anymore. This is a terrible analogy, but I think it would be kind of how I would feel if I was the potential victim in a slasher flick. At some point, I think I would just want to walk up to the killer and say, "here I am," so I wouldn't have to run and worry about getting caught anymore.

Just a few days until my Dad gets here. My cable and internet will be turned off on Monday. I won't get home until late Thursday night. So I guess I won't be able to write for a few days, which will be tough since this really does provide a much-needed release for me.

Today, I have to pack more and start in on the cleaning. My apartment is small, but things like the oven are pretty dirty. Having two people basically living in a studio apartment definitely takes its toll. We also have to untangle all of our STUFF. He has a lot of my dishes/clothes/towels, and I have a lot of his. Today we need to do the swapping-of-stuff. I also have to Daddy-proof my room--you know, discretely pack the things that I do not want him to find, like birth control and certain pairs of underwear. I know I am 23 years old, but he is still my Dad and doesn't need to know certain things.

So, I guess I am more upbeat than I have been. It is partly because of the job, and I think partly because I know that I don't have a choice. I have kind of been clinging to that cliche: "If you love somebody, let him go." And I do love him, so I need to respect what he wants and needs. I would never want someone to be with me only because they felt obligated. It will still hurt like hell when the separation actually happens. I know that there will be a lot of tears and a lot of anguish--for both of us--but I know I can get through it. I know that it will probably not be the last time that I will have my heart broken. It will definitely not be the first. I guess it is just a test of strength. Another chance to learn and to show myself that I can get through all sorts of things. Obviously, I would have preferred things to turn out differently, but they didn't, and now I just have to get through it.

I will finish the story of HIM, but I am not sure when. I don't get a lot of time alone to write, since he is here most of the time these days, and I don't want him to read any of this. So, maybe in the next couple days, or maybe after I am home. I need to finish it for myself and it would be easiest to write it now while I still know that he is close by, but it looks like I might have to write it after I've said goodbye to him. It will be hard, but therapeutic I suppose.

For now, I guess I need to get back to packing and start in on the cleaning. The more I get done now, the easier it will be when my Dad gets here.