Last Hand Played

Well, I brought it up. He said, "I'm just not ready for that type of commitment at this point in my life." I basically told him that it must be because he does not want ME. He said that it wasn't about him not caring enough about me. I asked him how he feels about me. He said, "I care about you a lot." I said, "Do you love me?" He said, "Yes, you could say that. That is why I get upset when I think about the year ending." And on and on it went.

Basically, he just keeps saying that he cares about me a lot and will miss me a lot, but it is not the right time in his life to make that much of a commitment. My take on the situation is that I am just not the right girl for him. That is all I want him to say. I told him that is what I think, and he said, "I will not tell you that because it isn't true." So, I am left not really understanding his reasoning. I guess I don't have to understand. He is just going to keep repeating the same things, and I am going to continue to believe that he is holding back the real reasons. I would rather him be harsh. I would rather him say, "I don't love you. You are not someone that I want to take a chance with. I enjoyed our time together, and I will miss you, but I don't have any desire to try to make it work because you are not the person for me." Why can't he just say that? I really believe that it's true. THAT reason I could understand. What he says just makes no sense to me. You either love a person enough to make it work, or you don't. I don't see a gray area. Am I missing something?

I guess my confusion doesn't really matter. I have my answer. He doesn't want to try anything to make this work. In ten days we are over. In ten days we are just parts of each others' pasts. We are people that we will tell future significant others about when talking about past relationships. When this slow, agonizing end is finally over, he will just be a series of memories, which will probably become harder and harder to call into my mind as time passes.

At least I tried. I can't do anything about the fact that he wants something different than what I want. I took a chance. I laid it all out there. I don't know how to enjoy this next ten days now. I don't know how to be around him without feeling angry. I know that it is not fair to be angry at him for this. He is just being true to himself and doing what he needs to do to be happy. Deep down, I do respect that. It is just so hard to put my emotions aside and accept it. But now I really have no choice. I can't ignore the end--it is only ten days away, and I can't hold on to any hope because today I lost all of it.

I packed two big boxes today. I cried the whole time. I just feel angry. That is all I can manage to feel right now. I feel like he doesn't have the right to feel sad. I am angry that he has shed tears over this. I am being completely irrational, I am being completely unfair, and I am being completely selfish. But right now, I can't manage to talk sense into myself. A small part of me want to go over to his apartment and hug him and cry and tell him that I am not angry, that I respect what he needs, that I can take this gracefully--but that part is overpowered by raw emotion right now. By the desire to scream at him, and cry, and rant, and say mean, spiteful things just to hurt him. But that would only make me feel worse. I just need to keep to myself for the time being. Maybe just for a few hours. I am still determined to make the most of these final ten days, but first I need to find a way to get past my anger, frustration, and sadness.

How do I do this? How do I accept this? How do get past these feelings of anger? I don't have the luxury of fuming alone right now. There is just no time for that. I need to get myself together NOW. I can be stronger than this.

I am not a religious person (as I've mentioned before), but the serenity prayer keeps running through my head: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Except, I almost feel like it should say, "courage to accept the things I cannot change." I think I need courage more than serenity. I need the courage to let go, when it is the very last thing in the world I want to do. I need the courage to enjoy these last ten days, knowing that they really are the LAST ten days. I am strong. I have been through enough hard times to know that I have inner strength. It is just hard to accept that I can't change the situation. Maybe I need courage, serenity, AND wisdom. I am smart enough to give up. I am brave enough to get through this. I just need to add a little serenity to the mix and I will be fine. I just need to calm down.