Up And Down

I am going through moods in waves. I will feel fine for a little while, and then I will snap at him about almost anything I can find to snap about. Sometimes I am perfectly able to "live in the moment" and enjoy the time we have, and other times I am thinking about next week--the last night he and I will spend together, the moment my Dad arrives, getting on the plane to leave here. When I hit those moments, devastation washes over me. It sounds overly dramatic, but that really is how it feels. I feel like a piece of me is being ripped away.

I think that the hardest time is actually going to be the three days that my Dad is here helping me pack. My Dad is sleeping on my floor to save on the cost of a hotel. That means next Sunday night is the last night that HE will be sleeping here. I probably won't see much of him on those three days that my Dad is here, but I will know that he is right next door. Next Sunday is really "goodbye" for me and him. After that it will never be the same again.

I know that it will hurt him too. I really do believe him when he says that. But I still can't help being angry at him for letting this go. I keep feeling like I am being thrown away. I can already feel a big hole opening up inside me. I feel broken. I don't want to go home with my parents. I want to be alone. I want to go somewhere by myself. I can't allow myself to feel everything I need to feel when they are around me. I guess as soon as I get home I will have to start looking for places to live. I will go visit my brother and maybe find a place near him.

I feel myself sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I know that I will be okay. I will be fine. I just need to go through all of the emotions. There is no easy way through this. I need to let myself feel broken. I shouldn't fight it.

I guess I need to pack more today and try not to think about things.