It's All Over

Well, I am home, sitting in the bedroom where I spent the majority of my angsty teenage years. I am feeling fine right now, but the last few days have been incredibly hard. At the moment, I am kind of glad that the bandaid has finally just been ripped off. The slow goodbye was really the worst thing. Of course, I still want to talk to him and see him--but for now I will just work on focusing where I am.

The last time we were really alone together was Wednesday night. My Dad had gone to sleep and I went over to his apartment to spend time with him. We laid on his bed and I tried not to cry. I knew that it was my last chance to tell him anything that I wanted to tell him face to face. The only thing I wanted to say was the sentence that had been behind everything I'd actually said for the last 8 months. The sentence that I'd only let out once. I said, "I love you. I really do. You know that right?" He nodded and said, "I love you too and I'm sorry."

So there it is. I may never understand what is driving this whole separation. His parents came before my Dad and I left. I still get along great with them, my Dad liked them, my Dad liked him, he liked my Dad. It just seems so perfect. But the time has come to just let him go. I cried yesterday--in front of my Dad, which was what I was trying to avoid, but for the most part I held it together.

Right before I lost my internet a few days ago, I got an email from the Missoula company. They are flying me in for an in-person interview. I guess I didn't do as badly in the phone interview as I thought I did. I am flying there September 10, and flying back here on September 12. I guess it is a little too early to be really nervous about it, but I am. I can't help but feel nervous. I also can't help but think about the fact that Montana is near South Dakota, where he will be. Of course, he will be about a 9 hour drive from me--but still relatively close. In any case, it is just an interview, so I should worry about actually getting the job before I start planning trips to visit him.

I shouldn't be thinking about him anyways. I know that it is much easier said than done, but the best thing I can do is distract myself and put him out of my head. He chose to let me go. He didn't want to be with me. Those things should be enough to make me not dwell on him. But unfortunately, as much as I cannot understand why he wanted what he wanted, I believed him when he said he loved me. Maybe it's because I wanted to believe him. But it was also apparent in the way he looked at me, touched me, talked to me... I guess it is a moot point. I have no choice but to move forward now.

I will probably call D, and the few other people from high school who I am still in touch with. Not today, but soon. I need to keep busy while I am here. My Mom was asleep when we got home last night, so once she gets home from work today I will have to go through the whole gamut of questions with her. Tomorrow I get my hair cut. That always makes me happy. I haven't had it cut in months and it is looking very ratty. My grandmother is also driving down to visit. So tomorrow will be a busy day.

Night time is the worst. I will just bury myself in TV and novels. I am actually reading a pretty good book right now. I had started it weeks ago, but put it down for awhile during all the packing and saying goodbye. It is called Second Glance--it is about a paranormal investigator who lost his wife in a car accident, a Native American land rights case, and more generally, just about death, ghosts, suicide, and suffering. It is not as depressing as it sounds. It is slightly predictable at times, but it was an effective distraction last night and on the plane. It is a pretty quick read though, so I will have to line another up for when I am finished.

So, I guess long story short--I am surviving. Of course, I knew that I would survive. The big test will be how well I can keep it together in the next few weeks. He told me to call him when I got home last night, but then did not answer the phone. I left a message, but decided that I will not be calling him again for awhile. Distance is best.

My Dad stayed home from work today, so I am delaying leaving my bedroom. I feel like being alone at the moment, and he will just start reminding me of all the little things I have to do (student load related, and other phone calls I have to make). But if there is anything I've learned from this past week, it is that you can't hold off the inevitable. I will have to leave my room. I will have to deal with my loans. I will have to handle a long line of questioning from my Mom. I will have to keep living my life like I normally would, and I will have to do it without crumbling. I feel kind of hollow at the moment. I feel empty. But I have to keep it together.