Time Is Not On My Side

I can't believe it is already August 9. Where has the time gone? My parents need to know this weekend when I want to move out, when of course the truth is that I DON'T want to move out. I think he is staying right up to the end of the month because he has decided to walk at graduation. I don't really enjoy graduation ceremonies and chose not to walk. So, I guess I will tell my parents to come at the last possible moment. I can't give up a single day with him. Even now, I feel the time just slipping away. Every time I hug him or hold on to him I think about how it will feel when I can't do that anymore. I try to memorize the way it feels. Those are moments I will never get back.

I suppose I am being a little overly dramatic. But I am just explaining it how I feel it. Even now, glancing over at my bed where he is still asleep--I know it is going to hurt when some time in September or October or any time after I leave here, I glance over to my bed expecting to see him and just see empty space. How will I fill the void that losing him will leave in my life? How will I do anything now without thinking of him--after all, we do almost EVERYTHING together these days.

I know he is worried too. We have so much unspoken fear and sadness bouncing around in the room whenever we are together. Last night he let a little of it out and said, "I'm afraid of losing you." I didn't know what to say. That is something that people say when they are in a relationship that the are afraid might end. But we KNOW this is going to end. I can't say, "You won't lose me," because, inevitably, he will.

Things with this job in my college town are moving forward slowly. It might still happen. I almost WANT it to fall through though. I don't know why, but I feel like this job would be the end for me and him. Of course, that is ridiculous, since we are going to end whether or not I get this job. I think a part of me still holds on to the idea of going with him wherever he goes. I would still do that. The craziest part of that would be the fact that my parents have no idea that he and I are in a pseudo-relationship. I didn't know how to explain it to them, so I just always insist that he is just my best friend here who happens to be male. Can you imagine how confused they would be if I said I wanted to follow him across the country? I think deep down they know there is more to his and my relationship than "just friends," but they would still be surprised, and probably a little judgmental. But here I go again with a hypothetical situation that will never come to pass. It is so unhealthy that I let myself think about these possibilities.

Last night, we went to the baseball game. I think we are going to keep doing things like that as long as we can--more museums, more shows, sporting events, touristy things. I guess part of it is that we want to get as much out of this city as we can before we have to leave it. I think another part of it is that we want to create memories with each other while we still can. Cheesy, right? I guess we are just trying to make the most of the little time we have left. I keep thinking about a line from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Toward the end, when Joel and Clementine realize that they can't run from the erasers anymore, and they are reliving the last memory left--the first time they met. Clementine says, "This is it Joel. It's going to be gone soon. What do we do?" And he answers, "Enjoy it." I know it is probably the most over-referenced movie of the decade--but I think that is because it is so easy to relate to. And right now, I relate to that line.

I am so sick of complaining about this. I know my life could be 10 billion times worse. I know I could have worse things to write about. I feel SO guilty for constantly complaining about this when I should just be grateful for all of the good things in my life. But it is so much harder than I could have imagined to end a relationship because of circumstance. I have never gone through a breakup for only practical reasons. There was always also some anger, or dulling of emotions, or relationship-ending fight. This just doesn't feel right. It feels like amputating a perfectly good limb for no reason, or something like that. I feel like we are making a mockery out of love almost. Like we are doing some injustice to everyone out there who wants to feel these kinds of emotions for someone, but can't find that person. I have found him, and I am just going to watch him walk away. Do I have a choice? Did I fight hard enough? What do I do? I feel lost. I feel alone. It would take me so long to explain this whole situation to anyone. I never get to talk to R anymore. I don't currently have a close female friend. That is what I want. That is what I need. I need someone to listen to this situation, to understand it, and to offer me advice. But how could I explain this to anyone? It is all wrapped up in emotion and abstract things like that. I guess I can't. Maybe it is best that I'm not burdening someone else with this. I know that hearing about it would have grown old months ago.

Oh well. I guess it was good to get that out. Now I need to try to enjoy the day. I hope my parents don't call me about my move-out date until tomorrow.