Not Quite There

My thesis is due tomorrow. I have to read it through one more time to make any last-minute changes. The only problem is, it is 65 pages and takes about 3 hours for me to read through carefully. I don't really have a choice though. I have to finish today.

Today, sometime between 3 and 5, him an I are going to his boss' (who is close to our age, and is more like a friend than a boss) art opening at a gallery nearby. She is a photographer. She might not be there--she found out that her dad died of cancer on Friday. I tried to help him do some detective work last night to find an obituary (he lived and died in a completely different area of the country than we are in) so he can send flowers or something, but came up with nothing. Maybe she will be at the opening after all. I know that he really wants to tell her how sorry he is, and do something, anything, to help--if nothing else, he at least wants to offer himself up as someone to talk to.

Last night, I had another one of those moments where I felt like maybe I am better off that this is ending soon. We were laying in bed and I was just SICK of watching TV. I feel like that is 90% of what we do together. So, I struck up a conversation about what happened to be on my mind at the moment, which was religion. I am agnostic--I am just undecided about what I believe. I am not sure there is anything out there, but I am also not sure that there is nothing. He is sort of a non-practicing Christian. He believes in God, and sort of believes in the whole Jesus-as-the-son-of-God thing, but certainly questions it. I love talking to people who have different beliefs than me (or have beliefs where I have none). I like to hear why they believe what they believe, what they think of other beliefs, etc. I am just naturally curious about things like that. So, I started asking him about God, Jesus, heaven, hell, etc. I didn't ever call any of his beliefs stupid, or unreasonable, or anything--I just asked logical questions about them because I was curious about his answers. For instance, I asked him what he thought about the fact that early Christians modeled the image of Satan after a pagan god to scare pagans into converting to Christianity. I asked him if he thought the idea that hell was just a big scare tactic. I wasn't debating anything with him, just asking him questions and listening to his answers.

I thought it was a really interesting conversation. Apparently he didn't like talking about it as much as I did. He basically told me that he was trying to watch TV, and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore because in the past few years his faith has been hanging by a thread and he doesn't want to question his beliefs. First, I told him that I thought it was a terrible idea not to question his beliefs. I told him that if there is a god, I don't think he would punish anyone for questioning things, and examining things, and sorting through ideas. Second, I told him that I wasn't trying to make him question his faith, I was just sick of watching TV all the time and wanted to actually have a stimulating, intelligent conversation. No matter what we are talking about (even if it isn't a sensitive topic like religion), he doesn't ever want to talk when I try to. It is always, "Honey, I'm watching this show, let's talk later," or "I don't know honey, you ask too many questions, let's just watch this."

Frankly, I need a guy that is willing to actually have conversations. Sitting together and watching TV every night is NOT a relationship. I have to drag him out to do anything outside of the building, and when we are in the apartments, I can't get him to engage with me intellectually. I need someone who is actually willing to TALK to me. I like to talk. I need to talk. I have a million questions and thoughts rolling around inside my head that need an outlet. The only guys that were ever willing to be that outlet were D, and sometimes (although often reluctantly) M.

He could tell I was upset, and he apologized and said that we could talk any time, about anything I want, but I had this overwhelming feeling of "why bother trying anymore?" I don't know. Why work to make our "relationship" better and more satisfying if it is just going to end anyways. At least I know one more quality that I NEED in a partner. I need intellectual conversation. Or at least conversation. We have to be able to do more than just sit and stare at a TV screen together.

I guess I had better get to the thesis so that I am ready to go to the art opening this afternoon. After this thesis is done, it is really coming up to the end of our time together. The final days (or weeks). I wonder exactly how much time we have left. I guess I will find out.