The Final Day With Him

My Dad gets here tomorrow morning. I have been cleaning and packing all day. I am exhausted, but I need to keep going. It will be easier when my Dad gets here if I manage to get as much done as possible.

This morning I had my job interview. I think it went okay, but not great. My gut feeling is that I won't get the job. By the end of the week I will know if they want to fly me out for an in-person interview. So, it is really out of my hands now. I did my best. I am not going to think about it until I hear from them. If I get an in-person interview--great. If I don't, I will just have to keep looking. Either way, I am going to start applying for more jobs as soon as I get home.

Last night, I sobbed for about three hours strait, to the point where my eyes were swollen and my head was pounding. I couldn't help it. I just kept thinking things like, "Which kiss will be the last?... This is one of the last times that I will feel his body next to me in bed.... How long will it take before I can't quit call his face into my memory without looking at a picture.... This is one of the last times he will hold my hand...." Tonight is really the last night that we will probably EVER spend in the same bed. Tonight will be the last night that we really have together. It is really too much for me to handle. I think this will be the hardest part for me. I know that those aren't productive thoughts. I can't change the fact that the end is so close. I did everything that I could do. I tried. I want so badly to keep my emotions in check and to enjoy our last night, but the finality of it is just too much for me to take. How can I not cry when I am losing someone that I love so much?

He is managing to hold himself together much better than I am. When I calmed down a little last night, I asked him how. He basically said that he feels like he has to be strong for me and that it will be harder for him when I am actually gone. I wanted to respond, but if I said anything I knew I would start crying again. I wanted to say, "Please don't try to be strong for me. I would rather see your emotion," but I couldn't get the words out. I did manage to say a few things that I wanted to say though. I said, "I really do want what is best for you. I know that you are doing what you need to do. I have been snapping at you so much because I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am not what you need. I'm sorry I'm so emotional right now, but I will be fine." What finally calmed me down was the thought that I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me anyways. He is giving me up. That is his decision, and his loss. I am strong enough to handle this, and I deserve someone who wouldn't want to let me go. That is really the only line of reasoning that can calm me down right now. It is the only one that makes me feel better. It stops the tears, and even dulls the pain. I don't really know why. I guess it is probably because it reminds me that he is NOT the perfect guy for me if he is not willing to fight for us. I deserve someone who loves me completely and would do anything to find a way to be with me. I love him, but my feelings don't make up for the fact that he is choosing to leave me behind.

I know that I am not out of the woods emotionally yet. I know that the rest of this week will be very hard for me. At this point, I honestly just can't wait to be home with my parents. Once him and I say goodbye, the further away I can get from him, the better. I don't know if I should ask him not to call, email, or text me for awhile. I know that if he does it will be hard for me, but I also want to be able to keep in touch with him once the initial pain dies down. I guess I will just play it by ear.

D sent me a Facebook message today. He lost my phone number and wants to call and catch up. I messaged him back with my number and telling him that I would be home late Thursday evening, and would be in town for at least a couple weeks. I am sure I will see him while I am home. He recently had his heart broken too. As I've said before, my romantic feelings for him are gone, but he still knows me very well and it will be nice to have someone to talk to.

Well, this might be the last time I post on here until late Thursday evening or Friday. I might have time to write tomorrow morning if my internet doesn't shut off today like it is supposed to, but if it does shut off today I guess I will be on my own from here on out. I will have to get through this week alone. I definitely can't talk to my Dad about this stuff. It will definitely be a relief to be able to get on here again once I make it home.

He will be home from work soon. I guess I should go clean some more and prepare myself to try to say goodbye without having a meltdown.