Making Moves

I got the job! I found out yesterday. They aren't offering me enough money a year for me to be financially worry-free, but they are offering me just enough to live on and pay my bills. Considering that I really liked everyone there and the job is right up my alley, I really can't turn it down. So, I officially join the ranks of the employed. They want me to start around October 20, which gives me a little bit of time to work out the logistics of moving to Montana. I'm excited and nervous. I hope I can do the job well. I think I can, but I really won't know until I actually get in there and start working. I will try to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with finding a job rather than worrying about all of the practical stuff--at least for the weekend. I have started calling around about housing (can't put that off too much), but I will try to leave everything else until Monday. Especially the unhappy task of emailing my former supervisor (from the job I had in college), who is still trying to pull strings to get me hired. I feel bad, but I have to do what is best for me.

Of course, I also have the usual anxiety that comes with moving to a completely new place. I've never lived that far west. It was beautiful out there when I went out for the interview, and I am told that there are a lot of people my age around there, and that there is a lot to do (outdoorsy things, bar/live music type things, and sports). The thing that really makes me nervous is that this will be my first time moving to a new place outside of an academic setting. When I've moved places for school, I've been with people my own age in classes, and housing, and other things like that. This time, I will be interacting mostly with people who are a little bit older than me. I am just not sure where or how I will meet the younger crowd. But, again, things to worry about a little bit later.

As for things with HIM--we have been talking at least every other day, for an hour or more at a time. I know that it is probably not the best thing to do, but it makes me feel good. He is not having the best time in South Dakota--he is still having trouble getting to know his co-workers, and his boss is kind of a hard-ass. In general he sounds a little down. I know that I should put two and two together and realize that he only really wants to talk to me because he is sad, and lonely, and needs someone (anyone), but I can't help myself. First of all, I can't stand to think of him unhappy--I have an uncontrollable urge to help him and listen to him. Second, it really does make me feel great. It just kind of feels like a long-distance relationship. I know that it isn't (I am not that delusional), but it really allows me to keep the pain to a minimum by still feeling so connected to him. He has even suggested we spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or both together (I won't have vacation time yet by the holidays, and South Dakota is much closer to Montana than home). I know that it might not happen, and I know that he will eventually meet people out there and will no longer need to talk to me so often, but for now it is enough to keep me going. Pathetic, I know. It is hard to think logically when you are in love. I don't know how long it will take me to learn to let him go. I know that I don't feel single. I don't have any interest in dating or even thinking about the possibility of dating in the future, and a large crazy part of me still holds out hope for me and him. I really look forward to a time when I will be able to picture my future without him. Right now I just can't.

I will probably be hanging out with D this weekend, and I might go to visit my brother in New York City next weekend. We also have some close family friends coming to the house this weekend, and I am going into my Mom's office all day tomorrow to help out with answering phones and doing paperwork. Basically, I am keeping busy enough to keep myself relatively sane. Getting the job helps my mood, but I am still wrestling with a good amount of anxiety (especially over figuring out how to live on the budget I will be living on in Montana). Not much I can do besides take a deep breath and jump into it.

It is time for the next phase in my life. Scary, exciting, new--I guess it is all part of being this age.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I talked to him last night as expected. He is going to call me tomorrow night too to let me know how his first day of work went. We are still attached to each other in a rather unhealthy way. I just know that I have to be prepared for him to fall off the face of the earth once he starts to feel better about being in South Dakota. I have been through situations like this before. I know that I am only needed for temporary comfort and companionship. Of course, instead of complaining about it, I could refuse to be the temporary emotional crutch--but we all know I can't manage to do that. I still love him too much. The only thing that is keeping me from missing him horribly is the fact that we have been talking on the phone a lot. I know that I am just delaying the emotional crash, but right now that feels like my best option. Who voluntarily feels pain? I am obviously going to put it off for as long as possible.

I am getting truly irritated with the fact that I have not been able to get a hold of R, my best friend from college. Obviously calling her isn't working, so I am going to give that up--but I am not sure if I want to try to send her an email or a Facebook message in some sort of last ditch effort to reconnect. We were too close for me to just let this go, but friendship should not be a one way street. I don't know what is going on with her. Part of me worries that something horrible happened, and she has not been up to calling, but realistically I know that she has probably just chosen not to return my calls. It can't have been anything I've done. There is really no reason for her to be mad at me or to avoid me. I feel hurt, and abandoned, and insignificant. I miss talking to her, but when do I just call it quits?

D did ask me to hang out with him last night, but I didn't feel like going out so late so I told him I would have to take a rain check. The ball is in my court now with him. I will probably hang out with him again, but in my current state of half annoyance and half self-pity caused by the fact that people seem to continuously ditch me in one way or another, it might not be the best idea. I could easily take it out on him--after all, for several years he was the one continuously ditching me in one way or another. With R not returning my calls, and the fact that I am still facing the inevitable emotional mess that will come with the realization that HE really will never want to be with me, I am just in a bit of a mood right now.

I know that this self-pity act is getting a bit tired and out of control, but I really don't understand why any of this is happening. Is there something wrong with me that people just feel the need to get as far away from me as possible? Forget guys, my female friends don't even want to keep me in their lives. At least that's the way it feels. It just makes me feel toxic and defective. It also makes my mind dwell on the ultimate "poor me" question: Why doesn't anyone want me?

I am sure that my mood will improve once I get a little more productive. Tomorrow I am going into my Mom's office to help out with filing and answering phones (which I have been doing there off and on since I was about 15). Maybe that will perk me up. At least it will get me out of the house.

Back From The West

I got back from Montana last night. I think the interview went well. I actually think I may get the job. I will find out this coming week. I really liked all of the people in the office, and the type of work the company does is a really good fit for me. More on that if I get the job.

My other Montana news is what the trip has done to me and HIM. It is nothing earth-shattering, but he definitely wants to talk more. He left me a message while I was on the plane flying out, just to say hi and to wish me luck. I called him that night when I got to my hotel and found out that he was in a hotel for the night halfway through his drive to South Dakota. We talked for at least an hour. It felt so good and natural to be talking about my day with him and just to hear his voice. We also talked the next night. We also talked the night after that (last night). He has also sent me two text messages between all of those conversations that read: "I miss u," and "I still miss u." He is going to call me again tonight.

I know that part of his desire to talk comes from the fact that he is currently in South Dakota, where he doesn't know anyone yet, sitting in a hotel room by himself. I know that in some ways I am just a crutch. But it is just so intoxicating to talk to him and to feel a connection to him--even if it is just over a phone line. I know that it is keeping me emotionally stuck, but at the moment it is also keeping me calm. Talking to him takes the edge off. I don't feel like I am so separated from him when I can still talk to him every day. I know that it will end soon when he starts working and meets people, but I just can't help myself. He is my drug.

D is still sending me a lot of text messages. Three tonight. I think he is lonely too. I think he wants me to hang out with him tonight (which I don't really feel like doing). I guess I look like a good person to fall back on to everyone these days. Maybe I am viewing all of this too cynically--it is just that sometimes I feel like people only come around when they need me, and then leave me in the dust when I need them.

I had dinner with my friend M tonight. When she got home from dinner, her boyfriend proposed to her--which was funny since at dinner we had talked about the fact that her boyfriend would probably propose soon, and that she was mildly annoyed that he was so obsessed with surprising her and not giving her a clue as to when. She was definitely surprised. She called me to tell me almost right away because she thought it was so strange that we had had that conversation probably an hour before he popped the question. She seems really happy.

I am definitely happy for her, but a tiny part of me (the self-absorbed, bitter part) can't help but feel a little... not jealous, but... defeated maybe. Not that I want to be engaged right now, but it would be nice to find a guy who is even moderately willing to make some minor commitment to me. Instead I have a pair of guys who need me momentarily--one of whom I would give almost anything to be with, and one of whom I would have given almost anything to be with for ten years of my life.

Oh well. Bed time for me--up early tomorrow

The Next Step

I ended up talking to him right after I wrote my last entry. I caved and called him, although he said he was just about to call me when I called. We talked for awhile. We both managed to keep our emotions in check, although I teared up at several points and I heard him get choked up at least once. Not that it matters. But it really was nice to talk to him. It is still such a huge adjustment not talking to him every day. I have been having some dreams about him, which I hate, but aside from that I have been keeping it together. He is heading to South Dakota sometime in the next couple days. And tomorrow through Friday, I will be in the same timezone as him. I don't know why I care. I shouldn't. For some reason, it comforts me though. I still have a long, long way to go to get over him.

Hopefully, I will soon make it with him to the place I've made it with D. I just hope it doesn't take as long to get over him as it did to get over D. With D it took about 10 years to reach a point where I am no longer emotionally hung up on him. Of course, I'm older now and I think also more emotionally self-sufficient--but I guess only time will tell. Over the past few days, I've realized that I am not feeling ripped apart about HIM right now because a big part of me still holds onto hope that we will get another shot at being together sometime in the next few years. I know that it is unhealthy to hold onto that, but I can't help it. I feel like the only thing that has been in our way has been his inability to make a commitment. Part of me wonders if he just needs to mature for a few more years and sew a few more wild oats. Am I crazy to let myself consider that that might be a possibility? I love him, and I know that he feels something significant for me too--I am just not sure if he feels the same way I do and held it back because he knew the timing was bad, or if he just didn't love me enough.

I know that I have to leave him in the past (at least for now). I cannot sit and dream up hypothetical situations where we might be together in the future. I think that it is okay to stay in touch with him (after all--in addition to whatever else we had, we were definitely best friends), but I know that eventually I will have to put myself back out there romantically. I am not in a hurry to be in a relationship or anything, but once I am settled somewhere I need to open myself up to the possibility of meeting people, making friends, and even going on dates. In general, I am definitely ready to get moving with this next phase of my life. I am starting to feel a little bored and trapped in this little transitional phase.

Tomorrow, I fly out to Montana early tomorrow morning for my interview. I am pretty nervous about the whole thing--from beginning to end. My nerves start with the flight. I am not the best flier. I never have been, although I've had to get used to it since I've been flying back and forth between home and school several times a year for the past five years. This flight is going to be longer though. I have about 4 hours for the first leg, a VERY short layover (I am afraid that I will miss my connection), and two hours on the second leg. When it comes to travel, my mind always goes to the worst-case scenario. Yes, I think of car crashes, plane crashes, lost luggage, missed connections, medical emergencies--anything you could imagine. I know it is more than a little spazzy to immediately start dreading the worst and most unlikely scenarios, but I can't seem to help it. I don't like being up in a plane with absolutely no control over it. I don't like being confined in a small, airborne vehicle for so long with no way to get off. Basically, all of my travel phobias come down to hating the feeling of not being in control. It doesn't help that every time I've turned on the TV in the past week there has been some sort of show about 9/11 on. It is not that I think anything like that will happen on one of my flights--it is just that I seem to have a very troublesome tendency to let myself dwell on ANY possible thing that could go wrong when I am flying, so having something that terrible constantly on TV, and therefore on my mind, for the past several days has not been good for my level of calm.

Once I make it through my flights, I have to worry about what happens at my destination. The office manager who made my travel arrangements told me she would email me about before my trip and never did (most importantly, if someone is going to pick me up at the airport). I emailed her this morning to ask about it and still haven't heard back from her. I have no idea how I am getting from the airport to my hotel, what time my interview starts on Thursday, how I am getting from the hotel to the office, or any other details about my trip. I guess this will be an exercise in relaxing and relinquishing control. I will just have to trust that it will all work out.

In all of this, I am really not as nervous about the interview as I am about the travel. I am just not thinking logically. I am getting all hung up on details that are out of my control, rather than focusing on the larger purpose of the trip, which I do have some control over. But right now, I just want to get the flight over with and find out exactly what is happening on the other end in terms of transportation and my itinerary.

I am actually looking forward to seeing the city and staying in a hotel. It sounds silly, but I've never stayed in a hotel by myself, and I am kind of excited about it for some reason. I hope I get a chance to just walk around Missoula and take in the sights. My main interview is Thursday, so I am hoping that the company doesn't have anything planned for me tomorrow when I get in. It would be nice to just have some time to myself there. Then again, I would rather them be overly attentive than forget to pick me up at the airport and never get back to me about interview details.

I guess overall, I am just a ball of anxiety right now. I feel so stuck and stifled already, even though I have only been back with my parents for a week and a half. And it isn't them--I enjoy being around them for the most part--I just want to jump back into my own life. I need to move on. Physically, emotionally--everything. I just need to start living my own life. Hopefully Montana works out. There is a lot riding on this interview. There are no other job prospects on the horizon, and I actually really want this job. I am afraid to admit that--it seems like whenever I really want something it gets away (yes, I am being overly dramatic). I just need to start doing something productive, and to build a new life for myself.

Here's hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow (and for the whole trip).

Sinking

I had another nightmare last night, but luckily it was just the garden-variety "being chased by a psychotic killer" type nightmare, and not one in which someone close to me died. I am not sure what is going on with my poor head. I think that maybe I am just feeling unsettled at the moment.

I am starting to feel pain creeping through. I am doing my best to keep it back, and to resist the ever-growing urge to call him. He must have seen that he missed a call from me the other night and he never called back, so I should just take that as a sign that he doesn't want to talk to me. And regardless of the fact that he didn't call me back, he has also made no attempt to call me on his own either. I know it is for the best, but it is getting harder and harder to stay strong. I know that it will only set me back to hear his voice. I thought about just sending him an email, but really, what is the point? What do I hope to get out of it? I miss him a lot, but I don't really think any good can come of talking to him right now. It really is becoming a constant struggle not to pick up my phone. It is Saturday night and I know a lot of his friends still live in his home town, so it is safe to assume that he is out and partying. That should be reason enough not to call. I might give in tonight though.

Another person who does not seem to like returning my calls is R, my best friend from college. I have left so many messages for her, and have not received one call back. Not to mention the facebook message she sent me telling me that she was going to call me "this weekend," which was about a month ago now. I don't want to call her anymore, because it seems pointless, but I also really miss her--and in general, I miss having SOMEONE to talk to. The charms of being home and having nothing to do are really starting to wear off. Thank goodness I have my job interview on Wednesday.

Tired

I didn't sleep very soundly last night. I stayed up pretty late reading, because I was almost done with my book, but the late bedtime really wasn't to blame. Lately I have been having nightmares. In general, I have a lot of nightmares. I am not really sure why. To me, this was one of the worst. Last night I had a dream that my Dad died. I don't remember how. My entire dream consisted of me trying to get through a day in high school right after losing my Dad. I was unable to concentrate on anything and spent every class sobbing. It was a horrible, horrible dream. Needless to say, I was relieved to wake up--but I also still felt unsettled. I just keep thinking back to the dream I had the night the girl in my high school died. I know it is silly, but a small irrational part of me is afraid that dreaming it will make it happen.

Another reason that I didn't sleep well last night is this house. I've realized that for some reason I felt much safer in my city apartment than I feel here. It is completely illogical, since crime rates are much lower here, but once night come here I just start getting bouts of paranoia. In my little apartment in the city I could see my front door from my bed. Here it is downstairs. It is an absolutely absurd thing to worry about. My parents are in the house, the doors are locked, and I live in a very safe neighborhood.

I am afraid that I might be sliding back into something that plagued me in my childhood. I had pretty serious anxiety issues between the ages of 8 and 11. I avoided leaving the house whenever possible, crept into my parents' room almost every night to sleep on their floor, and was unable to make it through sleepovers at friends houses without calling my parents to come pick me up. I was afraid of any and all conceivable disasters--the house might burn down, the dog might get hit by a car, etc, etc. For some reason I felt like if I was in the house, sleeping on my parents' floor, none of that would happen. The fears I am displaying now are almost as absurd. Any little sound in the house makes me jump and keeps my adrenaline pumping to the point that I cannot fall asleep until I am completely exhausted. I feel at least a little afraid every night--and my parents are in the house! Imagine if I lived here alone!

Maybe I am just misplacing emotion a bit. I am nervous about my job interview and about the future in general. I am still dealing with heartache from the situation with him. I have plenty of things rolling around to unsettle me. That is probably the source of the dreams and of the irrational fears. I guess I will just have to deal with it for now.

I am still doing okay with the whole HIM situation. I haven't heard from him, and I haven't tried to call him again. I know that it really is better that way. Time and distance are really the only ways to heal.

I guess I should try to sleep now. My head will be clearer in the morning.

Distance

Distance is definitely the key to not feeling pain right now. I find that any mention or reminder of the city I just moved from makes me crack a little. I saw a show tonight that was set there and little waves of pain just started to come--which led to me trying to call him. My thought process was something like, "Why shouldn't I call him? I miss him and want to talk to him." I got his voicemail and didn't leave a message. I think the fact that I tried to call him and didn't actually get him on the phone made me feel a thousand times worse. It just reminds me that I can no longer talk him or see him whenever I want to. I went from seeing and talking to him every day to just having him completely gone. I was doing so well before I saw that show. Up to this point the change of location has been very helpful. I guess I will just have to try to re-immerse myself in the here and now. I am almost hoping that he doesn't call me back (I doubt he would tonight anyways--but I mean at all). As much as I miss hearing his voice, it will only set me back.

I got a nice outfit for my job interview. I actually feel good in it. I am not really the suit-wearing type, so I managed to find something that is suit-like, but still young and stylish. I just need to find a pair of shoes that won't make my feet throb and I will be all set. I fly out next Wednesday--a little less than a week to prepare myself for this interview, which will mainly consist of keeping myself calm.

I am meeting up with my friend M on Saturday. I haven't seen her since last summer. She is one of the only people from high school who I am still in touch with--really the only one other than D. She is the kind of person who I could talk to anything about, although I am starting to feel like we are in different places in our lives for the first time. What I mean by that is that we both graduated high school and went to college, but now she has had a full-time job for a year and just bought a house with her boyfriend. I am still looking for my post-college job and am nursing a broken heart from yet another non-committal man. I just feel like she is much more settled and "together" than me. I think we will still have plenty to talk about though, since we haven't "caught up" in awhile.

I got a couple texts from D yesterday. It's funny--back when I was head-over-heels in love with D, I hardly got any calls or texts from him, but now that I am over it, he is all too eager to talk. His texts said:

You can be a pain in the ass at times but thanks for the other night. I really mean that.

And just in case I made you think otherwise I honestly didn't have any intentions of trying anything. At one point I made a conscious effort to stop playing with your earrings cuz I was afraid you would think so and didn't want you to be uncomfortable. But honestly I was legit fascinated by them (blame the exhaustion) cuz of the shape and I'm amazed that something so simple could cost so damned much lol

Hm. Methinks thou dost protest too much. I still think that his general vibe was that he wanted something to happen, but I at least think he got the message that I didn't want anything to happen. Touching my earrings was not the only issue. He was touching me for no apparent reason a variety of other times. Maybe I read too much into it, but I know him pretty well, and I definitely feel like if I had been receptive, he would have made a mood. Either way, he clearly gets that I don't want to take it there this time around. I probably will hang out with him again. It was nice to talk to him and since I can start to feel my emotional armor cracking a bit and could really use the company and support right now.

So, I guess in the end my last two days add up to the realization that when I am in love with guys, they inevitably have commitment issues, but once I get over them, they decide they want to give me attention that I no longer want. That isn't a fun pattern. I also find that while the guys who I care deeply about are never ready to commit, or think the timing is bad, or whatever else, guys who do love me and want to be with me (like M) just aren't quite right for me. I definitely don't think it's a case of me wanting what I can't have, because I don't realize that I can't have the ones I really want to be with until after I've already decided that they're perfect for me. It is just bad luck, or bad judgment I guess. I just need to remember (again) that any guy who is willing to let me go so easily is really not worth my tears. I still love HIM so much more than I can handle, but I should not spend time wishing I could be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me. It is just illogical. Remembering that really does help.

I will end with a poem that has been running through my head today. It just fits my situation so perfectly that I am really leaning on it at the moment. Emily Dickinson again:

Heart! We will forget him!
You and I—tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave—
I will forget the light!

When you have done, pray tell me
That I may straight begin!
Haste! lest while you're lagging
I remember him

Floating Along

Everything is still pretty positive with me. Last night my parents took me out to a nice dinner to celebrate my graduation. The food was good and we had a nice time--except for the roughly 20 minutes where they decided to grill me about HIM ("So he was really just your friend?"), but I think I weathered it pretty well. Not a single tear. My parents gave me a really nice pair of earrings, even though I told them that they should not buy me a graduation gift, and we just enjoyed each others' company.

After dinner, we went to get drinks at another place nearby. Me and my Mom were both a bit tipsy and spent a good 45 minutes debating about the existence of evil. My Dad pretty much just rolled his eyes the whole time and eventually got so bored with the conversation that he wandered away from the table.

By the time we got home it was about 11PM. D had wanted me to call him when I got home, so I did even though I figured it might be a little late for him. It turns out that he was completely up for hanging out. He came and picked me up and we hung out at his house until 3AM. We basically just talked the whole time. We made a half-hearted effort to pick out a movie to watch, but I think we both actually just wanted to have someone listen to everything we've been keeping inside. I talked about HIM, about my anxiety about my job interview, about how I've changed in the last years, about my fear, hopes--my conversations with D are always pretty deep.

He had a lot on his mind too. I could tell he had been out of sorts, but I figured it was related to his breakup and the fact that he is living at home when he would rather not be. It turns out there was some deeper stuff going on there too--some childhood trauma that he had repressed and had just come bubbling into his memory in the last year. I definitely didn't expect that. He seems pretty ripped apart about all of it, and he refuses to get any type of professional help. I think I am one of three people who know. Even though we have had rough patches, and have gone pretty long periods where we weren't in contact, he still says that I "know [him] better than anyone." I hope talking to me helped a little. I wish there was something else I could do. I wish he would at least go to a counselor or something.

I got the sense that D might have wanted something to happen between us last night, but I was definitely not encouraging him. He kept finding excuses to touch me. I just honestly had no desire to do anything with D. My heart is somewhere else, and D and I are past the point of ever being able to have a casual hookup.

All in all, it was nice to talk to D. We really do know each other SO well, and it is nice to be able to talk without censoring myself. I really needed that. I don't know if I'll see him again while I am home. I think it was an emotionally exhausting night for both of us. It is hard to spend much time around someone who can see right through all your bullshit and force you to talk about the things that hurt the most.

Surprisingly, I only slept until 11 today. Considering that I didn't get home until 3, that is not bad. I spent the whole day helping my parents paint the shutters--the last thing in their summer-long house painting project that needs to be done.

When I finished painting for the day, I called HIM. I figured it was best to call him in the daytime since I've figured out that nighttime is dangerous for me emotionally. I miss him. I wanted to hear his voice. I genuinely wanted to know how his move had gone, and when he moves to South Dakota, and how graduation was. We only talked for a few minutes. I got the sense that it is a little hard for him to talk to me too. The conversation was a little awkward. We danced carefully around any sore topics, and stuck to safe things. He only slipped once when he said, "I saw the most beautiful sunset last night and I thought of you. I really wished you were here to see it." Aside from that we just sounded like two friends talking. We didn't even sound like particularly close friends. I think we both have protective walls up. I got a little teary during the conversation, but I think I did a good job of not letting it slip into my voice. I think I really want to maintain some type of contact with him--even if it is occasional and cautious. In fact, that is probably the only kind of contact with him that is healthy for me right now. It needs to be brief, spread out, and casual. No talking every day, no lovey-dovey stuff, no staying on the phone for hours. That will just keep me emotionally stuck. Today was good. I can handle conversations like that. That is all I am ready for right now. I need to slowly condition myself to interact with him as a friend, rather than as a boyfriend (even though he technically wasn't, we still had a boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic). I know that he is spending the next week visiting with people before he heads out to South Dakota (on Sept. 10), so I don't think I will talk to him very much, if at all, until after he moves. Probably for the best.

Tomorrow my parents go back to work after the long holiday weekend. It will be my first time really alone since I've been home. It will be another test for me. When my Mom gets home from work, she and I are going shopping--I need some professional-looking clothes for my interview.

So, overall I still have plenty of distractions. I am staying away from my computer as much as possible so I am not tempted to look at his MySpace, or even check his email (that would be very bad--I definitely should not do that, and I am 98% sure that I won't). I have been watching some TV in the evenings, then reading in bed until I feel tired--which happens pretty quickly now that my sleep schedule is a little more normal. The only time I've felt the slightest bit shakey in the past few days when I was on the phone with him today. Even talking about him with my parents and D has not been bad. I think I am going to be okay.

Forgiveness

I got to thinking today about forgiveness. I guess it was related to HIM. I have been feeling okay over the past couple days, and it occurred to me today that I may have actually forgiven him for not choosing me. I am not over him. Of course not. But I don't feel any of the animosity toward him that I did during our last week together. It is like I couldn't forgive him until it was really over. Now that I am home, the anger has melted away.

The moment that really made me realize that the anger was gone was during lunch today. My grandmother came down to visit and while we were sitting and eating this conversation happened:

Grandmother: So, how is your beau?
Me: He isn't my beau.
G: Well, okay, how is your friend? Are you going to keep in touch with him?
Me: Yes, of course I'm going to keep in touch with him.
G: Because you didn't keep in touch with M. I liked M.
Me: I know, but that was different.
G: I am just being nosey. That is a grandmother's job.
Dad: Good, keep being nosey, because she doesn't tell us anything.
Me: What? What do you want to know? (directed toward G:) And ____ is doing fine. He walked at graduation and is finishing moving out.
Dad: Yes, he was actually a very nice young man. And his family was nice too. (To me:) And we would have approved you know.
G: Oh, well, that must mean he is "the one." Your Dad approves.
Me: (sarcastic) Oh, okay, well in that case I will call him up and tell him to call off his plans in South Dakota to come be with me.

Normally, that conversation would have driven me insane. Just another reminder that I wanted to be with him and he didn't want to be with me. I got my Dad's approval, and it couldn't have meant less. I had his parents' approval, and it didn't matter. Everything could have worked out, and he still didn't want to be with me. But strangely, I didn't find myself feeling angry, or on the verge of tears, or anything. I felt calm. I felt at peace. I felt like I was finally done being mad at him. My anger was really only hurting me. I don't know why it went away. I think after days--hell, even weeks and months--of being angry with him about all of this, I have finally forgiven him.

Tonight, I watched Into the Wild for the second time. One line in it really resonated with me this time around: "To forgive is to love." I know it is just a movie, but it is true, isn't it? I can't stay mad at someone I love. It seemed like the perfect line to explain the day I'd been having.

Case in point: D called me tonight. Although I no longer have romantic feelings for him, I will always love him, and even after that whole mess last summer I couldn't stay mad at him. When he finally got back in contact with me, I spent about two minutes being mad, and then forgave him. The forgiveness was absolute. I still don't harbor any resentment about that whole situation. There is no point in carrying around anger, and I couldn't even if I tried.

It actually felt really good to talk to him. I think he called at the perfect time. I needed to open myself up to someone, and I have never really had that type of relationship with my parents. He was unhappy to hear about my job interview in Montana ("Damn--I hoped you would stay near here"). It was nice to feel wanted. Not that I think he meant it like that. It is just nice that someone wants to be around me. I also realized tonight for the first time that D and I have always gotten along so well because we are essentially the same person. He is pretty damn close to a male version of me. We think the same way and we are able to speak very openly with each other about anything. I don't think there is anything I would be afraid to tell him. We also butt heads a lot, but he is a good intellectual sparring partner. Maybe we think so much alike because we have known each other for over ten years now. We talked to each other almost constantly through our formative teenage years. Our minds grew together. Or maybe it is just a coincidence. In any case, it is nice to feel understood and heard. So, I will probably get together with D sometime soon.

Tomorrow night, my parents are taking me out to a nice dinner to celebrate my graduation. Part of me wants to call HIM--just to hear his voice--but I know better than to fall into that trap. It will just make me backslide emotionally. He called me yesterday afternoon and we talked for a few minutes. It didn't shake me up too badly. I think the physical distance is helping a lot. I would rather not know what he is doing, or anything. So far my dreams have also stayed in check. I am terrified of dreaming about him, or of waking up in the middle of the night expecting to find him next to me only to realize that he is not in bed with me and never will be again. I have been lucky. I have been sleeping soundly. The real test will come on Tuesday, when my parents will be back at work and I will have to spend the whole day alone with nothing but my thoughts. I will just have to keep busy.

Overall, I am doing okay. Better than I thought I would. That doesn't mean I might not fall into an emotional downswing at some point, but for now I am doing well. I haven't cried since I left to come home. I haven't even felt the need to. Maybe I just needed to forgive him to find some emotional stability. It hurts like hell to be angry at someone you love. I guess in some ways the anger was a security blanket. I think I felt like if I didn't feel angry I would just feel devastated and deeply sad. Instead, I just feel relieved to not be carrying all of that nastiness around. I can finally rest and relax rather than constantly struggling, fighting, and meeting with frustration. The love I have for him hasn't changed or diminished--I can just finally see it clearly and enjoy the good feelings that come with being in love, rather than dwelling on the bad.

It's All Over

Well, I am home, sitting in the bedroom where I spent the majority of my angsty teenage years. I am feeling fine right now, but the last few days have been incredibly hard. At the moment, I am kind of glad that the bandaid has finally just been ripped off. The slow goodbye was really the worst thing. Of course, I still want to talk to him and see him--but for now I will just work on focusing where I am.

The last time we were really alone together was Wednesday night. My Dad had gone to sleep and I went over to his apartment to spend time with him. We laid on his bed and I tried not to cry. I knew that it was my last chance to tell him anything that I wanted to tell him face to face. The only thing I wanted to say was the sentence that had been behind everything I'd actually said for the last 8 months. The sentence that I'd only let out once. I said, "I love you. I really do. You know that right?" He nodded and said, "I love you too and I'm sorry."

So there it is. I may never understand what is driving this whole separation. His parents came before my Dad and I left. I still get along great with them, my Dad liked them, my Dad liked him, he liked my Dad. It just seems so perfect. But the time has come to just let him go. I cried yesterday--in front of my Dad, which was what I was trying to avoid, but for the most part I held it together.

Right before I lost my internet a few days ago, I got an email from the Missoula company. They are flying me in for an in-person interview. I guess I didn't do as badly in the phone interview as I thought I did. I am flying there September 10, and flying back here on September 12. I guess it is a little too early to be really nervous about it, but I am. I can't help but feel nervous. I also can't help but think about the fact that Montana is near South Dakota, where he will be. Of course, he will be about a 9 hour drive from me--but still relatively close. In any case, it is just an interview, so I should worry about actually getting the job before I start planning trips to visit him.

I shouldn't be thinking about him anyways. I know that it is much easier said than done, but the best thing I can do is distract myself and put him out of my head. He chose to let me go. He didn't want to be with me. Those things should be enough to make me not dwell on him. But unfortunately, as much as I cannot understand why he wanted what he wanted, I believed him when he said he loved me. Maybe it's because I wanted to believe him. But it was also apparent in the way he looked at me, touched me, talked to me... I guess it is a moot point. I have no choice but to move forward now.

I will probably call D, and the few other people from high school who I am still in touch with. Not today, but soon. I need to keep busy while I am here. My Mom was asleep when we got home last night, so once she gets home from work today I will have to go through the whole gamut of questions with her. Tomorrow I get my hair cut. That always makes me happy. I haven't had it cut in months and it is looking very ratty. My grandmother is also driving down to visit. So tomorrow will be a busy day.

Night time is the worst. I will just bury myself in TV and novels. I am actually reading a pretty good book right now. I had started it weeks ago, but put it down for awhile during all the packing and saying goodbye. It is called Second Glance--it is about a paranormal investigator who lost his wife in a car accident, a Native American land rights case, and more generally, just about death, ghosts, suicide, and suffering. It is not as depressing as it sounds. It is slightly predictable at times, but it was an effective distraction last night and on the plane. It is a pretty quick read though, so I will have to line another up for when I am finished.

So, I guess long story short--I am surviving. Of course, I knew that I would survive. The big test will be how well I can keep it together in the next few weeks. He told me to call him when I got home last night, but then did not answer the phone. I left a message, but decided that I will not be calling him again for awhile. Distance is best.

My Dad stayed home from work today, so I am delaying leaving my bedroom. I feel like being alone at the moment, and he will just start reminding me of all the little things I have to do (student load related, and other phone calls I have to make). But if there is anything I've learned from this past week, it is that you can't hold off the inevitable. I will have to leave my room. I will have to deal with my loans. I will have to handle a long line of questioning from my Mom. I will have to keep living my life like I normally would, and I will have to do it without crumbling. I feel kind of hollow at the moment. I feel empty. But I have to keep it together.

The Final Day With Him

My Dad gets here tomorrow morning. I have been cleaning and packing all day. I am exhausted, but I need to keep going. It will be easier when my Dad gets here if I manage to get as much done as possible.

This morning I had my job interview. I think it went okay, but not great. My gut feeling is that I won't get the job. By the end of the week I will know if they want to fly me out for an in-person interview. So, it is really out of my hands now. I did my best. I am not going to think about it until I hear from them. If I get an in-person interview--great. If I don't, I will just have to keep looking. Either way, I am going to start applying for more jobs as soon as I get home.

Last night, I sobbed for about three hours strait, to the point where my eyes were swollen and my head was pounding. I couldn't help it. I just kept thinking things like, "Which kiss will be the last?... This is one of the last times that I will feel his body next to me in bed.... How long will it take before I can't quit call his face into my memory without looking at a picture.... This is one of the last times he will hold my hand...." Tonight is really the last night that we will probably EVER spend in the same bed. Tonight will be the last night that we really have together. It is really too much for me to handle. I think this will be the hardest part for me. I know that those aren't productive thoughts. I can't change the fact that the end is so close. I did everything that I could do. I tried. I want so badly to keep my emotions in check and to enjoy our last night, but the finality of it is just too much for me to take. How can I not cry when I am losing someone that I love so much?

He is managing to hold himself together much better than I am. When I calmed down a little last night, I asked him how. He basically said that he feels like he has to be strong for me and that it will be harder for him when I am actually gone. I wanted to respond, but if I said anything I knew I would start crying again. I wanted to say, "Please don't try to be strong for me. I would rather see your emotion," but I couldn't get the words out. I did manage to say a few things that I wanted to say though. I said, "I really do want what is best for you. I know that you are doing what you need to do. I have been snapping at you so much because I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am not what you need. I'm sorry I'm so emotional right now, but I will be fine." What finally calmed me down was the thought that I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me anyways. He is giving me up. That is his decision, and his loss. I am strong enough to handle this, and I deserve someone who wouldn't want to let me go. That is really the only line of reasoning that can calm me down right now. It is the only one that makes me feel better. It stops the tears, and even dulls the pain. I don't really know why. I guess it is probably because it reminds me that he is NOT the perfect guy for me if he is not willing to fight for us. I deserve someone who loves me completely and would do anything to find a way to be with me. I love him, but my feelings don't make up for the fact that he is choosing to leave me behind.

I know that I am not out of the woods emotionally yet. I know that the rest of this week will be very hard for me. At this point, I honestly just can't wait to be home with my parents. Once him and I say goodbye, the further away I can get from him, the better. I don't know if I should ask him not to call, email, or text me for awhile. I know that if he does it will be hard for me, but I also want to be able to keep in touch with him once the initial pain dies down. I guess I will just play it by ear.

D sent me a Facebook message today. He lost my phone number and wants to call and catch up. I messaged him back with my number and telling him that I would be home late Thursday evening, and would be in town for at least a couple weeks. I am sure I will see him while I am home. He recently had his heart broken too. As I've said before, my romantic feelings for him are gone, but he still knows me very well and it will be nice to have someone to talk to.

Well, this might be the last time I post on here until late Thursday evening or Friday. I might have time to write tomorrow morning if my internet doesn't shut off today like it is supposed to, but if it does shut off today I guess I will be on my own from here on out. I will have to get through this week alone. I definitely can't talk to my Dad about this stuff. It will definitely be a relief to be able to get on here again once I make it home.

He will be home from work soon. I guess I should go clean some more and prepare myself to try to say goodbye without having a meltdown.

Anticipation

It is amazing how much better I feel during the day than at night. At night I feel so emotional, and then when the morning comes I feel a lot better. Why does that happen? I feel like that has always been the case for me. The old, "You'll feel better in the morning" almost always seems to hold true for me. Nothing particularly bad happened last night--just the normal feelings of sadness and dread--but I was still surprised to wake up this morning feeling perky and relatively happy. I can't really pinpoint the time in the day that my mood starts to slip. Maybe when it gets dark out. It is strange, but I have always been that way.

I did a lot of packing and cleaning yesterday, and I plan to do another round of it today. At 3:00, I agreed to meet with a friend of an acquaintance from college who is thinking about coming to the program I just finished. She seems really nice, and just wants some advice and information on the program. I think he is going to come with me, because his perspective will be helpful to her too. Aside from that, I just need to do more packing and cleaning, and get ready for my phone interview. I am still pretty nervous, and I keep getting conflicting advice on how to handle the interview. For instance, the job requires travel. HE said that I should ask if the company covers travel expenses, but my Mom said that I shouldn't ask that yet. He thinks I should ask about typical work hours, and my Mom doesn't. Since my Mom has more life experience than him, I will take her advice in most cases, but I don't see the harm in asking about hours, so I will do that. In general, I am just much better in person than on the phone. My phone also tends to drop a lot of calls, so that makes me nervous too. I guess I should stop worrying. I will just do everything I can today to prepare for it.

I think that I am a bit numb to the whole situation with him right now. I feel like my self-protection mode has kicked in. I have plenty to distract me, between packing, and cleaning, and the job interview, and I think I am getting better at pushing the whole thing to the back of my mind. The only thing that worries me is the fact that his parents are coming here on Wednesday to help him with packing, and my Dad will get here Tuesday morning. I am worried about the overlap. My parents don't know anything about my situation with him (besides the fact that we are "neighbors and friends"), and his parents know pretty much everything. I am afraid that they will accidentally spill the beans. HE asked if my Dad and I would want to have dinner with him and his parents (I guess on Wednesday night). It just seems like a bad idea.

I really can't believe that the end is almost here. The year flew by. I guess if I had it to do again, I would. It isn't ending the way I wanted it to, but I think it was worth it anyways. I really do love him more than I have ever loved anybody. I am afraid that I might never find that again. What if this is it for me? How many times to people get to fall in love? This is two for me. How many more do I get?

I guess I shouldn't think about that. What I really need is to be single for a good amount of time. I haven't been truly single since the period between T and M, and that was awhile ago now. I just need to focus on me. I really hope that I get this job in Montana. It would be a fresh start. I could get a nice little apartment or house, maybe a cat, and just settle in--far away from anywhere I've been before. I just feel like every place I've lived before is haunted. Do you know what I mean? Back home, with my parents, there are memories of D, A, my best friend from high school, E, and many other things that happened between the ages of 4 and 18. In the town where I went to college, there are memories of T, and M, and friends that I may never see again. Here, in this city, I can't go anywhere without finding something that reminds me of HIM. That is honestly the main reason that I can't imagine staying here. He is everywhere. The only logical option for me is to go somewhere new. I know that I could stay here or go to the other "haunted" places and be okay, but why should I do that if I don't have to? Why not make life a little easier for myself?

I guess I just have to hang in there a little longer. I know that I will feel worse right after I say goodbye to him for the last time, but I also know that feeling worse is a necessary step in feeling better. The worst of it will hit me between this Tuesday morning when my Dad gets here and the week or two that follows. After that, I will start to heal. I will be okay. I just need to get through the worst of it. The anticipation is still killing me. But I know I will be okay.

Distractions

I am in a state on constant exhaustion lately, which I really have to get over considering that I have to wake up early starting on Monday. Monday morning I have the interview, then after that I will be waking up early to pack with my Dad. I have to admit that I am starting to really want this job. I like the company (from what I can see on their website), and the location is starting to sound more and more appealing.

It is in Montana. Now, I know the initial reaction might be--"Really? Montana? You are excited about Montana?"... but I have legitimate reasons. Okay, well I may as well just come out with it all. The company is in Missoula, Montana. Although I have never been there, my brother actually worked there off and on for a year (his job required travel 90% of the time) and he absolutely loved the city. My brother called me yesterday to gush about Missoula. I was pretty surprised, since my brother is a big city kind of guy through and through. He hates the suburbs. He hates the country. He only likes living in the biggest cities he can find. Although Missoula is the second biggest city in Montana, it is tiny compared to the places my brother usually chooses. But for some reason, he just simply adores it. He said it is the only non-big city he would ever consider moving to. He said, "It has a small-town feel, but has plenty to do and see." Also, from what I have looked at online it is an absolutely gorgeous area with a lot of outdoorsy activities. So, it really does sound like the best of both worlds--city meets country. I don't think that my Mom is too thrilled by the possibility of me ending up there, since I grew up in the northeast, and that move would put me approximately 2,500 miles from home (seriously), although it is only about 1,500 miles from where I am now. She will support me if that is what I choose though. I kind of like the idea of going somewhere completely new. I don't want to get my hopes up, so I am trying to constantly remind myself that it is just a phone interview, but I am starting to really want this job.

This job stuff is really distracting me from the situation with him, which is great. When I do think about our pending separation, my dominant thought is, I just want to get this over with. I really can't take the anticipation (or maybe "dread" is more accurate) anymore. This is a terrible analogy, but I think it would be kind of how I would feel if I was the potential victim in a slasher flick. At some point, I think I would just want to walk up to the killer and say, "here I am," so I wouldn't have to run and worry about getting caught anymore.

Just a few days until my Dad gets here. My cable and internet will be turned off on Monday. I won't get home until late Thursday night. So I guess I won't be able to write for a few days, which will be tough since this really does provide a much-needed release for me.

Today, I have to pack more and start in on the cleaning. My apartment is small, but things like the oven are pretty dirty. Having two people basically living in a studio apartment definitely takes its toll. We also have to untangle all of our STUFF. He has a lot of my dishes/clothes/towels, and I have a lot of his. Today we need to do the swapping-of-stuff. I also have to Daddy-proof my room--you know, discretely pack the things that I do not want him to find, like birth control and certain pairs of underwear. I know I am 23 years old, but he is still my Dad and doesn't need to know certain things.

So, I guess I am more upbeat than I have been. It is partly because of the job, and I think partly because I know that I don't have a choice. I have kind of been clinging to that cliche: "If you love somebody, let him go." And I do love him, so I need to respect what he wants and needs. I would never want someone to be with me only because they felt obligated. It will still hurt like hell when the separation actually happens. I know that there will be a lot of tears and a lot of anguish--for both of us--but I know I can get through it. I know that it will probably not be the last time that I will have my heart broken. It will definitely not be the first. I guess it is just a test of strength. Another chance to learn and to show myself that I can get through all sorts of things. Obviously, I would have preferred things to turn out differently, but they didn't, and now I just have to get through it.

I will finish the story of HIM, but I am not sure when. I don't get a lot of time alone to write, since he is here most of the time these days, and I don't want him to read any of this. So, maybe in the next couple days, or maybe after I am home. I need to finish it for myself and it would be easiest to write it now while I still know that he is close by, but it looks like I might have to write it after I've said goodbye to him. It will be hard, but therapeutic I suppose.

For now, I guess I need to get back to packing and start in on the cleaning. The more I get done now, the easier it will be when my Dad gets here.

Hope

There has been a break on the job front. I have a phone interview on Monday with one of the companies I applied to. Thank goodness. I was starting to feel unemployable, although I know that the job market is just bad right now. I am pretty nervous--it has been awhile since I've interviewed for a job and I've never done it over the phone. I guess I will just hope for the best. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, so I think I will hold off writing about the actual job and location until it goes beyond the point of an interview (if it ever does).

I am having a lot of trouble with Comcast right now. Who knew that trying to get one's cable turned off could be so difficult? Long story short, I keep calling, they keep telling me that everything is all set, they keep screwing up, I keep having to call. They just mailed me a bill that should not be as high as it is, since I am shutting off my cable a week into the billing period (they are trying to charge me the full amount), they keep mailing the boxes I need to return my cable equipment to my parents' house instead of my apartment--basically, Comcast sucks. They gave me huge amounts of trouble at the beginning of the year when I was trying to get my cable and internet turned ON, and now I am running into all kinds of problems trying to turn it OFF. I guess it is just part of the headache of moving.

Things with him are fine, but strained at times. Two nights ago, he started getting teary about our situation, and I reacted with anger rather than sympathy. I basically said that he is making the decision that we need to go our separate ways and that I have a hard time feeling bad for him when he gets upset about it. I wasn't saying it in a nasty way--I was just being honest. I know that he is sad too, but a large part of me doesn't feel like he has a right to be. Sometimes I am more rational about it and understand that this is hard for him too, and sometimes I am less rational--like two nights ago. Aside from that little bump, our days and evening have been peaceful, but emotional. For the most part, I think we are both trying to enjoy the time we have left, which is now down to "days" rather than "weeks" or "months." My Dad will be here Tuesday morning. My Dad and I fly home on Thursday evening. I really won't see him much once my Dad gets here. We really just have a long weekend left. In some way, I just want to get the separation over with. Right now I feel like I am pulling a giant band aid off verrrrryyyy slowly, and sometimes I would rather just rip it off in one big pull. In some ways, the end will be welcome, because it will end the feeling of dread that I have now.

My mood has improved since I've heard from one of the places I applied to work. He has basically already accepted a job, or will within the next few days, and I was starting to feel like I was going to be cooped up at my parents' house for a long time while I was still sending out applications just trying not to think about him. At least now I have the possibility of employment. It is just an interview, so it may not work out, but at least I can THINK about living somewhere other than home and working and meeting new people. I am surprised that getting an interview has improved my mood as much as it has, but I am definitely glad for the mental distraction.

I do want to write the rest of my story about HIM, but for now I need to pack and run errands. My Dad will be very unhappy if things don't look better than they do now in my apartment by the time he gets here. It will keep me occupied while HE is at work too. I have a lot to do in not a lot of time.

The Story of HIM

Now seems like as good a time as any to write about how I got to this point with him. I know that it will be too hard to write about come next week.

We have only had the type of relationship we have now since late December. September-late December were rocky months. I first met him about a week after I moved in to my apartment. I didn't know anyone here yet. Orientation was set to start the next morning, and I was just laying in bed reading a novel, wearing "staying in" clothes (ie gray track shorts and a baggy gray tank top, hair in a ponytail, no makeup). I heard a knock on my door, which was actually a welcome sound. I had spent the past few days alone and was ready for some human contact. I walked to the door and looked through the peephole to see a guy--good-looking with dark hair (that was all I could tell through the distorted view offered by the peephole). I looked down at my outfit, but decided that it would be ridiculous to make him stand out there while I changed. I opened the door and saw that the guy standing there was definitely attractive. He also had a nice body. He was smiling and holding a six-pack of Corona. This is how the conversation went:

HIM: Hi, my name is ____. I live next door in 315. I just moved in.
ME: Hi! I'm BG. I moved in about a week ago.

We discovered that we were in the same MA program.

ME: Wow, that is a coincidence... hey, do you play the guitar? I have been hearing someone play at night. And I am not complaining. It has actually made it easier for me to sleep. I am not used to living alone, so the sound is comforting.
HIM: Actually, I do. But I haven't played since I got here.
ME: Oh. Well, hey, are you going to the orientation breakfast tomorrow? We could walk down together.
HIM: Nah, I think I am going to sleep in. It was nice to meet you. If you ever need a cup of sugar or anything, feel free to knock. And I just bought a six-pack, if you feel like coming over.
ME: Nice to meet you too. See you around.

I went back to reading in bed. I never really considered accepting his offer of going over his apartment for a beer. I am not sure why. I guess I didn't realize it was a sincere invitation (knowing him now, I know that it was). I had just picked up my book when I got another knock on my door. Him again.

HIM: Hey. I think I will go to that breakfast tomorrow. What time should we plan to leave?

We picked a time, and the next morning he knocked on my door and we walked down. As we stepped out of our apartment building, he lit a cigarette. Apparently I gave him a look, because he said, "Does the smoke bother you?" I said no, and we kept walking and talking. The truth is, I had never dated a smoker before. Although I was not yet thinking that we would end up like we are now, I was momentarily surprised by the smoke. But I got used to it very quickly, and he tells me that I stopped looked at him funny when he lit up a cigarette after about a week. On the walk, I learned that he studied archeology, and I told him about what types of history I studied. We talked about where we had been before moving here, and all of the other usual things you talk about with someone you've just met. We sat near each other at the breakfast, but after that, lost each other in the chaos of orientation activities.

The next evening, our program was having an outdoor cocktail party as a final orientation activity. I got dressed and ready to go and then decided to knock on his door to see if he wanted to walk down with me. He told me that he was going to stay in and play his guitar, but said that I should stop by after the party. I told him I would and headed out.

After the party, I was a bit tipsy from too much wine. But that only emboldened me to knock on his door. He seemed a little surprised to see me, but welcomed me in. We sat and talked for several hours until he told me that it was probably time for him to think about sleeping. Since the next day was Saturday, and we didn't have any orientation activities, we decided that we should head downtown together to check out the city. We picked a time and said goodnight. The next day, we were both tired and neither of us were feeling very well, me from the wine, and him from the beer in his apartment I think. We decided to postpone our trip to Sunday, and both spent our Saturdays doing our own thing.

When Sunday came around, we were both ready to go. We hopped on the train, went downtown, and took pictures with various famous sites in the city. We decided to get a drink at a nice restaurant by the water. We each wound up having two. That day at the restaurant, we got past all of the initial "getting-to-know-you" conversations and really got into the grittier aspects of our pasts. For some reason, I felt very comfortable telling him all about the different things I've been through. He confided in me that he had recently had his heart broken by his breakup with his ex. Although he'd broken up with her it had been very hard on him. We talked for awhile and then decided to head to a bar that I had been to with my parents when they dropped me off. It was just down the street, so the walk over was short. We sat and talked at the bar for several more hours. Conversation with him was easy. I was really enjoying his company. Eventually, we decided that we should head back to our apartment building.

When we got back, he came to my apartment with me. We sat on the couch and talked more. My cable was scheduled to be hooked up the next day, so we really had nothing to do but talk. We were both pretty tipsy, and started getting flirty before long. Our heads were on opposite ends of the couch, with our feet in the middle. He picked up one of my feet and started rubbing it. It was a smooth move, let me tell you. Before long we were making out. That is all we did that night.

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I need to shower and get back to packing. This one will have to be a multi-parter!

Up And Down

I am going through moods in waves. I will feel fine for a little while, and then I will snap at him about almost anything I can find to snap about. Sometimes I am perfectly able to "live in the moment" and enjoy the time we have, and other times I am thinking about next week--the last night he and I will spend together, the moment my Dad arrives, getting on the plane to leave here. When I hit those moments, devastation washes over me. It sounds overly dramatic, but that really is how it feels. I feel like a piece of me is being ripped away.

I think that the hardest time is actually going to be the three days that my Dad is here helping me pack. My Dad is sleeping on my floor to save on the cost of a hotel. That means next Sunday night is the last night that HE will be sleeping here. I probably won't see much of him on those three days that my Dad is here, but I will know that he is right next door. Next Sunday is really "goodbye" for me and him. After that it will never be the same again.

I know that it will hurt him too. I really do believe him when he says that. But I still can't help being angry at him for letting this go. I keep feeling like I am being thrown away. I can already feel a big hole opening up inside me. I feel broken. I don't want to go home with my parents. I want to be alone. I want to go somewhere by myself. I can't allow myself to feel everything I need to feel when they are around me. I guess as soon as I get home I will have to start looking for places to live. I will go visit my brother and maybe find a place near him.

I feel myself sinking and I don't know how to stop it. I know that I will be okay. I will be fine. I just need to go through all of the emotions. There is no easy way through this. I need to let myself feel broken. I shouldn't fight it.

I guess I need to pack more today and try not to think about things.

Four Weddings and a Bachelorette Party

Yesterday, he and I went downtown to see a movie. First, we stopped at a place that he heard had "the best burgers in the city." They were really good. It is still kind of a big claim, but I will at least admit that they are up in the top ten.

After eating, we headed to the really big movie theater downtown to see Dark Knight. I have to say that it really did live up to the hype. Normally, I don't really enjoy comic book movies. I'm not sure why--I just don't. But I liked Batman Begins, so I figured I would give it a shot, especially since I'd heard such good things about it. It was definitely worth the price of admission.

When the movie ended, he convinced me to do something I have NEVER done before--not even in my teenage years. Really: never. He convinced me to casually walk into another theater with him, since there was really no one around checking, to see another movie for free. I was quite nervous to be honest. Like I said, I have never done that before--not even in my teenage years. As he and I walked into the theater for Tropic Thunder, I could hear my Mom's voice in my head saying, "That's just dishonest!" But I got over it, and we watched the second movie without incident (my assessment of Tropic Thunder is that it is only funny if you are surrounded by a room full of laughing people. And also that it will probably single-handedly rehabilitate Tom Cruise's damaged public image). In some way, I convinced myself that movie tickets are so overprices that I SHOULD be able to see two movies. A large part of me was also thinking, you are way too old to be doing this, but I don't plan to make a habit out of it, so I can admit that it was fun.

Two movies were more than enough for one night, so we left after Tropic Thunder (although he half-heartedly tried to convince me to see Pineapple Express too). He decided that he wanted to go to a bar that we often go to when we are downtown. We headed there and ordered drinks. A few minutes later a bride, wearing the full wedding dress and still holding her bouquet, walked in with what looked like wedding guests. I thought it was a little odd. It looked like a pretty formal wedding, and I couldn't figure out what they were doing in a bar--but the bar is in a hotel, so I figured that maybe it was a post-reception celebration before heading to bed. So, I just thought, aw, she looks pretty in her dress, and went back to talking to him.

He and I had a good time, sitting, drinking, talking--everything was normal. Until I looked up to see a SECOND bride walking in wearing a full wedding dress and being trailed by members of her wedding party. My first thought was, well maybe it was a wedding with two brides, but the two did not interact once, and did not seem to know each other. So that was really strange. In all the times we've been to that bar, I have not ONCE seen a bride or any member of a wedding party. But I guess stranger things could happen than seeing two brides in a bar.

We shrugged it off as an odd coincidence and continued to talk and drink.... until about an hour later when a THIRD bride walked in in full wedding regalia being trailed by a third wedding party. WHAT?!

I started looking around for hidden cameras. I actually asked him in all seriousness if this was a dream. It was just odd enough that I couldn't wrap my head around it. He brought up the fact that we'd also seen a bride with her bridal party walking down the street when we were on our way to dinner--and it was definitely not one of these three brides.

Okay, well we do live in a big city. The weather is pleasant. It must just be a popular wedding weekend. But the three brides in the bar--that is still strange. Was there some kind of "brides drink free" deal going on? None of them seemed at all phased by the fact that there were two other brides there, but none of them seemed to know each other. No interaction at all. And I don't think it was a practical joke--they all had nice hair styles, and expensive-looking bouquets of flowers (all three different), and a bunch of men with boutineers and tuxes, and dressed-up wedding guests--it would have been a very elaborate and expensive joke. HE didn't seem to get how strange it was. But it was, right?

So eventually we headed out. As we were walking to the door, we passed a group of girls who were walking toward the bar, one of whom was wearing a long bridal veil. Clearly a bachelorette party. Now we HAVE seen bachelorette parties at that bar before, so it wasn't that strange, but I kind of wished I could see the bachelorette's face when she walked into the bar. I hope she took the three brides as a good omen. I kind of wanted them all to take a picture together, if only so I could snap one too to document the strangeness of the night. I have to say that that was one of my odder experiences in this city.

All-in-all, we had a good night. We enjoyed the movies, we had a good time chatting at the bar, and it was just all around more pleasant than the night before. We got home around 2 or 2:30, and I was asleep by 4:00. He is still sleeping (what else is new?). Hopefully today will be a nice day too.

Finally Composed

My anger lasted alllll night last night. I thought I had calmed down, so I went over to see him a few hours after the original discussion and I started crying again. I cried off and on all night. He came over and ate dinner with me and watched the Olympics as usual, but I could hardly keep myself from snapping at him any chance I got. More than mean, I was just moody. And whether or not it seemed like it to him, I was actually trying really really hard to keep my mood in check.

Today I woke up feeling a little better. Better enough to behave almost completely normally around him. He is still sleeping (here, as usual), but I think when he wakes up I will do my best to act like nothing happened. Not just for him, but for me. I need this last week to be a good experience. I will have plenty of time to be mad at him after I leave.

I need to figure out what to do after I go home with my parents. I have thought about moving to where my brother lives. It is in another city, closer to home. My Mom loves that idea, because it would put me closer to home than I have been for five years, and it would make it possible for us to all get together as a family more often than once a year (at Christmas). There are a lot of upsides to moving to his city. The only downside really, is that I don't really like my brother's boyfriend (who he lives with now). Maybe I would learn to like him. He just came off as rather rude and moody the one time that I met him. I would have THOUGHT that he would have wanted to make a good impression on me and my parents, but apparently his attitude is just a permanent part of his personality. Oh well, he treats my brother well, so I guess that is all that matters.

The other big question mark is that I still have a good number of job applications floating around out there. I would hate to move and then have one of those come through and have to move again. I could also stay in this city. But I think I like the idea of moving near my brother best right now. I don't get to see him often, it is a big city, and he could show me the ropes. I will definitely visit him soon after I get home to check it out.

I guess I will go try to enjoy the day.

Last Hand Played

Well, I brought it up. He said, "I'm just not ready for that type of commitment at this point in my life." I basically told him that it must be because he does not want ME. He said that it wasn't about him not caring enough about me. I asked him how he feels about me. He said, "I care about you a lot." I said, "Do you love me?" He said, "Yes, you could say that. That is why I get upset when I think about the year ending." And on and on it went.

Basically, he just keeps saying that he cares about me a lot and will miss me a lot, but it is not the right time in his life to make that much of a commitment. My take on the situation is that I am just not the right girl for him. That is all I want him to say. I told him that is what I think, and he said, "I will not tell you that because it isn't true." So, I am left not really understanding his reasoning. I guess I don't have to understand. He is just going to keep repeating the same things, and I am going to continue to believe that he is holding back the real reasons. I would rather him be harsh. I would rather him say, "I don't love you. You are not someone that I want to take a chance with. I enjoyed our time together, and I will miss you, but I don't have any desire to try to make it work because you are not the person for me." Why can't he just say that? I really believe that it's true. THAT reason I could understand. What he says just makes no sense to me. You either love a person enough to make it work, or you don't. I don't see a gray area. Am I missing something?

I guess my confusion doesn't really matter. I have my answer. He doesn't want to try anything to make this work. In ten days we are over. In ten days we are just parts of each others' pasts. We are people that we will tell future significant others about when talking about past relationships. When this slow, agonizing end is finally over, he will just be a series of memories, which will probably become harder and harder to call into my mind as time passes.

At least I tried. I can't do anything about the fact that he wants something different than what I want. I took a chance. I laid it all out there. I don't know how to enjoy this next ten days now. I don't know how to be around him without feeling angry. I know that it is not fair to be angry at him for this. He is just being true to himself and doing what he needs to do to be happy. Deep down, I do respect that. It is just so hard to put my emotions aside and accept it. But now I really have no choice. I can't ignore the end--it is only ten days away, and I can't hold on to any hope because today I lost all of it.

I packed two big boxes today. I cried the whole time. I just feel angry. That is all I can manage to feel right now. I feel like he doesn't have the right to feel sad. I am angry that he has shed tears over this. I am being completely irrational, I am being completely unfair, and I am being completely selfish. But right now, I can't manage to talk sense into myself. A small part of me want to go over to his apartment and hug him and cry and tell him that I am not angry, that I respect what he needs, that I can take this gracefully--but that part is overpowered by raw emotion right now. By the desire to scream at him, and cry, and rant, and say mean, spiteful things just to hurt him. But that would only make me feel worse. I just need to keep to myself for the time being. Maybe just for a few hours. I am still determined to make the most of these final ten days, but first I need to find a way to get past my anger, frustration, and sadness.

How do I do this? How do I accept this? How do get past these feelings of anger? I don't have the luxury of fuming alone right now. There is just no time for that. I need to get myself together NOW. I can be stronger than this.

I am not a religious person (as I've mentioned before), but the serenity prayer keeps running through my head: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Except, I almost feel like it should say, "courage to accept the things I cannot change." I think I need courage more than serenity. I need the courage to let go, when it is the very last thing in the world I want to do. I need the courage to enjoy these last ten days, knowing that they really are the LAST ten days. I am strong. I have been through enough hard times to know that I have inner strength. It is just hard to accept that I can't change the situation. Maybe I need courage, serenity, AND wisdom. I am smart enough to give up. I am brave enough to get through this. I just need to add a little serenity to the mix and I will be fine. I just need to calm down.

Boxes and Planes

I really need to get going on this packing thing. My Dad wants me to go buy shipping boxes and have a lot of my apartment packed before he gets here. My apartment also needs some serious cleaning. It doesn't look so bad at first glance, but a lot of things have migrated under the bed, or into the back of the closet, etc. I am trying to pump up some motivation to get it done.

He and I were talking about going to see an air show downtown today, but considering that he is still sleeping and the show starts at 3:00, I don't think that is going to happen. I actually don't mind. I am starting to really feel the pressure to start packing, and I think I should work on that today rather than going downtown.

I guess I have been feeling a little better these past two days. This is going to sound bad, but I think I am feeling better because he seems to be feeling worse. He has actually spontaneously shed a few tears about this situation. He has told me that he is sad, and scared for the end to come. It is much easier knowing that I am not the only one who feels something. The other, more unhealthy reason that I have been feeling better is that I have somehow convinced myself that maybe there is still a little chance that this "relationship" doesn't have to end. I will explain myself:

I have not heard anything on the job front in the past week or so. He has gotten a job offer from one company based in South Dakota, he might get a job offer for Georgia, and who knows where else. Basically, he is getting a lot of bites. Since I am not hearing anything, and he might already know where he is going to be next year, the thought has crossed my mind of suggesting that I go with him wherever he goes and find a random job there. I know it is a little crazy. I jokingly (very jokingly) brought it up last night. I have been wanting to talk about it for the last couple days, but the time hasn't felt right.

A couple years ago, I would have looked at a suggestion like that as absolutely crazy. I would have said, "You should never structure your life around a guy." But I feel like I am allowed to take that chance right now. I know that it might not work out. I am not deluding myself to think that we necessarily be together forever. It is possible, but I know that it could very well not work out. I am just talking about TRYING. About giving this a chance. Am I crazy?

I know that he probably won't go for the idea. When I joked about it last night, he quipped back, "You would HATE South Dakota." I don't think he will like the idea of me going wherever he goes and giving up possible jobs in my field to just work anywhere to get by. I know he won't like that. But maybe he will listen to my reasoning. I am only 23. I have a lot of time to find a job that I love. Right now, I want to be near him. I am willing to spend a year working just to make money. As for what my parents would think.... well, they would definitely be confused, since I have insisted up and down that he and I are not dating. But, as my father told me, I am an adult and it is my life now. I can make whatever decisions I have to make to be happy. This would DEFINITELY mark the first time I had ever turned my life upside down for a guy. This is the first time I have really wanted to.

God, I wish R had called me when she said she would (about 2 weeks ago). I feel like an outsider's perspective would be valuable in this situation. She is the only one who knows enough about the situation to give me an opinion--although I haven't talked to her about it since... March or April? So she doesn't really know much about the situation at all anymore, but she still knows more than anyone else in my life.

I don't know what I should do. Should I bring it up to him, or am I just being insane? Am I being completely unreasonable because I am blinded by my feelings for him? Should I just let the end be the end and move on? Would it be crazy to move with him? No matter what, I will be going home with my parents for at least a week or two after I move out of here. Maybe I could tell him that we can take that time to think about it. But first I need to figure out how to have a serious conversation with him about this. I think that I am afraid to bring it up, because if he says "no," then that is the end of all hope. Time is running out. I have ten days before my Dad gets here. TEN. Wow. I have to broach this topic soon. That way, at least I won't leave feeling like I didn't try. Even if he says "no," I think I have to try.

What should I do? I don't know. Should I try? Am I crazy to try?

Something Different

Since I have nothing to say about this situation at the moment that hasn't already been said (we still are not talking about it, I still cry at any mention of moving), I guess I will talk about what was randomly on my mind as I fell asleep last night.

Sometimes, just like songs do, poems get stuck in my head. I guess that happens for a lot of people? I would imagine anyways. I have always found myself drawn most to poems that express feelings about loss, grief, and death. It sounds depressing, I know, but that is not why I like them. I think that those just tend to be the poems that feel the most real to me. I am always impressed by certain poets' ability to describe an emotion that a lot of people feel, but that is hard to put into words, so well. I guess in a way it makes me feel connected to people in general to know that someone was able to describe an emotion that I, and most people I know, have felt at some point in their life.

Many of my favorite poems on the topics of death and loss come from Emily Dickinson. Yes, it is a little cliche, but I think she is known for that kind of poetry because she is SO good at it. Dickinson experienced a lot of death and loss in her life, so you can understand where her ability to express the feelings surrounding it come from. I don't find her poetry depressing, like most people seem to. I find it beautiful, and even comforting. I guess to me it means that in moments of grief, I will always know that someone felt those feelings before me. I will never be alone in those emotions. There are so many of her poems that I love. I think this is one of my favorites:

It struck me every day
The lightning was as new
As if some cloud that instant slit
And let the fire through

It burned me in the night
It blistered in my dream;
It sickened fresh upon my sight
With every morning's beam

I thought that storm was brief--
The maddest, quickest by;
But nature lost the date of this
And left it in the sky.

It is not as obvious and literal as many of her poems about death and loss, but I still read it as being about that. To me, it is about someone expecting that pain will pass, and then finding that it just lingers. It is about the inescapable, perpetual nature of grief. I just always found that poem beautiful and true.

This is another of my favorites from Dickinson:

The Frost of Death was on the Pane –
"Secure your Flower" said he.
Like Sailors fighting with a Leak
We fought Mortality

Our passive Flower we held to Sea -
To Mountain - To the Sun -
Yet even on his Scarlet shelf
To crawl the Frost begun -

We pried him back
Ourselves we wedged
Himself and her between,
Yet easy as the narrow Snake
He forked his way along

Till all her helpless beauty bent
And then our wrath begun -
We hunted him to his Ravine
We chased him to his Den -

We hated Death and hated Life
And nowhere was to go -
Than Sea and continent there is
A larger - it is Woe –

This one, I would imagine, is about watching a loved one die of some illness, or even old age, and about trying to keep them with you when there is really nothing you can do. I like this one for the desperation and anger it captures. It really shows that grief often expresses itself as anger. And that is really true, isn't it? I think anyone that has experienced loss know that feeling of "hating death and hating life." And then at the very end of the poem, the "wrath" gives way to this vast, consuming grief. You can just tell that Dickinson really experienced this type of emotion herself.

I could go on and on with these poems, but I think I will offer just one more of Dickinson's:

To know just how he suffered would be dear;
To know if any human eyes were near
To whom he could intrust his wavering gaze,
Until it settled firm on Paradise.

To know if he was patient, part content,
Was dying as he thought, or different;
Was it a pleasant day to die,
And did the sunshine face his way?

What was his furthest mind, of home, or God,
Or what the distant say
At news that he ceased human nature
On such a day?

And wishes, had he any?
Just his sigh, accented,
Had been legible to me.
And was he confident until
Ill fluttered out in everlasting well?

And if he spoke, what name was best,
What first,
What one broke off with
At the drowsiest?

Was he afraid, or tranquil?
Might he know
How conscious consciousness could grow,
Till love that was, and love too blest to be,
Meet -- and the junction be Eternity?

I like this one because many of her poems describe the grief of actually being present at someone's death--this one expresses the agony of NOT being present. The unknowns and worries that surround grieving someone who died alone. All of the unanswered and haunting questions. Especially--was he afraid? How much did he suffer? I don't think that these types of questions are avoidable with this type of loss. But it is comforting to know that other people have asked the same questions, and have felt haunted the same uncertainties.

I have always found these Dickinson poems comforting. It is a confirmation of connection between people. Some emotions are universal. Does that make them more bearable? I don't necessarily think that is the case. But I think poems like these make those emotions less lonely. Even if you are grieving alone, you are never really grieving alone--people before you have felt what you feel. I don't know why that is a nice thought to me.

For the sake of variety, I will end with a couple not from Dickinson. This one is W.H. Auden (and probably most recognizable to people these days as the poem read in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral):

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I don't think I can add much commentary to this one, because it really stands so well and clear by itself. I just think it is beautiful. It is so clear, and so direct, and so accessible.

And finally, probably my favorite poem of all for its simplicity, is by Langston Hughes:

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends,
Soft as it began,--
I loved my friend.

Of course, this poem could apply to many different kinds of loss. I love the sentiment of not being able to find the words to express the grief of losing his friend. While Dickinson and Auden describe grief very well in my opinion, this one expresses the feeling that one cannot really put grief into words.

So, for not real reason, today I felt the desire to share some of my favorite poems. It is a nice change from writing about what is going on in my life right now. I guess it also reminds me that the kind of grief I am experiencing at the moment is NOTHING compared to the grief that comes with death. I am SO lucky that I am not feeling that kind of grief right now. I am determined not to lose sight of how lucky I am in my life. And I am also determined to remember that if my luck runs out, I have something to turn to if I can't find any comfort from the people and things around me. These poems will always be there for me, as ridiculous and cheesy as that sounds.