Down To The Wire

Today is really my last day to work on this thesis draft. I have to get it in to my advisor and other reader tomorrow, and I think that earlier in the day would be better. So it is a race against the clock at this point. I have 42 pages now, which is within the page requirements--but is SO hard to edit a 42 page paper. I guess I just have to do it.

I finally called P back yesterday. But not without a little nudging. HE and I were sitting in my apartment eating dinner, when my phone rang. It was P. I freaked out and didn't pick up. He said that I had to call P back because it was really rude not to. Of course, he was right. But it took me about an hour to figure out what I was going to say. I decided to go with, "I am leaving this city in August, so it would not be a good time to start anything up, but it would be fun to hang out as friends." It seemed like a pretty reasonable thing to say. Of course, when I was actually on the phone with him, it was harder to squeeze that in, since he seemed more interested in having a conversation with me than in directly asking me out again. Long story short, I managed to work in the fact that I am leaving the city in August, and the fact that I am tied up with my thesis at the moment, but said that I would hang out with him at some point. I think that was pretty good. Right?

Of course, toward the end of the conversation, HE came into my apartment. I know that he was dying of curiosity. He was clearly jealous. He said that it is okay to hang out with P, but that I had better not do anything with him. I don't want to anyways, so that is fine with me.

He does this funny thing when he is jealous, where he immediately starts making fun of the guy he is jealous of. He does that with P, and he does it with D (the first love). I had a lot of drama with D last summer. I don't think I've ever written about it on here. It is a long story that I will have to let out another time. But after the drama, he removed me as a facebook friend--not because he was pissed at me, but because his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with him being in contact with me. Well, they broke up sometime in February and he got back in contact with me almost right away. Last night, he re-added me as a facebook friend. HE immediately started making fun of D (even though he doesn't know him at all)--and finally admitted that it was because he is jealous.

I don't know what I feel about this situation with HIM anymore. I feel tired. I feel trapped. I feel like I cannot stand the thought of never seeing him again, and every time I look at him now I can't help but think of how little time we have left. I feel angry. Irrationally angry. I know that he cares about me (he even went to Ann Taylor for me yesterday to find the rest of the stuff that I tried to buy online), but I also know that I deserve more than he has given me. I feel angry at myself for letting any of this start in the first place. Last night, when I was brushing my teeth (random, I know), my mind wandered to the beginning of the year--when he and I first met. I was still with M at that point. Standing there in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, I wondered what it would be like if I'd never met him. Would I still be with M? I didn't break up with M because of him, but it was definitely an added push in that direction. Would I be happier if I had never met him? I feel like all I do lately is just brace for the pain that I know is coming.

It is really an absurd thing--to know that pain is coming, but not trying to stop it. I picture myself in a cartoon standing under a giant piano that I KNOW is going to fall, but instead of stepping to the side and letting it crash on the pavement, I just look up and wait for it to flatten me into a little cartoon pancake. It goes against my most basic instincts: Oh shit, disaster is coming! Avoid! Avoid! AVOID!! Does it make me a masochist that I won't avoid him? Will I ever stop asking myself these same questions, over and over again?

I don't know what is right anymore. I know that I am at a point where I don't have control over this situation. I can't stop it, and I can't make it last past August. I am just along for the ride.