Oops

I slept in later than I intended to this morning. After I got back from the library yesterday, I was exhausted from spending the whole day in front of a microfilm machine, so I decided to relax. When he got home we had a couple of drinks. Which turned into a couple more. Shocking, right? Surprisingly, I did not have any massive emotional meltdowns, like I tend to do when I am drinking, but I did pass out around 2AM. I had nightmares all night. Why do I keep having dreams like these? Last night, this man and woman essentially tricked me and this little toddler I was looking after to get into a car with them. They tried to kill us in a car crash, and when that didn't work, they chased us with guns. Weird stuff. I didn't watch anything last night with guns... or car crashes... or toddlers, for that matter. But I guess dreams like that just happen sometimes. Or almost every night.

Still no news on the job front. I should probably find more jobs to apply to. I think I applied to... 7? I don't even know. I just applied to anything that looked interesting and that I seemed to be basically qualified for. In every case, I can imagine someone better-qualified than me getting the position. I hope I'm wrong. I guess I should just keep applying and be patient with the applications that I already have out. At least I haven't received and "no"'s yet.

I have been feeling generally numb lately when it comes to him. Just blank. Is that my mind protecting itself? I can just feel myself shutting down when it comes to thinking and worrying about him. Either he is generally managing not to do things to piss me off lately, or I have just kind of given up on him and have stopped getting upset at things that I used to get upset about. He still sleeps here every night. We still do almost everything together when we aren't working on our respective theses. I guess I don't have much time to dwell on things, since he is always with me. Now that everyone else is pretty much gone for good, he comes straight home after work (or after having a beer at the bar), and stays with me until it is time to go to work again the next day. We don't talk about the end anymore. I don't bring it up anymore. He never brought it up in the first place. I guess I don't bring it up because there is nothing left to say--except "I WILL GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU," but if I haven't said that yet, I probably never will. It wouldn't make a difference anyways.

So, can I actually say that I am resigned, once an for all, that the end will come and I can't stop it? It looks that way, mainly because we haven't fought in weeks. Me fighting with him was always really just me fighting for US. Now I seem to have given up.

The only thing that he is doing these days to make me angry is that he always walks in on me when I am writing on here. He knows that I have a blog--but that is all he knows. He doesn't know anything else about it. Lately, he has been asking me a lot about it. I always tell him to just let me have my privacy. I know that if he really wanted to find it, he could. He would just have to go into my computer history when I am not home. I think that he will respect my privacy. I would be devastated if he read any of this. It is just like having someone read your diary--especially since this has replaced my written journals. It is just too much information for him to have. He doesn't need to know everything I think and feel.

Maybe a fresh start in a new city will be exactly what I need. Far away from him. I can just forget that this whole year happened--until I finally reach a point where I can look back on it fondly, rather than with feelings of sadness and loss. Once I leave here, I am going to stay completely single for a good long while. NO MORE pseudo-relationships, and no real relationships until I spend some good, quality-time with MYSELF. I need to work on ME, so that I stop getting into these "friends-with-benefits" situations. This is my THIRD. Time to learn and break the habit.