Hot Hot Hot

I can't handle this apartment. It is like an oven.

I took yesterday off. I didn't really have a choice. I could barely think straight enough to read a novel, so thesis work didn't really seem like an option. I am much more well rested today.

My Mom got some sad news yesterday. Her best friend from high school's husband was killed in a motorcycle accident on Friday. I think I only met him once or twice (they live in California, so we only see them occasionally--my Mom's friend and her kids stayed with us once for a whole summer when I was about 8, which was fun because her daughter was about my age, but I don't think I've seen the kids since then. I have seen my Mom's friend more often than that--but I digress). I feel awful for all of them. The cops are still sorting out what happened--apparently there was a tractor-trailer involved, and they think another vehicle that left the scene. My Mom called her friend when she heard, and she is apparently still numb, but anxious for all of her family and friends to leave her house so she can be alone. Understandable.

That sent my Mom on a "we need to appreciate life" kick--which I agree with. Her version of appreciating life? Moving forward with her formerly tentative plans to buy tickets for a cruise for her, my dad, my brother, his boyfriend, me, and a guest of my choice. It will probably be sometime next year. I wonder who the "guest of my choice" will be? I guess it is too soon to know. Not HIM. I know that much.

Every now and then, I have a moment with him where I actually see the upside of not being with him past August. Last night, I had one (or a few) of those. He didn't do anything horrible--it was more just his general behavior. I have had a few nights like last night with him. I have never given the full story of what happened between me and him before I started writing on here. I started writing in... March? Well, December was a particularly dramatic month, and pretty much everything before December was tumultuous. Late December was when we settled into what we are now. From September to mid-December it was much much rockier. I will get around to telling the early part of my "relationship" with him sometime soon. But for now, I will just say that until December, I had a lot more moments like the one I had last night.

Last night, we watched another movie when he finished his work for the day, and I made us dinner. I finally convinced him to clean up some of his mess in my apartment, which was a good start to our evening. The movie ended and we switched to TV. My lower back had been killing me all day (maybe from standing at the concert the whole night before). Since I always rub his back, I figured he would be willing to return the favor. I asked him and he said, "[Sigh] Fineee." Lame. I hardly ever ask him to do it, so he could just agree without the attitude, or say no. But he did rub me, and it was nice. When he finished, I sat back down to read my novel/watch TV, and he turned to me and said, "Now will you rub me?" Seems like a fair enough request, right? But I rub him ALL the time. This one time I asked him to rub me, and he just can't stand to do it without getting something in return. But in the spirit of avoiding a pointless fight, I did it. I mentioned to him that his reaction to my request for a rubbing had bothered me, and he claimed he was just joking around. It didn't seem like he was joking, but I let it go. When I was done, I sat back down and continued reading. About five minutes later he turned to me and asked if I would make him waffles (he claims I make them better than he does--which is only because he is too impatient to let the waffle cook fully). Normally, I don't mind making them. It doesn't take long, and it makes him happy. But it really annoyed me how everything was about what I could do for HIM, once again. So I made them, but then just spent the rest of the evening sitting at my computer, looking at things online. I didn't feel like being next to him.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it just made me think about how SELFISH he can be. I mean, look at our whole situation in general! It is all about what he needs, what he wants, what he is comfortable with. Look at how he acts with papers and his thesis--he bounces ideas off of me for hours, and then acts like a jerk when I try to do the same. I cook, I do the dishes, I do way too much for him. If I was with him long-term, our whole relationship would be about HIM.

I didn't see any point in telling him that I was peeved last night or talking about it. It just would have caused another fight, where he would have admitted that he was selfish, we would have gone to our separate corners and cooled off, and everything would go back to normal. There is no point in fighting anymore.

He is at work now, and will be working on his thesis when he gets home. I need to hit the thesis hard today too. I don't feel like seeing him much today, which is precisely how it will work out with both of us revising all day.

Maybe later today or tomorrow I will get around to the story of S. That will be a hard one for me. So will P, which will be after S. Then it gets easier with M, and finally HIM. It will be good to get all of those things out. I never even wrote in a diary/journal about what happened with S or P. Not directly anyways. But for now, the only writing I should be doing is my thesis. Just a few more days and I will be done.