Everything But Me

I am in a mood. I just snapped at him, but left his apartment to avoid a fight.

I woke up today and worked on my thesis. He called me around 2PM and asked if I wanted to meet him at the bar for a beer. It was a bit early to be drinking, but I needed a break from my thesis, so I went. When he got there, he was clearly stressed out. He told me about how stressful work is, about how worried he is about his thesis, and about how nervous he is about the job search. As he was going on about everything that is bothering him, I couldn't help but think, He is stressed out about a lot of things... everything but me. It sounds ridiculous, right? Why should he be stressed about me? It just seems like the one thing that doesn't bother him is the fact that we are almost DONE. We are talking a month or less left here. I seem to matter less than even the smallest things in his life. His job is more like a paid internship--nothing he plans to do permanently, and something that he will definitely only be doing until he finishes his thesis. It started as a work study job, and really has no bearing on his future career. But he seems to even stress out more about THAT than our situation.

When we left the bar, we went to the grocery store. When we got home, I asked him if we were eating the food we bought for dinner or lunch. He kind of snapped at me a little bit--like he was annoyed that I had asked. So I just went into my own apartment, made myself lunch, worked on my thesis more, and left him alone.

I went into his apartment a few minutes ago to get a beer and he asked if I was mad at him. I told him not really, but that I was slightly annoyed that he had snapped at me. He said he knew, blamed it on thesis stress, and apologized. He told me to sit down. I could feel my bad mood lifting a little bit. I sat down... and he immediately turned back to his computer screen and kept working. Why on earth would you ask me to sit down if you just planned on going straight back to work? He knows that I absolutely hate it when he does that. He can never seem to stop himself from doing it though. So I just quietly got up and headed for the door. I wasn't going to start a fight about it, but I definitely wasn't going to sit there and watch him work. He turned around and asked what I was doing. I said, "I am not going to sit here and watch you work. Why would I do that?" He asked if I was hungry. I told him that I already ate lunch (since he never answered my question earlier about which meal the food was for), and left. I know he could tell I was in a bad mood by that point--but at least I avoided a fight. Of course he didn't come after me. He never does.

Last night, I did the most masochistic thing ever. That is probably what started this mood in the first place. I read the old text messages that he sent when he and his ex-girlfriend were still together. He knew I was doing it, so it wasn't like I was snooping. I regretted it almost immediately. They said everything that I have ever wanted him to say to me. Example: "I love you my beautiful best friend," and "you are mine and I am yours. Love." It just hurts to know that he is capable of commitment, of expressing his emotions, and of giving himself to someone else. I shouldn't have looked at them. They made me feel so small and insignificant.

I don't think I want to work on my thesis anymore today. I think I am just going to read my novel and try to erase this mood. It really isn't worth fighting about. I refuse to fight anymore. I will just do my own thing until I am out of this funk.