Pissy

I am in a shitty mood. I guess it started to head in that direction yesterday, so that is where I will start.

There was rain in the forecast yesterday, so instead of going to the lake, we decided to go to an art museum downtown. We spent a good four hours there, and it was really nice. He was cranky off and on all day, but I could handle it, since I knew that he got up earlier than he was used to. I just took it in stride, and avoided conflict.

We got out of the museum around 4:30, and hadn't eaten anything all day. We found this German restaurant/bar near the museum. He wanted to drink a few beers before deciding anything about food. We wound up sitting at the bar for 2-3 hours. I actually didn't mind, because we were still having a good time. After 2 1/2 beers, I was fairly tipsy and started getting moody. It is inevitable when I drink with him. The whole alcohol-as-truth-serum syndrome. We were talking about restaurants, and he mentioned a fairly expensive one that we probably shouldn't spend the money on. When I pointed out the money issue he said, "Well, maybe when our parents come to move us out, we can all go." That little reminder of the inevitable end was enough to put me in a funk. I didn't get all-out moody though. I realized that if I did that I would bring his mood down too. So I tried to keep as upbeat as possible. But, of course, I am so bad at hiding my emotions and he could clearly tell that I was upset. To make matters worse, I was starting to get really, REALLY hungry--which usually turns me into a cranky bitch.

We finished our drinks and went to catch the train home. By the time we got back, I was starving, and in a full out pissy mood. I pretty much just went silent and unresponsive on him. I guess it is better than having a loud meltdown. We picked up food and came back to my apartment. We ate, and my mood improved pretty much right away. Of course, his mood had gone downhill with all of my crankiness. I spent the rest of the night trying to get him out of his bad mood. Eventually we went to sleep.

When we woke up today, his mood seemed better, but he was still a little cranky. I was feeling okay--until I called my Mom to say happy birthday. My Mom started bothering me AGAIN about what I am doing after the summer, where I am going to be, etc, etc. It is seriously driving me crazy. I am already stressed out enough about it. Having her on my back is only making it harder for me to get my ass in gear with this job search. The stress almost paralyzes me. So that shot me right back down into a bad mood. When my mood first started, he was attentive, and tried to comfort me and talk to me--exactly what I do for him when he is in a bad mood. Then I asked him to go to the store with me (I knew he needed stuff too, and I didn't feel like buying all of my stuff and his stuff). He agreed, but was visibly irritated by the fact that I had asked him to come to the store, and also to return the movies, which HE rented on MY Blockbuster account, and which were already several days overdue. Basically, he was being really childish about the whole thing. That pissed me off even more.

We got to the plaza with the grocery store, and he told me that he was just going to go to Walgreen's and buy cigarettes and then return the videos. I thought he would be going to the store with me. But, whatever, I could deal with it. So I asked him what he wanted for food. He said that he didn't know. He wouldn't come up with any ideas for dinner at all. I wanted to buy something then, because I didn't want to have to run back out to the store later when he finally decided what he was in the mood for. For some reason, his unwillingness to even come up with an idea made me mad. I said, "You know, I handle your bad moods a lot better than you handle mine," which is completely true. He said, "Yeah, you're right, it is completely uneven," and then walked away from me. I fucking hate it when he walks away from me.

Yes, I know that I should not have taken my bad mood out on him like I did. I know that I could have handled all of that better--but I'm not really sorry, because what I said was completely true. When he is in a bad mood, I do whatever it takes to help him out of it. I make him meals, I give him back rubs, I watch movies that I have absolutely no desire to watch because he wants to see them, I go to the store for him to buy whatever he is in the mood for, I listen to his problems for as long as he wants to talk about them--I do anything and everything to make him feel better. He obviously doesn't do the same for me. He could have just fucking told me what he wanted me to buy for dinner. I wasn't asking him to buy it, or cook it, or shop for it--just give me a damn suggestion. Seriously.

So that is where it is at right now. I am pissed off. And I know that it goes deeper than this little incident. I am angry at him in general. Last night, when we were at the bar, he went to the bathroom and I was just sitting there spacing out. I just kept thinking, I am so angry with him. He doesn't value me. He doesn't deserve me. He is going to regret letting me go. It probably isn't even true, but I couldn't help thinking it. I am ANGRY. And he keeps saying things that make it hurt more.

The other night, we were watching a movie, The Other Boleyn Girl. In response to one of the scenes of the movie he said, "It must be really hard to have sex with someone you don't love." That, of course, implies that he doesn't do that. That he only has sex with women he loves. It implies that he loves me. And it hurt me. Because it is unfair. Because it doesn't change anything. Because things like that are the closest he ever comes to actually saying that he loves me. Because this whole situation is FUCKED.

This damn situation with him is all I can think about. I feel like shit. I need to look for a job, but I really couldn't care less about that at the moment. I just hurt. I guess it all comes down to him never really showing me that he cares. Not saying it, not handling my bad moods, not being the first one to try to end a fight, not fitting me into his future--not doing the things that really matter.

But that is just how it is. I can't change it. I just need to deal with it. I know I just need to toughen up. I will just read a nice novel today and try to relax. I will worry about the job search tomorrow.