Must Be Productive

I am getting a late start today, but I still have to be productive. I finally settled on buying something online for my Mom, so I don't have to worry about going downtown to shop. Luckily I know her clothing sizes at several stores and am pretty good at judging what she likes. We will see when the package gets to me. It should be to my apartment on Wednesday, then I have to turn around and express ship the clothes, card, book, and other little odds and ends to my Mom immediately, so they make it in time for her birthday.

The plot thickens with P. He called yesterday in the early evening when I didn't have my phone on me. I expected it to take him more than a day to call (if he called at all), but as usual, when it comes to men I clearly have no idea what I am talking about. He left a message asking if I wanted to go out to a bar with him later that night. I got the message a few hours later, but didn't call back. I needed time to think about what to say. The part of this whole situation that is really messed up is that the only person I can ask about this is HIM. I swear I didn't do it to rub it in his face--I just really didn't know what I could say to P when I called him back. HE wasn't overly helpful, although he did try. I think I will call P later today. I will apologize for not calling back last night. He will probably ask when I am free to do something, and I will tell him that until I get my thesis draft in on July 11, I am stuck in my apartment. That is mostly true, and it buys me time. I still can't figure out if that is the wrong thing to say, or if I am doing something wrong with this whole situation. It is not like there is anyone I can talk to about it--so, once again, this situation will be an exercise in independence. I am getting good at those. As for HIM--he is clearly still jealous, but I think he realizes that I don't actually want to date anyone, so he is not being annoying about it.

Things with him are still good. He has definitely repaired the "distance" thing that was driving me nuts for weeks. No walls anymore. It is really nice. But the whole situation is also starting to hurt more lately. I'll give you an example:

Last night, we were laying in my bed. He had already fallen asleep and I was reading my novel by flashlight. My mind started to wander from what was on the page. I started thinking about the fact that neither of us know exactly what day we will be leaving these apartments, this city, each other--we have no idea how much time we have left. It won't be much more than a month though. I realized (like I often do), that in less than two months, he will be out of my life. Probably for good. This guy that I sleep next to almost every night will be gone, and I have no idea how many nights we have left. It didn't make me want to cry. It was just this deep, dull, throbbing ache. It almost made it hard to breathe. Would it be better if I knew exactly how many days/nights we have left? I know I should enjoy the time we have now and not think about the end, but as it gets closer and closer it becomes more real. And I feel like I am alone in the way that I feel. He claims that things don't hit him until they happen. But how can he not feel the same sense of impending doom that I do?

Those are the kinds of thoughts I've been having a lot lately. I feel haunted by them almost constantly. And all I can think over and over is: Ask me to come with you wherever you go next year. Ask me to come with you, and I will. And when I'm not thinking that, I think: As soon as we leave here, he will realize that he misses me horribly and call me and ask me to be with him. Pretty unhealthy fantasies. When am I going to learn to give up?

For the moment, I should focus on my thesis. So I will take a shower and hit the books. I will call P sometime this evening. I am definitely dreading that, but I got myself into this and I have to get myself out. And as far as HE goes--I guess I just keep going on like I am now. What else is there to do? It is so hard to focus on schoolwork when I feel like my personal life is a disaster (of my own making). I wish I had R, or K, or someone besides HIM to talk to. I think I need to try to put my life into perspective. I have it pretty damn good in the big scheme of things. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. My heart is still breaking.