It's Gonna Be One Of Those Days

Yes, I feel the need to post again today. I am pissed. I went in to check on him about a half hour ago. He kept drinking long after I stopped last night, so I went in to see if he needed water/food and to make sure that he wasn't drowning in a puddle of his own vomit. His door was locked, but I have a key, so I let myself in. I just wanted to pop in for a second and make sure he was alive.

I went over to the bed, where he was sleeping--or at least laying--and asked him if he was okay and if he needed any water or anything. Instead of simply answering "no thanks," or "i'm fine," he took a really nasty tone with me and said, "no, I just want to sleep." It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it. It was as if I had gone in there and said, "wake up now," or something like that. He was clearly pissed. So that set me off. I headed straight for the door and as I stepped out I said, "You know, I was just checking on you. You woke me up three times this morning, so you really have nothing to be pissy about. Calm the fuck down." And then I closed his door and came home. Seriously, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and see if he needed anything. My god, how dare I do that--I am such a monster.

I am still simmering down. I am so fucking patient with all of his crap. I didn't snap at him when he woke me up three times this morning. And you know, it is not just this incident. He has been moody in general lately. I know that he is stressed about his job search--but I AM TOO. He needs to grow the fuck up.

He has also been pissing me off with a "warning" that he has been giving me perpetually lately. He keeps saying, "I am not very good at keeping in touch." Oh super! So not only are you dropping me without a second thought when this year ends, but you are also not going to bother to keep in touch with me. You know what? It is probably for the best. I will probably get over him faster having no contact with him. It just pisses me off because it is another reminder of how little I matter to him when it comes down to it. He can't make the slightest bit of effort for me. It is always all about him. Selfish bastard.

The worst part about all of this is that as angry as I am with him, about immediate issues and the deeper problems, I still love him in a way that I cannot explain. I would drop everything if he told me that he wanted me to go with him wherever he goes next year. And that just makes me angry at myself. Do I have any self-respect? Why can't I control my emotions?

I think what it comes down to, is that I can see how good it could be if we didn't have this expiration date. When it is good with us, it is amazing--and 90% of our fights are about the fact that this is going to end in August. I just can't help but to feel that if we didn't have this August thing hanging over our head, we would be this amazing, happy couple. I know that most of my bad moods with him spring from the fact that I feel rejected or cast aside by him. If I didn't feel like that, we would hardly ever fight. It reminds me of this part of the movie You've Got Mail (not a cinematic masterpiece, but c'mon that movie is adorable and actually littered with pretty profound lines if you pay attention), where Joe is talking to Kathleen after they've become friends. It is right toward the end of the movie when she is about to go meet her internet guy--Joe knows that he is actually her internet guy, but Kathleen doesn't yet. Anyways, Joe is talking to her on the sidewalk, right before she goes up to her apartment to get ready for her date. He is talking about how if he had not put her bookstore out of business, and they had met under different circumstances, they might have started dating and fallen in love. He says something like, "And the only thing we would have to fight about would be what movie to rent on a Saturday night." That line has been popping into my head lately. Kind of like how a song can get stuck in your head. I just so deeply feel that line right now--if that makes any sense.

I guess that is just another example of me turning to books, movies, or anything else I can to make sense of my own life. Does everyone do that? I always have. Sometimes fiction is the only thing that helps me deal with fact. I find quotes, or songs, or pictures that I can relate to and cling to them like life preservers. Knowing that someone else felt something like what I feel is the only thing that helps sometimes. Thank goodness for art--written, cinematic, visual, etc--I would feel so alone without it.