Nervous

I meet with my MA thesis advisor at 3 today to hear his comments about my draft. He is an expert on my topic. I am not. Pretty much not looking forward to this, but I just have to bite the bullet and do it.

When he finally woke up the other day (around 6pm!), he did not realize that he had been so nasty to me. He said he was sorry, and that he had actually been glad to see me. The wacky sleeping hours had his emotions going kind of loopy. He started crying, and I could not stay mad at him. We spent the rest of the day watching movies and relaxing.

I applied for another job yesterday. I guess I will keep plugging away at them one job at a time. I think I would go nuts if I tried to do them all in one day. Hopefully one of them pans out. I still haven't talked to my Dad about not wanting to move out on August 8, but I did talk to my Mom about it (she is not quite as frantic about picking a move-out date as my Dad) and I think they are going to ease off of me a little bit.

So, it is Friday. Which is just like every other day of the week for me now. The days are going by incredibly fast, and they all kind of blur together. At least once a day I have a moment of panic where I realize that this will all end very soon. Then I push it out of my mind and try to enjoy it while it lasts. I can't let anger consume the little time we have left. We have just grown so close to each other. I know it is going to hurt like hell. I know that this was what he was trying to prevent the whole time. We eat our meals together, we sleep at my apartment together every night now, and we spend most of the rest of the time together too. Our lives are just completely intertwined now. I can't imaging the hole that is going to be there when he is gone.

It makes me wonder (again) why he doesn't want this to continue. Is it for the reason he says? He always claims that it would just be too hard to try to stay together at this point in our lives (especially considering that neither of us want long-distance relationships) and that he needs to be selfish right now and focus on himself. Or is it worse? Is it that he just wants to see who else is out there? Is it that he knows he doesn't love me like I love him? Does he think I'm not good enough?

I guess it really doesn't matter. It has the same outcome either way. I just have a deep fear that this will be D part two. I was in love with D for almost 10 years before I finally got over him. Sounds impossible considering I am only 23, but it's true. I fell in love with him in 7th grade--I was 12 or 13--and it didn't shut off until the summer before I came here. Of course I dated other people in that time, but I didn't really love any of them looking back. None of them stacked up to D in my heart or mind. I can't spend the next 10 years hung up on HIM. How do I stop that from happening?

I should shower and get ready for my meeting. Maybe after I shower I will write the long story of D here. I don't think I have ever given the whole thing.