Research in the Rain

It is pretty stormy out, but I am still going to go to the library downtown. I am actually happy that it is raining--it cools things off a bit. And it also feels pretty good to be awake at a decent time, even though I probably could have slept for another several hours. I have been having scary dreams anyways--probably from the types of movies we've been watching. Last night it was The Mist, which was kind of a sci-fi/horror movie based on a Stephen King novella. More than anything, it was actually downright depressing. Not really what one expects from that type of movie.

He got his first bite on a job application. I am happy for him, but again have the obvious feelings about the end coming near. If he winds up in this job, he will probably be in Wyoming or South Dakota. I applied for two more jobs yesterday. It is really just a waiting game for me. He and I do completely different types of work and are going through a completely different application process. I am most likely going to end up in California, New York, or the D.C. area. If I am ever hired. My Mom told me that the general rule is that for every $10,000/year you are looking to make, it will take a month to find a job. I am not really searching by salary, but most of the jobs I am looking at make $35,000-40,000/year. Four months according to my Mom's rule. We'll see if that holds true. Maybe I will have to be back with my parents for a little bit before I find a job. At least I am finally applying.

I had a dream last night that I was engaged to him. It was the last dream I had before I woke up. I remember some of what he said when he asked too. He said, "I know that I never told you I loved you early-on, but I think you know that I did. I loved you the whole time." I hate dreams like that. I hate waking up from them. My mind enjoys playing fun little games with my heart.

I really am calmer about everything though. I don't really have a choice. I am enjoying the time we spend together, and managing to keep my bad moods in check fairly well. I guess I feel a little calmer now because I really know the end is inevitable. This is going to be a strange analogy, but it was like this time that I was in the car with my Mom and my great aunt. My Mom was driving, and my great aunt was sitting in the passenger's seat. I was sitting in the back. I was maybe 16. We were on the highway driving along--good weather, no reason to suspect that something would go wrong. All of a sudden, an 18-wheeler about ten cars ahead of us turned completely sideways. Cars started to smash into it immediately. I remember broken glass hitting our windshield--little pieces, almost like raindrops. Everything started to move in slow-motion. I remember seeing the pile of cars getting bigger and bigger as we got closer to it. I felt completely calm. My only thought was, we are going to hit that. I wasn't afraid, I was just certain that it was going to happen. At the last second, my Mom managed to swerve (mainly through sheer luck and instinct), through a small opening in the breakdown lane. We were one of the only cars that managed to get around the wreck without becoming part of it.

I have never forgotten that feeling of certainty and calm. I like knowing that if I ever am in a horrible accident, I won't have to worry about being afraid or panicked when it happens. And I guess I have something like that feeling of calm and certainty in this situation with him--except with a small twisting, aching feeling in my chest, which I guess must be--sadness? Regret? I can't quite place it. So it is not quite the same thing, but I am still managing to remain a lot calmer than I was when I thought there was still hope for this "relationship" lasting. The inevitability of the situation ending is like a sedative.

I guess I should shower and head out. This thesis isn't going to revise itself. I think I can put in a good four hours or so at the archive today.