The Story of A (cont)

A was going to college close to home, and he wound up having a really hard time adjusting to school. A was probably the smartest person I have ever met, but he had trouble motivating himself to show up to class and complete assignments. He was clearly depressed. Over the phone, I would try to talk to him, make him feel better, and convince him to go to class, but there wasn't much I could do. A was in and out of school all year, giving up and moving back home, then going back--he went back and forth several times. By the end of the year, he was back at home for good, working the night shift at a department store.

I had a very different college experience. I enjoyed it almost right away. I made friends, I went to parties--I basically worked hard to make living 12 hours away from home easier for myself. I went to all of my classes, and had a pretty busy schedule.

A and I started to run into problems pretty early. He was depressed and wanted to be on the phone with me a lot, and I was trying to adjust to a new school in a new state, and could not sit in on the phone with him every night. I tried to give him enough time, but I felt like he never thought it was enough. We just needed different things. It was also really my first time going to parties and drinking, and he definitely didn't like me out with other guys hitting on me and trying to drunkenly make out with me. We had more fights than I can even remember. Still, he came to visit me twice that year, and I saw him a lot when I was home for holidays. We somehow made it to the end of the year intact.

Over the summer, I got a job at a local Target, and he was still working the night shift in another store. We still saw each other a lot. We had another great summer. In some ways, I think that it rejuvenated our relationship. We really needed that summer together.

When it came time for me to go back to school, trouble started up again almost immediately. The same old fights. I wanted to spend my Saturday night out with friends, and he wanted me to spend it on the phone with him. He was depressed, and I didn't know how to handle that. I started pushing him away. By the time Christmas break rolled around, we had taken a break, agreeing to see each other when I was home. When I called him, he didn't want to see me. I guess we had both been pushed to our breaking points. He ended it for good.

It was a hard breakup for me. We had had a pretty emotionally charged relationship. We fought about me going out with friends, about him not going to classes, and also about him becoming friends with my ex-best friend. He went to school with her (before he dropped out). They knew each other a tiny bit from high school. E and I had been inseparable from 9th-12th grade. We had a huge falling out toward the end of high school (I was dating S, she had an equally psychotic boyfriend--long story short, we had a big fight and stopped speaking). When he got to college, he became friends with E--like eat-lunch-with-her-everyday friends. After I wrote her a letter trying to bury the hatchet, and he told me she'd gotten it but wasn't going to respond, I could not stand knowing that he was hanging around her. It was so painful to know that he was eating lunch with her, or hanging out with her, when she refused to try to put our past behind her. He didn't seem to understand why it hurt me so much. So, we fought about that a lot too.

After A and I broke up, I cried for days--maybe even weeks. I was devastated. I had cared about him a lot. We were together during a very difficult, transitional time. I think the timing is really what killed us. We were so angry at each other by the end, that we haven't spoken since. I think it was hard for him too. There was just so much baggage left over from our relationship--I don't think we were capable of remaining friends. After we broke up, he would drunkenly IM my roommates on random nights. One of them had to ask him to stop on my behalf. It was too painful for me.

I am still sad that A and I couldn't remain friends. I really have nothing but respect for him. Unfortunately, I don't think he thinks of me as fondly. It just wasn't a good time to be in a long distance relationship. It still weighs heavy on my heart sometimes. Every now and then, I think about him and miss him. In a different time, we could have been great together.