His computer came home yesterday, but he asked if he could sleep at my apartment anyways. Last night will be the last time he sleeps here until at least Saturday night. He has conference prep. tomorrow, and the conference until Saturday night. I am still so nervous about him seeing his ex. He is going out for drinks with her and a group of people they both know (they all met during a job related to their field of study) at least one night. He may bring her back here to show her his apartment. I know that he is the type who wants to remain friends with his exes. Which is fine. Healthy. Mature. But they only broke up in August, and that scares me. Especially since they haven't seen each other since. Like any normal person, he obviously wants her to see how well he has been doing since they broke up. I just hope that he at least mentions me. It is out of my hands.
I am stressed out about my schoolwork, I am stressed out about HIM, and I am stressed out about figuring out what to do after I graduate. I don't want August to be the end for me and him. I want to fight for him--for us--but I just don't know if I should, or if I can deal with the possible negative consequences of doing so.
We still haven't talked about our conversation from Saturday night. It isn't the right time for me to bring it up (if I bring it up at all), because he is completely wrapped up in pre-conference stress right now. I need to think more about if I actually want to bring it up anyways, and what I would hope to accomplish by talking about it.
My class trip next week will be good for me. I need to get out of town and get some perspective.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Meh
He is sleeping in my bed right now. I am playing with fire, writing here while he is ten feet away. He has no idea that I have a blog. Sometimes I secretly hope that he will stumble across it and read everything that I've felt/feel, but most of the time I know that it is best that he doesn't know about this.
His conference is from Thursday to Saturday. He hasn't mentioned me going again, so I guess he wasn't serious. Which is fine, because I have a midterm due Friday at midnight. I need to get cracking on that today. Where has my motivation gone this year? I am still nervous about him seeing his ex at the conference. I am afraid that they will spark. I guess I can't do anything about it, so I should just not think about it.
His computer is supposed to come back today. We will see how that changes things. He has essentially been living with me for two weeks. Maybe it is best that we get our separate spaces back. It is becoming difficult to remind myself that he isn't actually mine. It sure feels like he is.
One class today, then I need to get a lot of reading done. I need to NOT read PSC message boards (since that is how I do most of my procrastinating these days).
My Kettle Chips are gone. Must... not... buy... more. In fact, I shouldn't even go to the store--it would be far too tempting.
Shower, class, read... away we go...
His conference is from Thursday to Saturday. He hasn't mentioned me going again, so I guess he wasn't serious. Which is fine, because I have a midterm due Friday at midnight. I need to get cracking on that today. Where has my motivation gone this year? I am still nervous about him seeing his ex at the conference. I am afraid that they will spark. I guess I can't do anything about it, so I should just not think about it.
His computer is supposed to come back today. We will see how that changes things. He has essentially been living with me for two weeks. Maybe it is best that we get our separate spaces back. It is becoming difficult to remind myself that he isn't actually mine. It sure feels like he is.
One class today, then I need to get a lot of reading done. I need to NOT read PSC message boards (since that is how I do most of my procrastinating these days).
My Kettle Chips are gone. Must... not... buy... more. In fact, I shouldn't even go to the store--it would be far too tempting.
Shower, class, read... away we go...
Monday, April 28, 2008
On a Lighter Note...
Lest it seem like all I EVER do is complain (since I really only use this space to vent), I felt compelled to write when I was in a non-ranting mood for a change.
Lightly Salted Kettle Chips: BEST. CHIP. EVER. Normally I am not the girl to go for the gourmet-ish variety of any food. For instance, I can't really tell the difference between Franzia wine (yes, the kind that comes in a box) and a fifty dollar bottle of wine. But Kettle Chips... MY GOD... I don't know if I will ever be able to eat a regular old potato chip again. I would love to meet the evil genius that created this delightful snack. As the package says: "simple, salt-kissed perfection." I think I could pretty much eat them morning, noon, and night. Every meal. I shit you not. These little suckers may be the cause of some serious weight gain for me if I'm not careful. I think they may be laced with crack or something. After this bag is gone, I will not buy another bag for... a week... heh.
Haircut: Finally got one! Just a trim, but my hair feels so much better. I love getting my hair cut. Although, I do not enjoy making awkward conversation with the hairdresser. We don't HAVE to talk. I am up for it if we gel well, but let's not force it. The dentist is worse of course. How DO they expect you to talk with all of those instruments in your mouth?...
PostSecret: Fabulous. I have also been reading the postsecret community message boards since they went up. I finally signed up for an account about a month ago, but I hardly ever post. I just lurk and read what everyone else says. Truth is, I am quite shy about things like that. I enjoy writing here because I like the POSSIBILITY that someone might read it, but I know that I am probably the only one who ever sees these posts. On the PostSecret community, people read and respond to what you say. It is wonderful that there is such an open and supportive place out there, but I feel like I am personally better off ranting somewhere where I don't feel like I am burdening anyone with my "problems." I feel like a lot of people on PSC need the support of others more than I do, and I wouldn't want to take attention from the posters who genuinely need help from the advice-giving members. Nonetheless, reading the stories of people on there does help me feel less alone in many of my fears, worries, and sadnesses. I like blogging here, because I just like putting all of my worries out there, somewhere in cyberspace, and hoping that someday somebody might read them and relate to them. This blog definitely helps stop me from overburdening my real life friends with my drama. I am very happy about that. I hate feeling annoying or needy. And I am sure that they have their own daily dramas to deal with. So in short, I love reading PSC and writing here in my isolated little blog.
A Nap: Would be lovely right now. But I don't have time for one. I have been home for an hour and haven't done any homework yet. Time to get on that...
Lightly Salted Kettle Chips: BEST. CHIP. EVER. Normally I am not the girl to go for the gourmet-ish variety of any food. For instance, I can't really tell the difference between Franzia wine (yes, the kind that comes in a box) and a fifty dollar bottle of wine. But Kettle Chips... MY GOD... I don't know if I will ever be able to eat a regular old potato chip again. I would love to meet the evil genius that created this delightful snack. As the package says: "simple, salt-kissed perfection." I think I could pretty much eat them morning, noon, and night. Every meal. I shit you not. These little suckers may be the cause of some serious weight gain for me if I'm not careful. I think they may be laced with crack or something. After this bag is gone, I will not buy another bag for... a week... heh.
Haircut: Finally got one! Just a trim, but my hair feels so much better. I love getting my hair cut. Although, I do not enjoy making awkward conversation with the hairdresser. We don't HAVE to talk. I am up for it if we gel well, but let's not force it. The dentist is worse of course. How DO they expect you to talk with all of those instruments in your mouth?...
PostSecret: Fabulous. I have also been reading the postsecret community message boards since they went up. I finally signed up for an account about a month ago, but I hardly ever post. I just lurk and read what everyone else says. Truth is, I am quite shy about things like that. I enjoy writing here because I like the POSSIBILITY that someone might read it, but I know that I am probably the only one who ever sees these posts. On the PostSecret community, people read and respond to what you say. It is wonderful that there is such an open and supportive place out there, but I feel like I am personally better off ranting somewhere where I don't feel like I am burdening anyone with my "problems." I feel like a lot of people on PSC need the support of others more than I do, and I wouldn't want to take attention from the posters who genuinely need help from the advice-giving members. Nonetheless, reading the stories of people on there does help me feel less alone in many of my fears, worries, and sadnesses. I like blogging here, because I just like putting all of my worries out there, somewhere in cyberspace, and hoping that someday somebody might read them and relate to them. This blog definitely helps stop me from overburdening my real life friends with my drama. I am very happy about that. I hate feeling annoying or needy. And I am sure that they have their own daily dramas to deal with. So in short, I love reading PSC and writing here in my isolated little blog.
A Nap: Would be lovely right now. But I don't have time for one. I have been home for an hour and haven't done any homework yet. Time to get on that...
Dreary
The weather is not pleasant today. Dark, dreary, and cold (compared to how warm it has been). I have a busy week ahead of me, and as usual I didn't accomplish much this weekend. I have a midterm due on Friday. I SHOULD go back to the downtown library on Friday too. When HE heard about the midterm and my need to go back to the library, he was disappointed. I couldn't figure out why. It turns out he was hoping that I would go to the conference (at least I think he was serious...). He has to moderate a session, and is nervous. Plus, he is nervous in situations where he has to mingle (like dinners and cocktail parties). There will be a few of those. I am surprised that he wants me there. Maybe I will go.
We haven't talked about what was said on Saturday, aside from him saying, "You were pretty upset." I guess we are going pretend like it didn't happen. I was a bit tipsy. Maybe he actually said, "I'M FALLING in love with you," and not "I'VE FALLEN in love with you." Not much of a difference I guess, but one really means "I may end up in love with you," while the other says, "I AM in love with you." I am pretty sure he said the latter. But the fact that we haven't talked about it makes me wonder if I heard wrong. I mean, saying that is a BIG deal. Shouldn't this change everything? I guess if I want to know what he actually said/meant I will have to bring it up. I am hesitant to do that. I have been rocking the boat a lot lately. He seems rather un-phased by the whole thing. But I guess I probably seem pretty nonchalant to him too. Neither of us has brought it up, and for now it will stay that way.
He is still sleeping here. And yes, his computer is still in the shop. He expects it back today or tomorrow. As much as I sometimes want my own space and time to myself, I have grown quite accustomed to having him hear. I like being with him and sleeping with him. He keeps telling me that when it comes back he wants us BOTH to switch to his apartment (so he can smoke). Who knows what we are doing anymore.
We are having a guest in the class I have today. A historical figure who is pretty famous in the field that I study (obviously modern history). I am nervous. And with the nasty weather, I don't know what to wear that will look nice and still keep me warm. I guess that is a minor problem.
We haven't talked about what was said on Saturday, aside from him saying, "You were pretty upset." I guess we are going pretend like it didn't happen. I was a bit tipsy. Maybe he actually said, "I'M FALLING in love with you," and not "I'VE FALLEN in love with you." Not much of a difference I guess, but one really means "I may end up in love with you," while the other says, "I AM in love with you." I am pretty sure he said the latter. But the fact that we haven't talked about it makes me wonder if I heard wrong. I mean, saying that is a BIG deal. Shouldn't this change everything? I guess if I want to know what he actually said/meant I will have to bring it up. I am hesitant to do that. I have been rocking the boat a lot lately. He seems rather un-phased by the whole thing. But I guess I probably seem pretty nonchalant to him too. Neither of us has brought it up, and for now it will stay that way.
He is still sleeping here. And yes, his computer is still in the shop. He expects it back today or tomorrow. As much as I sometimes want my own space and time to myself, I have grown quite accustomed to having him hear. I like being with him and sleeping with him. He keeps telling me that when it comes back he wants us BOTH to switch to his apartment (so he can smoke). Who knows what we are doing anymore.
We are having a guest in the class I have today. A historical figure who is pretty famous in the field that I study (obviously modern history). I am nervous. And with the nasty weather, I don't know what to wear that will look nice and still keep me warm. I guess that is a minor problem.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Expect the Unexpected
Friday night ended up being a bust. It poured and two people canceled, so me and the only other person who showed up just watched a movie and chatted. I was pretty tired from my day at the library anyways (yes, I actually went).
LAST NIGHT, him and I had our evening out. I am still absorbing everything that was said last night. We went downtown around 4, and went and had drinks at a place with a gorgeous view of the city. We left there tipsy and headed for our dinner reservation. All was well, until we sat down to eat. He pointed at a picture on the wall (of Venice) and said "I want to take you there." Now, being hormonal, I got upset and said that that was never going to happen because I knew that I wouldn't see him again after the year ended anyways. We went back and forth on that point, when all of a sudden, he said, "I've fallen in love with you." I excused myself and went to the bathroom. When we left the restaurant, we walked along a scenic route. I let it alllll out. I explained why I was upset, and I choked out that I've fallen in love with him. He said, "Didn't you hear me back at the restaurant? I've fallen in love with you too." Then I cried a little, and vomited. I composed myself, and we went to two more places, and drank and danced. I talked to him about the fact that I am nervous that his ex is coming to the conference, and he assured me that he has no interest in rekindling anything, and that he is "with [me] now." I switched to drinking water at some point, but he got DRUNK. Eventually we made our way home (via public transportation of course) and went to bed. He is still asleep (in this room).
Needless to say, I am still processing all of that. I don't know if I should talk to him more about it, or let it be. I don't know if what was said even changes anything. I guess he felt that way before last night, so it probably doesn't. And by "I've fallen in love with you," he did mean that he IS IN LOVE WITH ME, right? It sounds like a dumb question, but I just find it hard to believe. If that is true, then why aren't we trying to make this work? I have a lot to think about.
LAST NIGHT, him and I had our evening out. I am still absorbing everything that was said last night. We went downtown around 4, and went and had drinks at a place with a gorgeous view of the city. We left there tipsy and headed for our dinner reservation. All was well, until we sat down to eat. He pointed at a picture on the wall (of Venice) and said "I want to take you there." Now, being hormonal, I got upset and said that that was never going to happen because I knew that I wouldn't see him again after the year ended anyways. We went back and forth on that point, when all of a sudden, he said, "I've fallen in love with you." I excused myself and went to the bathroom. When we left the restaurant, we walked along a scenic route. I let it alllll out. I explained why I was upset, and I choked out that I've fallen in love with him. He said, "Didn't you hear me back at the restaurant? I've fallen in love with you too." Then I cried a little, and vomited. I composed myself, and we went to two more places, and drank and danced. I talked to him about the fact that I am nervous that his ex is coming to the conference, and he assured me that he has no interest in rekindling anything, and that he is "with [me] now." I switched to drinking water at some point, but he got DRUNK. Eventually we made our way home (via public transportation of course) and went to bed. He is still asleep (in this room).
Needless to say, I am still processing all of that. I don't know if I should talk to him more about it, or let it be. I don't know if what was said even changes anything. I guess he felt that way before last night, so it probably doesn't. And by "I've fallen in love with you," he did mean that he IS IN LOVE WITH ME, right? It sounds like a dumb question, but I just find it hard to believe. If that is true, then why aren't we trying to make this work? I have a lot to think about.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
PMS
Major PMS. I feel so... blech. I am worried, anxious, tired, cranky, angry, and sad--all rolled into one. My MA thesis is stressing me out, because I haven't really worked on it at all. I have to go to the stupid library downtown tomorrow. I am not as excited about going out tomorrow night, because K is probably not going. I am going out Saturday night with him (he made reservations at an Italian place because the cabaret is closed), but I still fear that something may go wrong (since something always does).
Yesterday, him and I went to the bar on our way home from campus. "Girl who has a boyfriend but still wants him" came by and had a drink with us. I think I can officially change her name to C. I actually like her. And I don't think she wants him at all anymore. She seems very happy with her boyfriend. I am confident that her and HIM are just friends. So that is good. But something that HE said while we were at the bar really upset me. C is moving soon, and HE asked why she is not moving in with her boyfriend. C said that they have only been dating for 3 months, and she thinks it is too soon. He then said something like, "I am not rational when it comes to relationships. I moved to Canada for a girl (the ex)."
WhatwhatWHAT?! Not rational?! EXCUSE ME???!!! He has been NOTHING but rational since this whole thing started with us. He keeps talking about bad timing and fear of getting hurt. Then he says THAT?! I talked to him about it later. He apologized for the fact that it hurt me. I didn't ask him for more of an explanation, but he told me, "I have changed a lot since then." I guess that is reasonable. People change. But STILL. It makes me feel disposable. Defective. Like if I was special enough, he wouldn't be able to be rational. I just feel so insignificant.
I know that my hormones are not helping matters, but I need to figure this out. I am so confused. As usual. I guess a day at the library tomorrow and a night out will do me well. At the moment, I just don't really want to be around him. I need to figure out if I still want this. I keep finding new reasons to question the whole situation. And now that he sleeps here every night, and eats here, and reads here, etc, etc, etc, I am so IN the situation that I can't get any perspective on it. I need to get away. Or something.
The one good thing that has happened between yesterday and today was that I got a good grade on that paper I was worried about. I am relieved. And happy. I should focus on that. Focus on the good.
Yesterday, him and I went to the bar on our way home from campus. "Girl who has a boyfriend but still wants him" came by and had a drink with us. I think I can officially change her name to C. I actually like her. And I don't think she wants him at all anymore. She seems very happy with her boyfriend. I am confident that her and HIM are just friends. So that is good. But something that HE said while we were at the bar really upset me. C is moving soon, and HE asked why she is not moving in with her boyfriend. C said that they have only been dating for 3 months, and she thinks it is too soon. He then said something like, "I am not rational when it comes to relationships. I moved to Canada for a girl (the ex)."
WhatwhatWHAT?! Not rational?! EXCUSE ME???!!! He has been NOTHING but rational since this whole thing started with us. He keeps talking about bad timing and fear of getting hurt. Then he says THAT?! I talked to him about it later. He apologized for the fact that it hurt me. I didn't ask him for more of an explanation, but he told me, "I have changed a lot since then." I guess that is reasonable. People change. But STILL. It makes me feel disposable. Defective. Like if I was special enough, he wouldn't be able to be rational. I just feel so insignificant.
I know that my hormones are not helping matters, but I need to figure this out. I am so confused. As usual. I guess a day at the library tomorrow and a night out will do me well. At the moment, I just don't really want to be around him. I need to figure out if I still want this. I keep finding new reasons to question the whole situation. And now that he sleeps here every night, and eats here, and reads here, etc, etc, etc, I am so IN the situation that I can't get any perspective on it. I need to get away. Or something.
The one good thing that has happened between yesterday and today was that I got a good grade on that paper I was worried about. I am relieved. And happy. I should focus on that. Focus on the good.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
When? Huh? What Day?
Another hump day. We are supposed to get our papers back in class today. For real this time. That always makes me dread class a little. I prefer to write things and then forget about them.
I am meeting him after class to take pictures of him on campus for his grandfather. He said, "Don't be mad if I forget." Forget? How could he forget? I am doing this for HIM. HIS pictures, for HIS grandfather. It is his problem if it doesn't happen. Plus, it is not too hard to remember. I don't know why he thinks he would forget. And I will be mad if he forgets.
K can't come out with me and the other girls I am going out with on Friday. She has too much work to do. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to having her there. I am sure I will still have fun, but it would be more fun if she went. I am hoping that she miraculously finishes all of her work early and decides to come.
HE asked me if we are still on for dinner Saturday. I said, "Yes, if you make the reservations." He claims that he will. We'll see.
I might get a haircut today. That always makes me feel good. And I can feel myself slipping into the world of PMS, so I could use the boost.
Off to class--fingers crossed about my paper...
I am meeting him after class to take pictures of him on campus for his grandfather. He said, "Don't be mad if I forget." Forget? How could he forget? I am doing this for HIM. HIS pictures, for HIS grandfather. It is his problem if it doesn't happen. Plus, it is not too hard to remember. I don't know why he thinks he would forget. And I will be mad if he forgets.
K can't come out with me and the other girls I am going out with on Friday. She has too much work to do. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to having her there. I am sure I will still have fun, but it would be more fun if she went. I am hoping that she miraculously finishes all of her work early and decides to come.
HE asked me if we are still on for dinner Saturday. I said, "Yes, if you make the reservations." He claims that he will. We'll see.
I might get a haircut today. That always makes me feel good. And I can feel myself slipping into the world of PMS, so I could use the boost.
Off to class--fingers crossed about my paper...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Thinking Too Much
Class turned out fine yesterday, and we didn't get our papers back, so no major trauma there.
Sunday night, him and I had a conversation that upset me. What else is new? I am going downtown this Friday with some female friends to hit some bars and clubs. We are getting all dressed up and having a girls night. I think it should be fun. Him and I were joking around on Sunday night and he said something that prompted me to JOKINGLY ask him if he would be mad if I had sex with another guy on Friday. He, in all seriousness, responded that it might bother him, but to be sure to use a condom if I do. WHAT?! 1) I was only joking. I would not want to have sex with another guy, and 2) how could that not bring a stronger reaction from him?! So I told him that his response upset me, because I would be PISSED if he even kissed another girl. He thought for a few minutes and basically changed his answer. He said that he wouldn't really know how it would affect him unless it happened, that he was actually quite sure that he would NOT be okay with it, and that he gave his original answer in part because he didn't want me to think that he was trying to control me. Still, that stung. Am I that unimportant to him that he wouldn't care what I did with another guy?
Well, I got over that. He tells me over and over that I mean a lot to him, etc, etc. So I guess I can choose to believe him or choose not to believe him. I will choose to believe him for now. So on to the next incident that upset me...
Last night, we were laying in bed watching TV. He got up and got a few slices of cheese out of the fridge and wanted me to eat them with him. I am not a big fan of cheese on its own. In a sandwich, on pizza, on a cracker--great. By itself--ick. But he really, REALLY wanted me to, so I took a bite. I asked him why he wanted me to eat it so badly, and he said it is because he likes it when I like the things that he likes. That is when I remembered an email that he drunkenly sent to his ex-girlfriend earlier in the year. He let me read it. It said "I miss eating cheese with you." So I brought that up, and said that I don't want him to use me to fill a space. He brushed it off and said that that was not what he was doing, etc, etc. I still couldn't shake the specter of THE EX for the rest of the night.
And more on this ex: Even though she is not going to stay with him during that conference she is coming to, she is still coming to the conference. He will be at the conference too. Yuck. I don't feel great about that. It will be the first time they've seen each other since they broke up. The conference is May 1-3. I am sure there will be cocktail hours and dinners and all sorts of social gatherings. Super.
I am still waiting to hear from him about dinner reservations for this Saturday.
On a happier note: May 8-12 I am taking a trip with one of my classes that I am pretty excited about. Plus, it will be good to get out of the city. Now I just have to try to catch up/keep up with all of my class work. It never ends.
Sunday night, him and I had a conversation that upset me. What else is new? I am going downtown this Friday with some female friends to hit some bars and clubs. We are getting all dressed up and having a girls night. I think it should be fun. Him and I were joking around on Sunday night and he said something that prompted me to JOKINGLY ask him if he would be mad if I had sex with another guy on Friday. He, in all seriousness, responded that it might bother him, but to be sure to use a condom if I do. WHAT?! 1) I was only joking. I would not want to have sex with another guy, and 2) how could that not bring a stronger reaction from him?! So I told him that his response upset me, because I would be PISSED if he even kissed another girl. He thought for a few minutes and basically changed his answer. He said that he wouldn't really know how it would affect him unless it happened, that he was actually quite sure that he would NOT be okay with it, and that he gave his original answer in part because he didn't want me to think that he was trying to control me. Still, that stung. Am I that unimportant to him that he wouldn't care what I did with another guy?
Well, I got over that. He tells me over and over that I mean a lot to him, etc, etc. So I guess I can choose to believe him or choose not to believe him. I will choose to believe him for now. So on to the next incident that upset me...
Last night, we were laying in bed watching TV. He got up and got a few slices of cheese out of the fridge and wanted me to eat them with him. I am not a big fan of cheese on its own. In a sandwich, on pizza, on a cracker--great. By itself--ick. But he really, REALLY wanted me to, so I took a bite. I asked him why he wanted me to eat it so badly, and he said it is because he likes it when I like the things that he likes. That is when I remembered an email that he drunkenly sent to his ex-girlfriend earlier in the year. He let me read it. It said "I miss eating cheese with you." So I brought that up, and said that I don't want him to use me to fill a space. He brushed it off and said that that was not what he was doing, etc, etc. I still couldn't shake the specter of THE EX for the rest of the night.
And more on this ex: Even though she is not going to stay with him during that conference she is coming to, she is still coming to the conference. He will be at the conference too. Yuck. I don't feel great about that. It will be the first time they've seen each other since they broke up. The conference is May 1-3. I am sure there will be cocktail hours and dinners and all sorts of social gatherings. Super.
I am still waiting to hear from him about dinner reservations for this Saturday.
On a happier note: May 8-12 I am taking a trip with one of my classes that I am pretty excited about. Plus, it will be good to get out of the city. Now I just have to try to catch up/keep up with all of my class work. It never ends.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday Already?
Sunday was an improvement on Saturday, but I set my alarm wrong today and lost 2+ hours of reading time that I had set aside this morning. Now I have no choice but to go to class unprepared. At least it is a gorgeous day outside--around 70 degrees and sunny.
His shit is EVERYWHERE. He has basically moved in. Now he doesn't just sleep here, he spreads his STUFF alllllllllll over my apartment. But honestly, I do like having him here. And I've stopped with the whole "he's just here because of my TV paranoia." He has started referring to me as his "lady," to me and to other people. I guess it's something. I guess I will just live with the situation.
I can't help think about D (the guy I was in love with from ages 12-22). I think that the best thing that I EVER did with D was when I wrote him a letter telling him that I loved him (when we still saw each other). It didn't change the situation, but I can honestly say that I NEVER regret having given him that letter. I sometimes feel that I should just tell the new guy that as well. He is only the second person (D being the first) that I have ever really loved. I will think about it.
I am dreading class. We get a paper back today. And like I said, I overslept and am unprepared for class discussion. Oh well.
His shit is EVERYWHERE. He has basically moved in. Now he doesn't just sleep here, he spreads his STUFF alllllllllll over my apartment. But honestly, I do like having him here. And I've stopped with the whole "he's just here because of my TV paranoia." He has started referring to me as his "lady," to me and to other people. I guess it's something. I guess I will just live with the situation.
I can't help think about D (the guy I was in love with from ages 12-22). I think that the best thing that I EVER did with D was when I wrote him a letter telling him that I loved him (when we still saw each other). It didn't change the situation, but I can honestly say that I NEVER regret having given him that letter. I sometimes feel that I should just tell the new guy that as well. He is only the second person (D being the first) that I have ever really loved. I will think about it.
I am dreading class. We get a paper back today. And like I said, I overslept and am unprepared for class discussion. Oh well.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Rainy Day
Him and I watched a couple of movies last night. We woke up today to find it raining. We had decided to reschedule last night's downtown trip for tonight, but when he saw the rain, he bailed. I got upset. Not mad, but disappointed and upset. It is always something. I am starting to feel like he is never going to take me out. He ended up feeling bad and offering to go after all, but I didn't want to feel like I was twisting his arm. We then decided to go out to dinner tonight instead of our original plans, but he is in danger of over-drawing his checking account, and did not like my two suggestions that A) we go do something that requires little or no money or B) that I pay. He insisted that he wants to take me somewhere nice AND pay. So SUPPOSEDLY we are going out next Saturday, after he deposits some checks in his account. He said that he is going to make reservations at a nice restaurant/cabaret downtown. I hope it actually happens. I just want to go OUT with him for a change.
I have been incredibly unproductive this weekend, and I have absolutely no energy. I think I have to start eating better. As a result of my physically feeling like crap, I am a little cranky. I washed literally every plate and bowl in my apartment today (at least half of which he dirtied). My printer is out of paper and ink because he has been using it to print reading assignments for his classes (his computer is still broken). And my apartment is a disaster (most of the mess is HIS). I am trying really hard not to snap at him. I did tell him that from now on, if he uses dishes, he needs to wash them. He is also going to buy me more printer paper and ink.
I think I just need to eat a good dinner. That will make me feel better. No need to snap at him. He is trying.
I have been incredibly unproductive this weekend, and I have absolutely no energy. I think I have to start eating better. As a result of my physically feeling like crap, I am a little cranky. I washed literally every plate and bowl in my apartment today (at least half of which he dirtied). My printer is out of paper and ink because he has been using it to print reading assignments for his classes (his computer is still broken). And my apartment is a disaster (most of the mess is HIS). I am trying really hard not to snap at him. I did tell him that from now on, if he uses dishes, he needs to wash them. He is also going to buy me more printer paper and ink.
I think I just need to eat a good dinner. That will make me feel better. No need to snap at him. He is trying.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Spent
He was still pissed when he woke up. We talked it out. The fight is over. But I am not going downtown. He is not going downtown. Now I just feel tired... blank... unmotivated... numb. Going to stay here and read for class.
Exhausted...
...On so many different levels. We had a big fight again last night. When I got back from dinner last night, he wasn't here. So I went and knocked on K's door, and we went to get drinks. I happened to get back from drinks at the exact time that he got home. We hung out at his apartment. I told him that I wanted to do something tomorrow (today), and he agreed. We decided to go bowling downtown, and get food and drinks. Everything was good. Then all hell broke loose.
He said he wanted to play his guitar, which I was completely fine with. It somehow turned into a discussion of where he would sleep. He asked again why I think he only comes over for the TV, and I explained it to him. Everything was still fine. I was calm, resigned, quiet. I didn't pick a fight, I didn't throw accusations, I just sat calmly and let him go about his business. And then he freaked out. Apparently he interpreted my quietness as passive aggressiveness. He freaked out about how I never believe that he cares about me, and that I make him feel like a bad person. He was really, really mad. Like wouldn't even let me finish a sentence mad. Eventually, I got him to listen to my explanation of why I was being quiet. I told him that I was actually calm, and that I was trying not to pick another fight with him. He calmed down, and as soon as it had started, it was over. He said "lay down, let's go to sleep." He went from yelling to snoring in seconds. I came home and slept at my own apartment.
Now I am awake because I have to go to the stupid library. I don't know if he is meeting me downtown like we decided before the fight. I am pretty sure he is still asleep, but I know that he has to work at some point today, and I don't know if he set an alarm. So basically, I am not sure if I should wake him up. And I want to know if he is coming to meet me downtown after his class. I think I will go over there in a few minutes and just wake him up and ask him if he needs to be up for work, and if he is meeting me downtown.
I am exhausted from our fight, tired of everything, and not happy about going to the library. I feel like... roadkill? I don't even know.
He said he wanted to play his guitar, which I was completely fine with. It somehow turned into a discussion of where he would sleep. He asked again why I think he only comes over for the TV, and I explained it to him. Everything was still fine. I was calm, resigned, quiet. I didn't pick a fight, I didn't throw accusations, I just sat calmly and let him go about his business. And then he freaked out. Apparently he interpreted my quietness as passive aggressiveness. He freaked out about how I never believe that he cares about me, and that I make him feel like a bad person. He was really, really mad. Like wouldn't even let me finish a sentence mad. Eventually, I got him to listen to my explanation of why I was being quiet. I told him that I was actually calm, and that I was trying not to pick another fight with him. He calmed down, and as soon as it had started, it was over. He said "lay down, let's go to sleep." He went from yelling to snoring in seconds. I came home and slept at my own apartment.
Now I am awake because I have to go to the stupid library. I don't know if he is meeting me downtown like we decided before the fight. I am pretty sure he is still asleep, but I know that he has to work at some point today, and I don't know if he set an alarm. So basically, I am not sure if I should wake him up. And I want to know if he is coming to meet me downtown after his class. I think I will go over there in a few minutes and just wake him up and ask him if he needs to be up for work, and if he is meeting me downtown.
I am exhausted from our fight, tired of everything, and not happy about going to the library. I feel like... roadkill? I don't even know.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wasting Time
I feel better than I felt this morning. I suggested that instead of "movie night" my movie friends and I go out to dinner, and they were for it. HE is not home yet. He had a big class presentation today. I would imagine that he is at the bar. I am glad I am going out to dinner soon. What annoys me is that I spend days helping him mentally prepare for these projects and helping him through temporary losses of self confidence and attacks of nervousness, and then as soon as he is done and doesn't need my help anymore he is less eager to see me.
He needs to take me out... to eat... to a movie... anything. I feel like he only spends time with me IN, with the exception of the occasions when we go to the bar together. I want a DATE. To be honest, I've earned it. I think I will just tell him that I want to go out with him. To somewhere other than the neighborhood bar. I will tell him next time I see him. Which might be tonight depending on how long he drinks for...
I am still not looking forward to going downtown tomorrow, but I have to go, so there is no use wasting my time thinking about it. Maybe if I talk to him about it tonight, I can convince him to go out with me tomorrow night. That way I will at least have something to look forward to while I am looking at reel after reel of microfilm all day. Here's hoping...
He needs to take me out... to eat... to a movie... anything. I feel like he only spends time with me IN, with the exception of the occasions when we go to the bar together. I want a DATE. To be honest, I've earned it. I think I will just tell him that I want to go out with him. To somewhere other than the neighborhood bar. I will tell him next time I see him. Which might be tonight depending on how long he drinks for...
I am still not looking forward to going downtown tomorrow, but I have to go, so there is no use wasting my time thinking about it. Maybe if I talk to him about it tonight, I can convince him to go out with me tomorrow night. That way I will at least have something to look forward to while I am looking at reel after reel of microfilm all day. Here's hoping...
Bitch-fest Thursday
Well, he is still sleeping here. Last night he asked me "How many nights in a row have I slept here?" I said, "I don't know. A lot." And he asked, "Do you still think I'm just here because of the TV?" I responded that I thought that was part of why he was here, but that "I guess we will find out when your computer is fixed." He responded that when his computer is fixed we will BOTH start sleeping at his house on some nights, because he can smoke over there (I don't smoke, and he doesn't smoke in my apartment), but that he is here 98% because he enjoys being/sleeping with me and 2% because of the TV. So that basically confirmed for me that he IS here because of my TV. Hear me out:
When he sleeps at his apartment, he doesn't ask me to stay. He doesn't ask me to leave, but it is also not a foregone conclusion that I will be sleeping there. I have always felt that he doesn't care if I am sleeping there or not. Nights that I have watched dvd's on his computer with him and then left to sleep over here he seldom asked me to stay there, and he never leaves with me to sleep at my apartment. As long as his computer is working, he could take me or leave me. I do believe that he likes spending time with me, but not as much as he claims to. He talks now like we always spend every night together and that it is just a matter of WHERE we spend it, but that is really not true. Before his computer broke we slept in the same bed 3-4 nights a week, max. It has been every night now for... a week? More? I don't even remember. For as long as his computer has been broken. Coincidence? I think not.
I have to go downtown to the library tomorrow. I didn't go last week, and I really really don't want to go tomorrow, but I have to. Or I should. And I will. But I know I won't enjoy it. AND I just remembered that I tentatively committed to "movie night" for tonight. Blech. Why did I do that?
I am annoying today. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
When he sleeps at his apartment, he doesn't ask me to stay. He doesn't ask me to leave, but it is also not a foregone conclusion that I will be sleeping there. I have always felt that he doesn't care if I am sleeping there or not. Nights that I have watched dvd's on his computer with him and then left to sleep over here he seldom asked me to stay there, and he never leaves with me to sleep at my apartment. As long as his computer is working, he could take me or leave me. I do believe that he likes spending time with me, but not as much as he claims to. He talks now like we always spend every night together and that it is just a matter of WHERE we spend it, but that is really not true. Before his computer broke we slept in the same bed 3-4 nights a week, max. It has been every night now for... a week? More? I don't even remember. For as long as his computer has been broken. Coincidence? I think not.
I have to go downtown to the library tomorrow. I didn't go last week, and I really really don't want to go tomorrow, but I have to. Or I should. And I will. But I know I won't enjoy it. AND I just remembered that I tentatively committed to "movie night" for tonight. Blech. Why did I do that?
I am annoying today. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Better
I survived my Monday surprisingly well. Somewhere between my last post and class, I decided that I was going to try to think positive and turn my day around. Shockingly, it worked! I was not a zombie in class, and actually participated in the discussion, and I did well on my quiz. It is amazing how much changing my attitude changed my day. Tuesday wasn't so bad either. After today, my week gets easier. So I guess things are looking up!
He is still sleeping here. He hasn't slept at his own apartment since... I don't even remember. I like him being here, but I am still suspicious that it is just because of his computer (which is still not fixed). I guess there is nothing I can do at this point. I asked him if it was because of his computer--he said no. I think I asked him at least twice. So I either tell him to sleep at his house, or be fine that he is sleeping here and stop questioning him.
He calls me from campus pretty much every day now and asks me: "What should we have for dinner? Should I pick anything up on the way home?" He uses "we" a lot. Yesterday he told me that he likes having someone to come home to. That should have made me feel good, but it just made me feel like I serve a purpose in his life, and that it doesn't matter that it is ME he comes home to. I know that he would tell me I was being ridiculous if I told him that. I don't want to be someone who just temporarily fills a void in his life.
So basically, he has moved in, and I am suspicious of his motives--as usual. Time to read and get ready for class.
He is still sleeping here. He hasn't slept at his own apartment since... I don't even remember. I like him being here, but I am still suspicious that it is just because of his computer (which is still not fixed). I guess there is nothing I can do at this point. I asked him if it was because of his computer--he said no. I think I asked him at least twice. So I either tell him to sleep at his house, or be fine that he is sleeping here and stop questioning him.
He calls me from campus pretty much every day now and asks me: "What should we have for dinner? Should I pick anything up on the way home?" He uses "we" a lot. Yesterday he told me that he likes having someone to come home to. That should have made me feel good, but it just made me feel like I serve a purpose in his life, and that it doesn't matter that it is ME he comes home to. I know that he would tell me I was being ridiculous if I told him that. I don't want to be someone who just temporarily fills a void in his life.
So basically, he has moved in, and I am suspicious of his motives--as usual. Time to read and get ready for class.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Instead of Reading...
... I am writing on here again. Who am I kidding? My brain is shot from lack of sleep. I am not going to absorb any more of that reading before class.
So I took another peak at the email from his ex to him. Wow, she was PISSED. And her main grievance was him reading her email. Oh the irony. But really, I think this email puts some things in focus for me. He clearly did not want out of that relationship, she did. It was clearly very rocky at the end. He clearly turns a little crazy when he is in a relationship (but who doesn't?). All of this helps me understand why he isn't up for a relationship right now.
My last relationship was peaceful. My most recent ex was such a great guy. He treated me better than any guy I have ever dated (and probably better than any future guys will treat me). He loved me and supported me and never really did anything to make me legitimately angry. It makes me sound like an idiot for breaking up with him, doesn't it? But there was just no spark with me and him. I came to realize that I did not love him the way he loved me. It was hard, but I left. It was the right thing to do--for me and for him.
Now I have found someone that I do spark with. I have fallen in love for the second time in my life. But I am in love all by myself. His most recent relationship looks like it was heavy on the sparks, but short on the peacefulness. Mine was the opposite. And it hurts. While I was reading the email from his ex, I couldn't help but feel that it was unfair that he took a chance with her and not me. I kept feeling that it must be because I don't measure up to her in some way. Was she prettier than me? Smarter? More fun to be around? More well spoken? More mature? Sexier?... I just can't help but to feel inadequate when I know that he is capable of commitment, and just chooses not to give it to me. Has he sized me up and decided that I am not as good as she was?
I am having a nice little pity party for myself here. The two times I have been in love, I have gotten the same "I don't want a relationship right now" crap, and the guys who have truly loved me, I haven't really loved back. It must be some kind of cruel cosmic justice. I feel broken. Used. Defective. I have never been in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. Will it ever happen? Am I doing something wrong? I really tried to love my ex like he loved me. I tried for well over a year. The same with the exes before him. I have had three serious relationships with guys that truly loved me. I have had two "friends with benefits" relationships with guys that I truly loved.
But I guess it is time to stop whining and go to class, where I expect I will be a useless zombie, who doesn't participate in class discussion.
So I took another peak at the email from his ex to him. Wow, she was PISSED. And her main grievance was him reading her email. Oh the irony. But really, I think this email puts some things in focus for me. He clearly did not want out of that relationship, she did. It was clearly very rocky at the end. He clearly turns a little crazy when he is in a relationship (but who doesn't?). All of this helps me understand why he isn't up for a relationship right now.
My last relationship was peaceful. My most recent ex was such a great guy. He treated me better than any guy I have ever dated (and probably better than any future guys will treat me). He loved me and supported me and never really did anything to make me legitimately angry. It makes me sound like an idiot for breaking up with him, doesn't it? But there was just no spark with me and him. I came to realize that I did not love him the way he loved me. It was hard, but I left. It was the right thing to do--for me and for him.
Now I have found someone that I do spark with. I have fallen in love for the second time in my life. But I am in love all by myself. His most recent relationship looks like it was heavy on the sparks, but short on the peacefulness. Mine was the opposite. And it hurts. While I was reading the email from his ex, I couldn't help but feel that it was unfair that he took a chance with her and not me. I kept feeling that it must be because I don't measure up to her in some way. Was she prettier than me? Smarter? More fun to be around? More well spoken? More mature? Sexier?... I just can't help but to feel inadequate when I know that he is capable of commitment, and just chooses not to give it to me. Has he sized me up and decided that I am not as good as she was?
I am having a nice little pity party for myself here. The two times I have been in love, I have gotten the same "I don't want a relationship right now" crap, and the guys who have truly loved me, I haven't really loved back. It must be some kind of cruel cosmic justice. I feel broken. Used. Defective. I have never been in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. Will it ever happen? Am I doing something wrong? I really tried to love my ex like he loved me. I tried for well over a year. The same with the exes before him. I have had three serious relationships with guys that truly loved me. I have had two "friends with benefits" relationships with guys that I truly loved.
But I guess it is time to stop whining and go to class, where I expect I will be a useless zombie, who doesn't participate in class discussion.
Rough Night...
... and it didn't have anything to do with him for once. I tossed and turned until AFTER 5 AM! RIDICULOUS. And I have the busiest day today. I have a paper due and a book discussion at 1:30, then the insane reading quiz from hell to take before midnight tonight, which means that from the time I get out of class until God-knows-when I have to READ. I am so tired I can barely think. Nothing like no choice.
He slept here again. And every night since his computer broke. He is bringing it in to get it looked at today. I am curious to see if when the computer is fixed, he starts sleeping at home. You already know my prediction...
He let me read the final email that his ex sent him before they broke up. It was long, and I felt a bit strange reading it with him over my shoulder, so I may take a closer look later. But interestingly, it looks like SHE broke up with HIM. He definitely told that story the other way around. I also found out from him that she is NOT coming to stay with him when (and if?) she is in town. I don't know what happened, but I am very relieved. Honestly though, the more I get glimpses of stories he has told me from the other person's point of view, the more I feel like he is a smooth talker. This is not the first time where a story he's told me has basically matched up, except for a discrepancy in who actually did what. I think he edits his stories creatively a lot. Good to know.
Well, I have 3 hours to edit a paper, read over 100 pages, shower, and get ready for class. I would laugh if I wasn't so tired...
He slept here again. And every night since his computer broke. He is bringing it in to get it looked at today. I am curious to see if when the computer is fixed, he starts sleeping at home. You already know my prediction...
He let me read the final email that his ex sent him before they broke up. It was long, and I felt a bit strange reading it with him over my shoulder, so I may take a closer look later. But interestingly, it looks like SHE broke up with HIM. He definitely told that story the other way around. I also found out from him that she is NOT coming to stay with him when (and if?) she is in town. I don't know what happened, but I am very relieved. Honestly though, the more I get glimpses of stories he has told me from the other person's point of view, the more I feel like he is a smooth talker. This is not the first time where a story he's told me has basically matched up, except for a discrepancy in who actually did what. I think he edits his stories creatively a lot. Good to know.
Well, I have 3 hours to edit a paper, read over 100 pages, shower, and get ready for class. I would laugh if I wasn't so tired...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
So Much To Do...
Well, things blew over very quickly with HIM. He came home later on Friday and acted like nothing had happened. We spent most of Saturday together, which means I didn't get much work done. Now I am in homework hell. I feel overwhelmed. I know it is my fault for spending so much time obsessing over the mess with him rather than working. As my mother always says: "I wasted time and now doth time waste me." I am in a bad mood. He can tell. He wants to make me feel better. I just don't feel like talking to him about any of it.
Part of it is still him. I am hurt that he doesn't want more out of this. I am angry. I am pathetic for letting it continue. My apartment is a MESS, since there are pretty much two of us living in a small space. He leaves dirty dishes in my sink, clothes and wrappers and cups on my floor, and even though he told me last night that he would wash the dishes, they are still in my sink. And other things that I don't even feel like writing about...
Part of it is school. I feel behind and overwhelmed and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am spending so much money to be here, and I don't even know if it is worth it. I have no idea what I am doing when I finish here. My future is so uncertain. In the immediate future, I have a short paper due tomorrow for a professor that completely intimidates me, and I have a pretty difficult reading quiz for another class. I haven't come close to finishing all of the reading I have to do for that. I know it is my fault for procrastinating. But honestly, I am not usually a procrastinator. Usually I finish everything early. I just feel so down lately. It is hard for me to get things done. I am letting the situation with HIM affect my classes. That is very, very not good.
I just feel off today. And most days lately. I need to pull myself out of this funk.
Back to work I guess...
Part of it is still him. I am hurt that he doesn't want more out of this. I am angry. I am pathetic for letting it continue. My apartment is a MESS, since there are pretty much two of us living in a small space. He leaves dirty dishes in my sink, clothes and wrappers and cups on my floor, and even though he told me last night that he would wash the dishes, they are still in my sink. And other things that I don't even feel like writing about...
Part of it is school. I feel behind and overwhelmed and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am spending so much money to be here, and I don't even know if it is worth it. I have no idea what I am doing when I finish here. My future is so uncertain. In the immediate future, I have a short paper due tomorrow for a professor that completely intimidates me, and I have a pretty difficult reading quiz for another class. I haven't come close to finishing all of the reading I have to do for that. I know it is my fault for procrastinating. But honestly, I am not usually a procrastinator. Usually I finish everything early. I just feel so down lately. It is hard for me to get things done. I am letting the situation with HIM affect my classes. That is very, very not good.
I just feel off today. And most days lately. I need to pull myself out of this funk.
Back to work I guess...
Friday, April 11, 2008
Very Not Good
I had a terrible night last night--although it didn't start that way. He did go to take the prospectives out to dinner, but he actually called me when they finished eating to see if I wanted to go to the bar with him after. I did, and we played pool, had a few beers, and talked. On the way home he even picked me a flower. He was very sweet all night. So we came back and watched TV and ate at my house. I knew that I had let thoughts and feelings build up too much in my head, but I didn't quite expect the explosion that came out of me.
So at some point, he said something like "I am going to miss you so much when the year is over," or something like that. I started crying. Then out of nowhere I got incredibly angry. I think it came out of the fact that I feel like if we were actually a couple we wouldn't have to say "goodbye" at the end of the year. I felt everything that I have been thinking about bubbling up. I needed to talk right THEN. He wanted to sleep. He said, "we'll talk tomorrow." Of course that only pissed me off more. He should have cared that I was crying and upset. So I went off on him, saying, "why didn't you want to be with me? Why wasn't I enough for you? I don't believe it was about the timing. I think if the right person came along it wouldn't matter." And he responded with "I just don't want a commitment right now. It has nothing to do with you." Then he told me that I am just angry because I wanted more out of this from the beginning, but that I should stop throwing myself a pity-party. I didn't tell him that I love him--THANK GOD. So I kept at it and eventually he went over the edge and started yelling at me. He made like he was going to storm out. Being yelled at always makes me cry, so I started sobbing again.
You know, honestly, all I really wanted from the beginning of the "fight" was for him to sit up, stop looking annoyed, forget sleep for two minutes, and just hold me, look at me, wipe away a few tears... I just wanted to be comforted. Instead, he reacted with indifference and irritation. It really would not have escalated like it did if he had shown a little bit of compassion the first time I started crying. And I basically told him as much. He apologized, and did what he should have done in the first place. But by then, it just felt fake. So he slept here, and then this morning asked if I wanted to shower with him (we do that), but I said I wanted to keep sleeping. He is at work now.
I really wish his damn computer was working. I know he is going to have to come over to check his email and whatever else. I really, really, REALLY don't want to see him today. I just feel like crap. Why couldn't he care enough to say "screw sleep" for ten minutes and comfort me? That is all I needed. Instead he semi-ignored me, then got irritated with me, then yelled at me, and only THEN got around to the comforting part.
I am sure he really doesn't want to see me right now either. I was honestly very surprised that he asked if I wanted to shower with him this morning. I don't know what is going to happen now--if things will go back to normal, or if everything will change. It doesn't matter at this point. I know that I shouldn't be mad at him, because I started it last night, but I am. I feel like he handled it horribly. The fact that he wasn't willing to wake his ass up and give me ten minutes of time says so much more to me than anything that comes out of his mouth. So yes, I am pissed. I don't want to see him. I hope he just stays on campus and does work there so he doesn't have to use my computer. As for me? A day of cleaning and reading followed by movie night. At least I will be getting out of the building tonight.
So at some point, he said something like "I am going to miss you so much when the year is over," or something like that. I started crying. Then out of nowhere I got incredibly angry. I think it came out of the fact that I feel like if we were actually a couple we wouldn't have to say "goodbye" at the end of the year. I felt everything that I have been thinking about bubbling up. I needed to talk right THEN. He wanted to sleep. He said, "we'll talk tomorrow." Of course that only pissed me off more. He should have cared that I was crying and upset. So I went off on him, saying, "why didn't you want to be with me? Why wasn't I enough for you? I don't believe it was about the timing. I think if the right person came along it wouldn't matter." And he responded with "I just don't want a commitment right now. It has nothing to do with you." Then he told me that I am just angry because I wanted more out of this from the beginning, but that I should stop throwing myself a pity-party. I didn't tell him that I love him--THANK GOD. So I kept at it and eventually he went over the edge and started yelling at me. He made like he was going to storm out. Being yelled at always makes me cry, so I started sobbing again.
You know, honestly, all I really wanted from the beginning of the "fight" was for him to sit up, stop looking annoyed, forget sleep for two minutes, and just hold me, look at me, wipe away a few tears... I just wanted to be comforted. Instead, he reacted with indifference and irritation. It really would not have escalated like it did if he had shown a little bit of compassion the first time I started crying. And I basically told him as much. He apologized, and did what he should have done in the first place. But by then, it just felt fake. So he slept here, and then this morning asked if I wanted to shower with him (we do that), but I said I wanted to keep sleeping. He is at work now.
I really wish his damn computer was working. I know he is going to have to come over to check his email and whatever else. I really, really, REALLY don't want to see him today. I just feel like crap. Why couldn't he care enough to say "screw sleep" for ten minutes and comfort me? That is all I needed. Instead he semi-ignored me, then got irritated with me, then yelled at me, and only THEN got around to the comforting part.
I am sure he really doesn't want to see me right now either. I was honestly very surprised that he asked if I wanted to shower with him this morning. I don't know what is going to happen now--if things will go back to normal, or if everything will change. It doesn't matter at this point. I know that I shouldn't be mad at him, because I started it last night, but I am. I feel like he handled it horribly. The fact that he wasn't willing to wake his ass up and give me ten minutes of time says so much more to me than anything that comes out of his mouth. So yes, I am pissed. I don't want to see him. I hope he just stays on campus and does work there so he doesn't have to use my computer. As for me? A day of cleaning and reading followed by movie night. At least I will be getting out of the building tonight.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Tired
Well, he isn't home yet, which probably means that he is going to help take the prospectives out to dinner. He claimed he wouldn't be out late if he went (he has class tomorrow), but his track record suggests otherwise.
I tried to read after getting home from class, but ended up taking a nap instead. Now I am even more tired than I was before the nap. Isn't that always the way? I have to go back downtown tomorrow to the library and I am not looking forward to it. I also never emailed my movie friends suggesting to take movie night on the road. So it looks like we will just do regular old movie night.
I am feeling so crappy about HIM. I clearly have been for a long time--but it is getting worse. I want more out of this. I want him to want more. I am scared of the year ending and me not having told him that I love him. I am scared of telling him and having everything change. I love him. I miss him whenever he is not here. I feel a constant tightness in my stomach, chest, and throat when I think about the year ending and not seeing him anymore. I wish that I could tell him how I feel and then immediately make him forget it. It is building up and all of my feelings are coming dangerously close to the surface. The only thing keeping them in is writing about them here. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
I tried to read after getting home from class, but ended up taking a nap instead. Now I am even more tired than I was before the nap. Isn't that always the way? I have to go back downtown tomorrow to the library and I am not looking forward to it. I also never emailed my movie friends suggesting to take movie night on the road. So it looks like we will just do regular old movie night.
I am feeling so crappy about HIM. I clearly have been for a long time--but it is getting worse. I want more out of this. I want him to want more. I am scared of the year ending and me not having told him that I love him. I am scared of telling him and having everything change. I love him. I miss him whenever he is not here. I feel a constant tightness in my stomach, chest, and throat when I think about the year ending and not seeing him anymore. I wish that I could tell him how I feel and then immediately make him forget it. It is building up and all of my feelings are coming dangerously close to the surface. The only thing keeping them in is writing about them here. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Another Day
He slept here again last night. He was going to sleep at his house, but was feeling stressed out and didn't want to be alone. I am still feeling like it is my TV that has made him want to sleep here the last 3 nights.
Today is "girl who wants him but has a boyfriend"'s birthday. And she asked him to help her with activities for prospective students for our graduate program tonight. Tomorrow I have a day at the library downtown and then movie night. Saturday he is going to a conference all day. So I guess I get that time apart I have been looking for. The only thing that really bothers me is that he is so stressed out about all the reading he has to do, and what little time he has to do it, yet he is going to help that girl take prospectives out to dinner tonight. Probably downtown. Which means that from 5:30 until God knows when he will be out. He spent the better part of last night moping about all of the work he has to do and having me comfort him and talk to him. I put in so much time trying to make him feel better and he just throws away his time. On HER. Oh well, at least I get some time to myself. Except, of course, when he is over here checking his email. Which is often.
Shower, class, and then I am going to read all day. Unlike some people...
Today is "girl who wants him but has a boyfriend"'s birthday. And she asked him to help her with activities for prospective students for our graduate program tonight. Tomorrow I have a day at the library downtown and then movie night. Saturday he is going to a conference all day. So I guess I get that time apart I have been looking for. The only thing that really bothers me is that he is so stressed out about all the reading he has to do, and what little time he has to do it, yet he is going to help that girl take prospectives out to dinner tonight. Probably downtown. Which means that from 5:30 until God knows when he will be out. He spent the better part of last night moping about all of the work he has to do and having me comfort him and talk to him. I put in so much time trying to make him feel better and he just throws away his time. On HER. Oh well, at least I get some time to myself. Except, of course, when he is over here checking his email. Which is often.
Shower, class, and then I am going to read all day. Unlike some people...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Hump Day
He came over last night, a couple of hours after he got home. He was still mopey, but better. I asked him about his "bad day." Apparently nothing bad really happened, he was just in a nasty mood. He slept here again last night. Before he fell asleep I brought up the fact that he only seems to be sleeping here because his computer is broken and he likes to fall asleep to something (movie, TV show). He said, "If that was true, then why would I have you sleep at my house so often?" He claimed that he really just likes sleeping with me. But in reality, I don't sleep at his apartment every night. Usually on weekends, and on a few weekdays. We have only started sleeping together every night since his computer broke. Granted, it has only been two nights--but I would bet that he sleeps here tonight too, and that the second his computer is fixed he will stop sleeping here. I think that he doesn't mind me sleeping there when his computer is working, but that he doesn't really care if I am there or not. As always, I feel insignificant to him.
He and I both have class until 3 today. Then he has "500 pages of reading to do." I have a lot to do too. I need some time away from him. But he will be in and out of my apartment all evening to use my computer. I know that for a fact. Isn't it convenient for him that my TV and my computer both live next door to him?
He and I both have class until 3 today. Then he has "500 pages of reading to do." I have a lot to do too. I need some time away from him. But he will be in and out of my apartment all evening to use my computer. I know that for a fact. Isn't it convenient for him that my TV and my computer both live next door to him?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Boiling Point
I am reaching the end of my rope. He apologized about this morning, but it is still just the principle of it. I don't want him to apologize--I want him to be considerate and think of me once in awhile instead of ALWAYS putting himself first. I don't want him to buy me things, I don't want him to pay me compliments, I just want his time and occasionally a little effort. He has never done something for me that required the least bit of effort. He has never cooked me a meal, taken me out to dinner, or even offered to do the dishes (without me asking first). I just want a little reciprocity. Some indication that I really matter to him.
He just got home and he is in a terrible mood. His computer is broken and he "had a bad day." He was so short with me that I knew better than to ask what was wrong. Normally I would anyways, but I just don't have the energy anymore. I will leave him alone. I am always there for him. ALWAYS. This time I don't think I can do it.
He just got home and he is in a terrible mood. His computer is broken and he "had a bad day." He was so short with me that I knew better than to ask what was wrong. Normally I would anyways, but I just don't have the energy anymore. I will leave him alone. I am always there for him. ALWAYS. This time I don't think I can do it.
Testy
I guess I will get pissed at him about pretty much anything these days. He wanted to sleep here last night. I finally realized that it was because his computer is broken. He likes to watch dvd's or something while he is falling asleep. He doesn't have a TV. So he slept here so he could fall asleep to my TV.
So I set the alarm for an hour before I had to wake up, because he wanted to wake up earlier. I asked him to come wake me up an hour after he left since I was setting the alarm to his wakeup time. Instead of walking maybe ten feet from his apartment to mine he CALLED me. Wow, I just love being woken up by cell phone calls in the morning. I know it is a small thing to get pissy about, but REALLY. When he asks me to wake him up (days that I don't even sleep over there), I walk over there and nicely wake him up. I guess from now on I will just call him to wake him up.
He still won't leave me alone about what was wrong with me the other night. And he doesn't want to know because he is worried, he wants to know because I won't tell him and he is curious. I am going to FREAK OUT at him any second. I can feel it building up. Right now I want to go over there and give him a lecture about how much he sucks for calling instead of just coming over here. But he won't understand why I am upset.
He just never puts in any effort for me. That is what it all comes down to. I don't mean as much to him as he means to me. But I guess I've known that for a long time.
So I set the alarm for an hour before I had to wake up, because he wanted to wake up earlier. I asked him to come wake me up an hour after he left since I was setting the alarm to his wakeup time. Instead of walking maybe ten feet from his apartment to mine he CALLED me. Wow, I just love being woken up by cell phone calls in the morning. I know it is a small thing to get pissy about, but REALLY. When he asks me to wake him up (days that I don't even sleep over there), I walk over there and nicely wake him up. I guess from now on I will just call him to wake him up.
He still won't leave me alone about what was wrong with me the other night. And he doesn't want to know because he is worried, he wants to know because I won't tell him and he is curious. I am going to FREAK OUT at him any second. I can feel it building up. Right now I want to go over there and give him a lecture about how much he sucks for calling instead of just coming over here. But he won't understand why I am upset.
He just never puts in any effort for me. That is what it all comes down to. I don't mean as much to him as he means to me. But I guess I've known that for a long time.
Monday, April 7, 2008
I Suck (Again)
So I opted out of movie night. I asked my two movie companions if we could do it on Friday, and they were both okay with it. I feel guilty though. Honestly, Mondays are not good for me this term (last term we did a movie night every Monday). I have too much reading and papers due in the first half of my week most weeks. But I really COULD have made it. And honestly, this week it was more about wanting to watch the basketball game than having too much work to do. I don't want to do Friday every week either though. Here's why (this is the part where I suck):
Friday evenings are so relaxed. I have the whole weekend ahead, no papers due on most Saturdays or Sundays, and I can really enjoy whatever I am doing. Movie night is honestly a little low-key for my taste. I would rather go to a bar, play some pool, or go downtown. So I don't want to commit to doing movie night EVERY Friday. I want to leave some Fridays open to spend out, with K or HIM or other people that run in our general social circle. Fridays are too awesome and carefree to commit to one activity, unless it is something that I really really love to do. And I get the sense that at least one of the people that I do movie night with isn't really into going out. Maybe I should suggest it this week.
And alright, and if I am being 100% honest, I don't enjoy movie night all that much. I love movies, and I like the people that I watch them with, but for some reason, the combination doesn't jazz me too much. It kind of feels like a chore to go. At first I thought that it was because I wanted to spend so much time with HIM and didn't like the evening away, but since meeting K, I know that that isn't it. I have a lot of fun out with her and am really not concerned with what HE is doing. But K and I mix up what we do--sometimes it is brunch, sometimes dinner, sometimes shopping downtown, sometimes out to a bar... I think I need that variety. I also think I just gel better with K than with my movie friends. Is that a terrible thing to say? Maybe tomorrow I will email my movie friends and suggest an alternate activity for Friday. Or at least suggest going OUT to see a movie. If I don't like the situation, I really should try to fix it instead of bitching about it. Of course that doesn't apply to the situation with HIM as easily. But movie night is something I can fix. Now I just need to figure out how to stop feeling guilty about rescheduling...
Friday evenings are so relaxed. I have the whole weekend ahead, no papers due on most Saturdays or Sundays, and I can really enjoy whatever I am doing. Movie night is honestly a little low-key for my taste. I would rather go to a bar, play some pool, or go downtown. So I don't want to commit to doing movie night EVERY Friday. I want to leave some Fridays open to spend out, with K or HIM or other people that run in our general social circle. Fridays are too awesome and carefree to commit to one activity, unless it is something that I really really love to do. And I get the sense that at least one of the people that I do movie night with isn't really into going out. Maybe I should suggest it this week.
And alright, and if I am being 100% honest, I don't enjoy movie night all that much. I love movies, and I like the people that I watch them with, but for some reason, the combination doesn't jazz me too much. It kind of feels like a chore to go. At first I thought that it was because I wanted to spend so much time with HIM and didn't like the evening away, but since meeting K, I know that that isn't it. I have a lot of fun out with her and am really not concerned with what HE is doing. But K and I mix up what we do--sometimes it is brunch, sometimes dinner, sometimes shopping downtown, sometimes out to a bar... I think I need that variety. I also think I just gel better with K than with my movie friends. Is that a terrible thing to say? Maybe tomorrow I will email my movie friends and suggest an alternate activity for Friday. Or at least suggest going OUT to see a movie. If I don't like the situation, I really should try to fix it instead of bitching about it. Of course that doesn't apply to the situation with HIM as easily. But movie night is something I can fix. Now I just need to figure out how to stop feeling guilty about rescheduling...
A Case of the Mondays
I want to go back to bed. I am so sleepy. But I have a lot of reading to get through before my 1:30 class. And plenty of reading to do after my class too. I am supposed to go to a friend's apartment tonight for a movie night type thing. But tonight is also the final game of the NCAA basketball tournament. I have watched all of the games with HIM... I would hate to miss the championship. But I canceled on my movie friends last week because I had too much work to get done. Watch the game with him, or watch a movie with my two Monday night movie friends? Complicating the matter is the fact that I'm still not hugely enthusiastic about being around him at the moment. In fact, I am even less enthusiastic about being around him than I was yesterday.
Here is what went down:
So he came over to watch a show with me last night. At some point, he turned to me and told me what a good friend I am, and how lucky he is to have my support, and how I have helped him to grow as a person. All really nice things to say. But all I could think about was how he keeps telling me what a good FRIEND I am. It just drives home the fact that I am not more than a friend to him. So I thanked him for saying such a nice thing and tried really hard to shrug it off, but he could tell I was upset for the rest of the night. I really really did not want to talk about it, seeing as what I was/am upset about is that I love him and he doesn't love me and doesn't want to take a chance on us. Since last night, he has not stopped asking me what is wrong. Seriously, he has not stopped. It is constant. He even busted in while I was writing this to ask me. Of course I want to tell him, but like I've said before--if I tell him, he will feel guilty and this whole thing will stop. We have tried "just friends" before and I HATED it. So I can't tell him. And he is getting really upset. I have started acting more upbeat to get him to stop asking, but he just won't let it go. I am doing everything I can to act like I am okay, but he keeps asking anyways. And every time he asks, I think of how good it would feel (in the moment) to get it off my chest. But it would not be worth the long-term consequences. I don't think he is going to let this go. I guess that is a point in the "go to movie night" column...
Here is what went down:
So he came over to watch a show with me last night. At some point, he turned to me and told me what a good friend I am, and how lucky he is to have my support, and how I have helped him to grow as a person. All really nice things to say. But all I could think about was how he keeps telling me what a good FRIEND I am. It just drives home the fact that I am not more than a friend to him. So I thanked him for saying such a nice thing and tried really hard to shrug it off, but he could tell I was upset for the rest of the night. I really really did not want to talk about it, seeing as what I was/am upset about is that I love him and he doesn't love me and doesn't want to take a chance on us. Since last night, he has not stopped asking me what is wrong. Seriously, he has not stopped. It is constant. He even busted in while I was writing this to ask me. Of course I want to tell him, but like I've said before--if I tell him, he will feel guilty and this whole thing will stop. We have tried "just friends" before and I HATED it. So I can't tell him. And he is getting really upset. I have started acting more upbeat to get him to stop asking, but he just won't let it go. I am doing everything I can to act like I am okay, but he keeps asking anyways. And every time he asks, I think of how good it would feel (in the moment) to get it off my chest. But it would not be worth the long-term consequences. I don't think he is going to let this go. I guess that is a point in the "go to movie night" column...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Feeling Blue
So HE came to apologize to ME as soon as he woke up. Which was completely unnecessary, considering the fact that I am the one who fucked up. So I apologized to him. Everything is fine.
I've been reading most of the day. Trying my hardest to stay focused, but it isn't easy. Earlier, I took a break to check if my hometown baseball team would be coming to my new city to play in the next couple of months. Sure enough, they are coming in early August. So I asked HIM if he would want to go with me. He said he would, but he is not sure if he will still be here. Wow. That pretty much drove a stake through my heart. It just made me realize what little time we have left. And how desperately I want more out of this than he does. It made me really, really sad. Now I really don't want to see him at all. Not out of anger--although I am clearly upset that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me--but out of hopelessness. That is the only way that I can think to describe what I am feeling. I want to block him out. I wish so much that he did not live next door. That is the part of this situation that kills me. I can't avoid him. I wish I could just cut it off. And it is not as simple as just not going over to see him. First of all, he comes to see me as much as I go to see him. Second, his door makes this distinct scraping sound every time he opens and closes it, and his toilet hums when he flushes it--I can hear when he is home. Even when I am not with him, I know if he is home or out. I can't explain why that makes it harder, but it does. And third, how do you avoid somebody who you are in love with?
I guess I just take it one hour at a time now. I don't want to see him at the moment. So I won't. At the very least, I think I am going to start knocking on his door less often. This is not a goal, or a resolution that I will break, it is actually what I want right now.
I've been reading most of the day. Trying my hardest to stay focused, but it isn't easy. Earlier, I took a break to check if my hometown baseball team would be coming to my new city to play in the next couple of months. Sure enough, they are coming in early August. So I asked HIM if he would want to go with me. He said he would, but he is not sure if he will still be here. Wow. That pretty much drove a stake through my heart. It just made me realize what little time we have left. And how desperately I want more out of this than he does. It made me really, really sad. Now I really don't want to see him at all. Not out of anger--although I am clearly upset that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me--but out of hopelessness. That is the only way that I can think to describe what I am feeling. I want to block him out. I wish so much that he did not live next door. That is the part of this situation that kills me. I can't avoid him. I wish I could just cut it off. And it is not as simple as just not going over to see him. First of all, he comes to see me as much as I go to see him. Second, his door makes this distinct scraping sound every time he opens and closes it, and his toilet hums when he flushes it--I can hear when he is home. Even when I am not with him, I know if he is home or out. I can't explain why that makes it harder, but it does. And third, how do you avoid somebody who you are in love with?
I guess I just take it one hour at a time now. I don't want to see him at the moment. So I won't. At the very least, I think I am going to start knocking on his door less often. This is not a goal, or a resolution that I will break, it is actually what I want right now.
I Suck
I feel like a huge bitch. Last night I was sleeping at HIS apartment. He fell asleep in about two seconds, and I was still awake. I tossed and turned for at least an hour. The reason? His SNORING. My God. So, every time he snored, I gave him a good, hard kick in the backside. Usually that makes the snoring stop and doesn't wake him up. But last night, it apparently did wake him up. After about the 5,687,456th kick, he sat up, turned to me, and said, "Okay, what is the problem?... that is not the most constructive way to deal with it and if you don't stop you are going to drive me crazy" in a pretty angry voice. And he was right. So I got up and left, just to let us both get some sleep. But I left in a bit of a huff. And it wasn't because I was mad at him; it was because I was frustrated and felt bad. But I think he thought that I was storming out because I was angry at him for yelling at me.
So today, I have to get a lot of reading done. I know that he will probably knock on my door when he eventually wakes up, but I really don't want to see him. Again, not because I am mad at him, but because I am embarrassed by how I acted last night, start to finish. I have been snapping at him a lot lately. I think that we are spending way too much time together. Really. I am so angry with him for not wanting to be with me--for not loving me--that I get mad and irritable at him for almost everything. And I can't tell him why I keep snapping at him or he will stop the "relationship" that we have, because that would basically be me telling him I want more out of this--again. And we haven't talked about our "relationship" since January. If I can't have more from him, then I want things to stay how they are. We tried "just friends" and it was miserable. I couldn't stand it. This is just the lesser of two evils for me. So I need to stop being a bitch to him. It doesn't help anyone. It makes me feel slightly better in the moment, but then so much worse later. Really, I just want him to LOVE me. I want him to take a chance on US. I know there is more to this "relationship" than he wants to admit. It just makes me feel worthless that he isn't willing to try.
Oh well. Time to shower and get cracking on that reading. I will apologize to him later today. I know that I owe him an apology.
So today, I have to get a lot of reading done. I know that he will probably knock on my door when he eventually wakes up, but I really don't want to see him. Again, not because I am mad at him, but because I am embarrassed by how I acted last night, start to finish. I have been snapping at him a lot lately. I think that we are spending way too much time together. Really. I am so angry with him for not wanting to be with me--for not loving me--that I get mad and irritable at him for almost everything. And I can't tell him why I keep snapping at him or he will stop the "relationship" that we have, because that would basically be me telling him I want more out of this--again. And we haven't talked about our "relationship" since January. If I can't have more from him, then I want things to stay how they are. We tried "just friends" and it was miserable. I couldn't stand it. This is just the lesser of two evils for me. So I need to stop being a bitch to him. It doesn't help anyone. It makes me feel slightly better in the moment, but then so much worse later. Really, I just want him to LOVE me. I want him to take a chance on US. I know there is more to this "relationship" than he wants to admit. It just makes me feel worthless that he isn't willing to try.
Oh well. Time to shower and get cracking on that reading. I will apologize to him later today. I know that I owe him an apology.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Ugh
Yes, he did go to the bar before he came home last night. But I played it cool. Didn't get too pissed. Today is a different story.
I went to the library, later than I planned. Got back around 4. He wasn't here and still isn't. I have no idea where he might be. And I am dying to call him and find out. I am sure he is out with people and I don't want to be that girl that always calls him when he is out. But it is driving me CRAZY. If he isn't home by now, I am sure that he won't be home for quite awhile. Of course I am not pissed that he is out, but I am obsessing over it. Where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing? When will he be back? I want to see him, even though I think we have been seeing too much of each other lately. I don't expect him back before midnight, honestly. So I just need to relax and accept the fact that he probably won't be back until at least then.
I knocked on K's door, hoping that we could go out for a drink or something, but no answer. So I am cooped up here with nothing to do but think about what he is doing. I just have to NOT call him. No matter what.
I went to the library, later than I planned. Got back around 4. He wasn't here and still isn't. I have no idea where he might be. And I am dying to call him and find out. I am sure he is out with people and I don't want to be that girl that always calls him when he is out. But it is driving me CRAZY. If he isn't home by now, I am sure that he won't be home for quite awhile. Of course I am not pissed that he is out, but I am obsessing over it. Where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing? When will he be back? I want to see him, even though I think we have been seeing too much of each other lately. I don't expect him back before midnight, honestly. So I just need to relax and accept the fact that he probably won't be back until at least then.
I knocked on K's door, hoping that we could go out for a drink or something, but no answer. So I am cooped up here with nothing to do but think about what he is doing. I just have to NOT call him. No matter what.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Same as usual
Nothing terribly new going on. I got an extension on my Master's thesis. Not really an extension... I just opted for August rather than June graduation. Which lifts a huge weight off my shoulders. It also means that I will definitely be here, in the city, until the end of August.
I never made it to the library on the day I wrote my last post. I got downtown and found that the bus to the library only runs on weekdays. So I called my new friend in the building (henceforth, I shall call her K) and went shopping. K and I spent the whole day going in and out of stores on the main shopping street downtown, which I really enjoyed. I think I got the "need to shop" feeling out of my system. Plus, a day away from HIM and a day with a female friend were both very good things. I think that K and I will be spending more time together. Which is very good. She is really nice, I get along well with her, and she is not HIM.
Nothing really new with him. Just the same old problems. I do tons for him, he doesn't appreciate it enough or reciprocate appropriately, but I still do it because I am hopelessly in love with him.
This morning he asked me to pick up a six pack of beer on my way home from class. I did. He is still not home from his class, which I am pretty sure got out at 4:30. So I am wondering if he is at the bar. Which would piss me off, even if it shouldn't. Why ask me to pick up beer if you are going to the bar and can get beer yourself anyways? To be fair, he did offer me money this morning with which to buy said beer. But still. If you are going to the bar anyways, why do you need me to take time out of my day to buy you beer? I shouldn't jump to conclusions at this point. He may not be at the bar at all. But with all that has happened, he is guilty until proven innocent. Let's just say--he had better be at a fucking meeting or something. And he has been in a pretty bad mood lately. I know that he is stressed out, but I still don't like being snapped at.
I am going to try not to worry about where the hell he is right now, and just enjoy my vodka and tonic. Maybe peruse my new favorite website: passiveaggressivenotes.com (fabulous). Maybe try to do more reading for class. Getting up early to go back downtown to the library tomorrow. For real this time.
I never made it to the library on the day I wrote my last post. I got downtown and found that the bus to the library only runs on weekdays. So I called my new friend in the building (henceforth, I shall call her K) and went shopping. K and I spent the whole day going in and out of stores on the main shopping street downtown, which I really enjoyed. I think I got the "need to shop" feeling out of my system. Plus, a day away from HIM and a day with a female friend were both very good things. I think that K and I will be spending more time together. Which is very good. She is really nice, I get along well with her, and she is not HIM.
Nothing really new with him. Just the same old problems. I do tons for him, he doesn't appreciate it enough or reciprocate appropriately, but I still do it because I am hopelessly in love with him.
This morning he asked me to pick up a six pack of beer on my way home from class. I did. He is still not home from his class, which I am pretty sure got out at 4:30. So I am wondering if he is at the bar. Which would piss me off, even if it shouldn't. Why ask me to pick up beer if you are going to the bar and can get beer yourself anyways? To be fair, he did offer me money this morning with which to buy said beer. But still. If you are going to the bar anyways, why do you need me to take time out of my day to buy you beer? I shouldn't jump to conclusions at this point. He may not be at the bar at all. But with all that has happened, he is guilty until proven innocent. Let's just say--he had better be at a fucking meeting or something. And he has been in a pretty bad mood lately. I know that he is stressed out, but I still don't like being snapped at.
I am going to try not to worry about where the hell he is right now, and just enjoy my vodka and tonic. Maybe peruse my new favorite website: passiveaggressivenotes.com (fabulous). Maybe try to do more reading for class. Getting up early to go back downtown to the library tomorrow. For real this time.
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