Very Not Good

I had a terrible night last night--although it didn't start that way. He did go to take the prospectives out to dinner, but he actually called me when they finished eating to see if I wanted to go to the bar with him after. I did, and we played pool, had a few beers, and talked. On the way home he even picked me a flower. He was very sweet all night. So we came back and watched TV and ate at my house. I knew that I had let thoughts and feelings build up too much in my head, but I didn't quite expect the explosion that came out of me.

So at some point, he said something like "I am going to miss you so much when the year is over," or something like that. I started crying. Then out of nowhere I got incredibly angry. I think it came out of the fact that I feel like if we were actually a couple we wouldn't have to say "goodbye" at the end of the year. I felt everything that I have been thinking about bubbling up. I needed to talk right THEN. He wanted to sleep. He said, "we'll talk tomorrow." Of course that only pissed me off more. He should have cared that I was crying and upset. So I went off on him, saying, "why didn't you want to be with me? Why wasn't I enough for you? I don't believe it was about the timing. I think if the right person came along it wouldn't matter." And he responded with "I just don't want a commitment right now. It has nothing to do with you." Then he told me that I am just angry because I wanted more out of this from the beginning, but that I should stop throwing myself a pity-party. I didn't tell him that I love him--THANK GOD. So I kept at it and eventually he went over the edge and started yelling at me. He made like he was going to storm out. Being yelled at always makes me cry, so I started sobbing again.

You know, honestly, all I really wanted from the beginning of the "fight" was for him to sit up, stop looking annoyed, forget sleep for two minutes, and just hold me, look at me, wipe away a few tears... I just wanted to be comforted. Instead, he reacted with indifference and irritation. It really would not have escalated like it did if he had shown a little bit of compassion the first time I started crying. And I basically told him as much. He apologized, and did what he should have done in the first place. But by then, it just felt fake. So he slept here, and then this morning asked if I wanted to shower with him (we do that), but I said I wanted to keep sleeping. He is at work now.

I really wish his damn computer was working. I know he is going to have to come over to check his email and whatever else. I really, really, REALLY don't want to see him today. I just feel like crap. Why couldn't he care enough to say "screw sleep" for ten minutes and comfort me? That is all I needed. Instead he semi-ignored me, then got irritated with me, then yelled at me, and only THEN got around to the comforting part.

I am sure he really doesn't want to see me right now either. I was honestly very surprised that he asked if I wanted to shower with him this morning. I don't know what is going to happen now--if things will go back to normal, or if everything will change. It doesn't matter at this point. I know that I shouldn't be mad at him, because I started it last night, but I am. I feel like he handled it horribly. The fact that he wasn't willing to wake his ass up and give me ten minutes of time says so much more to me than anything that comes out of his mouth. So yes, I am pissed. I don't want to see him. I hope he just stays on campus and does work there so he doesn't have to use my computer. As for me? A day of cleaning and reading followed by movie night. At least I will be getting out of the building tonight.