I Suck

I feel like a huge bitch. Last night I was sleeping at HIS apartment. He fell asleep in about two seconds, and I was still awake. I tossed and turned for at least an hour. The reason? His SNORING. My God. So, every time he snored, I gave him a good, hard kick in the backside. Usually that makes the snoring stop and doesn't wake him up. But last night, it apparently did wake him up. After about the 5,687,456th kick, he sat up, turned to me, and said, "Okay, what is the problem?... that is not the most constructive way to deal with it and if you don't stop you are going to drive me crazy" in a pretty angry voice. And he was right. So I got up and left, just to let us both get some sleep. But I left in a bit of a huff. And it wasn't because I was mad at him; it was because I was frustrated and felt bad. But I think he thought that I was storming out because I was angry at him for yelling at me.

So today, I have to get a lot of reading done. I know that he will probably knock on my door when he eventually wakes up, but I really don't want to see him. Again, not because I am mad at him, but because I am embarrassed by how I acted last night, start to finish. I have been snapping at him a lot lately. I think that we are spending way too much time together. Really. I am so angry with him for not wanting to be with me--for not loving me--that I get mad and irritable at him for almost everything. And I can't tell him why I keep snapping at him or he will stop the "relationship" that we have, because that would basically be me telling him I want more out of this--again. And we haven't talked about our "relationship" since January. If I can't have more from him, then I want things to stay how they are. We tried "just friends" and it was miserable. I couldn't stand it. This is just the lesser of two evils for me. So I need to stop being a bitch to him. It doesn't help anyone. It makes me feel slightly better in the moment, but then so much worse later. Really, I just want him to LOVE me. I want him to take a chance on US. I know there is more to this "relationship" than he wants to admit. It just makes me feel worthless that he isn't willing to try.

Oh well. Time to shower and get cracking on that reading. I will apologize to him later today. I know that I owe him an apology.