Feeling Blue

So HE came to apologize to ME as soon as he woke up. Which was completely unnecessary, considering the fact that I am the one who fucked up. So I apologized to him. Everything is fine.

I've been reading most of the day. Trying my hardest to stay focused, but it isn't easy. Earlier, I took a break to check if my hometown baseball team would be coming to my new city to play in the next couple of months. Sure enough, they are coming in early August. So I asked HIM if he would want to go with me. He said he would, but he is not sure if he will still be here. Wow. That pretty much drove a stake through my heart. It just made me realize what little time we have left. And how desperately I want more out of this than he does. It made me really, really sad. Now I really don't want to see him at all. Not out of anger--although I am clearly upset that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me--but out of hopelessness. That is the only way that I can think to describe what I am feeling. I want to block him out. I wish so much that he did not live next door. That is the part of this situation that kills me. I can't avoid him. I wish I could just cut it off. And it is not as simple as just not going over to see him. First of all, he comes to see me as much as I go to see him. Second, his door makes this distinct scraping sound every time he opens and closes it, and his toilet hums when he flushes it--I can hear when he is home. Even when I am not with him, I know if he is home or out. I can't explain why that makes it harder, but it does. And third, how do you avoid somebody who you are in love with?

I guess I just take it one hour at a time now. I don't want to see him at the moment. So I won't. At the very least, I think I am going to start knocking on his door less often. This is not a goal, or a resolution that I will break, it is actually what I want right now.