A Case of the Mondays

I want to go back to bed. I am so sleepy. But I have a lot of reading to get through before my 1:30 class. And plenty of reading to do after my class too. I am supposed to go to a friend's apartment tonight for a movie night type thing. But tonight is also the final game of the NCAA basketball tournament. I have watched all of the games with HIM... I would hate to miss the championship. But I canceled on my movie friends last week because I had too much work to get done. Watch the game with him, or watch a movie with my two Monday night movie friends? Complicating the matter is the fact that I'm still not hugely enthusiastic about being around him at the moment. In fact, I am even less enthusiastic about being around him than I was yesterday.

Here is what went down:

So he came over to watch a show with me last night. At some point, he turned to me and told me what a good friend I am, and how lucky he is to have my support, and how I have helped him to grow as a person. All really nice things to say. But all I could think about was how he keeps telling me what a good FRIEND I am. It just drives home the fact that I am not more than a friend to him. So I thanked him for saying such a nice thing and tried really hard to shrug it off, but he could tell I was upset for the rest of the night. I really really did not want to talk about it, seeing as what I was/am upset about is that I love him and he doesn't love me and doesn't want to take a chance on us. Since last night, he has not stopped asking me what is wrong. Seriously, he has not stopped. It is constant. He even busted in while I was writing this to ask me. Of course I want to tell him, but like I've said before--if I tell him, he will feel guilty and this whole thing will stop. We have tried "just friends" before and I HATED it. So I can't tell him. And he is getting really upset. I have started acting more upbeat to get him to stop asking, but he just won't let it go. I am doing everything I can to act like I am okay, but he keeps asking anyways. And every time he asks, I think of how good it would feel (in the moment) to get it off my chest. But it would not be worth the long-term consequences. I don't think he is going to let this go. I guess that is a point in the "go to movie night" column...