Instead of Reading...

... I am writing on here again. Who am I kidding? My brain is shot from lack of sleep. I am not going to absorb any more of that reading before class.

So I took another peak at the email from his ex to him. Wow, she was PISSED. And her main grievance was him reading her email. Oh the irony. But really, I think this email puts some things in focus for me. He clearly did not want out of that relationship, she did. It was clearly very rocky at the end. He clearly turns a little crazy when he is in a relationship (but who doesn't?). All of this helps me understand why he isn't up for a relationship right now.

My last relationship was peaceful. My most recent ex was such a great guy. He treated me better than any guy I have ever dated (and probably better than any future guys will treat me). He loved me and supported me and never really did anything to make me legitimately angry. It makes me sound like an idiot for breaking up with him, doesn't it? But there was just no spark with me and him. I came to realize that I did not love him the way he loved me. It was hard, but I left. It was the right thing to do--for me and for him.

Now I have found someone that I do spark with. I have fallen in love for the second time in my life. But I am in love all by myself. His most recent relationship looks like it was heavy on the sparks, but short on the peacefulness. Mine was the opposite. And it hurts. While I was reading the email from his ex, I couldn't help but feel that it was unfair that he took a chance with her and not me. I kept feeling that it must be because I don't measure up to her in some way. Was she prettier than me? Smarter? More fun to be around? More well spoken? More mature? Sexier?... I just can't help but to feel inadequate when I know that he is capable of commitment, and just chooses not to give it to me. Has he sized me up and decided that I am not as good as she was?

I am having a nice little pity party for myself here. The two times I have been in love, I have gotten the same "I don't want a relationship right now" crap, and the guys who have truly loved me, I haven't really loved back. It must be some kind of cruel cosmic justice. I feel broken. Used. Defective. I have never been in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. Will it ever happen? Am I doing something wrong? I really tried to love my ex like he loved me. I tried for well over a year. The same with the exes before him. I have had three serious relationships with guys that truly loved me. I have had two "friends with benefits" relationships with guys that I truly loved.

But I guess it is time to stop whining and go to class, where I expect I will be a useless zombie, who doesn't participate in class discussion.