PMS

Major PMS. I feel so... blech. I am worried, anxious, tired, cranky, angry, and sad--all rolled into one. My MA thesis is stressing me out, because I haven't really worked on it at all. I have to go to the stupid library downtown tomorrow. I am not as excited about going out tomorrow night, because K is probably not going. I am going out Saturday night with him (he made reservations at an Italian place because the cabaret is closed), but I still fear that something may go wrong (since something always does).

Yesterday, him and I went to the bar on our way home from campus. "Girl who has a boyfriend but still wants him" came by and had a drink with us. I think I can officially change her name to C. I actually like her. And I don't think she wants him at all anymore. She seems very happy with her boyfriend. I am confident that her and HIM are just friends. So that is good. But something that HE said while we were at the bar really upset me. C is moving soon, and HE asked why she is not moving in with her boyfriend. C said that they have only been dating for 3 months, and she thinks it is too soon. He then said something like, "I am not rational when it comes to relationships. I moved to Canada for a girl (the ex)."

WhatwhatWHAT?! Not rational?! EXCUSE ME???!!! He has been NOTHING but rational since this whole thing started with us. He keeps talking about bad timing and fear of getting hurt. Then he says THAT?! I talked to him about it later. He apologized for the fact that it hurt me. I didn't ask him for more of an explanation, but he told me, "I have changed a lot since then." I guess that is reasonable. People change. But STILL. It makes me feel disposable. Defective. Like if I was special enough, he wouldn't be able to be rational. I just feel so insignificant.

I know that my hormones are not helping matters, but I need to figure this out. I am so confused. As usual. I guess a day at the library tomorrow and a night out will do me well. At the moment, I just don't really want to be around him. I need to figure out if I still want this. I keep finding new reasons to question the whole situation. And now that he sleeps here every night, and eats here, and reads here, etc, etc, etc, I am so IN the situation that I can't get any perspective on it. I need to get away. Or something.

The one good thing that has happened between yesterday and today was that I got a good grade on that paper I was worried about. I am relieved. And happy. I should focus on that. Focus on the good.