Don't Panic

I am starting to feel the weight of everything I have to do pressing down on me. Mainly, my thesis and finding a job. I have still been avoiding the job search. I have poked around some job listings, but I haven't sent out a single resume. I definitely don't want to end up back at home after I leave here. I really have to get a move on with the job thing. I should visit my school's career planning office. This week. I have to do that this week. I just feel paralyzed by the stress of it. I don't even want to try. I hate looking for jobs. It has never been my favorite task. I always force myself to do it though, and I always find something. I have to get my references in order. I have fallen out of touch with some people who I will need as references. Mainly, a woman who I worked with at an archive the summer before senior year of college, and all through senior year. She wasn't really my boss, but my boss died this past November, and I also worked for her, so I really need her as a reference. I meant to email her earlier in the year just to say hi, but it was strange after my boss, Larry, died. It was so sad when he died, and I didn't know what to say to her, and I didn't really feel like talking to anyone about it. I had not kept in touch with Larry either. I still regret that. I shouldn't make the same mistake with her. I finally emailed her this morning.

Things are still good with him. I still don't know how or why he did a complete 180, but he did and I am happy with it. Friday is C's party, but we don't have any details about it yet and we don't know exactly where she lives. She said we could stay the night, but he wants to come back home so he can get work on his thesis done the next day. At least we are getting out of the apartments for an evening. C said we can see fireworks from her apartment. That is good news for me. For some reason, I love fireworks. Especially seeing them from a boat (which I have only done once, and clearly won't be doing this Friday). I don't know why, and I have no idea why I've thought of this, but for some reason my fantasy marriage proposal would be on a small rowboat, watching fireworks. Since I have never told anyone that, it is unlikely to ever happen that way (if I even ever get engaged), but I think it would be perfect.

I need to go to the library today. Not the one downtown--just the school library. I really should have done it yesterday. I was not very productive yesterday. I spent most of the day finishing up my novel. It was so good, I really couldn't put it down. It made me sob. I was kind of wondering when it would make me cry. One of the reviews at the beginning of the book said something like, "it is a hard-hearted reader who is not moved to tears by this book." Well, I was nearly finished with it, and while I thought it was very good, still no tears. But it sure got me near the end. I haven't cried that hard in awhile. It was ugly crying--you know, where your face is all scrunched up, and you are making loud sobbing noises, and snot is dangerously close to pouring out of your nose? Gross. I will probably re-read it at some point, but it was a bit emotionally taxing to re-read again anytime soon. I think I will pass it on to my Mom. She always enjoys a good book. I can't start any new novels until I pass in the draft of my thesis. Well, I shouldn't. I will try not to.

So, my big thing for the next couple of weeks is to try not to panic. About my thesis, about my job search, about anything. Panicking helps nothing. Unfortunately, it comes very naturally to me.

I just have to hit the library, bring my books back here, and try to get some work done today. That is manageable. He is at work all day, so I won't have any distractions there. I should shower and start my day. And considering how late I've been starting my days, I need to start working later. Today will be a fresh start.

At least I have Friday to look forward to.

Rolling Along

Things are still good with him. He initiated something AGAIN last night. I really have no idea what has gotten into him. But after the first time yesterday, my mood improved so much that that may be encouraging him to initiate more. I just feel so much better. It is not the sex entirely. It is also the intimacy that comes with the sex--knowing that he isn't avoiding physical contact with me. I just feel happier. If it could stay like this for the next two months, I would be ecstatic. I won't count on it, but a girl can dream. Realistically, we will fight more. We will go through bad periods. But right now, I am going to to my best to keep that from happening.

We are both just working on our theses today. I am still waiting for books to come back to the library, which is making it difficult for me to write, but I have 22 pages (out of about 35). I still have about a week and a half to write the rest.

We watched the rest of the Bucket List yesterday. I liked it. Definitely not funny at the beginning or the end. The middle was the funny part. I thought it was a nice movie though. I am also plowing though my novel. I don't have a ton of time to read it, but I am already 3/4 of the way through. That means it's a good one. And it really is. I will be kind of sad to hit the end of it. It will probably go into my "re-read" pile, but there is really nothing like reading a book for the first time. You can never read a book for the first time again. Kind of sad.

I messaged M back on facebook. Just told him what I've been up to (minus anything about HIM). I think that I would be okay being friends with him. I don't know if I would be ready to meet the new girlfriend or anything--I know that I broke up with him, but it is still always weird to meet your replacement--but if I am in his area, I would meet up with him for lunch or something. That is not something I have to worry about at the moment anyways.

On the 4th of July, C is having a party at her new apartment downtown. He and I are going to go for part of it. It will be nice to get out. I tried to get him out of the apartments this weekend, but he is in full-on thesis mode and really has no desire to leave. I think sometime this week I will go shopping downtown (by myself). I need to buy my Mom a birthday gift and I want to buy a couple more summer things for myself--skirts, shorts, sun dresses. For my Mom, I will find something nicer. For me, it will be Forever 21 and H&M all the way--new clothes, no guilt. I have three Forever 21 dresses that have lasted me a few years now. Not bad for dresses that cost me less than $20 each. I have been itching to shop.

Nothing really exciting going on here, so I guess I should get to the thesis.

Just When I Give Up

I don't know how it happened, but as soon as I had given up because of all of his pulling away, he made a miraculous improvement. Yesterday, I did all my errands/chores as planned and was reading in bed when he called me (late in the afternoon after he got out of work) to ask if I wanted to meet him at the bar for a drink. So I went, and it was fine--nothing unusual. When we got back to my apartment, he started making dinner (a little out of character for him) and I decided to take a shower. After my shower, he finally initiated something. Yep, I got laid. So that put me in a much better mood. We finished making dinner, ate, then walked down to Blockbuster to get new movies. We watched one of the movies and then he initiated something AGAIN. Miraculous. From zero to two. He was also very physically affectionate in general all night. I have no idea what sparked the drastic change. Maybe he could sense that I was giving up. Whatever it was, things seem to be back to how they used to me. All of the walls that he has had up for the past few weeks don't seem to be there. He just seems much more open in general. I'm not going to question it.

In other news, my ex, M, sent me a facebook message. He just told me what he has been up to (didn't mention the new girlfriend), asked me how I've been, etc. I haven't responded yet. I will respond--there was nothing in the message that I wouldn't respond too, and like I said, he was always very good to me--but I just don't have the energy at the moment. Maybe later today. It is a little strange to communicate with him now. I just haven't had much practice talking to him since we broke up. I think we only did it once, and it was right after, when we were both still pretty emotionally fragile. Maybe he will be an ex that I can remain friends with.

I have to get back to thesis work today. I am not feeling up to it. I am so tired. We stayed up pretty late last night. We watched most of a second movie after the first. The first one we watched was Charlie Barlett, which was decent. Amusing, not too heavy. Definitely not an accurate representation of high school life--everything was just a little exaggerated, but I didn't have a problem with that. The second was The Bucket List, which I have a hard time forming an opinion on not having seen the end. I like it so far. Some parts were really funny. It is definitely less of a comedy than it was marketed as, but I don't mind--I think HE was hoping for complete comedy through the whole movie. I will have to see the end before I decide if I really like it.

So, today I have to jump back into work. He is working on his thesis too. All I really want to do is curl up with my novel (I didn't really get to read too much of it yesterday), and maybe nap. But I will be responsible today. At least until... 5:00? Okay, maybe 6:00. I just hate how in grad school weekends aren't really weekends at all. Especially once classes end. Every day is the same. Oh well, time to stop complaining and start working.

Another One Gone

K is officially gone. I had breakfast with her this morning, helped her with the last minute cleaning in her apartment, helped her get her suitcases to the car, and said goodbye. I am sad to see her go. We didn't get to know each other incredibly well, but I know that we could have been really good friends given more time. I will probably never see her again.

I was thinking about calling C and asking if she wanted to see a movie with me tonight, but then I realized that her boyfriend gets back from Army training today. He has been gone for three weeks, so I am fairly certain that she will want to have the weekend alone with him. Maybe I will try to hang out with her after he has been back for a little while.

It is basically just me and him now. Last night, we had a non-fight. We had what could have turned into a fight, but there was really no venom or hostility--I think we were both too mentally exhausted to muster it up this time. It was about him pulling away. It has basically been a week since he tried to do anything more than kiss me. I brought it up in the calmest way I could. He finally admitted that he is still pulling away from me. He is "trying not to," but is afraid that he is "going to destroy us both" if he doesn't pull away. He said that he feels like a bad person for not letting this continue beyond August--and even though I haven't brought that up for weeks now, he still feels like he is being unfair to me. I didn't say much. I wasn't quiet in a passive aggressive way. I just didn't have anything left. I just said "Okay." He promised to keep trying to do better. He wanted me to sleep at his apartment last night, but I really didn't want to. I told him it was just too hot to share a bed and came home. I think that this is the last straw for me. Truly. I am not going to try anymore. I am not going to avoid him, but I am also going to keep to myself more. And I will absolutely not try to initiate anything physical anymore. I give up. I almost wanted to say to him "You win." I can't care enough for the both of us anymore. I am tired of feeling like crap all the time. The fact that I didn't have more to say than "okay" last night really signaled a turning point for me. I literally had no desire to talk about it anymore. It was like my brain was waiving a little white flag and refusing to transmit words to my mouth. I will not bring up the lack of physical stuff anymore. I will just live and let live. And I don't feel angry, or frantic, or sad. I feel very calm, even, collected. If his goal with all of this has been to make me get over him, it is working. I love him. I really do. But I think I am also learning how to put that love away and just get on with my life. I know that we will still spend time together, but I think I am FINALLY ready to stop fighting for "us," if that makes any sense.

I think that I might take today off from thesis work. I have some overdue movies to return to Blockbuster, and a few things to do around the apartment. I thought about taking my book down to a park area about a half mile away and reading outside, but I think I might just return the movies and come home--nap, do those little things around my apartment, read my novel, and try not to overheat. It sounds like a nice day to me. He is at work all day, so I will really have some peace around here. I actually feel much better when I know that he isn't next door.

More of the Same

As I mentioned before, K is leaving tomorrow. I agreed to go to breakfast with her at 9AM tomorrow before her flight. That is a little early for me these days, so I will probably be a complete zombie, but I definitely want to spend time with her before she leaves. I should probably go down and visit her today too. I know I will be sad not being able to do that whenever I want once she leaves. Another one leaves the city. After she goes, it will really just be me and him. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I went to Borders yesterday and found a couple of books. The one I started reading yesterday was exactly the kind of book I was looking for. I had heard good things about it here and there, so I decided to give it a shot. So far it is fantastic. The Time Traveler's Wife. It is so different from anything I've read, and it is good and long. I read about 120 pages yesterday and it barely looks like I made a dent in it. I want to read it all day today, but of course I have the thesis to work on. I miss the days when summer actually meant vacation.

I think it might be my parents' wedding anniversary today. I am terrible with all dates except for my parents' birthdays and my brother's birthday. Anything else, I inevitably forget. Each year I mean to write down their anniversary when I finally figure out which day it is, and each year I forget. Last year was their 25th, so that was more important to remember, but my mom gets upset when my brother and I forget. I forgot to send a card, which I meant to do about a week ago. I do know that their anniversary is sometime in the second half of June. I guess I should call today and take my chances. My mom's birthday is coming up in mid-July, so I should get a package together for that. Not that I would forget her birthday.

So, I still feel like he is holding himself back with me. I have been leaving all physical interaction to him, and while he has been affectionate, he hasn't tried to do anything with me since... last Friday? To be fair, I do have my period right now (too much information?), but he doesn't know that. I GENTLY brought things up with him last night. I asked how he was doing with the whole "keeping his walls down" thing. He said, "I'm here, aren't I?" And I said, "Yes, but it is not really just about being physically present. Have you just not been in the mood to do anything physical lately?" He said, "Yeah, my stomach hasn't been feeling very well." Which is plausible, since he has not been eating before about 4PM every day, then eating crap, crap, and more crap--waffles, ice cream, hot pockets, pizza... but just to cover all my bases I asked, "And that isn't just like how you said 'I'm tired' a few days ago and then admitted later that it was really you pushing me away?" He said, "No, it really is my stomach." So I let it go. We will see how things develop over the next few days.

He did manage to irk me a bit last night, but I am actually very proud of my reaction. He was in here editing his thesis all night, because he likes having the TV in the background while he edits. So he was editing, and I was watching some TV. He stopped editing around 11, and I was ready to stop watching TV, so I picked up my book and he watched TV. At some point, he decided that he wanted the light off because it was giving off a bit of heat--so he turned it off. Problem was, I was still reading and this put me and my book completely in the dark. So I mentioned that I was reading, in case he had just had a momentary space-out, and he basically said that he knew that, but that it was cooler in the dark. Even though I was a little peeved, I figured I should pick my battles from now on (I have been doing too much snapping at small things), so I put the book aside and watched TV with him. A few minutes later, I got up to use the bathroom, and when I came back the TV was off. He had apparently decided that it was time to sleep. So with that on top of the light incident, I could not contain my need to snap at him--but I did it pretty calmly. I said, "Hey, you are pretty assertive today. First the light, now the TV. I wasn't really done watching that." He gave a really half-hearted sorry, which of course just wound me up more. I said something about it not being all about him. He said, "Okay, then I'll leave. I'm kind of tired of the bitching anyways." And THAT is where I normally would have started shooting steam out of my ears. Instead, I told him that I hate it when he leaves in a bad mood, asked him to stay, and found a flashlight to read with. Maybe I didn't stand up for myself enough there, but the compromise (on my part) seemed worth avoiding a nasty little spat.

In general, I feel a slight bit of tension--or even hostility--between us. I think that with everyone else gone or leaving, things are getting a bit intense. I think we are both scared, are both cranky because it is so hot in these damn apartments, and are both tired of the same old circles that we can't seem to get out of. I know where it stems from for me--the same old issues of his walls, his future not including me, etc, etc. In some way, my snapping at him is a defensive measure. I am reacting to the distance that he keeps between us. I am tired though. It is more exhausting being in a pseudo-relationship than a real one. So why do I do it to myself? I guess it comes down to choices at this point. I have no friends here besides him (which is really true after tomorrow). He lives next door, which makes him unavoidable. And of course--I am in love with him. Is there any other realistic option?

At least I have some good books to read now. Those always distract me better than anything else--better than movies, TV, magazines, work. I can really get lost in a good novel, and lost is just what I want to be right now.

Into a Routine

K is actually leaving Friday. I am going to see her a few more times before then, but I wish she was staying longer.

It is miserably hot here, and even worse in this little apartment, which seems to just hold the heat in. Things were fine with him yesterday. I still feel like he is holding himself back. I left his apartment again last night to come sleep at my apartment and he wanted to come with me. I let him. I guess for now I will just give it more time and see if anything changes. It has only been a day. But in any case, we've settled into what I imagine will be our summer routine--work during the day, eat dinner, watch TV or a movie, sleep.

We watched Princess and the Warrior last night. I like foreign films, but I don't watch them often because I'm not a huge fan of reading subtitles. Spanish movies are easier, since I barely have to read the subtitles with those--but I don't speak a lick of German. In any case, I liked it. Although, at times I felt like the filmmakers were bashing me over the head with symbolism. I prefer at least a little bit of subtlety. But generally it was different, well acted, well shot. My biggest issue was that for a film that bashes you over the head with symbolism in individual scenes, it was also kind of unclear if there was an overall point to the movie. Not that there really HAS to be one. I liked the emotional journeys that the characters took--even the minor characters were pretty well-developed--but I wasn't one hundred percent sure what, if anything, the filmmakers wanted the audience to take from the movie in the end. Maybe I will have to watch it again. I have a terrible habit of over-thinking movies. And books. And everything else.

I think I need to start reading for fun again. Now that the term is over, I have time. I just have the hardest time picking out a new book to read. I have the habit of re-reading my 6-7 go-to books: Baron in the Trees, The Godfather, The Stranger, The Hobbit (since I read it all in one night during a power outage in 3rd grade it has been a favorite), Pride and Prejudice (cliche, I know, but easy on the brain), the Virgin Suicides, and White Oleander. Each one really does something different for me. They are all good for different moods. I also have newer go-to books that I plan to re-read, but haven't quite had the chance yet--mainly The Lovely Bones. That is the last book I read that really grabbed me. I cried so many times while reading that book, for different reasons. I thought it was really beautiful. I am a bit nervous about the upcoming movie. But after I read it the first time, I knew that it would be added to my rotation. Unfortunately for me, I lent Virgin Suicides, White Oleander, and The Lovely Bones out. Even though I hardly ever get books back after lending them out, I can't help but want to share the books that I love with other people. In fact, the copy of Virgin Suicides that I lent out was my SECOND copy--I lent out the first and never got it back. I like to think that the people I lent them to loved them as much as I do and just quietly decided to keep them. I always just buy another copy when that happens. Maybe I will head to Borders sometime this week and pick out something new. I am in the mood for something like Virgin Suicides, White Oleander, or The Lovely Bones. Something beautiful.

I will also re-read Atlas Shrugged at some point. I am not sure if I liked it in the end, but I can say that one quote from that book got me through a very, VERY hard time in my life. I don't know why. It just grabbed me and helped me pull through. I always keep a copy of that quote in my room. It sounds crazy, that a quote could do that--but you know how things just speak to you sometimes? It is a little long, but it goes like this:

"She survived it. She was able to survive it, because she did not believe in suffering. She faced with astonished indignation the ugly fact of feeling pain, and refused to let it matter. Suffering was a senseless accident, it was not part of life as she saw it. She would not allow pain to become important. She had no name for the kind of resistance she offered, for the emotion from which the resistance came; but the words that stood as its equivalent in her mind were: it does not count--it is not to be taken seriously. She knew these were the words, even in the moments when there was nothing left within her but screaming and she wished she could lose the faculty of consciousness so that it would not tell her that what could not be true was true. Not to be taken seriously--an immovable certainty within her kept repeating--pain and ugliness are never to be taken seriously.
She fought it. She recovered. Years helped her to reach the day when she could face her memories indifferently, then the day when she felt no necessity to face them. It was finished and of no concern to her any longer."

Those words gave me strength when I needed it--more strength than I ever thought I could get from a book, or poetry, or a song, or anything that someone else produced.

Okay, enough rambling. I guess I was in a talkative (if writing on a blog is "talking") mood today. Time to channel that into my thesis.

One More Chance

I got the "I'm sorry I was such an asshole last night" phone call at 4:30 yesterday. I said, "It's okay," and not much else. He came home around 6:00 with dinner and continued to apologize profusely. I told him it really wasn't the "asshole" thing that was still bothering me--it was the fact that he couldn't stop with the walls and the pushing me away. I said, "the only advantage to knowing that this is going to end, is that we have a chance to make the most of and appreciate the time we have." He said he will try. I am so sick of hearing that from him in general that it really took until sometime around midnight for me to start acting normal again. The last thing I said about it was, "If you give me walls or pull away from me one more time, I'm DONE." And I meant it. I was almost done this time. Something inside me was so close to just switching off. Part of me feels like something has changed for me. I slept at my own apartment last night. I could have stayed at his place, but I didn't really want to. I think I am hanging back to see if anything actually changes before I open myself up again.

In other news, I just applied for my degree. I am not going to walk at graduation--I did the graduation thing last year for undergrad. But, in any case, the thesis is the last thing that I have to finish before I officially have a master's degree. I still have no job. No clue what I am doing when I leave here. I do know that I have no desire to move back in with my parents. Not that I have a problem with them--I just want to stay out on my own. I have to figure out what I am doing after I leave here very soon.

The thesis is slow going. I am trying to work on it. I don't have half of the books I need. They got recalled by other library users during the last term, when I wasn't really using them anyways, and I just re-recalled them over the weekend. I hope they come back in time for me to use them. I really should have tried to get them back sooner. I will just make do with what I have for now.

K leaves soon. For good. Early next week. C has already moved downtown. My movie friends are gone. It is basically just me and him now.

Better and Worse

Well, my cold is more or less gone, so that is good--but things with him are not so good. Basically, this is what happened:

He came over here for a few hours last night, ate dinner, etc, then said he was going to his apartment to watch the Bourne Ultimatum. He asked if I wanted to watch it with him, but I wasn't really in the mood for an action movie, so I said no. About a half hour later, I needed him to help me with something (it would have taken about 5 minutes), so I knocked on his door. He had the movie paused anyways, so I asked him if he could spare 5 minutes. He looked at me like I was nuts. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said something about me interrupting his alone time. Alone time? I wasn't aware that he was having alone time--especially since he asked me to watch the movie with him and was only alone because I said no. So I brought that up. He said he thought he had to ask me. I was trying very hard to keep my cool at this point. I said that of course he can have alone time, just don't say one thing and do another. He said, "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just pulling away." PULLING AWAY? Oh hell no. We have had about six conversations about this "pulling away" crap. Again, I managed to keep my cool and said, "I deserve better than that. I know that this has an expiration date, but I deserve everything you have until then." He said (cue broken record): "I'll work on it." So I left him to his alone time (about 10pm). He never came over to patch things up. I am pretty sure he is at work now. He usually works until at least 4 or 5.

I have NO desire to approach him. If he is going to keep pulling away, then I am going to stop giving him anything to pull away from. I really do deserve better than this. It may as well just be over now if the next two months are going to be like this. Either let down you walls, or leave me alone. I really cannot take the walls. They make me feel worse than ANYTHING else in this situation. I can handle the fact that this had to end in August because he is working toward his future career. I can handle the fact that he doesn't try to fit me in to his future plans at all. I can handle the fact that despite all appearances, I am not his girlfriend. I CANNOT handle him shutting me out because he is afraid that it will hurt more when it ends. That is ridiculously selfish. I have made a lot of concessions in this "relationship." What has he really done for me? I don't want him to buy me stuff. I don't want him to take me places. I just want him to stop pushing me away emotionally. I don't give a fuck if it hurts more. The things that are worth it usually hurt. I need him to man up, stop with the walls, and deal with the pain when it comes.

So, for the rest of the day I will work on my MA thesis and not worry about him. He doesn't think I'm worth the risk of getting hurt, so I don't think he's worth the energy that it would take to worry about this. I think I would be okay with this ending today. I doubt that it will--but I think he has pushed me away enough that I could deal with it.

I found a better way to deal with my anger last night than signing up for an online dating site (thank goodness I wasn't drunk during this fight). I watched a new movie on OnDemand that we both really wanted to see. I decided there was no point in factoring him into my future plans, if he won't even factor me into his present. So, I watched Be Kind Rewind without him. It wasn't as good as it looked in the previews, but I liked it. Light, quirky, and took my mind off the fight. It made me smile, which was exactly what I needed. And I didn't once think, "I should have waited for him to watch this, he would have really liked it."

Off to work on the thesis.

Slow Goin'

I am still pretty stuffed up, but am trying to get back on track with my work today. I have been working for a couple of hours (okay, more like one hour), and I already want to stop. I probably won't get too much work done on my thesis today. I want to clean my apartment too--it will help me feel less distracted during the rest of the week.

I am glad that I gave him the benefit of the doubt yesterday morning. It turns out, he didn't realize I had just gotten up to use the bathroom--he thought I had actually gone home for awhile and then came back and got back into bed. He was confused as to why I would want to do that since it was so hot in his apartment. I am glad I waited for an explanation before getting pissy.

He is not working today. He is cleaning his apartment, watching movies, and smoking pot. I have been much better about the pot thing lately. I think it bothers me less than it used to. Or maybe I just don't have the energy to care right now. I still feel pretty fatigued from this cold. I just don't feel like fighting with him about anything anymore. I give up. I guess that is a good thing.

I think I am too tired to really write here right now. I think I need to eat something. Refuel and keep working.

Stuffed Up

I officially have a full-blown cold. My head is so stuffy that I can barely hear anything. Fun fun. Luckily it held off until after we finished our weekend plans.

We made it up to the concert yesterday. There were a TON of people there. But it didn't rain, the temperature was perfect, and we carved out a nice little spot in the grass to lay out our blanket, food, and wine. We had a really nice night. Getting home was a little tricky. People had been going up to the concert venue all day via a special train that only stops there, so when the concert ended, there were about six trains' worth of people trying to fit onto three trains. He and I had very different approaches to navigating this crowd. He preferred to stand in the back and assume that we would eventually make it home, while I preferred to move with the crowd and actually try to make it home. After attempting to get him to try to get on the train with me, I had no choice but to go with his method, since he refused to do anything but stand back and wait. We got on the second train.

This had to be the slowest moving train in the history of public transportation. Every stop, it had to stop twice--once to empty the first half of the train, and a second time after it pulled up far enough for the second half of the train to empty. By the time we were three stops away from our stop, I had to pee pretty badly. By the time we were one stop away, I was really considering using one of our empty wine bottles. He wanted to get off the train just so I could use the bathroom. Of course, we were in the middle of nowhere and would have had a helluva time getting home from there--so I waited. And I made it--but not with much time to spare.

From the downtown train station, our only option was to hail a taxi. It was about 2AM by the time we made it downtown, and all of the other public transportation was stopped for the night. We actually didn't have much trouble getting a cab, and for once, the driver didn't drive us in circles to run up the fare.

We got back home, and settled in to his apartment to unwind a bit before bed. Then he picked a fight. He brought up how I was trying to get on the train like the rest of the crowd at the concert venue, when he just wanted to hang back and wait. We bickered about that a bit, he apologized for picking a fight, and we went to sleep at his apartment.

Late this morning I got up to use the bathroom. When I came back to bed he said, "Why did you come back to bed? It is so hot in here." I couldn't tell if he was talking in his sleep or not (sometimes he does). I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He shook his head and went back to sleep. I left. For one thing, it was hot in there. Also, I do not want to be somewhere where I am not wanted. I couldn't get back to sleep once I got back to my own apartment. I really hope he was just talking in his sleep, because if he wasn't, I don't know why the hell he would think it was a good idea to say that to me when I was half asleep and crawling back into bed after a quick bathroom run. I will give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait until he wakes up and explains himself to get pissed.

So, I should get some work done today, but I feel like crap. The cold medicine isn't helping a whole lot. Maybe once I shower I will feel better.

Best Get Moving

I am supposed to be out buying food/alcohol for our concert trip (we got lawn seats so we can eat and drink), but I just woke up a little while ago, and I don't quite feel like moving yet. We decided against staying up in the 'burbs overnight, so that makes it a little easier to pack for the show. I just have to wake up first.

Yesterday was nice. We got downtown around 4, did a little bit of shopping, got an early dinner (or late lunch--since neither of us had had a real meal yesterday up to that point), saw the movie, had a couple drinks, and came home. I liked the movie. I can understand why it got mixed reviews though. First, it was quite long. Close to 2 1/2 hours. I didn't mind too much, but I could tell that it was long even while I was watching it. Second, as HE pointed out to me while we were walking out of the theater, on the whole it was a bit overly sunny and happy. I think it had to be that way, but I can see how it would bother some people. And third--this is a very small point, but still bothered me for some reason--Stanford and Anthony, who hated each other throughout the series, were friends in the movie. No explanation. And Stanford's boyfriend was MIA. That was the only point that really irked me. It is so minor, but really inconsistent. I hate inconsistencies in movies. But, all in all, I enjoyed it. It was worth the trip downtown--and worth the several years that Sex and the City fans have been waiting for a movie--there had, after all, been rumors of a movie even before the series ended.

So, it was a good day. The only thing that might put a damper on today is that it is supposed to rain off and on all day/night. Not the best time to have lawn seats... But I still think we will have a good time. He and I have been getting along well these past few days. I will try not to sabotage that by picking some kind of stupid fight. I can't promise anything. I think the key is to focus on the good things. Instead of looking at the few things that I think show that he doesn't care about me, I will focus on the tons of other things that show that he does--like him buying me the Sex and the City box set, watching the entire thing with me, and then taking me to see the movie. It takes a lot of effort on my part to keep the positive thinking, but I was able to do it yesterday, so I can probably do it again today. I could feel some doubts creeping up into my head last night, but I pushed them down, we didn't fight, and we both had a good night. Time to repeat that mental exercise.

Guess I best go shower and hit the store.

Moving Forward

I did it. I deleted my account on that website. It might not have been the nicest thing to do, since I left Online Guy 2 hanging, but we barely know each other and I am sure that he won't spend much time feeling hurt over it. I just had to do it that way. I had to get off of there. It was causing me undue stress, and making me feel like a liar... like I was living a double life. I feel relieved. Although, that website would be nice if I was ACTUALLY looking to meet new people. I will keep it in mind when I find myself in a new place where I don't know anyone.

Everything is fine with him and me. He was apologetic, I was apologetic. We had a really nice day yesterday. Today, we are supposed to go downtown to see the Sex and the City movie, maybe go bowling, hit a bar or two. He is still sleeping. No big deal, I'm sure he needs the rest. I should be working on my thesis right now, but I know that we will go downtown once he wakes up and we both have a chance to get ready, so I don't see the point in starting in on work. Tomorrow night we are going to see a concert in the suburbs. We still haven't figured out exactly how to get there, but we may stay in a hotel after the concert. There is an indoor go-cart track right near the concert venue, and he loves stuff like that--so we could hit that on Saturday if we stay overnight. It doesn't look like it will be a very productive weekend for me, but my only deadline now is that I have to have a draft of my thesis passed in by July 11. I think I can manage that. If we do decide to do all of this this weekend, I will put the thesis out of my mind and ENJOY the break.

I think I am coming down with a cold. So strange. Who gets sick in the summer? I was running a fever last night. I feel better this morning, but still kind of stuffy. I feel well enough to go downtown and have fun--so that is all that matters. Hopefully he doesn't wake up with a fever...

It is so hot out. I need to find some good ice cream today. Yesterday, I was so excited because I bought some cappuccino chocolate chip ice cream AND cones. Yum. When I finally went to eat some I found, much to my horror, that I had accidentally bought non-fat, all-natural, frozen yogurt. GAG. It seriously tasted like frozen sugar water. Is there anything worse then looking forward to a good ice cream cone all day, and then finding that you bought some inedible imitation ice cream by mistake? I have had some decent frozen yogurt in my day--but THIS was just BAD. So disappointing. That definitely teaches me that I need to pay more attention while I am shopping. Read the label... READ THE LABEL...

Maybe we will have to make an ice cream shop part of our day downtown. I need to erase the memory of that frozen sugar disaster.

World War III

That is the best way I can think to describe last night. We fought. Hard. I can't even put it into coherent sentences. I can tell you how it started and how it ended, but the middle is a little fuzzy to me now. Probably for the best.

I got back from the library downtown and he met me at the grocery store (he was coming from the bar). We bought food for dinner and came home. He went and cleaned his apartment, and I did my thing in my apartment. After a couple of hours, I went over there to sit with him while he finished cleaning. He took out his pot and smoked some, and I overreacted and left. He came over to my apartment a little while later, got pissed off that I was pissed at him, and left. About fifteen minutes later, when he still wasn't back, I went and knocked on his door. He wasn't home. I called him. I could hear his phone in his apartment, which meant he went somewhere without it. I checked the laundry room and he wasn't there. I figured he must be at the bar. I started getting dressed, the whole time becoming more and more enraged. He did EXACTLY what he said he was going to stop doing the night before--he bailed out, shut down, whatever you want to call it, just because things got uncomfortable.

I started to walk to the bar, getting angrier with each step. I was about halfway there, when I spotted him across the street walking in the opposite direction. I crossed and basically let him have it. When I was finished verbally pummeling him, I walked off by myself to cool off a little bit. A few minutes later, I headed home and was surprised to find him still in my apartment. Things were a bit calmer, but then we started fighting again, and I locked myself in the bathroom. Yes, super mature. But when you have a studio apartment, there really isn't any other room to escape to. I came out about fifteen minutes later, and things were much calmer. Turns out, it was just halftime. We ate dinner and a few minutes later he went home. I went over to his apartment about a half hour later, just to make sure everything was okay.

We got in a HUGE fight. Basically it went like this:

his side: I need to stop picking fights with him. He does care about me. Yes, he has been pushing me away (physically and otherwise), but that is because he is afraid that both of us will get crushed when August ends. I am scaring him lately because I am so emotional. He wanted to have sex with me last night, but when I got mad about the pot I ruined it. I am his best friend and lover, and he just wants me to act like myself because he really enjoys spending time with me. The meltdowns have to stop.

my side: He needs to stop shutting down when we talk about serious things, because that causes my mood to escalate and keeps us from having a reasonable conversation. I am tired of him pushing me away, and if we are going to do what we are doing for the next two months, then we should do it without holding back. I can handle the expiration date, but I can't handle him putting up walls and shutting me out. It will hurt in August either way, so we should make the most of the time we have now. Basically all of my issues come down to me feeling like he only thinks of himself, and always chooses other things over me (including the pot).

After we both said all that we wanted to say, I felt better, and I felt like things were pretty well resolved. I thought wrong. I had just gotten out, "Okay, I will work on what you brought up. Can you work on what I talked about?" when he blew a gasket. I have no idea what set him off. I think he just reached his saturation point, which sucks, because I had just reached the point where I felt good about the conversation and didn't need to talk anymore. I guess I was just a few words too late. He freaked out, and started yelling about how he can't talk anymore, and would see me in the morning, etc, etc. The he went into the bathroom, and turned on the shower. He came out of the bathroom and said, "Are you coming in? But we are NOT talking." I said that it was okay and left. Then, of course, being a firm believer of "You should never go to bed angry," I went back and hugged him. We said we would see each other tomorrow, and went to bed in our respective apartments.

He came in this morning looking for his MP3 player. I was still in bed. We haven't talked at all yet today. He is helping C move this morning, and then working all afternoon. He won't be back until 4 or 5 (assuming he doesn't go to the bar after work).

I honestly don't know what to do with all of that. I am tired of having the same fights all the time too, but it seems like nothing ever changes. I feel like I got it all out of my system though. I just don't know if he is still angry, or if a night of sleep put him back to normal. I don't know if any of our plans for the weekend are still on. Aside from the movie, we were going to go out to dinner, hit an outdoor concert, and maybe go to a big guitar store so he could play some guitars that he cannot currently afford. I guess we will see this evening. I am done fighting though. I don't have anything left to say. I am spent. It is exhausting to do this every day. I really don't enjoy fighting with him--even though he seems to think that I do.

I have to work more on the thesis today. I have to get some books from the library and get organized. I also have to pick up more birth control from the school pharmacy. Some of my moodiness probably has something to do with the fact that I am about three days away from hitting the placebo pills--PMS much? I also have a lot of phone calls to make. It is my grandmother's birthday. I need to call my grandfather for Father's Day (yes, I know I am a few days late), and I want to call my brother, N, to see how work is going. N works for a big Broadway production company, and one of their musicals just won the Tony for best musical. He was at the big Tony after-party for the winning show two nights ago, and I haven't had a chance to talk to him since. I don't get to talk to him nearly as often as I would like to in general. So I will call him today. I also haven't talked to R in awhile, and I miss her.

This is going to sound really strange, but I get really worried if I haven't talked to someone I care about it awhile. I get this feeling like if I don't talk to them soon, and something happens to them, I will regret missing the opportunity to talk to them. I guess it is the same as the "don't go to bed angry" thing. I don't really know why I think that way. I guess it is a little overly morbid. And I don't have any reason to feel so paranoid about it--I have never lost anyone suddenly. I have only lost people who were sick, and who I had time to say goodbye to. I guess I just have always thought like that. I know that bad things happen, and I don't want to leave anything unsaid. I used to write goodbye letters to people I love and hide them in my diary. NOT suicide letters--just letters in case something happened to me unexpectedly. I guess this type of thinking is why I said "I love you" to HIM, even knowing that I would not hear it back. Thinking like this really might be bad for me. I feel like I am always bracing for a disaster. I just can't help it.

So, I will make my phone calls, do my thesis prep, pick up my pills, and hope that he comes home right after work so we can put last night's fight behind us. I am exhausted, but I need to accomplish something today...

Being Productive: Day 2

I spent a good four hours at the archive yesterday--which is a long time to sit staring at a microfilm reader. And I will do it again today. It is not nearly as bad going down there now that I don't have class work to worry about.

Last night, we had a different kind of fight. Or the same kind of fight, which I handled differently. I started it. We were eating dinner at my house and watching TV, and he said something about having to go back to his apartment and work more on his paper. I, for some reason, was in a bit of a mood and said something like, "Right. You just want to get out of here so you can go masturbate again." Yikes. Low-blow. He let the comment pass... until about an hour later when he said, "Well, I guess it is time for me to go masturbate. That comment kind of stung you know." I said, "Okay, well let's talk. I know I shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry, but I do feel like in general you are always passing me over for something." And, like he usually does, he immediately clammed up. He said, "Let's just watch the show," and stared blankly off into the screen. And I lost it. I definitely got louder and I started crying. The rest of the conversation went like this:

ME: You have GOT to stop shutting down like this every time we have a serious conversation. It is not fair.
HIM: I'm sorry. I guess I'm just scared.
ME: SCARED OF WHAT?! THIS IS ENDING IN AUGUST. I KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW THAT. YOU ARE WASTING THE TIME THAT WE DO HAVE. YOU ARE WASTING THIS!

And then he snapped right out of it. I finally broke through the wall that he puts up every time we have a serious conversation. He looked at me, and I could tell he actually HEARD what I said. He said, "You're right. I'm sorry." And then he hugged me. But I was still all worked up. I told him I needed to take a walk. He seemed stunned--after all, I am never one to walk away from a discussion before it is completely resolved. But I had to get out of the apartment. So I left. Took a walk. Sat in the building courtyard. When I came back, he was still in my apartment. He walked over to me, picked me up, put me on the bed, and held me. He kept saying "I am so sorry," over and over again. I told him that I couldn't handle his walls anymore. He listened to what I had to say, and he said that he understood and would stop shutting me out.

I think that he might finally get it. I deserve openness and vulnerability from him. I have given him that, and I have accepted his plans (that don't include me), and have given him advice on jobs, and school applications, and everything. I am just asking him to allow himself to open up in these last two months. It is going to hurt for both of us either way when the end of August comes. We may as well have the best relationship that we can while it lasts.

I went to sleep at his apartment last night, but the combination of his snoring, the heat (for some reason his apartment is hotter than mine), and leftover emotions from earlier in the night brought me back to my apartment early-on. I think I just needed to sleep alone. I will be alone at the archive all day today. I think I need the time to recuperate.

It looks like Thursday or Friday him and I will go downtown to eat, see the Sex and the City movie, and whatever else. We might just make a day of it. It will be a nice change of pace from our normal sitting around between writing papers routine.

I didn't try to call R last night, but I need to decide very soon what to do about Online Guy 2's invitation. I am going back and forth in my head about it. Maybe if we met for lunch? It is a more casual meal. But there is still the little problem of me not actually looking for anything. Considering that it is a dating website, it is very possible that he IS actually looking for something. Is it really right of me to meet up with him, already knowing that it can't go anywhere for me? Maybe I am over-thinking this.

Okay, on with my day. It will be interesting to see if/how things change between him and me now...

Back to Work

I am getting ready to head down to the archive. I think I am ready to get back to the thesis after my long weekend off. I think I will do the archive today and tomorrow, then do some writing/book reading for the rest of the week.

He wants to take me to see the Sex and the City movie on Wednesday or Thursday. I don't care if most people said it sucked. I need to see it. He and I are almost finished watching the series, so he won't be lost during the movie. I think we have 8 episodes left. And he actually enjoys watching it. Go figure. I think that a lot of guys would enjoy the show, but they think it is a "girl show," and are unwilling to try.

We had minor drama last night. I had to run to the store, and asked him if he wanted me to get anything for him. He listed a few items, and I headed out. I came back about fifteen minutes later and walked into his apartment to find him... masturbating... again. How do I always manage to walk in on him doing that? We have stopped knocking on each others doors. I don't really know when that happened--it just did. I lock my door when I don't want him to bust in. I guess he forgot to do the same. After my initial reaction of surprise mixed with embarrassment, came the inevitable onset of irritation. He has not really been in the mood to do anything for the past week. He never is when he has a lot of work to get done. But I just felt passed over, rejected, undesirable. I know it was semi-silly of me to feel that way, so I worked hard to knock myself out of it. He stopped working (and "working"), and we ended up just relaxing and hanging out for the rest of the night. I am starting to get overly emotional. The end is just coming up so fast. I miss him already.

The Online Guys both replied. Online Guy 1 was pretty terse. He almost seemed irritated. His message wasn't very open-ended. If I want to, I can just let the correspondence end with his response. Online Guy 2, however, is more persistent. He answered my message, and ended by asking me directly if I want to meet up for dinner this weekend. Definitely can't ignore that question. So I am not sure what to do about that. People should not be allowed to drunkenly sign up for these sites. I shouldn't have answered any messages. I stopped answering new messages. But what to do about this guy? He seems nice. Dinner seems safe, as long as it is somewhere public. But HE doesn't know about any of this--I feel like I am living a double life. And, again, I am not looking to start anything up. I am not exactly emotionally available. Plus, I live waaaay in the south end of the city, and he lives waaaay in the north. I don't have a car. I guess we could meet somewhere in the middle... I don't know. I wish I could ask someone's advice about this. Maybe I will try to call R tonight. It is Monday--there is a good chance she will be going home after work. Yes, that is what I'll do. I hope she is there.

Last Day Off

Tomorrow, I have to get to work on my thesis. Back to the archive downtown for the first time in about a month. So this is my last day to be lazy.

I woke up around noon (it is way too easy to get used to this "sleeping in" thing), called my Dad to say "Happy Father's Day," drank my coffee, and now I am doing this. I really don't know what to do next. Maybe it is good that I am getting back to work tomorrow. Having nothing to do is one of those things that sounds great when you are really busy, but then really isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I haven't heard back from either Online Guy, which makes my life easier. I know that I don't have to keep these conversations going--I have just always been terrible at getting myself out of semi-awkward situations. It is easier if I don't have anything to respond to. I really need to take my profile off that site. As soon as I can find a way to get out of these conversations gracefully...

Things are fine with him. He is being all lovey-dovey lately, saying things like, "I am so lucky to have you," "I really enjoy spending time with you," and "You're so pretty." It is nice, but also a little odd. He does say stuff like that on occasion, but not as much as he has lately. Either he thinks I am upset and need the extra boost, or he is thinking about the end of August too and is getting more emotional lately. It is almost unsettling. But it is much better than fighting, so I will take it. He is still working on his paper, and will be for a few more days. He has been sleeping here after he finishes work for the night, but we really haven't had much time to get into fights lately. Maybe more time apart is what we needed.

K's mother has been in town since Wednesday. I'm not sure when she leaves. I miss hanging out with K. I want to make plans with her. Maybe I will call her sometime today. I also want to make some firm plans with C, but we aren't yet the kind of friends who call each other. We are more like acquaintances. I need to get over these little bouts of shyness and just do what I want to do.

I think for now though, I will just enjoy my last day off and put everything off for one more day.

Lazy Day

I just woke up 15 minutes ago. I can't remember the last time I slept this late. I feel guilty, even though I don't have anything pressing to do today.

I messaged both Online Guys back. Online Guy 1 actually made it easier for me. He sent me another message yesterday morning just saying that he hopes my finals went well. So I responded to that message, rather than the one asking if I wanted to meet. I know, I know... I took the lame, easy way out. Online Guy 2 and I had been exchanging messages about restaurants, and the part I was having trouble responding to read: "We should meet up and grab a bite after your finals are over." So I didn't respond directly to that. I said, "I really should get up there and try some new places." So, I semi-acknowledged the question. And honestly, out of the Online Guys, #2 would be the one I would be more likely to want to meet up with. #1 is nice, but he is a little TOO eager. He will send multiple messages if I don't respond for awhile, and to be completely honest, I am not sure from his pictures that I would have any sort of attraction to him. I know, shallow. But there has to be SOME attraction. Maybe there would be if I met him. I don't know. 2 is more patient with the message sending, and is cute in his pictures. Messages between him and I seem more natural and casual. On paper, 1 fits better, in reality, I think 2 does. Anyways, all of this is a moot point. I am not going to meet either of them.

I went to the bar last night. A group of mutual friends (with HIM), are all packing up and getting ready to leave town after they graduate today. Except for C, who was there, who is not leaving the city altogether, but is just moving downtown. Her boyfriend, J, is off in military training for three weeks as of a week ago. I might be seeing more of C. We made some tentative plans for the near future. I wish I had gotten to really know her sooner. We get along pretty well. Aside from C, him, and me, there were 3 other people that we know, 2 people that he knows but I don't, and 1 person that is a friend of those people.

All in all, it was a nice night. The only tough part was hearing about everyone scattering now that they've graduated, and being reminded, once again, that he and I will be scattering in a couple months. Having to answer questions about what I am doing after August, and hear him do the same... just no fun. And to make things worse, one of the people that he knows but I don't waited for him to go outside to smoke, and immediately turned to me and asked, "So, are you and him a couple?" I seriously thought I was done answering that question. I gave some falsely calm answer about how for now we basically are, but when August comes we decided it was best to go our separate ways. I have found that that is the easiest way to answer that question.

I was still a little blue when we got home. He asked me if he'd done something wrong. I told him that he hadn't. He said, "I know, the 'impending doom' gets to me too." At least he was feeling the same thing as me for once.

He is working on his paper all day. It is still hot here. I am not sure what to do today. I still need to look for a job. I am putting it off for some reason. I will poke around at job listings today. The good news is, that cherries are finally in season! I love love love cherries. It is good to have a healthy snack that I want to eat in large quantities for a change. It will keep me away from the Kettle Chips.

Better Today

Well, yesterday was nice and dramatic. About an hour after our initial confrontation, my "need to fix it" kicked in. I had calmed down, and wanted to smooth things over. I knocked on his door, promised that I came in peace, and calmly apologized for upsetting him, while explaining to him why I got so upset. He, apparently, was not ready to talk yet. He rolled his eyes approximately every twenty seconds, and was generally being an asshole. I asked him what he was so mad about. He said, "I am not mad at you, I am mad at myself. I haven't been treating you very well. I am just scared." I didn't ask him what he was scared of. I said, okay, said that he obviously wanted to be alone, and left. Four hours later, there was still no sign of him.

Considering that four hours had passed, and I still felt an uncontrollable urge to fix things, I went back over. He looked much happier. He asked me to come lay down and he hugged me, and told me he was sorry. He said that I had done nothing wrong, and that he shouldn't have been such an asshole to me. I decided that it was best not to ask any more questions, even though I wanted to bring up the "I am just scared" comment. I just let it go.

This morning, he turned to me and said, "Thank you for being so good to me. You are a good woman." I really hate it when he says, "You are a good woman," because what I hear is: "You are a good woman, but not good enough." I know that that is not what he is saying, but given the situation, I can't help but tack that last part on in my head.

So the fight has passed, but, as usual, all of the underlying issues remain. He is working and at the library all day, which gives me some breathing room. I still can't bring myself to get started on my thesis. Maybe I just need until Monday? As long as I REALLY start on Monday... Today, I guess I need to clean, do laundry, maybe go grocery shopping so I can actually cook a real meal for the first time in a long time. And, yes, I guess I should message the Online Guys back. I still don't know what to say. Maybe I can just ignore the part of their messages where they mentioned meeting? No. That is immature. But tempting. I will message them right now. Get it over with.

I Went and Picked a Fight

Again. One of the same fights that we have over and over.

The problem is, that every time I try to initiate something physical, his response is, "No," "I'm not in the mood," or "Maybe later." It is not that we aren't having sex. We are. But it is only when HE initiates it. He just can't bend at all for me. I told him that it bothered me, and he very sarcastically said, "You're right, I'm sorry," and then attempted to walk out. I asked him why he couldn't sit and have a conversation with me about it. He sat down, made a couple of shitty comments about being sick of having the same conversation, and then left. What the fuck? Seriously. The only reason that I still bring it up (and I have maybe brought it up four times in the entire time we've known each other), is because he says "sorry, I will work on it," and then nothing changes. It is not that I NEEDED to have sex right then or anything, it is the principle of the thing. It is ALWAYS all about what HE wants, WHEN he wants it. Everything is about HIM. I am so sick of feeling like what I want NEVER matters in this "relationship."

I am so sick of just being his "lady," as he calls me. Such bullshit. He will never be willing to give up even the tiniest thing for me. That is what that bullshit title means. It is all about what is convenient for him, what he wants to do, and what he is willing to put on the line. I have been very accepting of the fact that he has plans for his future that he is unwilling to consider altering in any way to fit me into them. I cannot handle him being unwilling to change small things in the present too. I am accomodating all the time for him. I compromise, and bend, and shift. It should be a two-way street. We are not talking major changes here. I just want him to make room for me in his life, rather than feeling like I have to fit myself into his life as it already is. I am sick of always being the one who bends.

I will NOT be knocking on his door. He needs to learn how to carry on an adult conversation without clamming up and storming out. I guess it doesn't matter. In a couple of months it will all be in the past.

Finally

I am done with my huge term paper. Now I am going to relax for a day or two before jumping into the thesis. No rest for the weary (Or very little rest).

Alone time didn't last terribly long last night. He ended up asking me if I wanted to hang out with him after a couple of hours. But it was good to have some time to myself. And now that he is working on a paper, and I am not, I will have more time to myself.

I think I really am resigned to the end of August coming. I haven't even felt the need to write about it lately. It only stings once in awhile when he mentions jobs he is looking at, etc., but I am doing my best to live in the moment. I need to start looking for jobs myself. Something to add to my list of things I need to get done in the next couple of weeks. I wonder where I will end up? I am definitely not tied to this city... or anywhere else for that matter. I have been putting off the job search because, frankly, it made me too sad. But I can't put it off too much longer. Time to face reality.

I still haven't done anything about Online Guys. I really would prefer not to meet up with either of them. I keep getting messages from new people on that website too. I'm not responding to any of them. I already stupidly struck up conversations with two of them. And, as I've said before, they seem really nice. It is just that, I am probably moving in a couple of months, and I already have a guy, even if he really isn't mine. I will message them both back tomorrow. I am really not sure what to say. I should probably get rid of that profile. Once I figure out what to say to these two guys, and say it, I will probably delete my account. There is really no need to be on there when I don't actually want to meet new guys at this point.

I guess I have a nice evening of relaxing, maybe reading a magazine, and trying to stay cool in this heat ahead.

Alone Time

I finished working on my paper for the day. Just a few more edits before I pass it in tomorrow and I will be good to go.

After I finished working for the day, I went over his house to eat some of my leftover Chinese food from last night. He was watching a dvd, so I sat with him while I ate. I have known him for awhile now, and I think I know him pretty well... and I got this feeling that something wasn't quite right. I don't know why, but I just had a feeling that he didn't really feel like having me there. So, I asked him if he wanted to be alone. He deflected the question. So I said, "Look, this is not a trap. It is okay to want alone time. Do you want to be alone?" He said, "Half and half." So I said okay, and left him to his alone time. I think I handled that well.

The thing is, I am a tiny, tiny bit hurt. Trust me, I didn't show it. That would have been unreasonable of me, and mostly, I understand. We spend A LOT of time together. I probably need some alone time too. It is just that when think about what little time we have left, I have a hard time detaching. But maybe it will be refreshing. The only thing that irks me, is that he asked me to buy beer on my way home from the library today, and it is all in his fridge. I guess I will just go get some if I want any.

So, considering I am not going to do any more work today, I have to decide what to do with all my alone time. Maybe I will rent a movie on OnDemand. It is too hot to go outside, and all of my other friends here are still working on finals. So, yes, I will watch a movie that I know he will not want to watch with me. I will have a "me" afternoon. I SHOULD wash my masses of dishes and clean my apartment, but I think that can wait until I turn my paper in tomorrow.

I still haven't decided what to do about the Online Guys. I feel like I am reaching the number of days where it is weird not to have responded (at least to the first one). What kills me is that I don't have anyone to get advice from on this. I can't talk to HIM about it. K, the only other person here who I would be comfortable talking to about something like that, has her mother in town this week and isn't around. I could call R, but she works all the time now, and I probably won't be able to get a hold of her. I guess this will be a good lesson in independence. I have to figure this one out on my own.

So, maybe a quick shower to cool down, then a movie. Alone time could be fun.

A Bigger Hole

And now Online Guy 2 has also asked me to get together with him after I am finished with my finals. I am stupid, stupid, stupid for not seeing this coming. I will have to deal with both Online Guys soon, but really, my brain is way too fried for me to care too much right now. I have been working on this damn paper all day and I am exhausted. I still have all day tomorrow and Wednesday until about 2PM to work on it, so I may quit for the day. I think I will have enough time to get it done...

He is done with one paper and taking the night off. Which means that he will get drunk and high and watch James Bond. Which annoys me a tiny bit, but I am trying to keep my annoyance to myself, since it is his night off. He just disappears when he smokes. But he hasn't done it in awhile now, so I can handle one night. He cooked for me last night, which was a pleasant change. Of course, now my sink is stuffed full of dishes... but I guess I should focus on the positive rather than the negative. He claimed he was going to do the dishes today, but I won't hold my breath. It was a nice gesture anyways.

I am starting to think about the year ending again, and I am afraid that it is bringing my mood down. I think he can tell. I will try to perk up. I don't want to have the same damn meltdown/argument again about him not wanting this to continue beyond August. And, again, my brain is too tired to give it much thought at the moment. I think I will go get a beer out of his fridge and find something to do to unwind.

Digging a Hole

I still have my profile on that dating site--mainly because I have been exchanging messages with two particular guys. I have not responded to any of the other ones, since I am not, after all, looking for dates. But these two guys wrote me such nice and interesting messages that I felt compelled to respond. It has all just been casual and friendly. It didn't seem like a huge deal to keep responding to their messages. Until now. One of them suggested that we meet up to watch a movie sometime after all of my finals are done. Uh oh. Definitely should have seen that coming. This is a problem to me for several reasons.

1. I signed up for this site out of drunken anger, not because I actually wanted to meet guys to date. It was all good and fun when I was just emailing with them, but I don't actually want to MEET them.
2. Not so sure how I feel about meeting people from the internet in general. Especially not to watch a movie. Maybe to get a cup of coffee--something public and very casual. Meeting for a movie (and it didn't sound like he meant to go OUT to a movie), is just not smart for so many reasons.
3. I am not exactly available. Although I am technically single, I am obviously all wrapped up in HIM emotionally. Plus, he sleeps at my apartment every night now, we spend 90% of our time together, and I know he would NOT be okay with me dating anyone (we have had that conversation). And even if he doesn't actually get any say in whether or not I date people (considering he doesn't want to actually commit to me), I am relatively happy with our situation as it is now and don't want to rock the boat.

So, I am not exactly sure what to respond to Online Guy. I figure I have a few days to respond before it seems like I am blowing him off. I don't think I am really okay with just deleting my profile without offering some sort of explanation--he, and the other guy, have been nothing but nice, and I don't want to be so rude to them. So I don't really know what to do. Tell him that I am emotionally unavailable (which would bring up the very fair question on his part of why I am on the site at all), tell him I am not comfortable meeting yet, meet with him but suggest coffee instead of a movie...? I feel like I am living a double life.

And on top of all of that, him and I are actually in a pretty good place at the moment. He managed to temper his "finals mode" a bit after I told him how I felt about it, and has even offered to cook me dinner (AND do the dishes) tomorrow night, since I will be working on my 25 page paper and he will be taking the night off between papers. We have been watching the Sex and the City box set together, and he actually seems to be enjoying it. He says that he wants to watch it so that as soon as finals end he can take me out to a nice dinner and to see the movie. We have settled into a pleasant routine. Work all day, watch some Sex and the City, go to bed. Sadly, no time for sex in all of this. But HE even brought that up, saying that he knows we haven't done that in a few days, and he hopes that I don't think there is anything wrong because of it, that it is just a lag during finals. Overall, he has been attentive, and supportive, and affectionate lately. It might also have something to do with the fact that I have managed not to have any meltdowns for awhile now. The calm period continues.

At the moment, I am working on my paper and avoiding the issue of Online Guy. And I will continue to avoid it for the time being.

Day 2 of Finals Hell

Definitely overslept this morning, but I have been working fairly hard, so I guess no harm done. Well, I have been working hard with the exception of a two hour break in the middle of the day. Yeah, that wasn't a great idea. But, in any case, I am almost done with my final (which is due by tomorrow at noon anyways), and then I can just focus on the 25 page paper that is due on Wednesday. I am a little nervous about finishing it in time. Nothing like no choice.

I am becoming a little annoyed with him at the moment. He is in finals mode too, and he becomes pretty difficult to be around during finals. He still knocks on my door and wants to spend time with me--he is just very self-involved and quiet. It becomes all about him. HE is stressed, HE wants to bounce ideas off of me, HE wants a back rub. On top of that, he is so absorbed in his own world of work, that he only listens about 20% of the time when I am talking. So he will talk about how stressed he is, I will listen and help him reason through things, then I will try to talk about my work, and he will completely space out. It really grates on my nerves. I am stressed out too, and I cannot take on all of his stress on top of mine! So I have no problem not knocking on his door at the moment.

And when he gets quiet and self-involved like that it makes me feel crappy in general, because it reminds me that when it comes down to it, he will never be willing to make room for me in his life. It is all about him--unless he needs me around to make himself feel better about something.

I think I am being a little overly bitter and cranky. I guess I am just worn out from working all day. I don't know if I will be able to improve my mood until these finals are done. And actually, until his finals are done too. Until next Friday, he will be in his own little world.

This year is coming to an end so fast. If I wasn't so mentally fried right now, I would be terrified.

Wiped

I stopped working for the day a few hours ago. It was a fairly productive day I guess. Now, I feel the need to write about something that makes me feel like a bad person--my ex, M.

We ended on relatively good terms. I ended the relationship. It was the right thing to do. I knew that I would never love him the way that he loved me. On top of that, I had met the boy next door. That is not why I broke up with M, but it definitely gave me the little extra push in that direction. I have nothing but respect for M. He treated me so well. We talked once after we broke up, and both had good things to say about each other. There was no bitterness or animosity. Of course I want him to be happy. But what I have been suspecting for awhile now was finally confirmed through facebook--he has a new girlfriend.

I am happy that he is happy. I am. So why does it bother me a little bit? I guess it kind of feels like justice. He is happily in a new relationship, and I am in this unstable pseudo-relationship. I broke up with him even though he treated me so, so well. It almost feels like he deserves to be happy and I don't. M loved me and wanted to be with me, and I didn't want to be with him. I love HIM and want to be with him, and he doesn't want to be with me. Is my situation with him some type of karmic punishment for leaving M?

I know I am being silly. I know that if I didn't love M and want to be with him, it was right to leave him. But what if no one else ever loves me as much as he did? He was ALWAYS there for me. I know that if we had stayed together, it would have continued to be comfortable and stable. We always supported each other, and we always would have. Comfort and stability just wasn't enough for me. And now those are the two things that I don't have with HIM. Ironic.

So yes, M has a new girlfriend. She is pretty (that is all I can tell from facebook), he is clearly happy, and I am trying to be happy for him.

Back From The Dead

Yesterday was AWFUL. On Wednesday, after I got out of class HE called and asked if I wanted to meet him at the bar for a drink. I knew I had to pay my rent, but it wasn't due until Thursday, so I met up with him. We shared a pitcher of beer and both decided that we weren't going to do anything productive that evening--so I went to the store for food, and more alcohol. I bought a six-pack, a bottle of vodka, and some juice. We had dinner and then basically spent the evening getting trashed. We finished ALL of the alcohol. Meaning that I had about half of a standard sized bottle of vodka, and two or three beers. From what I can remember, I had a fun evening. Yesterday, I paid for it.

I have not been that hungover in ages. I was the kind of hangover where you can't even stand up for too long without feeling like you are going to collapse. There was no way I could haul my ass down to the real estate office to pay rent, so he went for me. I laid in bed all day, until about 5:00. I was feeling better, and my movie friend, who is leaving town for good after this weekend, called and invited me and him to dinner at a place downtown. Even though most of the people going were more his friends than mine, he didn't feel like going. But I went.

I felt a little awkward at first because C and her boyfriend J were there, and HE told C that I got upset about the whole "pretty lady" thing when he went to pick up his pot. I don't know why he felt it necessary to share that with her. I wasn't upset at her after I heard that story, I was upset at HIM. I actually like her now, and my reaction to the whole name thing makes me seem pretty crazy. But dinner was fine, and she didn't seem to think I was nuts. After dinner, I came back here, him and I watched a movie, then went to sleep. We are still in a calm phase.

I still don't know what to do about that dating website. I didn't sign in there at all yesterday, although from the email alerts, I know that I have about a dozen unread messages. I don't know what to do with it. I have thought about just abandoning it, but I feel like it is rude to do that without telling the people who I have exchanged a few messages with that I am not coming back. I don't have the energy to deal with it right now.

Today the work really starts. I have to be very, very productive between now and Wednesday. That is the only way I will possibly finish everything in time. I am so groggy right now. And it is so damn hot in this apartment. Even when it is not that warm outside (although it is now), it gets hot in here. Maybe a cool shower before hitting the books.

Surprises

Well, things are getting more interesting. I seriously thought about deleting my account on that website, and I probably would have if I hadn't gotten a message that asked me about some of the movies listed as my favorites. Movies are a weak point for me. I love talking about them. Me and this guy have exchanged quit a few messages now, and I enjoy talking to him. I also got another message that intrigued me. In the two days I have had a profile, about 20 guys have sent me messages. Who knew people were so outgoing? It is a bit overwhelming. I don't really want to/have time to respond to them ALL. So, I don't know what I am doing now. If it weren't for the guy I have been exchanging messages with, I would almost certainly delete. But I enjoy chatting with him. That doesn't mean I want to DATE him. We just have a lot in common, and it is nice to talk to someone new. Some of the people are a bit odd. I have one guy open a message with, "Do you know any cross dressers?" Wow. Interesting conversation starter. But aside from that, most people have been polite, and normal, and genuinely seem like they just want to meet new people. So I guess I will stay for now. I really am not interested in dating, but I think it is fun to talk to people. I never thought I would actually enjoy a "dating" site. Of course, I don't need to tell him. He would not like it.

Speaking of him... I was not entirely pleased with him during the day yesterday. As silly as it might sound, I was still a little bruised about the whole "pretty lady" thing. To make matters worse, C's boyfriend J got him more pot. Just when it was all gone! So he went to pick it up after class yesterday. It put me in a little bit of a foul mood. When he got home, I was trying to hide my annoyance, and was probably failing. But then he surprised me. He gave me a gift. The box set of the Sex and the City series! I have been wanting to get it for awhile, but was reluctant to buy it because it is kind of expensive. It is about $100 now--and as a strapped-for-cash grad student, I could not really justify the purchase. I can't believe he bought that for me! I love it, but it makes me feel almost... guilty. He is just as strapped-for-cash as me. And on top giving me the set, he watched a few episodes with me last night so he can "prepare to take [me] to see the movie." I don't know what got into him yesterday. Maybe the box set was the much more expensive equivalent of buying me flowers after feeling like he did something to upset me. And even if he should not have spent that much money, it showed much more thought than flowers. It was just REALLY sweet of him, and REALLY too much. How could I have stayed upset with him after that? We had a great night. One of the best in awhile. Just happy, and cuddling, and enjoying each other's company.

So his sweetness last night did make me feel a little more guilty about impulsively signing up for that site. But I can delete my account any time, right? It isn't even being on there that is the problem. I just feel like I am leading a double life. It is the "lie by omission" that is grinding on my conscience. And I also feel a little cheesy for signing up. I normally have a healthy skepticism about these online dating sites, but maybe I judged too soon. I am still on the fence about keeping the account, but for today, it stays.

I have my last class today. Then it is a week of finals hell. But I think after class today, I will get all the practical stuff done. Pay my rent, go to the bank, buy groceries, do my dishes, clean my apartment. Prepare for paper-writing. I think that is a good plan. Or maybe I just don't feel like starting my paper and final today. But I really do think better with a clean space. And I have to pay my rent by tomorrow. So, I am sticking to my plan.

Interesting Night

He knocked on my door a little later in the evening to try to smooth things over. I wasn't having it. So after he left, almost out of spite, I did something really odd. Mind you, I was a bit drunk, and pretty disgruntled. I joined an online dating site (if this site had them, this is where I would put the little smiley face with the buggy eyes).

It wasn't completely out of the blue. Part of the story that C told me (mentioned in my last entry) was that she met her current boyfriend through a free online dating site. I asked her more about it and she said that it is a great way to meet people in the area you're living in, even if you are just looking for new friends. So in my fit of anger and drunkenness, I signed up for the site.

Him and I talked more later in the evening, and I let it go, he slept here, everything is fine. I woke up before him this morning and got up and checked me email and I had three messages from people on this site. It had kind of slipped my mind that I'd signed up the night before.

So, I feel silly. Even if this might (MIGHT) be an okay idea under normal circumstances, I am: 1) probably moving in 3 months, and should not be trying to meet new people here at this point, and 2) HE would not like it one bit.

The thing is, one of the messages that I got really interested me. It can't hurt to message back, right?

Have to run off to class.

So Much For Lasting Until The End Of The Week...

I just got back from the get-together. The girl, C, formerly known as "the girl who has a boyfriend but still wants him," was there. I really like her now (as I said in earlier posts). But she told me the story about when she first met her current boyfriend. She went to the neighborhood bar, and she heard someone behind her say, "hey pretty lady, can I buy you a drink?" She turned around and it wasn't her date... it was HIM. My HIM. Now the issue that I have with that is that he told me that MY nickname with him is "pretty lady." He told me that he doesn't/hasn't used that with anyone else. Then I hear from C (who did not know the significance of that name to me), that he called her that.

When I got back, I confronted him about it. He said, "That is my name for your. I guess I transferred it to her just that once... I really can't talk about this now, I am getting ready for a presentation."

Such complete and utter bullshit. One thing that I thought was really mine. I guess I have nothing with him that really belongs to me. I am just being played.

Monday Is Not So Bad

Feeling pretty good today. Despite the insane amount of work that I have to do this week, I am staying pretty positive. I am definitely already feeling guilty about going to that party tonight, but she is my friend and I should see her before she leaves. I wish I could just read all day in preparation, but I have class for two hours this afternoon, and after that I have to go to the store to buy vodka (I asked what I should bring, and that was my assignment).

Must... not... drink... vodka. Vodka is my Achilles heel. You can mix it with anything, you can barely taste it, and it is alarmingly easy to drink too much. I will bring the vodka, but I really should stick with beer. I have had many an embarrassing drunken incident that started with vodka. And considering that I have to make a 5-6 block trek back home, by myself, after the party (the blocks are big and it can get a little sketchy here at night), I should take it easy. But there isn't really a drink that can top a vodka and tonic in my book. Except maybe a lemon drop martini. I got this recipe off of Oprah (yes, Oprah) about two years ago. It is fantastic. Juice 3 lemons (fresh is so much better than the bottled juice--I've tried both), add two tablespoons of sugar, two shots of vodka, a few fresh mint leaves, shake over ice and pour in sugar-rimmed martini glass, garnish with mint leaves. SO good. And the mint really does add something. Fresh lemon drop martinis may be one of my favorite things at the moment, now that the weather is warming up (first time it has been in the 80s since last August/September).

Speaking of things to love as the weather warms up--I also love my new razor. Sometimes I shower at his house, and wind up using his razor. The first time I used his razor, I realized that it was far superior to my razor. They are the same brand. He has the "boy" version, and I have the "girl" version. Wow, the girl version does not stack up AT ALL. I have the Gillette Venus--like half of the girls I know. He has the Gillette Mach 3. So yesterday, I bought myself a Mach 3. Even though I know that it is silly to buy into the marketing, I have to admit that I felt a little odd buying a guy's razor. They were even in a separate part of the aisle than the women's razors. You have to walk past the colorful pink, orange, and purple ladies' razors and go waaaaay down the aisle to find these sad looking silver, gray, and black men's razors. But after I used his razor for the first time, I knew that I had to have one. I don't understand why there is such a difference in how they work. Seriously, women have more areas to shave than men, and on average, probably care more about how smooth the razor gets those areas. Now that I know, it is only ugly black and silver razors for me.

And since I am on a "things that are great in warm weather" kick, I may as well add Ciao Bella Lemon Sorbet. Holy CRAP that stuff is good. I was looking for Italian ice at the grocery store, and that was the closest they had. I am so glad they didn't have Italian ice. This stuff is amazing. It is the perfect mix of sour and sweet. It might rival my love for lightly salted Kettle Chips--which I am no longer allowed to buy, since the bags never last for more than two days in my apartment.

So, obviously I am feeling pretty perky today. Things are still nice and calm with me and him. Believe it or not, this may be one of the longest calm stretches we've had in awhile. I think that is because: 1) he is out of pot (finally) and it is pretty hard for him to find more around here, and 2) I have managed to stop freaking out every time he talks about his plans for next year. Maybe I have actually finally come to grips with it. Whatever the reason, I am glad. I feel so much better when we are not fighting. I am not going to fool myself into thinking it can go on like this forever, but it would be nice if it at least lasted through the week. The only things raining on my parade today are the amount of work I have to do, and some revelations about my most recent ex, M. But since I have to get to class, and don't feel like bringing down my mood this morning by writing about mopey stuff, that can wait until next time.

Shame

I am so weak. Shock of the century, right? He knocked on my door yesterday afternoon and apologized. Profusely. He chalked his attitude up to drunkenness, said he was sorry for being so mean to me, and asked me to talk to him. Despite all of my ranting and raving on here about being "done," my anger just melted away. He seemed so sincere. He asked how angry I was after I left his apartment Friday night. I told him that by the time I got home (which took about ten seconds) I wasn't really ANGRY anymore--which is true. He asked if that was because I didn't give a shit anymore. I told him it wasn't. That is also true. I apologized for getting out of hand in the way I was yelling at him. Basically, I let him off the hook. And I guess I let myself off the hook as well. I am clearly not strong enough to end this. Not without someone like R in my corner. She knows about the situation, but it is too hard for her to comment on it from afar. Especially since we don't talk very often. I know she doesn't approve, but I think she is hesitant to offer too much advice. Shame on me for being so weak.

We spent all yesterday and most of today together. I slept at his apartment last night. As usually happens after our fights, we are in a nice calm period right now. Sex, food, movies, doing homework together, joking around, and cuddling. And honestly, it is these calm periods that keeps me in this. When it is good, it is SO good.

I think that I have been better, yesterday and today, about hearing about/giving him advice on his future plans. It still stings, but I know that I have to be supportive. I am in this situation by choice, and I need to accept the terms of it. I am sure that I will go into another downswing before long and get all pissy at him for what he wants in the future, pick more fights, feel like I am "really done with it this time," and then forgive, apologize, and move into another calm period. I am an emotional person. I am stressed about school and about the future. I am handling all of this horribly. But, who am I kidding? It is going to keep cycling around just like this until it ends. I guess I will enjoy this calm while it lasts.

One of my movie friends is graduating in June rather than August and will be leaving the city (for good) in a week. She is having a little party tomorrow night to say goodbye/celebrate. I am so stressed with all of the work I have to do this week, but I should (and will) go. We are not super close, but I like her and want to see her before she goes. Plus, it is good to make plans away from him. I just have to work like mad until tomorrow night so I am not thinking about work the whole time I am there. I have to have all of my remaining work done for my classes by June 11. Well, June 8 for one of them. That includes a 25 page paper and a 10 page paper. I haven't started either. Eep. I am just a tad behind. Somehow, I always manage to get it done--I am sure I will get it done this time too. Then all I have left is my MA thesis--first draft due July 11, final draft due August 1. I can't wait until it is done, but I am also conflicted because when it is finished my time here will be almost up. My time with him.

It is amazing how much changes in a year. This time last year, I was just about to graduate college, had a stable long-term boyfriend, had my best friend R always at my side, and was nervous about moving here for this graduate program. I could never have predicted what this city would bring.

Back to work so I can enjoy the party tomorrow. I'll try to avoid any fights tonight and tomorrow. Those always kill my work ethic.