Better Today

Well, yesterday was nice and dramatic. About an hour after our initial confrontation, my "need to fix it" kicked in. I had calmed down, and wanted to smooth things over. I knocked on his door, promised that I came in peace, and calmly apologized for upsetting him, while explaining to him why I got so upset. He, apparently, was not ready to talk yet. He rolled his eyes approximately every twenty seconds, and was generally being an asshole. I asked him what he was so mad about. He said, "I am not mad at you, I am mad at myself. I haven't been treating you very well. I am just scared." I didn't ask him what he was scared of. I said, okay, said that he obviously wanted to be alone, and left. Four hours later, there was still no sign of him.

Considering that four hours had passed, and I still felt an uncontrollable urge to fix things, I went back over. He looked much happier. He asked me to come lay down and he hugged me, and told me he was sorry. He said that I had done nothing wrong, and that he shouldn't have been such an asshole to me. I decided that it was best not to ask any more questions, even though I wanted to bring up the "I am just scared" comment. I just let it go.

This morning, he turned to me and said, "Thank you for being so good to me. You are a good woman." I really hate it when he says, "You are a good woman," because what I hear is: "You are a good woman, but not good enough." I know that that is not what he is saying, but given the situation, I can't help but tack that last part on in my head.

So the fight has passed, but, as usual, all of the underlying issues remain. He is working and at the library all day, which gives me some breathing room. I still can't bring myself to get started on my thesis. Maybe I just need until Monday? As long as I REALLY start on Monday... Today, I guess I need to clean, do laundry, maybe go grocery shopping so I can actually cook a real meal for the first time in a long time. And, yes, I guess I should message the Online Guys back. I still don't know what to say. Maybe I can just ignore the part of their messages where they mentioned meeting? No. That is immature. But tempting. I will message them right now. Get it over with.