More of the Same

As I mentioned before, K is leaving tomorrow. I agreed to go to breakfast with her at 9AM tomorrow before her flight. That is a little early for me these days, so I will probably be a complete zombie, but I definitely want to spend time with her before she leaves. I should probably go down and visit her today too. I know I will be sad not being able to do that whenever I want once she leaves. Another one leaves the city. After she goes, it will really just be me and him. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I went to Borders yesterday and found a couple of books. The one I started reading yesterday was exactly the kind of book I was looking for. I had heard good things about it here and there, so I decided to give it a shot. So far it is fantastic. The Time Traveler's Wife. It is so different from anything I've read, and it is good and long. I read about 120 pages yesterday and it barely looks like I made a dent in it. I want to read it all day today, but of course I have the thesis to work on. I miss the days when summer actually meant vacation.

I think it might be my parents' wedding anniversary today. I am terrible with all dates except for my parents' birthdays and my brother's birthday. Anything else, I inevitably forget. Each year I mean to write down their anniversary when I finally figure out which day it is, and each year I forget. Last year was their 25th, so that was more important to remember, but my mom gets upset when my brother and I forget. I forgot to send a card, which I meant to do about a week ago. I do know that their anniversary is sometime in the second half of June. I guess I should call today and take my chances. My mom's birthday is coming up in mid-July, so I should get a package together for that. Not that I would forget her birthday.

So, I still feel like he is holding himself back with me. I have been leaving all physical interaction to him, and while he has been affectionate, he hasn't tried to do anything with me since... last Friday? To be fair, I do have my period right now (too much information?), but he doesn't know that. I GENTLY brought things up with him last night. I asked how he was doing with the whole "keeping his walls down" thing. He said, "I'm here, aren't I?" And I said, "Yes, but it is not really just about being physically present. Have you just not been in the mood to do anything physical lately?" He said, "Yeah, my stomach hasn't been feeling very well." Which is plausible, since he has not been eating before about 4PM every day, then eating crap, crap, and more crap--waffles, ice cream, hot pockets, pizza... but just to cover all my bases I asked, "And that isn't just like how you said 'I'm tired' a few days ago and then admitted later that it was really you pushing me away?" He said, "No, it really is my stomach." So I let it go. We will see how things develop over the next few days.

He did manage to irk me a bit last night, but I am actually very proud of my reaction. He was in here editing his thesis all night, because he likes having the TV in the background while he edits. So he was editing, and I was watching some TV. He stopped editing around 11, and I was ready to stop watching TV, so I picked up my book and he watched TV. At some point, he decided that he wanted the light off because it was giving off a bit of heat--so he turned it off. Problem was, I was still reading and this put me and my book completely in the dark. So I mentioned that I was reading, in case he had just had a momentary space-out, and he basically said that he knew that, but that it was cooler in the dark. Even though I was a little peeved, I figured I should pick my battles from now on (I have been doing too much snapping at small things), so I put the book aside and watched TV with him. A few minutes later, I got up to use the bathroom, and when I came back the TV was off. He had apparently decided that it was time to sleep. So with that on top of the light incident, I could not contain my need to snap at him--but I did it pretty calmly. I said, "Hey, you are pretty assertive today. First the light, now the TV. I wasn't really done watching that." He gave a really half-hearted sorry, which of course just wound me up more. I said something about it not being all about him. He said, "Okay, then I'll leave. I'm kind of tired of the bitching anyways." And THAT is where I normally would have started shooting steam out of my ears. Instead, I told him that I hate it when he leaves in a bad mood, asked him to stay, and found a flashlight to read with. Maybe I didn't stand up for myself enough there, but the compromise (on my part) seemed worth avoiding a nasty little spat.

In general, I feel a slight bit of tension--or even hostility--between us. I think that with everyone else gone or leaving, things are getting a bit intense. I think we are both scared, are both cranky because it is so hot in these damn apartments, and are both tired of the same old circles that we can't seem to get out of. I know where it stems from for me--the same old issues of his walls, his future not including me, etc, etc. In some way, my snapping at him is a defensive measure. I am reacting to the distance that he keeps between us. I am tired though. It is more exhausting being in a pseudo-relationship than a real one. So why do I do it to myself? I guess it comes down to choices at this point. I have no friends here besides him (which is really true after tomorrow). He lives next door, which makes him unavoidable. And of course--I am in love with him. Is there any other realistic option?

At least I have some good books to read now. Those always distract me better than anything else--better than movies, TV, magazines, work. I can really get lost in a good novel, and lost is just what I want to be right now.