One More Chance

I got the "I'm sorry I was such an asshole last night" phone call at 4:30 yesterday. I said, "It's okay," and not much else. He came home around 6:00 with dinner and continued to apologize profusely. I told him it really wasn't the "asshole" thing that was still bothering me--it was the fact that he couldn't stop with the walls and the pushing me away. I said, "the only advantage to knowing that this is going to end, is that we have a chance to make the most of and appreciate the time we have." He said he will try. I am so sick of hearing that from him in general that it really took until sometime around midnight for me to start acting normal again. The last thing I said about it was, "If you give me walls or pull away from me one more time, I'm DONE." And I meant it. I was almost done this time. Something inside me was so close to just switching off. Part of me feels like something has changed for me. I slept at my own apartment last night. I could have stayed at his place, but I didn't really want to. I think I am hanging back to see if anything actually changes before I open myself up again.

In other news, I just applied for my degree. I am not going to walk at graduation--I did the graduation thing last year for undergrad. But, in any case, the thesis is the last thing that I have to finish before I officially have a master's degree. I still have no job. No clue what I am doing when I leave here. I do know that I have no desire to move back in with my parents. Not that I have a problem with them--I just want to stay out on my own. I have to figure out what I am doing after I leave here very soon.

The thesis is slow going. I am trying to work on it. I don't have half of the books I need. They got recalled by other library users during the last term, when I wasn't really using them anyways, and I just re-recalled them over the weekend. I hope they come back in time for me to use them. I really should have tried to get them back sooner. I will just make do with what I have for now.

K leaves soon. For good. Early next week. C has already moved downtown. My movie friends are gone. It is basically just me and him now.