Being Productive: Day 2

I spent a good four hours at the archive yesterday--which is a long time to sit staring at a microfilm reader. And I will do it again today. It is not nearly as bad going down there now that I don't have class work to worry about.

Last night, we had a different kind of fight. Or the same kind of fight, which I handled differently. I started it. We were eating dinner at my house and watching TV, and he said something about having to go back to his apartment and work more on his paper. I, for some reason, was in a bit of a mood and said something like, "Right. You just want to get out of here so you can go masturbate again." Yikes. Low-blow. He let the comment pass... until about an hour later when he said, "Well, I guess it is time for me to go masturbate. That comment kind of stung you know." I said, "Okay, well let's talk. I know I shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry, but I do feel like in general you are always passing me over for something." And, like he usually does, he immediately clammed up. He said, "Let's just watch the show," and stared blankly off into the screen. And I lost it. I definitely got louder and I started crying. The rest of the conversation went like this:

ME: You have GOT to stop shutting down like this every time we have a serious conversation. It is not fair.
HIM: I'm sorry. I guess I'm just scared.
ME: SCARED OF WHAT?! THIS IS ENDING IN AUGUST. I KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW THAT. YOU ARE WASTING THE TIME THAT WE DO HAVE. YOU ARE WASTING THIS!

And then he snapped right out of it. I finally broke through the wall that he puts up every time we have a serious conversation. He looked at me, and I could tell he actually HEARD what I said. He said, "You're right. I'm sorry." And then he hugged me. But I was still all worked up. I told him I needed to take a walk. He seemed stunned--after all, I am never one to walk away from a discussion before it is completely resolved. But I had to get out of the apartment. So I left. Took a walk. Sat in the building courtyard. When I came back, he was still in my apartment. He walked over to me, picked me up, put me on the bed, and held me. He kept saying "I am so sorry," over and over again. I told him that I couldn't handle his walls anymore. He listened to what I had to say, and he said that he understood and would stop shutting me out.

I think that he might finally get it. I deserve openness and vulnerability from him. I have given him that, and I have accepted his plans (that don't include me), and have given him advice on jobs, and school applications, and everything. I am just asking him to allow himself to open up in these last two months. It is going to hurt for both of us either way when the end of August comes. We may as well have the best relationship that we can while it lasts.

I went to sleep at his apartment last night, but the combination of his snoring, the heat (for some reason his apartment is hotter than mine), and leftover emotions from earlier in the night brought me back to my apartment early-on. I think I just needed to sleep alone. I will be alone at the archive all day today. I think I need the time to recuperate.

It looks like Thursday or Friday him and I will go downtown to eat, see the Sex and the City movie, and whatever else. We might just make a day of it. It will be a nice change of pace from our normal sitting around between writing papers routine.

I didn't try to call R last night, but I need to decide very soon what to do about Online Guy 2's invitation. I am going back and forth in my head about it. Maybe if we met for lunch? It is a more casual meal. But there is still the little problem of me not actually looking for anything. Considering that it is a dating website, it is very possible that he IS actually looking for something. Is it really right of me to meet up with him, already knowing that it can't go anywhere for me? Maybe I am over-thinking this.

Okay, on with my day. It will be interesting to see if/how things change between him and me now...