Shame

I am so weak. Shock of the century, right? He knocked on my door yesterday afternoon and apologized. Profusely. He chalked his attitude up to drunkenness, said he was sorry for being so mean to me, and asked me to talk to him. Despite all of my ranting and raving on here about being "done," my anger just melted away. He seemed so sincere. He asked how angry I was after I left his apartment Friday night. I told him that by the time I got home (which took about ten seconds) I wasn't really ANGRY anymore--which is true. He asked if that was because I didn't give a shit anymore. I told him it wasn't. That is also true. I apologized for getting out of hand in the way I was yelling at him. Basically, I let him off the hook. And I guess I let myself off the hook as well. I am clearly not strong enough to end this. Not without someone like R in my corner. She knows about the situation, but it is too hard for her to comment on it from afar. Especially since we don't talk very often. I know she doesn't approve, but I think she is hesitant to offer too much advice. Shame on me for being so weak.

We spent all yesterday and most of today together. I slept at his apartment last night. As usually happens after our fights, we are in a nice calm period right now. Sex, food, movies, doing homework together, joking around, and cuddling. And honestly, it is these calm periods that keeps me in this. When it is good, it is SO good.

I think that I have been better, yesterday and today, about hearing about/giving him advice on his future plans. It still stings, but I know that I have to be supportive. I am in this situation by choice, and I need to accept the terms of it. I am sure that I will go into another downswing before long and get all pissy at him for what he wants in the future, pick more fights, feel like I am "really done with it this time," and then forgive, apologize, and move into another calm period. I am an emotional person. I am stressed about school and about the future. I am handling all of this horribly. But, who am I kidding? It is going to keep cycling around just like this until it ends. I guess I will enjoy this calm while it lasts.

One of my movie friends is graduating in June rather than August and will be leaving the city (for good) in a week. She is having a little party tomorrow night to say goodbye/celebrate. I am so stressed with all of the work I have to do this week, but I should (and will) go. We are not super close, but I like her and want to see her before she goes. Plus, it is good to make plans away from him. I just have to work like mad until tomorrow night so I am not thinking about work the whole time I am there. I have to have all of my remaining work done for my classes by June 11. Well, June 8 for one of them. That includes a 25 page paper and a 10 page paper. I haven't started either. Eep. I am just a tad behind. Somehow, I always manage to get it done--I am sure I will get it done this time too. Then all I have left is my MA thesis--first draft due July 11, final draft due August 1. I can't wait until it is done, but I am also conflicted because when it is finished my time here will be almost up. My time with him.

It is amazing how much changes in a year. This time last year, I was just about to graduate college, had a stable long-term boyfriend, had my best friend R always at my side, and was nervous about moving here for this graduate program. I could never have predicted what this city would bring.

Back to work so I can enjoy the party tomorrow. I'll try to avoid any fights tonight and tomorrow. Those always kill my work ethic.