Better and Worse

Well, my cold is more or less gone, so that is good--but things with him are not so good. Basically, this is what happened:

He came over here for a few hours last night, ate dinner, etc, then said he was going to his apartment to watch the Bourne Ultimatum. He asked if I wanted to watch it with him, but I wasn't really in the mood for an action movie, so I said no. About a half hour later, I needed him to help me with something (it would have taken about 5 minutes), so I knocked on his door. He had the movie paused anyways, so I asked him if he could spare 5 minutes. He looked at me like I was nuts. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said something about me interrupting his alone time. Alone time? I wasn't aware that he was having alone time--especially since he asked me to watch the movie with him and was only alone because I said no. So I brought that up. He said he thought he had to ask me. I was trying very hard to keep my cool at this point. I said that of course he can have alone time, just don't say one thing and do another. He said, "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just pulling away." PULLING AWAY? Oh hell no. We have had about six conversations about this "pulling away" crap. Again, I managed to keep my cool and said, "I deserve better than that. I know that this has an expiration date, but I deserve everything you have until then." He said (cue broken record): "I'll work on it." So I left him to his alone time (about 10pm). He never came over to patch things up. I am pretty sure he is at work now. He usually works until at least 4 or 5.

I have NO desire to approach him. If he is going to keep pulling away, then I am going to stop giving him anything to pull away from. I really do deserve better than this. It may as well just be over now if the next two months are going to be like this. Either let down you walls, or leave me alone. I really cannot take the walls. They make me feel worse than ANYTHING else in this situation. I can handle the fact that this had to end in August because he is working toward his future career. I can handle the fact that he doesn't try to fit me in to his future plans at all. I can handle the fact that despite all appearances, I am not his girlfriend. I CANNOT handle him shutting me out because he is afraid that it will hurt more when it ends. That is ridiculously selfish. I have made a lot of concessions in this "relationship." What has he really done for me? I don't want him to buy me stuff. I don't want him to take me places. I just want him to stop pushing me away emotionally. I don't give a fuck if it hurts more. The things that are worth it usually hurt. I need him to man up, stop with the walls, and deal with the pain when it comes.

So, for the rest of the day I will work on my MA thesis and not worry about him. He doesn't think I'm worth the risk of getting hurt, so I don't think he's worth the energy that it would take to worry about this. I think I would be okay with this ending today. I doubt that it will--but I think he has pushed me away enough that I could deal with it.

I found a better way to deal with my anger last night than signing up for an online dating site (thank goodness I wasn't drunk during this fight). I watched a new movie on OnDemand that we both really wanted to see. I decided there was no point in factoring him into my future plans, if he won't even factor me into his present. So, I watched Be Kind Rewind without him. It wasn't as good as it looked in the previews, but I liked it. Light, quirky, and took my mind off the fight. It made me smile, which was exactly what I needed. And I didn't once think, "I should have waited for him to watch this, he would have really liked it."

Off to work on the thesis.