Another One Gone

K is officially gone. I had breakfast with her this morning, helped her with the last minute cleaning in her apartment, helped her get her suitcases to the car, and said goodbye. I am sad to see her go. We didn't get to know each other incredibly well, but I know that we could have been really good friends given more time. I will probably never see her again.

I was thinking about calling C and asking if she wanted to see a movie with me tonight, but then I realized that her boyfriend gets back from Army training today. He has been gone for three weeks, so I am fairly certain that she will want to have the weekend alone with him. Maybe I will try to hang out with her after he has been back for a little while.

It is basically just me and him now. Last night, we had a non-fight. We had what could have turned into a fight, but there was really no venom or hostility--I think we were both too mentally exhausted to muster it up this time. It was about him pulling away. It has basically been a week since he tried to do anything more than kiss me. I brought it up in the calmest way I could. He finally admitted that he is still pulling away from me. He is "trying not to," but is afraid that he is "going to destroy us both" if he doesn't pull away. He said that he feels like a bad person for not letting this continue beyond August--and even though I haven't brought that up for weeks now, he still feels like he is being unfair to me. I didn't say much. I wasn't quiet in a passive aggressive way. I just didn't have anything left. I just said "Okay." He promised to keep trying to do better. He wanted me to sleep at his apartment last night, but I really didn't want to. I told him it was just too hot to share a bed and came home. I think that this is the last straw for me. Truly. I am not going to try anymore. I am not going to avoid him, but I am also going to keep to myself more. And I will absolutely not try to initiate anything physical anymore. I give up. I almost wanted to say to him "You win." I can't care enough for the both of us anymore. I am tired of feeling like crap all the time. The fact that I didn't have more to say than "okay" last night really signaled a turning point for me. I literally had no desire to talk about it anymore. It was like my brain was waiving a little white flag and refusing to transmit words to my mouth. I will not bring up the lack of physical stuff anymore. I will just live and let live. And I don't feel angry, or frantic, or sad. I feel very calm, even, collected. If his goal with all of this has been to make me get over him, it is working. I love him. I really do. But I think I am also learning how to put that love away and just get on with my life. I know that we will still spend time together, but I think I am FINALLY ready to stop fighting for "us," if that makes any sense.

I think that I might take today off from thesis work. I have some overdue movies to return to Blockbuster, and a few things to do around the apartment. I thought about taking my book down to a park area about a half mile away and reading outside, but I think I might just return the movies and come home--nap, do those little things around my apartment, read my novel, and try not to overheat. It sounds like a nice day to me. He is at work all day, so I will really have some peace around here. I actually feel much better when I know that he isn't next door.