Don't Panic

I am starting to feel the weight of everything I have to do pressing down on me. Mainly, my thesis and finding a job. I have still been avoiding the job search. I have poked around some job listings, but I haven't sent out a single resume. I definitely don't want to end up back at home after I leave here. I really have to get a move on with the job thing. I should visit my school's career planning office. This week. I have to do that this week. I just feel paralyzed by the stress of it. I don't even want to try. I hate looking for jobs. It has never been my favorite task. I always force myself to do it though, and I always find something. I have to get my references in order. I have fallen out of touch with some people who I will need as references. Mainly, a woman who I worked with at an archive the summer before senior year of college, and all through senior year. She wasn't really my boss, but my boss died this past November, and I also worked for her, so I really need her as a reference. I meant to email her earlier in the year just to say hi, but it was strange after my boss, Larry, died. It was so sad when he died, and I didn't know what to say to her, and I didn't really feel like talking to anyone about it. I had not kept in touch with Larry either. I still regret that. I shouldn't make the same mistake with her. I finally emailed her this morning.

Things are still good with him. I still don't know how or why he did a complete 180, but he did and I am happy with it. Friday is C's party, but we don't have any details about it yet and we don't know exactly where she lives. She said we could stay the night, but he wants to come back home so he can get work on his thesis done the next day. At least we are getting out of the apartments for an evening. C said we can see fireworks from her apartment. That is good news for me. For some reason, I love fireworks. Especially seeing them from a boat (which I have only done once, and clearly won't be doing this Friday). I don't know why, and I have no idea why I've thought of this, but for some reason my fantasy marriage proposal would be on a small rowboat, watching fireworks. Since I have never told anyone that, it is unlikely to ever happen that way (if I even ever get engaged), but I think it would be perfect.

I need to go to the library today. Not the one downtown--just the school library. I really should have done it yesterday. I was not very productive yesterday. I spent most of the day finishing up my novel. It was so good, I really couldn't put it down. It made me sob. I was kind of wondering when it would make me cry. One of the reviews at the beginning of the book said something like, "it is a hard-hearted reader who is not moved to tears by this book." Well, I was nearly finished with it, and while I thought it was very good, still no tears. But it sure got me near the end. I haven't cried that hard in awhile. It was ugly crying--you know, where your face is all scrunched up, and you are making loud sobbing noises, and snot is dangerously close to pouring out of your nose? Gross. I will probably re-read it at some point, but it was a bit emotionally taxing to re-read again anytime soon. I think I will pass it on to my Mom. She always enjoys a good book. I can't start any new novels until I pass in the draft of my thesis. Well, I shouldn't. I will try not to.

So, my big thing for the next couple of weeks is to try not to panic. About my thesis, about my job search, about anything. Panicking helps nothing. Unfortunately, it comes very naturally to me.

I just have to hit the library, bring my books back here, and try to get some work done today. That is manageable. He is at work all day, so I won't have any distractions there. I should shower and start my day. And considering how late I've been starting my days, I need to start working later. Today will be a fresh start.

At least I have Friday to look forward to.