Wiped

I stopped working for the day a few hours ago. It was a fairly productive day I guess. Now, I feel the need to write about something that makes me feel like a bad person--my ex, M.

We ended on relatively good terms. I ended the relationship. It was the right thing to do. I knew that I would never love him the way that he loved me. On top of that, I had met the boy next door. That is not why I broke up with M, but it definitely gave me the little extra push in that direction. I have nothing but respect for M. He treated me so well. We talked once after we broke up, and both had good things to say about each other. There was no bitterness or animosity. Of course I want him to be happy. But what I have been suspecting for awhile now was finally confirmed through facebook--he has a new girlfriend.

I am happy that he is happy. I am. So why does it bother me a little bit? I guess it kind of feels like justice. He is happily in a new relationship, and I am in this unstable pseudo-relationship. I broke up with him even though he treated me so, so well. It almost feels like he deserves to be happy and I don't. M loved me and wanted to be with me, and I didn't want to be with him. I love HIM and want to be with him, and he doesn't want to be with me. Is my situation with him some type of karmic punishment for leaving M?

I know I am being silly. I know that if I didn't love M and want to be with him, it was right to leave him. But what if no one else ever loves me as much as he did? He was ALWAYS there for me. I know that if we had stayed together, it would have continued to be comfortable and stable. We always supported each other, and we always would have. Comfort and stability just wasn't enough for me. And now those are the two things that I don't have with HIM. Ironic.

So yes, M has a new girlfriend. She is pretty (that is all I can tell from facebook), he is clearly happy, and I am trying to be happy for him.